12 Projects toward building high-nurturance stepfamily relationships
	The Scene Before Re/marriage - p. 1 of 2 Traits of Typical U.S. Stepfamilies-to-be  By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSCR Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/07/sf-scene.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        To provide context for the articles in this divorce-prevention Web site, here's a composite view of the typical pre-re/wedding situation. This sketch  comes from my meeting over 1,000 mostly white, middle-class Midwestern-US divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and some of their kids since 1981. See if you see yourselves here...

The Scene Before Re/marriage

The Grownups

The Couples and Ex mates

        Most courting co-parents are in their late 20's to late 40's. They generally have more life experience than first-marriers, and are further along in their careers. These women and men have a different mix of values about money, leisure, child conception, relationships, work, spirituality, and other things than when they first married in their late teens or 20's. There's a higher chance that their religion, race, and/or socio-economic class differs from their new partner compared to the first time around.

        Partners’ ages may be farther apart, and the woman is more likely to be older than her new partner. Usually, both suitors have careers, and work outside or from their homes. Often, divorcing or widowed bioparents - specially moms – haven’t lived alone for long. Many have never had encouragement and the chance to find out who they really are as unique persons.

        One or both courting partners married at least once before, for about seven years. About 90% of them have divorced legally - often within the last several years. Some had amicable breakups. Others  describe their former mate as abusive, materialistic, indifferent, addicted, selfish, "really screwed up," over-controlling, dishonest, absent, and/or unfaithful. These judgments are often bitterly returned. Their minor or early-adult kids suffer silently or loudly in the crossfire.

        One or both dating co-parents has been a custodial or part-time parent to one to three pre-teens or teens for several years. A minority of these bioparents shares joint physical and legal custody with their ex. Usually the woman has been a single custodial mom, with full-time jobs inside and outside her home. She’s often tired but “pressing on.” Following separation, her standard of living went down - usually significantly. She is learning to be more independent, and usually likes that.

        She, her ex-mate, or both may have tense, diminished, or no relations with their ex in-laws (some wryly say "out-laws"). They've all had several seasons of awkward holidays, and often haven't discussed this openly and fully themselves or with their conflicted daughters and sons...

In my experience, roughly four out of five typical American adults considering re/marriage survived from significantly low-nurturance childhoods and don't (want to) know it or what that means. Most had unintentionally- neglectful caregivers, who bore significant psychological wounds inherited from their unaware ancestors.

        Their resultant mix of personal traits typically include excessive shame; guilts; rage (or numbness); anxieties; confusion; reality distortions; horror of abandonment; emptiness; problems with trust, bonding, and intimacy; and deep longings for peace, love, security, and hope. These wounds are often well disguised and protectively denied.

        Wound-symptoms like recurrent illness, addictions, isolation, failed relationships, emptiness, and "depression," are starting to (privately) worry one or both courting partners. Whether their psychological wounds are moderate or major, these men and women know little about assessing and healing them. Those that do feel sure it has nothing to do with them and their new love. More often, they're quick to affirm that their ex mates are psychologically-wounded and in protective denials.

               A minority of these partners grew up with a stepparent and maybe stepsiblings. Some have active (denied) addictions, or are in 12-step recovery programs. Most have biorelatives they're in contact with, including retired parents in early or middle old age .

        Typical courting co-parents commit to forming or joining a stepfamily in an altered mind state: neediness + infatuation and/or romantic love. Some suitors are in love with feeling needed and/or wanted. Some fell into this delicious condition before marital separation, in hidden or known affairs.

        Typical couples have courted for six months to several years. If they live together, these entranced duos imagine their cohabiting experience to be a pretty reliable model of how stepfamily life will be. This usually proves to be false. Some new partners have kids of their own. Others have never married, and have idealistic biofamily-based images of what kids need and how they "should" behave.

"No, We're Just a Regular Family"

        Most of these women and men don't perceive or talk of themselves and their kids as a stepfamily ("I just don't like the sound of that.") Others give lip service to that label and identity without understanding the 60 alien realities it implies.

        Those who have never married before may long to be part of a "regular (ideal bio) family" - specially if their early years were troubled. Feeling excited, hopeful, and mature, few have researched or accepted stepfamily realities. From deep love laced with divorce guilts, many bioparents think or say "my kids will always  come first." Their lovestruck new partner nods supportively, unaware of (or unwilling to confront) the inexorable hurt and resentment that instinctive priority will eventually cause.

        Some new mates are re/marrying from a deep wish to rescue an alluring, overburdened single parent and their appealing kids. Some of their kids don't want to be rescued. Others are delighted. Some of their grandparents and other kin are delighted too. Some ex mates are relieved, others threatened and jealous, and still others detached, indifferent, or numb.

        Other than by court order, typical divorcing bioparents have not gone to post-divorce counseling to heal their hurts, mistrusts, disrespect, resentments, and inability to negotiate win-win conflict resolutions. They are wearily practiced in reflexive fighting, fleeing, explaining, manipulating, defending, rationalizing, and/or avoiding, but not in listening and cooperative problem-solving.

        These psychologically- wounded, unaware ex mates may constantly battle (or ignore) each other over a complex mix of child-related disputes. They've never met with all the people in the two or more homes about to be joined by a re/marriage.

        That means these three or more adults have never discussed their common child-raising goals, and how to co-manage their dauntingly complex merger of three or more multi-generational biofamilies. The other co-parents probably wouldn't come, anyway, feeling disinterest, distrust, and/or dislike. Who would propose and facilitate such a planning meeting, anyway?

        Though typical fiancés "can talk about everything," they’ve seldom had blunt, practical discussions about blending their values and priorities on...

• managing money, debts, and assets (including wills, savings, mortgages, and insurance);

• child conception, rearing, and discipline;

• home co-management; and...

• building an effective way of resolving alien conflicts over their stepfamily identity and membership, personal values and loyalties, and associated relationship triangles. 

        These typical couples have never imagined or discussed drafting personal, marital, household, or multi-home stepfamily mission statements – and then informed co-parent "job descriptions." None of them can describe clearly how stepparenting differs from bioparenting, or why that matters. 

        These busy lovebirds don't know or particularly care what their joint policy on mourning is - though they, their kids, and their kin have many losses to grieve. Typical re/marriers are unaware that their coming nuptial ceremony will cause searing new losses (broken psychological bonds) for many of the 50 to 100+ people comprising their multi-generational stepfamily. They understandably focus on the coming gains and dreams.

        The romantic love that bewitches typical re/marriers is an effective balm and universal solvent for their present or glimpsed problems. Their melded excitement, thrills, and hopes haven’t begun to mellow into the calmer, deeper bond of mature love.

        Typical re/courting couples don't know what they don't know about the astonishingly complex stepfamily enterprise they're starting or joining together. Their brave motto is “Our love will conquer all!” Often, it doesn’t. In this splendid mind state, future re/divorce is unthinkable. A minority of courting couples is (wounded and) racked with re/marital ambivalence.

        Prior to saying "I do (again)," average new stepparents have seldom or never tried disciplining their partner's kid/s, feeling "it's not my place." If they have tried, they've been very polite and pretty tolerant. Often, these stepparents-to-be have had little or no direct contact with their stepkids' "other" bioparent/s. They have heard a lot about them, usually from biased people.

        If not numbed out, these "other bioparents" - specially those without custody or frequent child visitations - feel many things about imagining a stranger co-raising their child/ren: hurts, resentment, anguish, relief, shame, guilts, doubts, fears, sadness, confusion, and anger, depending on the day and circumstance. Alternatively, they’re numb, detached, or intellectual - which are often unconscious strategies to avoid or mute great inner pain.

        "Absent" (non-custodial) dads, specially, seldom talk about these emotional kaleidoscopes to themselves or others. They often compulsively seek self-soothing distraction in overwork, sports, TV, computers, religion, sex, and/or chemicals including "comfort foods:" simple carbohydrates, sugars, and fats. One sign of how prevalent this is in America is the trend towards adult obesity and the related multi-billion dollar dieting industry.

        For more perspective on stepfamily couples and co-parents, see these Q&A items and these articles.

The Grandparents

        The "other" bioparent’s parents can feel anxious too. They wonder how this unknown stepparent will influence their grandkids. Some speak out, wanting to learn or control. Others worry and repress. Some shrug. Many of these grandparents are in old denial of major false-self wounds.

        Like the courting couple, they and other blood kin don't usually identify as prospective stepfamily members. Typical veterans have little factual knowledge of the range of stepfamily realities, and aren't motivated to learn any. Stepfamilies based on divorce were rare and odd in their younger days.

        Grandparents often have vague or sharp guilt, sadness, blame, regrets, and anger about their child’s divorce and their grandkids’ pain. They endure those, often silently, not knowing how to heal them. Others rant, catastrophize, and wring their hands. Typically, most co-grandparents and other relatives know little about healthy grief, symptoms of incomplete grief, and what their family grieving policy is. They associate grief with the death of a loved one, not the wide range of broken bonds that can occur from divorce and re/marriage.

        Because divorce often indicates one or both partners are significantly wounded from childhood neglect and trauma, their parents have usually inherited psychological wounds from their ancestors - and they don't know that or what it means to them, their kids, and grandkids They may scoff at, discount, or resist their adult child getting psychological help for their wounds. Others will courageously admit they were unprepared to nurture kids, and will welcome wound-recovery for all their sakes.

        Their generation was probably not well-educated or interested in human behavior and development, by present-day standards. Most present seniors also typically never studied interpersonal communication or grieving effectiveness, so they could not teach or model those vital attitudes and skills to their kids.

        Typical co-grandparents born in the first third of last century are apt to be more religious and conservative on subjects like abortion, homosexual partnerships and childcare, racial and religious equality, financial security, sexual attitudes, and traditional male-female roles in the family. They probably knew few divorced families and fewer stepfamilies when they were young parents, so they may not be able to empathize with some or most stepfamily problems their kids and grandkids encounter.

For more perspective on typical co-grandparents and other step-relatives, see these Q&A items, this, and these articles . Stay aware that these are about family roles, not the people who fill the roles.

Continue with Older re/marriers on page 2...
 

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Updated  August 29, 2008