Projects 7 & 10  of 12 - Build high-nurturance stepfamily relationships

 Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths
 p. 2 of 11

A) Our Co-parents' Strengths as Persons

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this nine-page worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/07/strnx1-ndvdual.htm

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        This continues a series of worksheets for courting partners with one or more kids from prior unions. If you partners have no prior kids, go here. This worksheet can help you decide if you're consider-ing commitment to a group of stepfamily co-parents - including yourself - who are knowledgeable and wholistically healthy enough to nurture all your minor kids and grandkids effectively.

        Even if you and your courtship partner are well matched and are considering co-commitment for the right reasons, you may still encounter significant stress if you two and related co-parents (e.g. ex mates) aren't able to nurture your kids as an effective stepfamily team. This is a special challenge because typical stepkids have many family-adjustment needs that minor kids in average intact biofamilies don't have.

 Directions 

        Some items below have several sub-items, denoted by a _. Check each main strength only if you can clearly check all of it's sub-items. If you're uncomfortable with that, what's at risk? A check checked box anywhere means "I see this as definitely true now, or true enough most of the time." If you're unsure of an item, use "?", and return later. Option: rank each line item on a scale of one to five, where five is "yes," "true," or "often enough," and one is "no," "seldom," or "little." View unchecked items below as projects to improve together over time, rather than family weaknesses or deficits.

        Use the last page to numerically summarize your responses to the whole inventory and "score" it. Links throughout these worksheet pages will lead you to helpful background information.

           Adventure now, see what you discover together, and celebrate...

 Our Stepfamily's Current Strengths

        There are five sections to this inventory: strengths as _ persons, _ committed partners, _ "general" childcare-givers; _ stepchild caregivers, and _ strengths in you all as a group.

    1) Our Co-parents' Strengths

       The table below allows for up to six co-parents (stepparents and bioparents). Write in all your co-parents' initials in the columns below, even if they're distant, out of touch, or antagonistic. Their personal strengths - or lack of them - will powerfully influence your stepfamily-system's functioning psychological-ly, genetically, legally, and probably financially. If including anyone here bothers you, review Project 3.

Co-parents 

1) Our  Co-parents' Strengths ...
   A)  As Persons: 

__ __

Me

You

 __ __ 
           

1) S/He _ has a clear-enough, consistent, Self- generated life-purpose and direction, and _ can articulate it clearly now; 
           

2) S/He has generally high self respect and self-love, or is effectively working to raise those now;
           

3) S/He generally has a good-enough balance between work, family, personal, social, leisure, and spiritual needs and activities;
           

4) S/He can describe clearly and accurately what (a)  parental deprivation and neglect, and (b)  physical, sexual, and psychological abuses are; 
           

5) S/He has thoroughly self-assessed for signs of significant low childhood nurturance (i.e. s/he has begun Project 1); 
           

6) If s/he was significantly traumatized as a child (and/or later), s/he is now working steadily at _ clear goals in _ an effective, self-motivated program of personal psychological wound-reduction; 
           

7) S/He is clearly not now addicted to substances, relationships (codependence), or activities (like workaholism) - or s/he is now working effectively to manage any addiction/s; 

           

8) S/He is a mature, independent adult, clearly separated enough psychologically and financially from sibs, kin, ancestors, and all childhood caregivers; 
           

9) S/He is actively developing a fulfilling career or avocation now, or s/he is working effectively toward doing so; 

           

10) S/He can _ articulate clearly enough who s/he really is and isn't, and _ s/he seems to genuinely accept that identity with enough serenity now; 
           

11) S/He is generally resilient, resourceful, and effective in resolving significant life problems and conflicts, vs. often being a martyr, victim, whiner, controller, or avoider;

           

12) S/He now _ has a healthy support network of friends, kin, neighbors, and spiritual resources; and _ uses them when needed, without undue guilt, shame, or anxiety; 
           

13) S/He consistently takes appropriate self-care _ spiritually, 
_ emotionally, _ mentally, and _ physically; 
           

14) S/He generally has a trusting, realistically-optimistic (vs. idealistic  or pessimistic) outlook on life, people, and our stepfamily; 

Co-parents

1) Our Co-parents' Strengths ... 
A) As Persons   
    Me  You     
           

15)  S/He is usually balanced enough in focusing between _ (past, present, and future), and _ (themselves, their partner, their relationship, their family, and all others);
           

16)  S/He is usually an effective-enough communicator  (listener +  asserter +  problem-solver) with other people; 
           

17)  S/He really likes and values being in her/his _ life, _ home, 
_ job and career, and _ community now;
           

18)  S/He can name several specific areas of personal growth s/he's self-motivated to work on now; 

           

19)  S/He can usually _ identify clearly what s/he needs, and _ s/he feels comfortable enough asserting key needs respectfully; 
           

20)  S/He consistently admits (vs. represses, hides, minimizes, or denies) major health, financial, relationship, work, and other personal stressors; 
            21)


            22)


            23)


  Thoughts / Notes ~







Continue by identifying and appreciating your co-parent's specific strengths as couples.
 

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Updated  August 25, 2008