Use "/" when it's a stepparent's first union or first divorce - "re/marriage"

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The Web address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/08/links-remarriage.htm

Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.         This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psycho-logical wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, break-ing the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.         These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified profession-al help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-mana-ging a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.          Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

Option: use this page as a reference-center to review courtship and re/marriage "basics." The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. Note the similar indexes for stepfamily basics, co-parenting basics, and ex-mates and kin. To get the most from these articles, first read these:

• The silent U.S. re/divorce epidemic

• This introduction to normal personality subselves and psychological wounds  - slides or text

• This introduction to the pervasive [wounds + ignorance] cycle - slides or text

• Important Q&A about stepfamily courtship and re/marriage;

• This slide presentation on making three wise courtship choices

• This article on U.S. marriage and parenting trends, and...

• These research findings on divorce and kids' well-being.

Many of the articles below are combined in two guidebooks in this series for co-parents and their supporters: Stepfamily Courtship (Projects 1-7) and The Remarriage Book (Project 8).

     

  Stepfamily Courtship Basics

        A basic premise here is that a major cause of stepfamily marital stress and psychological and legal re/divorce i s caused by wounded, unaware partners chose the wrong people to commit to (partner + ex mate/s + kids +  kin), for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        Implication: the best time to minimize or avoid (vs. solve) later re/marital problems is during courtship. Needy suitors who are governed by a protective false self are specially vulnerable to rationalizing such choices despite "common sense" and others' cautionary advice.

Option: before following any links below, study these important courtship questions (and answers) you partners should ask and discuss

  = tools  (like checklists and worksheets)   /     = concepts, options, and skills

Basics: seven keys to a flourishing re/marriage ~ can you name them?	5 reasons millions of U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail within 10 years (text);	Overview: 12 co-parent projects for mates who want to stay re/married and protect their kids
Why acknowledging your step- family identity is vital	What it (usually) means to be in a multi-home stepfamily	Clarify who belongs to your (pre-legal) stepfamily
Courtship checklist: is this best time to re/marry?	Courtship checklist: are these the right people (plural) to commit to?	Courtship checklist: am I considering re/marriage for  the right reasons?
Checklist: ingredients for a healthy relationship - do you two have enough?	Courtship checklist: 16 common danger signs	Scan how "pre-wired" male and female priorities affect your preferences and communications
Checklist: 30 common communication blocks; see any favorites?	Worksheet: your and your partner's current priorities - is your relationship # two?	Skill: Replace fighting, arguing, numbing, or fleeing with effective win-win problem-solving
Skill: learn how to master inevitable values and loyalty conflicts if you decide to co-commit	Skill: spot and thaw frozen grief in your three or more co-parents and your minor kids	Perspective and research on if and when to cohabit
Skill: How to spot and stop, or avoid, stressful relationship triangles	Worksheet: assess your relationship's current strengths and stressors	Worksheet - how personally balanced are each of you?
Tool: How to map (diagram) and improve your conflict-resolution process	Premises about identifying primary problems, and solving relationship conflicts	Worksheet - symptoms of an unfinished divorce

  Recommended readings

  Resolve Common Re/marital Problems

Foundations: read and discuss these first - and periodically!

• Q&A about relationships

• Premises about effective relationship problem-solving

• Help each other discern primary needs from surface needs

• Maintain a mutual respect attitude and a two-person "awareness bubble."

• Stay alert for values and loyalty conflicts, and relationship triangles

• Essential: clarity on personal and mutual human rights

• win-win problem-solving vs. denying, fighting, arguing, explaining, postponing, and withdrawing

Note - co-parent Project 8 (of 12) focuses on nurturing your marriage amidst many stressors.

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Updated  July 17, 2008