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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-time.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

 Directions, options, and item-numbering continue from page 1.

        This right-time worksheet is for assessing whether (a) a couple and (b) all co-parents together are ready for stepfamily formation or expansion.

  Right Time, part 2: Courting-Couple Readiness Factors

       My partner and I __ know what values conflicts are and __ how to resolve them effectively, and
__ we have had enough time to reach thoughtful, stable agreement on…

_  32)  where to live together: my place, theirs, or a new home?

_  33)  specifically what we want to accomplish in our prospective stepfamily, over time - i.e.
          what our shared stepfamily mission and goals are.

_  34)  (a) whether to conceive children together, and if "yes," (b) approximately when to do so.

_  35)  legal adoption of stepkids by a stepparent.

_  36)  when stepfamily loyalty conflicts arise, each of us freely ranking our relationship second (after            personal wholistic health) above any other relationships (including children) most of the time, .

_  37)  (a) what our respective financial obligations for each dependent child shall be; (b) any pre-nuptial           financial contract/s either of us wants, and (c) resolving major debts or legal matters either of us           currently has or expects.

        And as a couple, we've had adequate time to...

_  38)  identify and resolve any major values differences on...

• child discipline values and practices

• normal and special child visitations,

• child custody agreements,

• financial child-support details;

• religious and spiritual beliefs and worship practices; and...

• the frequency and priority of, and boundaries with, relations with _ co-parenting ex mates and _ key relatives.

_  39)  We have had enough time to reach thoughtful, stable agreement on...

• retirement and estate plans (wills and trusts);

• life and medical insurance coverages; and...

• legal debt and asset-ownership titles - e.g. property mortgages, vehicle and real estate titles, retirement and savings accounts, notes and loans, credit-card debts...;

_  40)  And my partner and I now know clearly ...

• what the three levels and phases of healthy grief are,

• what the key behavioral signs of incomplete grief are,

• why knowing these is essential for our stepfamily’s health and success, and...

• specifically what our household’s "good-grief policy" is, or will be.

        Another important group of commitment-timing factors is...

  Right Time, part 3: Readiness of All Co-parents Together

       All three or more co-parents (child caregivers) in our pre-commitment, multi-home stepfamily have clearly had enough time to…

_  41)  recover well enough from any prior psychological or legal divorces or mate deaths;

_  42)  agree on...

• our collective identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily,

• who’s included in our stepfamily, and...

• what titles each of us will call each other (e.g. "I'm Jason's 'stepfather' and Rena's 'new husband', and Jason's my 'stepson', and Natalie's 'stepbrother'. My Mom is Jason's 'step-grandmother', and... (etc.)"; And we co-parents all...

_  43)  agree without ambivalence that we adults are all equal co-parenting partners (vs. friends or enemies), sharing the common goals of effectively guiding, protecting, nurturing, and supporting each minor child living in and moving between our two or more related homes.

_  44)  And we all have had enough time to begin evolving a clear-enough shared idea of...

• how to merge and stabilize 16 aspects of our respective biofamilies over time; and...

• who’s responsible for what co-parenting tasks with each of our minor children; and...

• when and how to do these tasks well enough, and...

• how to resolve major co-parenting and other conflicts among us effectively.

_  45)   And we all have had enough time to evolve emotional + financial + inter-home stability after            any divorce, child-related, or other post-divorce legal suits among us.

 Continue by exploring "Are our children ready enough now to be in a multi-home stepfamily?"

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Right-time worksheets - page 1  /  page 2

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Updated  August 29, 2008