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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment,
vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
In this article, "marriage" means any committed primary relationship
between two adults. "Pri-mary" means that mates voluntarily give priority to
their relationship over others, because they depend on each other to fill
The unremarked recent U.S. divorce epidemic suggests that a
high percentage of American mates
become dissatisfied with their relationship and end it psychologically or
legally. Two
things cause the epidemic: the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle
inherited from uninformed ancestors, and the public's pas-sive acceptance of
unqualified child conception and parenting.
This article is the first in a
devoted to helping couples forge and keep a mutually-satisfying marriage and
avoid divorce. The article outlines three keys to solving nine
basic primary-relationship problems:
The keys are - mates
need to want to help each other...
-
assess for and reduce significant psychological
from a
childhood;
-
raise their
of up to seven key
and...
-
create a
family together.
All other "marital problems" - like
money, affairs,
addictions,
loyalties,
too little time together,
boundary violations,
parenting disputes, home
management, and
clashes with
and
relatives
are symptoms of these nine problems. Does
this make sense to you?.
Perspective
All people in relationships experience minor to major "problems"
- unfilled or clashing needs. Typical
mates depend on each other to fill unique needs,
so effective problem-solving is often extra
complex and challenging for them.
From 29 years
clinical research and experience, I suggest specific
ways for mates to master these three keys as loving teammates. That empowers
them to avoid and resolve
the nine secondary marital stressors above.
Here's perspective on each key:
Key 1) Assess and Reduce Psychological Wounds
Why? Kids raised in
childhoods automatically develop a mix psychological wounds: a
disorganized
excessive shame, guilts, fears, and/or reality distortions, distrust or
over-trust, and possibly an inability to form healthy
with some or all living things. Until they
and start to heal,
tend to choose each other as mates - repeatedly - and often have major
relationship problems like those above.
Options
-
-
Learn.
Read and discuss these
Project 1
articles with an open mind:
-
an
introduction to personality subselves (like yours) -
slides or
text
-
Q&A items about personality
subselves
-
if
you're skeptical about subselves, read this
letter and then try this safe,
interesting exercise;
-
Read
this summary of six false-self
wounds, and...
-
This
introduction to "Grown Wounded
Children" (GWCs), and study...
-
What it means to
be an unrecovering GWC; and read...
-
This
overview of wound-reduction ("recovery") -
slides or
text, and this...
-
Overview of the
silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle -
slides or text
-
Then
apply these concepts
-
Assess yourself for
significant false-self wounds, and decide if you want to reduce any
you find. If you defer or skip this step, all other options are less
apt to benefit you mates;
-
Evolve
and work an effective wound-reduction
program with qualified help;
-
If
you're courting and childless, use these Project-7
worksheets to avoid
committing to a wounded partner (unless s/he is clearly self-motivated
to reduce he or his wounds. If either of you have existing kids, use
these worksheets;
-
When
your
is steadily
your personality,
assess your
partner for significant false-self
wounds. Use professional help if needed to avoid skewed findings;
-
If your
partner appears to be a
(GWC), tailor the options in this
article.
-
Use
your learnings about wound-reduction and the topics below to resolve all secondary
relationship problems as needed (table above)
As you help
each other identify and reduce your wounds...
Key 2) Increase Your Knowledge and Awareness
Why? My clinical work with over 1,000 average Midwestern
Americans suggests most adults lack fundamental
about effective
relationships, communication, grief, and parenting. Our media ceaselessly
urges over-stimulated, warp-speed lives with little awareness of (a)
and (b) our
with other people - unless they have major crises like
Implication - average adults like
you don't know what they don't know. That means they don't seek to learn the
topics below, and can't teach their
kids some of what they need for healthy adult indepen-dence. So average
mates (like you?) need to...
-
Assess
your mutual knowledge by using these
Then...
-
Commit to learning these foundation
concepts together as appropriate -
-
As you
your
to guide your personalities,
help each other steadily
practice growing your
and
awarenesses.
If you're tempted to skip or
this foundation study, lower your expectation of benefiting from this
article and series. If you're in a
relationship crisis and seek a quick fix, see
While you reduce your wounds and
increase your knowledge together...
Key
3) Form a Pro-grief Relationship and Family
Why? Unless people are too wounded, they form bonds
(emotional attachments) throughout their lives. By choice or chance, these
bonds break, causing painful
Kids raised in low-nurturance families are often discouraged from
their losses well. As adults, they aren't aware of the
toxic effects of incomplete
mourning, and may unconsciously reproduce
the
families they grew up in.
Couples can guard against this
by...
-
studying this overview of
Project 5 - build a pro-grief family;
-
discussing this
research summary on "complicated
grief," and this one on expressing feelings;
-
reviewing these worksheets on
tangible and
invisible losses;
-
discussing this introduction to healthy
three-level grieving - slides or
text;
-
comparing these
six good-grief steps to your style
of mourning, and adjust your style as needed;
-
read these articles on
permissions and personal and
family grieving policies. Then define
(a) what your policies have been, and (b)
whether you're living in a
"pro-grief" home and family now.
-
option - define the grieving
values of the home/s you mates each
grew up in, and compare them to your present policies; and...
-
identify the major losses in your lives to
date, and check for symptoms of
incomplete mourning for each major loss; and...
-
if either of you mates complain of
"depression," assess whether it may really
be healthy grieving;
-
if you're raising kids, discuss whether
they're learning healthy grieving basics
and three-level grief. Options
- use this quiz as a guide, and have
one or more family meetings on "good
grief." .
Progress on these three keys over time can help you partners grow a solid foundation
for resolving major relationship problems. Permanently
solving significant relationship
problems is more likely if you partners "do your homework" first. In my
experience, most American mates don't - and over half eventu-ally
break up legally or psychologically.
Options
Recall why you began reading this, and consider your choices now. You may ...
Agree with
much of what you've read here, and act on it "sometime" (vs.
today);
Help each other build the habits of...
-
the
causing your surface problems,
-
maintaining genuine
attitudes and two-person
in important discussions; and...
-
confirming that your respective true
Selves are
in any
significant conflicts, and learning how to
them if they're not present.
Give copies of this article to your partner and anyone else you
wish (like older kids, ex mates, involved relatives,
supporters, and support-group participants), and have fruitful discussions together
toward more effective
relationship
Put copies of this article, these
guidelines,
and this attitude inventory
where you mates can easily find them. Reread them out loud as
when either of you feel stuck on some key relationship problem. And/or...
Discuss relevant items in this Q&A
article about marriage;
Use this strengths inventory to
affirm what's good about your relationship, and identify things to
improve; and/or...
Pass on what you're learning
here to other people to help combat
the widespread [wounds + unawareness]
And/or...
Periodically (e.g. on
anniversaries), use copies of
these articles to measure your growing success
at resolving personal and mutual relationship problems effective
ly. Your success will
accelerate in proportion to your shared dedication to family
(assess for false-self wounding and heal, if warranted) and
(learn and practice seven communication
together).
You
have lots of choices here!
Note the
guidebook
for Project 8:
The Remarriage Book
- master common stressors together," by Peter Gerlach, MSW (Xlibris.com.
2002). It integrates many articles and
resources in this non-profit Web site. Most of the
con-tents apply to any primary
relationship.
Recap
This reference article builds on the introduction
to
by describing three keys to avoiding and resolving most (all?) marital problems:
mates...
-
admit and
significant psychological
from a
childhood;
-
raise their
of seven key
and possibly...
-
help each other co-create a
This and related articles suggest specific steps to
progress on these keys.
All other articles in this
series are based on them. For more
perspective, see these idea on
preventing family stress and divorce.
+ + +
Continue by selecting relevant articles from the
Project 8 index, or follow a
link below.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's
these
questions - your wise resident
or
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