The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-partner.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
This worksheet is for courting
couples with one or more kids from a prior union (stepfamilies).
If you're a courting childless couple, use this
worksheet.
The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that
it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or
any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
Premise
After researching
stepfamily dynamics professionally since 1979, I conclude that two of
promoting epidemic U.S.
stepfamily re/divorce
are co-parents'
and their courtship
hopes, and idealizations
These often combine with well-camouflaged
psychological
to cause
millions of prospective stepfamily
co-parents to pick the wrong people to re/commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
This
worksheet is the first of three that offer criteria for deciding
whether you're choosing the This page
proposes 28 special traits that successful stepfamily mates should
have.
Related courtship worksheets suggest key traits of the right
co-parents and the right stepkids
to commit to.
Directions
Get the most from doing this
worksheet by reading and discussing these first...
-
An introduction to normal
personality subselves and wounds - slides
or text;
-
Basic stepfamily
information, in a slide presentation
or 2-page article;
-
A summary of what it
to be in a typical stepfamily;
-
for epidemic
U.S. divorces, and 12 family
that can protect against them;
-
the core
of most stepfamily
role and relationship problems
-
16 common courtship
-
This
real-life example of a new stepfamily, and...
-
This two-page overview of how typical stepfamilies
develop.
If links in these articles interest you,
follow them and read what you find. The more you know, the
more these worksheets will make sense to you and your partner. Ideally, you
partners will do these worksheets after investing considerable effort in the
courtship Projects. Impatience with, or major anxiety about working on
this Project suggests one or both of you mates may be ruled by a
well-meaning
Print this page and make at least 30" of undistracted time. Choose attitudes
of open-minded curiosity and "this is a high-return investment of my time."
Check to
see who's
your
If it's a well-meaning
expect
your results to be
To
empower your true Self to guide you, see these
Options:
your thoughts and feelings as you do this self evaluation. Star or
highlight any items you want to learn more about or discuss.
Asterisks (*)
identify things unique to typical stepfamily unions.
If you fudge your responses
below, you're potentially hurting yourself, your partner, and any
descendents. Recall:
it's estimated that over half of typical American co-parents just like you end in
psychological or legal
because they make up to three
Most re/divorcers never
knew they needed to seek and use checklists or articles like
these.
Invite your
partner to fill out a copy of this checklist. When you're both done, discuss your
findings thoroughly together and see what you want to do. At the least, continue with the second
right people worksheets.
Reflect
on each item below thoroughly, one at a time. First focus on you, then on your partner, and then circle
T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm unsure). Circle "T" only if
all sub-items are true.
The more items below you rate
as "True," the higher the odds you're each
picking
the right stepfamily partner. Note that
even if you are,
that's enough to ensure a successful long-term
relationship and stepfamily...
1)
We have each lived alone and financially
independently (vs. with a child, siblings or other kin, or a roommate or
lover) for several years as an adult. We each usually feel
comfortable enough with
_ solitude, _ normal socializing, and
_ ourselves as a
person. (T F ?)
2)
We (a) have each
thoroughly
whether either of
us is
significantly
from surviving a
childhood (home + schooling + church),
and (b) our conclusions on this agree (T F ?)
If you can't
answer "T(rue)" here, the rest of these items are probably irrelevant.
3) If
either of us is significantly wounded...
_ I am (you / we are) now in a self-motivated, high-priority, effective personal
wound-
program;
or
_ I am (you / we are)
willing to talk openly and seriously with the other about seeking recovery
for personal and family benefits vs. pleasing someone else. (T F ?)
4*) We
clearly accept without
ambivalence that...
_ if we
commit to each other, we’ll form (or join) a
vs. "just a (bio) family" together.
And we each...
_ also clearly
accept that each of
our existing kids’ present and future caregivers will be full
with us for many
years. (T F ?)
Dead prior mates or stepkids’ other key caregivers may be
psychologically, genetically, legally, and financially impactful
stepfamily members for years, until they’re
and lovingly released.
5*)
We
partners are
each...
_ clearly self-motivated now to learn...
-
stepfamily
basics and
common biofamily-
tasks,
-
the major
differences between typical
stepfamilies and intact biofamilies,
-
common co-parental stepfamily
myths and realities,
-
the five
and
12 vital
-
the common
stepfamily-courtship
and...
_ we have begun doing so.
We are
also...
_ consistently open
to discussing all these honestly, and to...
_ hearing each other's beliefs and
concerns about them. (T F ?)
6)
We
each can clearly...
_ answer all the questions on this
good-grief quiz accurately, and...
_ we each can say clearly
these
questions are important to us all;
or we are...
_ clearly self-motivated
to learn the answers now.
_ Neither of us has major
of key
(broken bonds) from
childhood or prior marriage/s. (T F
?)
7) When
our personal
and we can’t find a workable compromise, we each usually...
_
want to put our
relationship of anything else except our
personal
and any local emergency...
_
without
undue
anxiety, or resentment; and...
_ we each solidly trust
that this
won’t change if we commit to each other.
If either of us doesn't put our
now,...
_ we each are
genuinely willing to discuss
honestly what's in the way of that, and whether we can reduce or remove the
barriers. (T
F ?)
|
Why? The single most common reported
(vs. real) cause of stepfamily re/divorce is a stepparent (a) leaving after feeling second (or
lower) too long, and
(b) losing all hope of that
changing. Bioparents who put want to put their re/marriage second
only to
wholistic health in non-emergencies put their dependents first
long-term by
guarding them against low-nurturance childhoods and re/divorce trauma! |
8)
Neither of us is now
or
over-using...
_ a
substance (including
food, fats, sugars, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, prescription drugs, and "street" drugs);
_ an
activity (including work; cleaning; exercise; weight control; worship;
studying; a hobby; a "cause," Web surfing; and earning, spending, or saving money; etc.); or ...
_ a
(including our partner, a parent, a child, or ex mate);
or ...
_
a mood-state like excitement (risk,
conflict, change), sexual arousal, or rage.
If either of us is
addicted now, (a) we agree that s/he is steadily working a self-motivated,
effective addiction-management program
now. (T F ?)
9) My partner and I
usually...
_ feel
well enough (vs.
agreed
with) by each other on key needs, opinions, and feelings; and...
_ we each usually try to meet
our
major needs equally
from
vs. duty (guilt)
and/or needing to please (fear). (T F ?)
10) We
each...
_
can describe most of the common
to effective win-win
now;
and...
_ we each genuinely want to grow our effectiveness at
win-win problem-solving
together.
_
we each accept that if we choose to
co-commit, we will encounter a stream of divisive
and
conflicts
and
over
time, which will require all of our adults to problem-solve effectively to
protect our relationships and kids. (T F ?)
More key traits of
well-qualified stepfamily-courtship partners...
11)
We each...
_
expect and are comfortable enough
with interpersonal conflicts,
rather than avoiding, denying, collapsing, over-controlling, or fleeing from them.
_ If not,
we each want to work
together to grow our ability to
and resolve
_
_ partnership, and
_ other stepfamily conflicts effectively. (T F ?)
12) We...
_
each trust
our partner to
honestly discuss all major needs, relationships, incidents, worries, or secrets.
Neither of us is withholding or distorting anything significant from the other;
or
_ we're proactively working to improve our mutual trust. (T
F ?)
13*) We each are
clearly in love with
our real partner, flaws and all, rather than loving an ideal of who we think the other
is or will become if we co-commit. (T F ?) See Keeping The Love You Find - A Guide for Singles, by
Harville Hendrix.
14*) We agree that each potential stepparent
has _ read
this, and
_ has had enough contact with each potential stepchild to be able to
evaluate the
right stepkids to commit to. _ Neither of us
expects the other to love their child/ren like biokids,
or our
child/ren to love their stepparent like a bioparent.
(T F ?)
15*) We
each consistently feel we can really be ourselves (be genuine) around
_ our partner and
_ any (potential) stepchild,
without undue anxiety or
That includes telling a child respectfully
and firmly we need them to change local behavior without undue guilt or fear of
displeasing someone. (T F ?)
16*) We
each are very self-motivated to...
_ study typical stepkids'
30+ special
adjustment needs;
_ tailor
them to fit each biochild or adopted child in our lives; and to...
_ evolve
agreement on who's
among all of us co-parents to help each child fill
each main need, over time.
(T F ?)
17*) Neither
of us is over-attached to
a former mate, specially around
holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, visitations, crises, and other
special family and personal occasions. (T F ?)
18) We each
are detached enough from our _ bioparents,
_ siblings, and _ key relatives - i.e. we each are clearly living
as a self-sufficient adult now. If either of us has significant conflict
with any of these people, we can calmly _ disagree, say "No," and/or
our needs, feelings, opinions, and
firmly and respectfully _ without undue anxiety or
(T F ?)
19*) We each are
comfortable enough with our
partner's contacts and conflicts with...
_ any child/ren,
_ their other co-parent/s, and...
_ the kids' and adults' relatives.
(T F ?)
20) We
each genuinely...
_ want and _ enjoy
physical intimacy with
each other, and we...
_ trust the other
to be sexually honest and faithful. We each also...
_
trust that the other has no significant medical or sexual secrets or...
_
sexual
now. (T F ?)
21) My
partner and I
each...
_ feel clear enough now on if and when we would try to conceive
kids together.
_ We
have thoroughly discussed the likely effects of having one or more
"ours" kids on our key relationships,
assets, marital and co-parenting
priorities, living space, lifestyle, and leisure time.
_ If we or key others have significant
about this, we’re taking effective steps to resolve those
now. (T F ?)
22) We each
feel...
_ consistently comfortable enough in sharing our thoughts, fantasies, hopes, dreams, fears, and feelings with
the other, with some exceptions; and
_ very trusted by
the other, and...
_ we share a deep-enough
level of
emotional and
empathy and
intimacy.
(T F ?)
23) We each are...
_ reasonably comfortable in
ambivalent, confusing, or alien situations;
and we each are...
_ reasonably flexible, creative, and resilient (vs. excessively rigid, anxious,
manipulative, or controlling) in reacting to them. (T F ?) Typical multi-home
are
riddled with such confusing situations for many years.
24*) We each are consistently
comfortable enough now with
_ each
ex-mate in our prospective
stepfamily, and
_ all kids'
key relatives. (T F ?)
25*) There is
no chance that either of us _ has ever or _ would act indirectly or directly sexual with
any child. (T F ?) The incest taboo is significantly weaker in typical stepfamilies.
26*) We each...
_
want to commit to and live with the other and any custodial biokids now,
_
without major ambivalence or reservation.
We each...
_ know clearly that if
we don't commit and cohabit, each of us and our dependent kids can live well enough.
(T F ?)
27*)
We each are genuinely enthused (vs. hesitant, guarded,
pretending, dutiful, or defensive) about taking and honestly discussing...
_ these
and...
_ these
Q&A articles, and...
_ this
pre-commitment
inventory with each other now. (T F ?)
28)
As I finish this part of our inventory, I feel
_ calm and relaxed;
_ that I answered each of these items thoughtfully, truly, and
honestly; and that...
_
I have no major anxiety or reservations about
discussing my answers here with
my partner and selected others. (T F ?)
