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This is
one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways
to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These
articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before
continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
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U.S. Marriage
and Divorce Statistics
The 11/7/07 online newsletter of
Life Innovations, Inc., a nonprofit marital enrichment program,
published these statistics. No sources were given.
-
Of the 2.3 million marriages in 2006, about
half (53%) took place in a religious setting.
-
The average cost of a wedding is $27,500.
-
Of
the U.S. 111 million households, 52% are now made up of married couples
with and without children.
-
There is less than a 50% chance that couples currently married will
reach their 25th anniversary.
-
While the average divorce rate is
50%, it is 40% for first marriage, 60% for second marriages and 73% for
third marriages.
-
Couples
separate on the average seven years after marriage, and divorce after
eight.
-
Over 90% of people get married once. But
those marrying are waiting until they are older and they are less likely
to remarry following a divorce.
-
Over 6
million couples now cohabit, a dramatic increase from only 500,000
cohabiting couples in 1970.
The National Center for Health Statistics estimated that in 1993, about
1,187,000 U.S.
were granted, affecting 1,075,000 children. The numbers
don't tell how many of those were re/divorces. At this rate, during each
25-year generation there are ~60 million
American men and women and over 27 million
children affected emotionally, spiritually, developmentally, and
financially by marital and biofamily separations and the
that cause them. These
numbers exclude millions of co-parents and kids living in daily misery
because marital separation or legal divorce are not practical options.
For perspective, between
1918 and 1920, the Spanish Flu killed an estimated 50 million people,
dominated worldwide headlines, and was labeled a pandemic. Can
you recall reading an headlines about the American divorce epidemic?
Roughly 70% of divorced American women and men remarry within 10 years. About
70% of them are parents, creating or expanding a stepfamily.
Recently, about nine of ten re/marriages follow the prior divorce
of one or both partners, vs. the death of a
mate.
Many authors claim that over half of U.S. stepfamilies legally re/divorce within 10 years of
exchan-ging vows, compared to
~47% of recent first-time marriages. An unknown percentage of stepfamily kids and adults
live in significant misery because couples are psychologically divorced. In 1996 the govern-ment
stopped compiling statistics on national marriage and divorce patterns,
so
(to my knowledge) meaningful stepfamily re/divorce-rate estimates are not available.
|
The point: the total number of American adults
and kids seriously afflicted by legal and psycho-logical divorce
and what causes it is surely far greater than those affected by AIDS... |
Estimating the U.S. re/divorce rate may be relevant for policy makers and legislators,
but not for individual couples or stepfamilies. Regardless of the rate,
research since 1970 consistently suggests that typical American stepfamily life is significantly
stressful for most adults and kids,
My experience
as a full-time stepfamily therapist and researcher since 1979 suggests that most American co-parents
(stepparents and bioparents) are unprepared to...
for up to
The good
news is -
once co-parents are aware of these
factors and commit to reducing them together, they can better
fill their and their kids' needs.
America's "drug problem" is a useful simile to the unremarked U.S.
"(re)divorce problem." Basic options for reacting to these
personal and social ills are to...
-
wring our hands - and ignore them,
-
acknowledge and analyze
(intellectualize) them,
-
react to
their real-time personal and social consequences, or...
-
act - i.e. prevent
them.
Our national
attention is focused more on reacting to "drug problem," it, rather than preventing what
drives the demand for drugs:
and personal and spiritual
emptiness (lack of
nourishing
and a clear life purpose).
Underneath those, I
believe, are significant psychological
unintentionally caused by too little emotional/spiritual
in early childhood.
Unlike our continually publicized "drug problem," the American "(re)divorce problem"
is rarely ack-nowledged in the media. This is in spite of roughly 15% to 20% of typical
U.S. families being stepfam-ilies, most of which follow one or more
divorces, and are significantly troubled.
The current American subculture of
millions of re/divorced adults and kids is largely
invisible and has no voice.
As a therapist, stepson, and stepfather, I've worked full time since 1979 to understand family and relationship
health in general, and stepfamily functioning and health in particular. During those
decades, I
have never seen or heard...
-
an informed opinion that America has a socially-significant
re/divorce
"problem," or...
-
a practical, research-based plan on
how
average communities can reduce or prevent widespread
psychological and legal divorce from depleting their citizens, resources, and
social harmony.
Americans appear to be in cultural
like a
nation of active addicts.
The content of these Web articles and worksheets is based on my
29 years of professional study of
families and stepfamilies. They reflect over 17,000 hours' direct professional
consultation with over 1,000 typical Anglo divorced-family and stepfamily
co-parents and some of their kids. My own life experience as a stepson, stepgrandson,
stepbrother, and stepfather contributes too. So does my "ACoA"
since
1986 from the
from a
very
("dysfunctional") childhood.
If
you may re/marry or you already have, I urge you to
protect
yourself and those you care about by studying these
and
If
you're moved to help reduce our tragic national re/divorce epidemic, study
this.
Would
you board a jet with your children if a sign by the entrance said "Note -
there is a significant chance this aircraft will crash"?
|
I believe this recent UCLA research report suggsts the real problem - the legacy and effects of
the invisible [wounds +
ignorance]
If you
care for one or more kids, you can make a mea-ningful difference
via education and action, starting with the
children and other parents in your life. |
For more perspective on divorce and divorce-recovery, see (a) this
article on the declining U.S. di-vorce rate, (b) these
Q&A items, (c) this overview of
(nurture your marriage), and (d) this slide
presentation. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
