Inventory: the strengths in and between our co-parenting homes

Projects 7 thru 12 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily together

Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths

Strengths In and Between Our
Co-parenting Homes

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/07/strnx7-fam.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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       This fifth strengths inventory focuses on the strengths in your two or more related nuclear step-family homes. A co-parenting home is the main dwelling of one or more adults who regularly nurture resident minor half-siblings and/or resident or visiting minor stepkids (i.e. children who have one or two stepparents).

        This section of your stepfamily-strengths inventory identifies specific ways in which each of your related co-parenting homes is functioning now - i.e. how harmoniously and effectively all the regular residents and any visiting family kids are progressing towards personal, household, and stepfamily goals.

       There are columns below for three co-parenting homes: yours, your ex's, and your partner's ex, if any. Add other columns if your children have more co-parenting (vs. relatives' or grown-kids') homes. Remind yourself here that this is an exercise in affirming your stepfamily's human skills, talents, and strengths, not to blame, criticize, avoid, or ridicule.

       This inventory section focuses only on stepfamily strengths. To see how general strengths would look, see the next inventory page, and/or these traits of a high-nurturance family. Again, don't check a main inventory item unless you can solidly check all sub-parts ("_") of the item. If you're unsure anywhere, use "?". If helpful, review the directions for this inventory. "Score" your whole inventory on the last page.

	Ours		*2) Strengths In and Between Our Co-parenting Homes* ...**
			1) Dwellings and Space: All residents in this home now feel clear and comfortable enough that "this is my / our home" (vs. someone else's);
			2) No one in this home feels _ significantly angry and resentful that step-people have invaded their space, (or fears they will); or _ feels alien or uncomfortable living in someone else's home;
			3) All full-time and part-time residents feel their wishes about decorating and furnish-ing their home and room/s have been heard and valued enough;
			4) Leadership: the resident co-parent/s are clearly and consistently in charge of this home (vs. a child, an absent adult, or no one), as judged by themselves, their kids, and knowledgeable, objective others;
			5) All full-time and part-time residents in this home are comfortable enough now with the usual balances of household 5power and authority;
			6) The big decisions in this home are normally made after enough thoughtful adult (and perhaps family) talks with clear information and options, rather than from impulse, anger, fear, or someone's need to control or "win";
			7) The resident co-parent/s can now effectively handle any resident or visiting step-child's testing of a stepparent's authority (and bioparental priorities), e.g. "You're not my parent! I don't have to do what you say!")
			8) Household roles (responsibilities): All regular and visiting members in this home, specially stepparents and stepkids, are usually _ clear enough on what they're expected to do. If not, _ they're able to find out easily enough;
			9) The balance of child-guidance and child discipline responsibilities among all adults living in this home is usually _ clear and _ acceptable enough to all residents and visiting (family) kids;
			10) No minor or grown child in this home regularly feels it's their job to "parent," protect, or champion a biosib or stepsib, or any of our family's adults; Kids in this home can safely be kids, vs. little adults, robots, servants, or clones;
			11) In this home, resident and visiting biokids can now clearly and accurately name the main household rules: how and when people are "supposed to" act in various situations;
			12) These key rules are usually felt by all residents - including visiting biochildren - to be clear, consistent, and acceptable enough;
			13) All resident adults, and resident and visiting kids, usually feel that most child discipline rules and consequences in this home are _ clear, _ "fair" enough, and _ negotiable enough;
			14) All family members in this home usually feel that the resident co-parent/s' balance between firmness and flexibility on _ making and _ enforcing key rules and consequences is "fair" enough;
			15) Special events: Generally everyone living in and visiting this home is comfortable enough with the way family birthdays, graduations, holidays, Mother's and Father's Days, vacations, baptisms, communions, bas or bar mitzvahs, and other special times are now celebrated;

	Ours		2) Strengths In and Between Our Co-parenting Homes (continued)
			16) Respect: All regular and visiting residents usually feel valued, considered, and listened to enough (vs. feeling discounted, ignored, scapegoated, or excluded);
			17) Securities: Generally, people in this home all feel now _ that there's usually enough money, health, work, shelter, psychological support , and neighborhood safety, for themselves and all other key family members (like absent bioparents); and that _ there will probably be enough of these in the future;
			18) Litigations: Any inter-home legal fights over child custody, visitation, and/or financial support, or other family-related issues, are definitely and thoroughly resolved - i.e. all related intense feelings have been expressed, heard, and let go, rather than repressed, denied, amplified, discounted, or minimized, by all involved adults and kids;
			19) Resident and/or visiting children are rarely or never used by adults as spies, weapons, or agents in _ this home, or _ with people in another home;
			20) Mourning: Each adult and child in this home is consistently encouraged to be clearly _ aware of, and to _ talk openly with feelings, about their big (physical and invisible) losses from _ prior- family divorce or former mate/parent death, and from _ bio-parental re/marriage and _ merging households, lifestyles, and families;
			21) All adults and resident and visiting kids in this home are usually comfortable _ feeling and _ expressing intense anger, fear, pain, sorrow, or despair without exces-sive shame, guilts, or anxiety; and _ all feel calm enough around other stepfamily members who need to express these;
			22) The co-parent/s in this home _ have a clear, healthy policy about residents grieving their tangible and invisible losses, _ consistently act on this policy themselves (i.e. model it), and _ are effective enough at helping all other stepfamily members accept and act on this policy;
			23) Boundaries: all resident _ adults, and _ resident and visiting kids, in this home respect the needs and limits of other members enough. They all usually... _ make and take non-emergency phone calls at acceptable hours; _ enter each other's homes, bedrooms, and bathrooms with enough notice (like knocking) and permission; _ treat other members' important belongings with respect; and _ get enough person-al, marital, and sibling privacies; _ don't intrude into others' domestic and marital affairs (as judged by the others); and _ respect each other's needs for quiet, personal and household order and cleanliness, and clean air;
	Ours		*2) Strengths In and Between Our Co-parenting Homes* ...**
			24) Expectations: full-time and part-time residents of this home generally have realistic enough re/marital, co-parenting, and stepfamily expectations - e.g. the adults can _ name at least 30 of the 60+ common stepfamily myths, and _ identify the corresponding realities in our stepfamily;
			25) Communications: all full-time and part-time residents in this home would agree without hesitation that communication among them are effective enough - i.e. all these people regularly _ get enough of their main primary needs met, and _ feel good enough about how they do that together;
			26) All full-time and part-time residents of this home now feel that the balances between _ social, family, adults', and alone times; and _ work, play, and rest times; are usually satisfying enough.
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Awarenesses ~

Continue by inventorying the general strengths of your whole multi-generational stepfamily.

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Updated August 29, 2008