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of
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"Is this
the right
time to re/marry?"
(p. 4 of 4)
Worksheet -
Stepchild-readiness
Factors
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSCR Experts Council
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 The Web address of this
four-page worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-time.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This four-page
worksheet focuses
on couples picking the right time to exchange commitment vows.
Related
worksheets focus on partners choosing the right people
(plural) to re/wed, for the right reasons.
These
choices are usually far more complex than similar first-marriage
decisions!
These
Project-7 worksheets will mean the most to couples who have made significant
progress together on the
courtship Projects.
This
last page on right re/marriage-timing
factors focuses on the readiness of your and your partner’s potential
stepkids
for the special adjustment tasks that come with forming
or joining a multi-home stepfamily.
Perspective
Concurrent with normal
developmental tasks, I believe typical minor stepkids
must master up to 30+ family-adjustment tasks for stable wholistic
health. These
tasks relate to recovering psychologically from (a) unintended
childhood deprivations, and/or (b) adjusting to
a set of parental death or separation traumas (below).
Bioparent re/marriage and/or
household mergers typically causes dependent kids' (c) another complex set of
adjustment tasks. The more progress each of your minor and grown kids has made
in normal development, and their unique mix of family-adjustment tasks, the more
likely your re/marriage and multi-home stepfamily will be stable and
"functional" enough.
Kids who are hindered or overwhelmed in
trying to master these four sets of (often concurrent) psychological tasks
may get sick and/or "act out" at home and school. This
invites major ongoing co-parental and re/marital
That's why it's
ideal if courting co-parents assess each minor and grown
stepchild honestly for their status on these tasks
re/marital
commitment. A clear assessment of each child's task-status (at any
time) helps
caregiving adults evolve effective co-parent
which promote long-term re/marital harmony and stepfamily health.
Preparation and
Directions
Study
this overview of true and false selves, and see if your
(capital "S") is about to do
this worksheet. Then review the
directions in Part 1 and print this page. Put
the first name or initials of each minor and grown stepfamily child in a separate
column of the table below. Add columns if you need more. Cross out, reword, or ignore
items that don't fit. The item numbering continues from the prior page.
The more main
items you can honestly check (including sub-parts), the more
likely it is that this is the right time to re/wed.
Project 7:
"Is This the Right TIME to Re/marry?"
Our prospective stepfamily’s minor and
grown child/ren
This child has had enough time to ... |
___ |
___ |
___ |
___ |
| 43) …make believable sense out of
(a) why one parent left
them, and (b) why
their biofamily came apart _ the way it did, _ when it did. |
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| 44) …learn and solidly accept that
s/he didn’t cause their biofamily (and/or absent-parent family) to break up. |
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| 45) …
the
tangible and
abstract losses
from their birthfamily breakup, including lost family roles; priorities; daily,
holiday, and special rituals; dwellings; access to key bio-relatives; self image and
self
esteem; neighborhoods; schools; key friends; emotional comforts and securities; privacies;
dreams; pets; and personally-special things. |
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| 46) …(a) change and stabilize their views of each
bioparent (or other main caregiver) from "hero/ine" to
"imperfect and still-lovable, worthy special person"; and s/he has
had time enough to (b) forgive key people for
abandoning them, "failing" them, and/or wounding important others. |
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| 47) …heal and resolve any significant
("I did a bad thing") and
("I am a bad thing") relating to
bioparent death and/or bioparents’ divorce and birthfamily breakup. |
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| 48) …draw and enforce clear, consistent, appropriate
new personal
i.e. separate themselves from any past or existing
bioparental conflicts ("that’s their problem"), without
significant doubt,
anxiety, guilt, or shame. |
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| 49) …build stable new trust after
biofamily separation or parental death/s that (a) they (the child) are physically,
financially, and emotionally safe enough in their new living circumstances; and
that each of their (b) main caregivers and (c) close siblings and/or relatives is
consistently safe and stable enough too. (who are these key people?) |
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| 50) …re/gain solid trust that
their present adult caregivers, key authorities, and/or primary relatives will
not abandon or reject them. |
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| 51) …adapt to new living conditions,
locations, daily routines (including visitations), household roles, responsibilities,
rules, and limitations after parental death or divorce, and again after each bioparents’
cohabiting and/or
re/marriage. |
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| 52) …re/adapt to expected or
unforeseen changes in (a) legal and/or physical custody, (b) primary residence,
(c) parental visitation
schedules, (d) household rank and composition (e.g. if a bio-sib leaves or comes to live), and (e) access to emotionally-important others (relatives, friends, mentors, teachers, pets, …). Minor
kids seldom have major input on these changes. |
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| 53) (if applicable) ...cope successfully with
one or both psychologically-
bioparents
and/or other caregivers using them as a surrogate partner, confidant, co-parent
of younger sibs, and/or as a weapon, spy, courier, lure, or
bargaining-chip, in ongoing relations with their other bioparent, biosib/s, or
key relatives. |
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| 54) …clarify, adjust, and stabilize their
personal
to "I’m (a) the OK, normal daughter (son)
of a divorced (or bereaved) biofamily", and "I'm also a (b) potential stepdaughter
(son) and (c) step-sibling." |
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| 55) ...re/build solid, stable
feelings of personal security, optimism, and age-appropriate hope for
their own future as a competent, happy-enough, independent adult, spouse, parent, and
citizen. |
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| 56) ...(a) name the tangible and abstract
from their absent-parent family breakup arising from (prospective)
custodial-parent re/marriage and/or cohabiting, if any; including the losses of their
former household roles; freedoms; daily, holiday, and special rituals, dwelling; access to
key others; self image and self esteem; neighborhood; school/s; key friends;
emotional securities; privacies; pets; dreams; and special things; and
this child (b) has had enough time to
all these losses
or
(c) is actively doing
so (how do you know?) |
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| 57) ...(a) learn and accept our (prospective)
as a two or three-home nuclear stepfamily; (b) their identity
as a stepchild; and (c) resolve any confusions about
to
their complex stepfamily, well enough. (Who's the best judge of this?) |
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| 58) ...(a) meet each prospective
stepsibling and key step-relative (starting with their stepparent/s), and
(b) clearly understand
that they (the child) don’t have to exchange instant or long-range
love with any of
them. |
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| 59) ...vent their real (a) feelings and
(b) preferences about their
bioparent’s committing to a new adult partner, and requiring them (the child) to accept and
form friendly new relationships with this partner and each of their kids (if any) and key
relatives. |
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| 60) ...
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Perspective:
if a child's other bioparent remarries too,
the child may have to re-do many of these
adjustment tasks. If one or both bioparents remarry (a) "soon" (say within
18 months) after biofamily break-up, or (b) close together (in time); the emotional
complexity of these tasks rises steeply for any minor child.
Also recall that
the (mostly
concurrent) personal adjustment tasks above are concurrent with normal
developmental needs, daily goals, and
possible psychological
from
a low-nurturance childhood. And as they're trying to guide and protect their
kids, divorced or bereaved biomoms and biodads have their own sets of
inner-wounds and adjustment tasks to work on, just like these!
If you encounter a (potential) stepchild
"acting out," compassionately imagine what all
these complex tensions feel like to them! They probably can't
identify or
articulate most of these tasks, let alone consciously ask for help in
mastering them.
Bottom Line
Even if you've each met the right
partner,
the right co-parents, and want to re/marry for the right reasons - if you
and your partner can't honestly each check many of these 60 right
commitment-timing factors that apply to you,
you may be at significant of
launching or joining your complex stepfamily too soon.
 Finish the
inventory by assessing whether you're considering
re/marriage for
the right reasons.
<< wise-choice
inventory - page 1 >>
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Updated
November 30, 2008
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