Inventory: our co-parents' strengths as stepchild nurturers

Projects 7 thru 12 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily together

Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths

Our Co-parents' Strengths
as Stepchild Nurturers - p.1 of 2

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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        This sixth page continues a multi-part inventory of your stepfamily's strengths. It is the first of two pages focusing on your co-parents' (stepparents and bioparents) stepchild-nurturing strengths. Even if a co-parent grew up in a stepfamily, these unique caregiving skills and traits must be learned as an adult.

        These strengths add to your co-parents' general child-care strengths in the prior two pages. To get the most from these two pages, first review this summary of typical stepkids' many family-adjustment needs. Minor stepkids depend on their adults for help in filling these concurrent needs.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        Biofamily parenting experience does not automatically prepare adults to nurture typical stepkids well. Effective co-parents grow these specific strengths intentionally over years, ideally starting well before re/marriage and/or cohabiting. Keep in mind the comforting motto progress, not perfection!

        This inventory is about all the bioparents and stepparents ("co-parents") in your two or more linked child-raising homes. This inventory is not about blame or competing. Only a rare person has all these traits. Traits you co-parents don't have can be growth goals, not weaknesses.

        Modify these traits as needed to fit your idea of effective caregiving - and appreciate how truly complex and challenging being an effective stepfamily co-parent is! Put the initials of each of your co-parents above a column below. Be sure to include both living bioparents of each stepchild - even if one is inactive or distant.

        Don't check a main inventory item unless you can solidly check all sub-parts ("_") of the item. If you're unsure anywhere, use "?" Use a dash or "x" for items that don't apply to a given co-parent. If you haven't recently, review the directions for this inventory now. "Score" your whole multi-page inventory on the last page of this series.

Our Co-parents						1) Our Co-parents' Strengths as... *D) effective* stepchild nurturers**
_	_	Me	You	_	_
						1) S/He _ knows clearly what a stepfamily is, and _ solidly accepts our current identity as a stepfamily _ without undue ambivalence, guilt, shame, or anxiety;
						2) S/He solidly accepts that_ all living bio-parents of each minor and grown stepchild - and _ any new mates of these bioparents, plus their kids - are each legitimate members of our multi-home nuclear stepfamily; and _ s/he usually tries to co-operate with all these adults at achieving our shared co-parenting goals;
						3) S/He's now self-motivated to learn _ the 60+ differences between average stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, and _ the 60+ common stepfamily myths and realities; and _ to apply that knowledge constructively to our unique stepfamily;
						4) S/He can _ name all 12 safeguard Projects that average stepfamily co-parents must master for success over five or more years; and _ s/he works cooperatively and effectively with our other adult caregivers on applying these projects appropriately in and between our kids' homes;
						5) S/He can _ describe clearly and specifically the current purposes (objectives) of our multi-home stepfamily, and _ consistently contributes time and energy towards achieving them;
						6) S/He _ can name at least 15 of the 30+ special adjustment needs that most minor stepkids must fill, and _ can clearly describe the status of each minor child in our stepfamily with their unique set of these needs;
						7) S/He can say clearly _ what her/his main co-parenting objectives are for each dependent bio and stepchild, and _ how s/he's trying to achieve these aims;
						8) S/He has _ thoughtfully evaluated conceiving "ours" children and _ has reached stable decisions about this with her/his mate and all appropriate stepfamily members; or s/he _ is self- motivated and actively working on accomplishing these now;
						9) S/He _ has thoughtfully evaluated stepchild adoption, and _ has reached stable decisions about this with his/her mate and all other affected stepfamily members; or s/he is _ self-motivated and actively working to accomplish these now;
						10) When talking or writing about us, s/he feels comfortable enough using words like "our stepfamily" and appropriate role-titles.

Our Co-parents			1) Our Co-parents' Strengths as ... D) effective stepchild nurturers (continued)
	Me	You
			11) S/He is currently content enough with the way all adults in each of our co-parenting homes are allocating their income and child-support funds toward child-related and household expenses; or s/he is now working constructively to help resolve any major values and/or loyalty conflicts over such stepfamily money issues;
			12) S/He has _ made informed, thoughtful decisions on inheritance bequests to our bio and stepkids and other stepfamily members; _ has fully informed all affected stepfamily members of these decisions; _ has clearly resolved any resulting conflicts to the lasting satisfaction of all concerned, and _ s/he has updated his or her legal will and estate plans accordingly;
			13) S/He can clearly describe _ stepfamily loyalty and values conflicts, and _ relationship triangles, and _ how to resolve these effectively; and _ s/he usually works co-operatively to do this;
			14) S/He _ usually prizes her or his primary adult relationship above any other, including those with children, without excessive shame, guilt, anxiety, or ambivalence. _ Her/his mate now agrees without hesitation that this is true;
			15) This stepparent now feels s/he ranks high enough with their mate often enough (vs. kids, work, an ex mate, etc.), because of genuine love and respect, rather than out of duty, guilt, or fear;
			16) This divorced bioparent has clearly resolved any guilt and shame over stressing their child/ren by divorce and/or other parenting actions, or s/he's self-motivated and actively working on healing these now, with effective help and support;
			17) This divorced bioparent _ has tried to explain honestly to each biochild in age-appropriate terms why their biofamily separated, with- out shaming or blaming themselves or their ex-mate; or s/he is solidly self-motivated to do this within the next 60 days;
			18) S/He clearly has no _ sexual interest in, or _ activity with, any minor or grown stepchild in our multi-home stepfamily now; and _ s/he consistently shows good judgment about nudity, physical intimacy, emotional boundaries, and members' privacies in our co-parenting homes;
			19) If this adult has significantly different spiritual and/or religious beliefs and practices than other stepfamily members, s/he _ respects others' views and behaviors, and _ practices her faith in acceptable ways.
			20)

Thoughts ~

Continue with the second half of your co-parents' strengths as stepfamily childcare-givers.

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Updated August 25, 2008