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This is one of over 150 articles focused on breaking the [wounds +
unawareness]
and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes this Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
How would you describe modern "divorce" to someone who knew nothing about
it? When do think a divorce is "finished"? In your opinion, what does
it take - specifically - for an adult or a child to "adjust well" to divorce?
Consider that recently, over half of average Americans have been
significantly affected by someone's psychological or legal divorce. Have
you?
"Divorce" is an emotionally-charged term
that can mean many things.
Communicating clearly about it requires perspective,
and
To
promote clarity,
this article offers a brief per-spective from
29 years' professional research on...
Option: before or after reading this, study this
slide presentation on divorce and
divorce-recovery. If you have
trouble viewing the slides, see
Most discussions, materials, and programs on divorce focus mainly on
the people, events, and time-period aiming to end a legal marriage
contract. This focus can be significantly misleading
because
legal dissolution is only
of the full multi-year
[personal + social]
divorce process.
Premise - parents and family supporters can fill their and
their kids' needs better if
everyone is clear on what "divorce" refers to.
Think of one or more people you care about who "are divorced."
Then compare your definition of "divorce" to this...
What Does "Divorce" Mean?
Our English word comes from the Latin verb
divertere, which meant "to turn aside." The concept of divorce is as ancient as human
marriage. Depending on who you are and what you need,
the noun or verb divorce can refer to...
-
a complex, multi-year
psychological process, and...
-
a source of major
invisible and
physical losses (broken bonds) that need patient grieving, and...
-
a source of significant adult
and...
-
a major change in personal
and...
-
a
painful, powerful learning experience,
and...
-
a
difficult social adjustment
process, and...
-
an expensive, draining
legal
process, and...
-
a courtroom and legal
event,
and...
-
a major
financial-reorganization process, and...
-
an important
process, and...
-
a human-service focus, and...
-
a high-interest media focus
(for some people),
and...
-
a disturbing symptom of widespread
in our culture, and...
-
an opportunity for
those who sell divorce-adjustment and prevention services and materials.
How does this compare to your definition? Here's some perspective on each
of these meanings: divorce is...
1) The gradual
psychological process in mates, minor and adult
kids, and caring supporters, of losing (a) respect, trust, and caring for a
loved or esteemed person, (b) emotional and possibly financial security, (c) family identity and pride,
(d)
hope for improvement, and (e) motivation to keep trying.
This painful,
multi-level change process starts well before, and lasts well beyond,
granting a legal divorce decree, spanning 10 to 20+ years. This
complex multi-level process is often extended and amplified by
legal conflicts
and related hostilities. And the divorce process...
2) Causes
major
tangible and
invisible losses (broken
bonds) for adults
and kids which
require patient
mentally +
psychologically + (for some
people) spiritually. Adults and kids from
families often have trouble
mourning these and other
losses. This silently promotes significant health, relationship, and
psychological stresses.
For people who can form genuine (vs. pseudo)
grieving
(accepting) all the changes and losses from the divorce process
takes many years. I believe incomplete grief is one of
for the silent U.S.
(re)divorce epidemic that now wounds
millions of average adults and kids. And divorce is also...
3)
A cause of significant
adult
and
feeling a “failure” in one or both mates and perhaps their kids and
bioparents. These feelings are specially powerful in
adults and kids in or from a
low-nurturance childhood. And "divorce" usually means…
4)
A change in the personal
identity of each mate and affected child:
e.g.
-
“Yesterday, I was a wife (husband). Today, I’m a single divorced wo/man;”
-
"I used to belong to a normal family. Now my
Mom left and we're not normal."
This
identity-shift can significantly affect how each mate, child, and special other
people (like grandparents) feel about themselves and each other. And divorce
is also…
5) A
powerful learning experience which shapes future
(a) choices of new
mate (if any), and (b) expectations about dating and re/marriage. (“I no
longer believe ‘til death do us part,’ and ‘our love will see us through’.”)
Minor kids may learn from parental separation that "The way to handle
marriage problems is to leave (or make your mate leave), no matter what the
kids need." And divorce is…
6) The complex, painful
social process of reorganizing the
relationships and rankings of family and friends, as two mates and any
kids and bonded relatives separate psychologically, physically, and legally.
This includes complex, stressful changes in the roles and relationships among
all members of the multi-generational biofamily or
including name-changes, wills, insurance, and
identities. This multi-level reorganization causes a web of losses (broken
bonds) in adults and kids that requires a
environment to accept, over
time.
And divorce also means…
7)
The
legal process resulting in dissolution of
contractual marital responsibilities. In contested divorces, competing lawyers usually amplify the
conflict between partners. This adds hurts and resent-ments that often take
years to heal. That...
-
lowers the
of their post-divorce
family,
-
strengthens
in all concerned, and...
-
lowers the
success odds of later remarriages.
This legal process also involves
negotiating complex, conflictual
changes in responsibilities and asset ownership, like home and car
titles, savings accounts and debts, insurance coverages, and wills.
And "divorce" can also refer to…
8)
The courtroom event that ends the legal phase
of the process and results in a
legal document decreeing that partners are no longer subject to local laws and
obligations as married mates. If biokids are involved, the decree or a related
often defines
co-parenting responsibilities and behaviors.
This decree usually affects the roles and rights of any future new mates
(stepparents), who have little
ability to amend it. In a re/divorce, stepparents usually have few or no
legal rights or responsibilities to their stepkids, depending on state laws.
The "/" in re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
And "divorce" is also…
9) A
major financial-reorganization process, in which all family members
have to reappraise...
-
their attitudes, priorities, and behaviors about...
-
earning, spending, investing, and saving, and bequeathing money and wealth, and
about...
-
who is responsible for paying for what, for which
family members.
"Money"
seems to be one of the top
three surface (secondary) stressors in typical American
families and
stepfamilies. And "divorce" can refer to...
10)
The
process
of (a) reconciling the several processes above with a Higher Power, and (b)
formally proclaiming that a spiritually-sanctioned union is dissolved. Each
church denomination has its own stance on "sundering" holy marital vows.
Divorcing
Catholic couples must obtain a ruling from a church tribunal affirming
that there are acceptable reasons for dissolving their vows to each other and
to God. This formal annulment process is often long and arduous,
increasing the agony of the overall divorce process.
It can evoke intense
embarrassment (public shame), and anxiety in the partners
and their religious relatives and friends. These can hinder personal and
family
and
from false-self
promoting low family
nurturance and more wounding.
And on a social level, "divorce" is...
11) A
human-service focus, and a capitalistic or humanitarian opportunity
for thousands of people and organizations who want to help divorcing-family
members for profit and/or altruistic satisfaction. The number of local "divorce support,
"divorce recovery," and "single-parent" groups and programs surely number in
the thousands across our land. My impression is that the number of
divorce prevention ("marriage
enrichment") programs is far fewer.
See
www.smartmarriages.com for a
helpful
array of the latter.
Finally, divorce and re/divorce are …
12) Symptoms that one or both partners picked the wrong
to
commit to, at the wrong
for the wrong
The recent ~47% U.S.
first-divorce rate and (probably) higher re/divorce rate implacably suggest widespread
psychological wounding and ignorance in our population and ancestors.
This implies epidemic
and
in our society
(you?), our family laws, and the programs that train our
clergy, lawyers, judges, clinicians, and family-life educators. And...
|
A
second or third divorce implies the person is still (a) dominated by a
and unaware of (b) their psychological wounds,
(c) their recovery options, (d) key
and (e) their unawarenesses.
|
Reflect: Have you ever seen all the
meanings of divorce in one place before? What does the above mean to you and those you care about now?
What Causes Most Divorces?
After 27 years' professional study of this question, I propose these
fundamental reasons:
-
Typical partners are unaware of the
toxic effects
of the [wounds + ignorance]
on their childhood family,
and relationships; and...
-
Partners' combined psychological
and
cause them to make up to
three unwise
mate-commitment choices; and...
-
When personal, relationship, and parenting
problems inevitably escalate, typical partners lack
-
Troubled couples can find little
informed, effective help on avoiding or reducing these three stressors in
their community and/or the media, starting with the
clergy who officiate at their
commitment ceremony.
|
If this four-factor premise is true, then
most divorce can be
prevented! This
nonprofit Web site offers practical perspective, options, and
resources to (a) end the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, (b) evolve
high-nurturance families, and (c) prevent psychological
and legal divorce. |
Typical Effects of Divorce
Typical impacts
of the multi-year divorce
process vary by person, family, and circumstance, but some are
widespread:
-
gradual shifting from
marital and family hope and
optimism to pessimism and possible despair (loss of key
dreams and expectations);
-
prolonged periods of anxieties, confusions,
guilts, frustrations, hurts, and resentments among adults and kids,
including concerned relatives and key friends;
-
complex sets of tangible and invisible
that require months or years for each
affected family adult and child to grieve well;
-
temporary or chronic loss of self-respect
and/or mutual respect in some family members;
-
one or both divorcing partners - and maybe
their parents - feeling significant regret and guilts for various
reasons. Unresolved
may lower self-respect and hinder (a)
grieving, (b) co-parental teamwork, and (c) forming new bonds.
And
the multi-level divorce process can promote...
-
major shifts in, and disputes over,
financial security and asset ownerships. One or both ex mates and
custodial kids' financial security may drop significantly for many
months after marital separation; and...
-
family members and key
friends may form adversarial groups, which reduces
support and adds conflicts for some or all adults and
kids; and...
-
possible lose-lose
legal battles over property and
parenting settlements, which inexorably amplify original disputes
and
to child-care cooperation;
and another effect is the...
-
psychological
of minor children,
(a) possibly slowing or blocking their normal
develop-ment; and (b)
creating a group of
difficult adjustment needs which they don't understand, and need informed adult help to fill;
and divorce causes...
-
unquantifiable stresses in local and
our larger society; and...
-
situational stressors unique to each family
and community.
If
you have divorced, or know someone who has, can you identify other
significant personal and social impacts of marital and family dis-integration?
What
is "Divorce Adjustment"?
A couple's three-phase, multi-year divorce process may be said to
start...
When the divorcing person/s
first began to automatically form a protective
to
a
childhood; or...
When two
idealistic,
adults
commit to the wrong
partner, for the wrong reasons,
at the wrong time; or divorce can be said to start...
When one or both mates
begin to psychologically distance (weaken their
and com-mitment) because they
(a) feel their relationship-needs are not met well
enough (i.e. they can't problem-solve effectively), and they (b) see no hope for improvement; or
divorce starts...
When one mate
calls an attorney.
Premise: a family's multi-level
divorce process ends when all affected adults and kids have...
-
filled a set of
adjustment needs,
-
truly accepted (grieved) their losses
(broken bonds) on all
and
have...
-
stabilized their inner and outer lives and
relationships, and have...
-
clearly resumed their normal
developmental growth and life activities.
How
Long Can Divorce Take?
In most cases, divorce upsets the whole
not just a couple. So "divorce
adjustment" refers to the process required for all members to grieve their
losses and stabilize changes in their roles, identities,
relationships, rituals, activities and assets.
Research suggests that
full family adjustment can take typical kids and adults many years after a
divorce decree is signed (vs. after the divorce began). If the pre- and post-legal phases of the full
divorce process are included, the
process may easily take a decade or more to stabilize for average kids and
co-parents:
psychological
divorce period |
+ |
legal-divorce
period |
+ |
post-decree
adjustment period
|
<- - - - - - - - - 10 or more years - - - - - - - - - - ->
|
|
This
suggests that it's more
realistic to describe co-parents, kids, and bonded relatives as
divorcing, vs. divorced at any point in this long process.
This adjective can offset the need to deny or minimize the uncomfortable causes and impacts of full divorce as soon as
possible - which can hinder healthy
|
Realistically, identifying the "impacts of divorce" must include how the
months or years of
psychological-divorce
affect the
of each extended-family adult and child. This effect can be
generalized as:
-
divorce-stress promotes
in some or all family members, which...
-
lowers
the
of the divorcing family a little to a lot.
In
my professional experience since 1979,
a high percentage of
typical American co-parents cohabit
or re/wed
after mate death or legal divorce. They do this from
+
+ an unconscious desire to avoid the pain of full
divorce recovery.
Many (wounded) young adults marry too soon and later
divorce psychologically or legally, for many reasons. The net effect is:
the three phases of divorce probably stress more
American lives than AIDS or cancer. What's your opinion?
After 29 years'
research, I believe many researchers, clinicians, authors, and divorcing people
over-focus on the impacts of the legal divorce process and event, and
minimize or ignore the false-self wounds +
+
that cause it.
Many learned
studies, laws, and lay books and articles focus on the “effects of (legal) divorce”
- and overlook or discount the
underlying psychological wounding that starts
in the ex mates’
childhoods. I've seen no studies of the developmental and social effects of psychological
(non-legal) divorce on persons, families, and our society - have you?
Based on the above and
many years' clinical
experience with hundreds of average (Midwestern, Anglo) divorcing families and stepfamilies, I recommend
adults work patiently at (a)
to promote true-Self wisdom, awareness,
and leadership; (b) improving their Project-2
