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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is one of a
series of articles
focuses on resolving common problems between
Other
articles focus on improving relations between ex
mates, stepparents and stepkids, stepsiblings, and stepfamily relatives.
This
article describes two symptoms, and four underlying primary re/marital
problems about dead ex mates. The next page describes an array of action
options. If you or
your mate is a widow/er, you may have a “ghost problem” in your
relationship. If you’re not sure, try this status check: T =
"true enough," F = "basically false," and "?" = "I'm not sure," or "it
depends (on what?)"
The
widow/er
feels (a) primary enough (b) often enough in our relationship. (T
F ?)
Both of us can describe (a)
good-grief
, and (b) common
of incomplete grief.
(T
F ?) Option: take this grief
quiz.
I
have / my mate has
clearly
the losses of the former mate and
prior family well enough. (T F ?)
My mate and I can discuss
how the dead person is affecting our relationship clearly and honestly now,
without
or avoiding anything.
(T F ?)
The dead person
has not
hindered our relationship in any major way so far (T F ?)
The dead person's kids (if any) have
all grieved their
well enough now (T F ?)
My
is
these questions. (T F ?)
Pause and reflect... If you learned something just now, what is it, and what
does it mean?
Get the most from reading this
by first studying these:...
-
three keys and basic
premises
about resolving relationship problems;
-
the fundamentals of a mutually
satisfying relationship,
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours) -
slides or
text,
-
the
most stepfamily re/marriages and kids are highly
stressed, and the common
problems
they cause
-
the
co-parent partners can team up on to counteract four of
these five reasons.
Illustration
My client
stepfather Todd
(not his real name) was a
slender, previously
unmarried man who had just wedded an appealing widow with four bi-racial
pre-teen kids. His described arriving home from work one recent night to find that
his thirty-something wife Louise had put up an array of pictures of her and
her dead first husband on the landing leading to the upstairs bedrooms. She hadn’t
told him she wanted to do this or asked how he would feel about it.
Todd described struggling with shock, hurt,
anger, guilt, and ambivalence. He said
“I
wasn’t crazy about being reminded every time I used the stairs that I wasn’t
her first love, and knowing that her kids would be reminded of their Dad
every single day.
They’re already ignoring me pretty much, and Louise says I’m ‘too sensitive'
if I say that bothers me." Like most co-parents, neither of these good people knew much about
stepfamilies when they exchanged vows.
Rather than say how he felt
and what he needed,
Todd asked his wife why she put up these pictures. She said “I
want my kids to remember that their parents had some happy times.”
Her former husband had spent much of their kids’ lives in jail. Louise
had little empathy for how the pictures and her motive would affect Todd.
Her
included only her and her kids, as it had for the
several years after her husband’s death.
Todd tried to balance his and Louise’s needs
by suggesting that she put the pictures in his stepkids’ rooms. “I can’t,”
she replied flatly. “Their walls are already jammed with rock stars and
school stuff.” The painful meanings he drew from this were
“My wife
values her kids’ needs more than mine,” and “If I want to be here, I
have to endure daily reminders of being number two, and maybe never gaining
the acceptance of my stepkids.”
Louise said (defensively) that all four
of her (non-stepfamily) sisters agreed that what she did was “reasonable.”
That implied that Todd’s discomfort was “unreasonable.” Louise “saw no
point” to joint counseling, and encouraged her husband to go to fix his
problem. This (familiar) tale was a classic early-warning sign of major
re/marital problems ahead...
Perspective
Roughly 10%
of recent U.S. re/marriages
follow the premature death of one partner's former mate.
Psychologists estimate that all the losses from a mate’s death combine into
one of the greatest traumas that
adults can experience. The
healthy natural response is
three-level
which
- if unimpeded - eventually allows the
widow/er to accept their losses, restabilize their inner and outer lives,
and start to form new bonds.
| Because our wounded culture and media
currently overfocus on pleasure, distraction, and profit,
most Americans
trivialize the essential process of mourning. This includes
ignoring the reality that many
adults and kids get
"stuck" in their vital
(mental + emotional + spiritual) acceptance process. When adults or kids get
in moving through the phases of normal mourning, they can experience
a range of significant physical, psychological, and social problems.
Many unaware people mistake
normal or incomplete grief for
|
A
possible problem is a
widow/er
that
s/he hasn't mourned well, and re/marrying
What
often happens after courtship thrills and illusions inevitably fade is that
the new spouse gradually feels uneasy, then concerned, then resentful, that
the widow/er isn't really bonding (attaching psychologically and spiritually)
with them enough.
There are
of
incomplete grief. For
example, the survivor may openly or covertly resist making new friends, and
changing dwellings, furnishings and decoration, churches, rituals, and/or
favorite places (restaurants, vacation spots, etc.). S/He may enshrine
photos, videos, music, or sentimental tokens (greeting cards, love letters,
clothing, jewelry, mementos...).
The new mate begins to feel they're competing
unsuccessfully for the love of their wonderful partner (and/or for the
acceptance and affection of their stepkids) with a ghost. Do you
feel anything like this? Do you know someone who does?
Two Red Herrings
There are at least two
surface problems
(symptoms) to
understand here. The primary needs causing them are
usually semi-conscious at best. The first symptom is one or more…
Frustrating, Hurtful Behaviors
Your beloved mate does things like these too
often:
Repeatedly calling you by the dead
person’s name and saying "You're too sensitive," joking about it, or saying “I can’t help it.”
Insisting on displaying or keeping
emotionally-loaded mementos in your home (like Louise’s family pictures),
despite your discomfort.
Continually reminiscing alone or with
kids and kin about good first-marriage times, despite your discomfort.
Getting “depressed” at holidays,
birthdays, and anniversaries, (or other times) and refusing to do anything
about it, even though it stresses you.
or refusing
to sell
the first-marriage home or other property, and/or balking at redecorating and
refurnishing with new “ours” choices.
Your mate keeps her married last name
(“for the kids’ sake”) despite your requests to take yours.
He or she excludes your kids in his or
her will or insurance, despite your disappointment, hurt, or resentment.
S/He ignores your requests to “say
something” to kids and relatives who constantly bring up the dead person and
former “good (or bad) times.”
S/He refuses to compromise and
start new stepfamily traditions, despite your requests.
S/He develops chronic illness/es which
(a) doctors can “find no reason for,” and (b) may not respond to
medications.
Your partner...
-
doesn’t really
empathize with your feelings and needs,
-
blames you for being childish,
immature, unreasonable, unreasonable,
and/or self-centered (relative to dead-mate issues); and...
-
denies or justifies (defends) this.
S/He (a) insists on inviting her
former in-laws to family celebrations or other occasions, and/or (b) s/he
awards them
than your own relatives, and denies or defends
this.
These are typical behaviors that suggest a
re/married widow/er isn't finished grieving a dead partner and their lost
relationship, rituals, pleasures, dreams, and family. Any or all of these can cause you pain – and
none of them is the real problem.
A probable related surface
"ghost"
problem is…
How You Respond to
Your Mate
If you're frustrated over “competing
with a ghost,” you may be promoting your own discomfort. See if you
recognize yourself
in any of these:
"I've
been reacting to my mate's
unfinished
grief by repressing the confusion, hurt, and anger I'm feeling;
and pretending that...
-
there's no real problem here (denying); and that...
-
I'm feeling
angry, critical, and ashamed for repressing,
denying, and avoiding. Add analyzing, obsessing, regretting,
self-doubting, and getting depressed or sick, if you need to.
A variation of
this is constantly blaming yourself, and thinking “This (re/marital)
will get better if I just wait it out. Time heals all wounds.”
Or…
”I've been expressing my
confusion, hurt, and resentment loudly to my mate, others, or everyone, directly or
indirectly. I’ve done this to (a) vent, and/or to (b) get my mate to want
to value me more. My expressions may have felt like blame to my partner, or
like complaints, nagging, requests, demands, whining, hints, or pleadings. I
need my spouse to (want to) change!” Or...
"I’ve been trying
hard to be rational, adult, reasonable, compassionate, unselfish, and understanding
of my mate’s deep pain; and I’ve patiently empathized with and supported him
or her - partly by withholding the burden of my discontent,
vs. equally
honoring and asserting my own needs firmly and clearly.” Or…
“I’ve been viewing my ghost-combat
stress as...
my mate's problem (Why
can't s/he just face reality and let go of the dead person and/or their
relationship?);” or...
my problem (I'm just
too insensitive,
and
rather than...
our problem. (We
both need to change to relieve my stress.)”
Which of these four comes closest to
describing how you're reacting to the dead mate's ghost in your
Is there a best way to respond? I propose “Yes.”
Stay tuned…
Do these two surface re/marital problems
involving dead ex mates make sense to you?
Four
Primary Problems
|
This Website proposes that what you
see as a 'relationship problem” is often a
of one or more unfilled
If you’re like Todd (above) and feel you’re in
an impossible re/marital con-test with your partner’s dead former mate, I
propose that the real problems to reduce include
unawareness of… |
your
of subselves, and
dominance in one or both of you partners;
and your not knowing…
healthy-grief
concepts, and
how to
blocked grief; plus each of you prob-ably aren’t aware of…
you both are communicating about
your respective needs, and
communication
skills. The former unawareness starts with not
clearly and
what you each really need. And you
two may also be unclear on…
stepfamily
norms,
realities, and
including
inevitable
and
conflicts and PVR
and what to do about each of
them.
Another possible primary problem is that
one or both of you re/wedded the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
You’re specially vulnerable to this if you two didn’t
do some version of safeguard
before you
exchanged vows. Recall: recent literature suggests that
over
half of typical American remarried couples like you two divorce
psychologically or legally within seven to 10 years of their nuptial
vows.
Continue with a range of action options.
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