Project 7 of 12 for long-term marital and co-parenting success

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Worksheet:

 Is This the Right Time to Form
 or Join a Stepfamily?

Co-parent's Readiness Factors p. 2 of 2

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member, NSRC Expert Council

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The Web address of this four-page worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-time.htm

        This continues a series of Project-7 worksheets to help courting co-parents with prior kids choose the right people to re/wed, for the right reasons, at the right time.

Is This The Right Time to Join or Form a Stepfamily?

Individual Co-parent Readiness - p. 2 of 2

Me

My ex

You

Your  ex
10)  If s/he probably or surely has an active addiction to a substance (including nicotine, caffeine, sugar, fat, and/or starches), an activity (e.g. workaholism), a person (e.g. codependence), or an emotional state (e.g. rage or excitement), s/he (a) has clearly dissolved her/his protective denials, and (b) is obviously working steadily at a high-priority, Self-motivated personal addiction-management plan.

      Many re/marriers are survivors of low-nurturance childhoods who were or are addicted to reduce their relentless inner pain. Do you know the progressive signs of an active addiction to any of these four strategies?		        
11) If any present or former co-parenting partner/s of this person surely are or probably were addicted to one or more of these four, they have (a) become knowledgeable about the causes, functions, and natural progression of addictions, (b) can clearly describe "recovery" and enabling, and (c) are clearly not enabling any currently-active addict.        
12) S/He now consistently has high self-esteem: i.e. s/he believes that her or his personal feelings, needs, opinions, dignity, and rights are just as important as those of other key adults and kids.            
13) S/He can now  (a) clearly describe the seven Project-2 communica-tion skills, and is (b) working actively on developing and using them now with all our kids and co-parents; or s/he is (c) clearly committed to learning and applying these skills with all our stepfamily members and supporters.        
14) S/He understands the difference between surface problems and the underlying primary needs that cause them, and uses this knowledge to resolve current personal and interpersonal problems effectively.        
15) S/He can now clearly describe (a) what an interpersonal values conflict is, and (b) the main difference between interpersonal fighting, arguing, or debating, and win-win problem-solving.        
16*) S/He can now clearly describe (a) what a stepfamily loyalty conflict is,  (b) why it can be significantly divisive and stressful, and (c) s/he has evolved an effective strategy for identifying and resolving such conflicts in our (prospective) multi-home stepfamily.        
17)  S/He can now clearly describe (a) what a relationship triangle is, (b) why it can be significantly divisive and stressful, and (c) s/he has evolved an effective strategy for preventing - and identifying and resolving - triangles in and between our co-parenting homes.        
18) S/He has been (a) financially stable for at least 18 months, and has (b) no major debts now; or  s/he is working a clearly effective, self-motivated plan to eliminate major debts. S/He is (c) clearly able to financially support herself/himself and any dependent kid/s adequately, now.        
19*) S/He is clear and unambivalent now on who would be included as legitimate members in our multi-generational stepfamily after a mutual re/marriage commitment (vs. after the re/wedding ceremony), including all co-parenting ex mates.            
20*) S/He can (a) now spontaneously name at least 20 of the ~70 structural and dynamic ways that average multi-home stepfamilies differ from typical intact biofamilies; and (b) can now describe the practical impacts of these many differences on how our (current psychological) stepfamily "works."        
21*) S/He has (a) thoughtfully read the overview of stepfamily co- parents’ 12 safeguard Projects, (b) discussed them thoroughly with key other people, and (c) fully accepts that these projects pertain now to all our stepfamily adults and minor and grown kids.        
22*) S/He (a) can now clearly name most or all of the 30+ special adjustment needs that average minor stepchildren must fill, (b) has tailored that list to fit each of the minor kids in our prospective multi-home stepfamily, and (c) has begun to co-evolve and implement a viable plan to help each dependent child satisfy their unique set of needs.        
23*) S/He has (a) known all her/his prospective minor and/or grown stepchildren for at least 18 months (more is better), and (b) has had many (say ~20+) chances to spend group or alone time with them in a variety of settings to "get a feel for" each of them (and vice versa).        
24*) At least 30 months has passed since her/his marital separation (vs. legal divorce), or since their mate’s death and burial. More is better.          
25*) S/He can now (a) describe factually why they divorced (b) without excessively blaming either partner.        
26*) S/He has genuinely tried to help each affected minor and/or grown child (a) clearly understand, (b) grieve, and (c) accept why their family is divorcing (reorganizing) and/or why their other parent died, without significant blame.        
27*) S/He is clearly (a) well along in grieving significant divorce or death losses of key relationships, dreams, rituals, securities, belongings, and identity; and is (b) clearly getting on with life in a wholistically-healthy way.        

Is This The Right Time to Join or Form a Stepfamily?

Individual Co-parent Readiness - concluded

Me

My ex

You

Your  ex

28*) S/He has clearly made significant progress toward admitting, forgiving, and healing pre-divorce and post-divorce co-parenting barriers with all other biofamily adults.        
29*) S/He has clearly reduced any major shame and guilts about "failing" and/or hurting or depriving biochild/ren and kin because of their biofamily’s breakup and related events.        
30*) S/He has clearly evolved ways to (a) separate co-parenting conflicts from other interpersonal disputes, and to (b) usually resolve them effectively.        
31*) As a separated or divorcing bioparenting couple, we (or you) have evolved stable, mutually-acceptable agreements on minor-child (a) custody, (b) visitation schedules, (c) financial support, and (d) individual co-parenting responsibilities and boundaries..        

        Premise: the odds of long-term stepfamily re/marital success grow if courting partners acknowledge that each of their kids' living co-parents need enough time to...

  • stabilize from prior family and personal changes and losses, and to...

  • prepare well for stepfamily caregiving challenges.

       Pause...  Stretch, breathe, and notice how you feel right now, and where your thoughts go. What does that mean? Consider journaling about this experience now to increase your learnings. Is there someone whom you'd like to discuss these right-re/marriage-choice worksheets with? 

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Updated  November 18, 2008