Why Does This Article Exist?
If
you are truly
with, and
your partner (vs. imagining you are, or feeling you
have to be), you probably want her or him to be
So
assessing whether your
mate has a true addiction (i.e. is significantly
and then acting responsibly on your
results is harder than doing these with other people. This is
because of the primacy of your relationship, and unique impli-cations for you and any dependent kids and special relatives.
Discovering that your mate is
psychologically wounded and addicted
is scary! It implies that (a) you may be
significantly wounded and denying that; (b) you may have made up to
three unwise
which can't be undone, (c) your primary relationship may not last, and (d)
any kids you're co-parenting are at risk of
significant
false-self wounds. These implications are specially scary if you've been
married or committed before, and/or you're middle-aged or older. Pause and
notice where your thoughts go now...
These scary factors can promote...
-
that your mate may be wounded and addicted (reality distortion),
-
discounting the personal and family
of your mate's wounds, and/or...
-
admitting s/he is significantly wounded and
addicted, and doing nothing about that - i.e.
your partner and
promoting a low-nurturance household. And if a false self
runs your life, ...
-
the risk of
and trying to
(take
responsibility for) an addicted mate is higher than with others you care
about.
These are the reasons this article exists.
First Things First
Before reviewing your knowledge and your options,
see if you agree with these ideas:
-
any addiction (toxic compulsion) is a sure symptom of
major
+ false-self
(psychological)
+ personal
+ a low-nurturance environment.
(Agree / not sure / Disagree)
-
addictions can be controlled (vs.
cured), once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and wants to learn a new way of reducing their pain and psychological wounds. (A ? D)
-
Without (a) family (vs. personal)
awareness, (b) informed help, and (c) true (vs. pseudo)
wounds and unawareness
the generations. (A ? D)
-
Typical
(GWCs) unconsciously choose other
psychologically-wounded people as partners and associates
over and over again, despite painful results. (A ? D)
Implication - the
first thing to do if you feel your mate has an addiction is to
for (a) false-self wounds and (b)
your own addiction - specially
codependence. Then check your relationship
for significant unmet needs which may promote self-medication (addiction).
Check Yourself
Premise: the personalities of
all normal kids and adults are composed of three kinds of talented
If you doubt this, please (a) read this memo to you with an open mind, (b) try this safe, interesting
exercise, and then return here.
can distort reality to protect vulnerable
They can
cause you to deny, minimize, or
rationalize any signs of wounds or addiction in you and/or others. If you feel you have
sig-nificant
of an addiction,
make
reducing that a higher priority than assessing your partner for
wounds and addiction. Well-meaning Guardian subselves will try to persuade
you to ignore, discount, or delay doing this.
If (a) you have significant
and perhaps your own
addiction/s, and (b) you're not steadily giving high priority to reducing
them, this article will probably be of little practical use to
you.
To adapt to an addicted mate and protect any dependent kids from
the [wounds + ignorance]
you need accurate knowledge of some key
concepts. To see what you know now, try this...
Status Check - get undistracted and reflect honestly on these
statements. T
= true; F = false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I accept
that personality subselves are normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?)
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a sign of a low-nurturance family, and that
_ addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. (T F ?)
I believe typical addicts are
psychologically
and cannot control their compulsion without
and seeking informed help. They are not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to (a)
false-self dominance, (b) any
addiction, (c) addiction-management
and (d) relapses. (T F ?)
I can clearly define _ what an
addiction is, and
_ the four kinds of addiction. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in typical addicted families. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
traits of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can describe the main difference between addiction
(preliminary) recovery and inner-wound (full)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having "an addictive
personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or what to do about
it." (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
responsive Higher Power (T F ?)
I can
describe _
pseudo recovery
from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction,
_ addiction
relapses,
and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I
understand the 12 "Anonymous" steps for
addiction-management
and inner-wound recovery now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is
to these items now or I know which
is responding. (T
F ?)
|
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now. When you
have _
honestly for
false-self wounds and _ can confidently answer T(rue)
to each item above, you're ready to...
|
Check Your Relationship
You mates depend on your relationship to fill a set of important
If one or both of you are not filling those needs well enough, that can
promote
and self-medication with an addiction. So
before focusing on the latter, take an honest look at your partnership. Two
practical ways to do that are...
How well and how often are your respective partnership-needs being filled
recently? If you conclude "not well enough, often enough," you
probably have several fundamental
to admit and improve, not just
confronting your mate's addiction and its effects on your family.
A common surface
couple-stressor is an inability to
and
effectively.
On a scale of 1 ("we can't problem-solve at all") to 10
("we're always successful at resolving our problems together"), where
would you rank you two recently ___ ? If you're answer is "too low,"
probable causes are...
For
perspective and options on these, study and discuss this article on
marital communications, and then this one on mastering
three common stressors.
If you feel you have no major wounds, addictions, or bigger relationship problems now, then
you're ready to...
Assess Your Partner
If you seek to learn whether your partner is addicted,
refocus on the real questions:
(a) "Does my partner bear major false-self wounds? If so, (b) does s/he know that and (c) what that means
to our relationship and family?"
Is My Partner Wounded?
If you haven't recently, review these slides
and this article for necessary background.
Then use all 12 Project-1 worksheets
to answer this question if your true Self is
Otherwise, settle for a
phased confrontation with your mate, and focus on your
own wound-assessment and any needed
recovery!
If your partner seems to have few
false-self dominance (wound) traits, s/he probably does not have a true
addiction. Double-check this with these
traits and any other criteria
you find by searching the Web on "addiction symptoms" or "addiction
assessment." As you do, keep in mind that there are
not just compulsive
self-medication via
substances.
|
If your mate does seem to be significantly wounded, select
appropriate options from this article and return here. You'll use your
findings in evaluating the options below...
|
Is My Partner Addicted?
Recall a basic premise here:
a true addiction, including co-addiction (codependence) and
are each
reliable signs of significant false-self dominance and wounds.
Managing addictive thoughts and behaviors
effectively for at least a year ("preliminary
recovery") is required to progress on full recovery from false-self
dominance and wounds. Do you agree with this?
Begin
to evaluate a possible addiction in your partner by learning the
traits of any addiction. These
traits indicate two things:
-
is the person truly addicted? and if so,
-
where is s/he and her/his family in the normal progression of the addiction -
early, middle, or late phase?
| The second question is useful in determining how best
to intervene. Recall that a useful, well-accepted diagram of this progression showing the
common sequence of behaviors is called the
Jellinek
Curve, after it's creator. It was originally designed to show the
progression of alcoholism in an individual (vs. a family) by
identifying a sequence of characteristic behaviors. These may be adapted to
any addiction. |
Addiction to activities (e.g.
workaholism,
PC usage, cleaning, or gambling),
relationships
(codependence), mood states (e.g.
rageaholism,
or sexual
excitement), or other substances
(e.g. fat, sugar, nicotine, and other drugs) may not have some of the behaviors
of
alcoholism (like "black-outs"), but the Curve illustrates the theme of
inexorable addiction-behavior progression.
Make a preliminary judgment as to what
pain-reduction strategy your mate's false-self may be ad-dicted to. Then search the Web for related addiction
traits and appropriate variations of the Curve for that addiction - e.g. a
diagram of progressive behaviors for an over-eating, shoplifting,
sexual, or
gambling
compulsion
.
The best way to make an accurate
judgment is to hire a professional addictions counselor
to help you
decide if your mate is addicted or not. If s/he is addicted (wounded),
an effective counselor
can also help you judge...
-
whether you are unintentionally
your mate, and...
-
how your partner's addiction is affecting your family's
wholistic health and nurturance level - specially if you mates influence minor kids.
Because
each addiction has its own rituals and progression traits, seek a
professional with special experience and training in your mate's type of compulsion.
It's unlikely that you'll a counselor who is familiar with how false-self wounds
relate to addictions and recovery, because most schools haven't validated
them yet. Most experienced, licensed addiction counselors can still be a great help.
Caution - avoid blindly
accepting the opinion of a well-meaning friend or relative about your mate's
being addicted or not. Most people don't know addiction and false-self wound
basics, so their opinions are often well-meant - and wrong.
For example: people with fundamentalist religious beliefs who
rigidly insist
that addiction is an individual (vs. family) problem and is "the devil's
work" which can only be healed by prayer and "spiritual warfare" or equivalent.
Well-informed clergy and congregations can be a major
resource for addicted families motivated to recover!
Options for Adapting
If
you conclude that your mate is self-medicating major inner pain with a
toxic compulsion, you may (a) delay
confronting him or her, (b) prepare to confront, and (c) confront. The rest of this
article explores special considerations for the first and last of these
options. For a larger perspective on these choices, see
this.
Delay Confronting
Premise - People seek a primary partner to fill some
Can you name the needs you mates are trying to help
each other fill? Doing so will raise your awareness of what
partnership-needs (a) your mate's addiction may be blocking, and/or (b)
what needs may become unfilled if you confront your mate.
If you're not willing to assess each of these honestly now, your true Self is
probably
and one or more
are trying to protect you from major discomfort.
If...
-
your Self (capital "S") is
(i.e. you're not co-dependent or addicted
yourself), and...
-
your mate is probably or surely addicted (wounded
and unaware),
and...
-
you have no more urgent partnership or family problems, and...
-
you're
hesitant about planning to confront your mate over time or directly,
then...
identify
your subselves' reactions
when you think about confronting. They may
be something like...
"C'mon, this (the addiction) isn't that big a
problem." (a dominant
subself distorting reality by minimizing)
"You know confronting (your mate) won't
do any good. It will just cause
bigger problems - its not worth it."
"Let's wait to see what happens."
"What if s/he denies being addicted, or says
s/he won't change?"
and
"What if this leads to divorce?"
Worrier, and Catastrophizer)
"What would (some other important person/s)
say if I confront my mate?" (Scared Child,
and
"But we can't afford professional help with
this (so don't confront now)." (various Guardian subselves)
If I confront, we'll have to look at what
our addiction and co-addiction have done to our children. WAY too scary (so
don't confront)!
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/08/addicted_mate.htm