Projects 7 thru 12 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily together 

Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths

All Our Genetic and Legal
Relatives' Stepfamily Strengths

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

Yes

?

Not yet

3B) Our Multi-generational Stepfamily Strengths

1)  Identity: we all clearly agree _ hat we are a step, blended, or re/married family (or similar term), _ without excessive discomfort, anxiety, guilt, or shame;

2)  Membership: We all agree enough now on who belongs in our stepfamily - e.g. who's regularly invited to all-family gatherings; and none of our kids or adults are seriously conflicted over this;

3)  Knowledge: All our adults can now clearly name _ 15 or more of the 60+ differences between our multi-home stepfamily and an average intact biofamily, _ most or all of our co-parents' 12 safeguard projects; and _ most of the 30+ special adjustment tasks unique to average minor and grown stepkids; or all our adults (including grown kids) are working to learn about these now; 

4)  Names: Where kids and adults (including biomoms and their own kids, and stepsibs or half sibs) have different last names, all our family members accept this comfortably enough. 

5)  All our members _ are clear on, and _ comfortable enough with, what they want to be called, and _ what they "should" call each of our other stepfamily members (e.g. "Sally" or "my stepdaughter," or "George's daughter"); 

6)  If any stepchild calls a stepparent Mom, Dad, or equivalent, _ it's because they want to, and _ all members feel OK about it; or if the kids don't use these titles, no family members are greatly upset now; 

7)  If one of our stepparents calls a stepchild "my daughter" or "my son," (or doesn't), all our stepfamily members feel OK enough about that now; 

8)  Most of our members are comfortable enough now using the titles "step(mother/ father)," "step(son/daughter)," "step(sister/brother)," and "stepfamily" _ in our homes and _ in public;

9)  There are now no major dependencies among our step or bio- relatives for financial, emotional, physical, and/or housing support that often feel really stressful to any stepfamily member;

10)  Communication  and problem solving in and between our homes usually feel effective and mutually respectful. We all usually feel heard well enough, and get our primary needs met often enough; 

11)  _ All of us know what empathic (or active, or reflective) listening  is, and _ at least our co-parents use it effectively in most key family situations now;

12)  _ Most or all our members usually feel safe in asserting  to get their needs considered; and _ when any of our stepfamily members strongly disagree, they can usually resolve their main differences peacefully and completely enough; 

13)  There are (and have been) no probable or definite sexual attractions or actions
_ between bio and stepsibs, or _ between any adult and child, in our present homes, or our childhood and first-marriage homes; 

Yes

?

Not yet

3B) Our Multi-generational Stepfamily Strengths (continued)

14)  Family harmony: All our family members feel peaceful enough about being in this stepfamily, and  clearly approve of, or at least genuinely accept, all our... 

... and feel peaceful enough on our co-parents' current decisions on: 

15)  None of our kids or adults now _ strongly wants, or _ is repeatedly trying to cause, a reunion between any of our divorced adults or separated biofamilies; 

16)  Each of our previously-divorced adults has a clear-enough understanding of  _ why they broke up, including _ their own role in the breakup; 

17)  None of our adults or (minor and grown) kids hold significant repressed feelings (hurt, resentment, guilt, shame) about _ our members' prior biofamily divorces, _ what caused them, or _ what resulted from them; or if anyone does, they're working effectively on resolving those feelings now;