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of
for long-term marital and co-parenting
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Worksheet:
Is This the Right Time To
Commit
to Form or Join a Stepfamily? -
p. 1 of
4
Co-parent's
Readiness Factors
By Peter K. Gerlach, MS
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web address of this
four-page worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-time.htm
If you're courting and neither of you is a single parent, use this
right-time worksheet.
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is one of a
series of worksheets
designed to help courting couples make three wise commitment choices for
themselves and their dependent kids.
The
worksheets exist because millions of U.S. stepfamily unions fail
legally or psychologically within 10
years of commitment vows.
My professional research since 1979 suggests that one of five
related
for this is
of stepfamily
basics, realities,
and how to make
three informed courtship choices.
This
four-part inventory focuses on couples picking the right time to
commit to forming or joining a stepfamily.
Other worksheets focus on choosing the right
(plural) to commit to, for the right
Couples evaluating these
choices thoroughly before deciding to exchange vows is the seventh of
12 safeguard
towards building
stepfamily
relationships over time.
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002) is the unique, practical guidebook for Projects 1-7.
Five of these Projects apply to all courting couples.
This worksheet is for you and your partner to assess whether
each of your stepfamily co-parents are ready for you to co-commit and form
or join a stepfamily. Three related right-time worksheets focus on..
If you sense that making three wise
stepfamily-courtship choices is complex - you're
right. So is psychological and legal
Caution
- you may
respond to these worksheets with what you want to believe, vs. what
is
- so
consider getting an objective opinion on how you answer.
 Directions
Prepare. To get the most from this worksheet, first
study and discuss...
-
this introduction to
normal personality subselves (slides
or article);
-
these articles
introducing Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs), and epidemic psychological
wounds and what
they usually mean;
-
this summary of
that cause unwise courtship choices and stress most stepfamily
relationships;
-
these
slides or the equivalent
article introducing
stepfamily basics:
Assess
who is about to fill out this worksheet - your
or some other
If the latter, expect
results
here.
Print this page, and allocate at least 30" of undistracted
time. Choose attitudes
of...
-
open-minded curiosity, and...
-
"this is a win-win-win investment of my time
for me and my present and future child/ren (if any)."
If you don't
genuinely feel
these, a protective
probably controls you.
Diagram who comprises your
- i.e. all people living regularly in each of your minor and adult
children's homes. The adults in each minor child's home are your
"co-parents."
Stay aware that
this is one of
12 Project-7
worksheets which offer
you partners a comprehensive way to make three wise
stepfamily-commitment choices
and guard you all against probable legal or psychological
divorce.
Options
-
In
responding to these worksheet items, imagine
being an objective news reporter or a social scientist.
-
Do
this inventory one co-parent at a time, and invest the time to read the
linked popup summaries as you go.
Take your time!
-
Check each main item as "true" only if you can honestly check all the
sub-parts of it. Use
"?" if you’re unsure.
-
View unchecked items as projects to work on together.
-
your thoughts and feelings
as you fill out
this worksheet. The process of
filling it out can be just as
instructive as your answers!
-
Star or hilight items that you want to learn
more about. Asterisked (*) items below are unique to typical
stepfamily
unions.
-
Invite your partner to fill out a copy of this checklist -
separately. When you're both done, discuss your findings thoroughly together, and see
what happens. Whatever you learn here, keep exploring the other
Project-7 wise-choice articles and
worksheets.
If you hedge your answers here, you're potentially hurting yourself, your partner, and
your descendents.
Recall: most typical stepfamily partnerships fail long term,
partly because
romance-dazed courting partners make up to three
commitment
choices.
Is This The Right Time To Form or Join a
Stepfamily?" |
Individual Co-parent Readiness Factors
- part 1 of 4 |
Me |
My ex |
You |
Your ex |
| 1) S/He
has lived alone as an adult (i.e. without roommates, live-in lovers, kids, or
kin) for at least two years (more is better). Living alone promotes healthy
discovery of one's
and Life purpose, self-confidence, and starting
genuine inner-wound
if needed. |
|
|
|
|
| 2) S/He
is clearly independent enough, psychologically and financially, from
parents, siblings, and relatives. This includes having
had enough time to clearly
_ any dead early caregivers, relatives, prime
friends, partners, and _ any aborted, miscarried, and/or dead children. Men
need to grieve too! |
|
|
|
|
| 3) S/He has had time to
_
honestly
whether s/he has significant psychological
or
_ s/he is clearly self-motivated
to do that within the next month. |
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|
|
| 4) If s/he does
identify as a
s/he can now _ clearly name the specific
inner wounds s/he needs to heal, and
_ has clearly begun
implementing a Self-motivated, viable,
plan to do so. |
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| 5) S/He has had a stable set of friends,
acquaintances, and supporters for at least 18 months, vs. being socially isolated. |
|
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| 6) S/He now seems consistently
balanced
and stable enough,
psychologically, physically, and mentally. |
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| 7) S/He has evolved a
clear
idea about what her/his main mission or Life-purpose is now, and is
pursuing it; or s/he is now actively seeking to clarify that. |
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| 8*) If s/he is in a
committed relationship, s/he can clearly
describe _ the
personal
that s/he wants the
relationship to fill, and _ the key ingredients of a high-nurturance
relationship. |
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| 9*)
S/He clearly accepts _ our
as a
normal
(or equivalent term),
_ what that identity
and
_ that both living parents of each of
our minor and grown children are equal co-parenting
in our stepfamily. |
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Updated
July 05, 2008
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