The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/08/love.htm
Surface “Love” Problems
Premise: often, relationship "problems" (unmet surface needs) are
symptoms of unrecognized primary needs. See if you’re reading this article to
fill
one or more of these needs:
I need to
feel more loved by my mate more often.
My partner
says or implies that s/he needs to feel more loved by me, and I
need to know what to do about that.
I’ve fallen
out of love with my mate, and need to decide what to do about that.
My partner
says s/he doesn’t love me as much or at all, or s/he says s/he does, but
her/his actions say otherwise. I need to clarify my feelings, needs, and options.
One of us desires and/or loves another
adult, and feels torn, guilty, ashamed, and scared. Variation: one of
us has had, or is having, a secret or visible romantic/sexual
I need
to know what to do.
Some other significant marital love
need.
If either of you
partners is experiencing one or more
of these now, the bad news is: you’re stressed! The good news is: you may
reduce your
in ways you’re not aware of. For example…
Common Primary Problems
Thoughtfully scan this
menu and see if any
items “resonate.” One or both of you…
1)
is ruled by
a
and is unaware of it, denies it, or doesn’t know what that
or what to
about it.
If so, one of you may have a
and
not know it. One of many symptoms of this is
that
you have a marital problem, and focusing on a child, an ex mate,
money, work, health, and/or something else. Another symptom of
false-self
is confusing love with pity, duty,
need, excitement, power, flirting, rescuing, and/or lust.
A symptom of false-self
rule is one or both of you doesn’t feel enough genuine
self love yet, and doesn’t (want to) know that, or what to do about it.
Restated: one or both of you is a
person in protective
. And/or either of you
partners may have…
2)
committed
to the
for the
at the
and needs to
avoid admitting and accepting that. And/or...
3)
you mates aren’t communicating
enough, and
you
don’t know how to improve that yet. You’re unable to help each other
your
separate, rank, and
then effectively as
teammates.
A
related stressor
may be that because your attempts to
are usually
frustrating
and unproductive, you’re avoiding each other (i.e. the risk of discomfort)
unconsciously or covertly. Restated: the
you two try to
problem-solve has become another problem. Reality check: see if any of
communication
dynamics are familiar.
And/or either of you may be...
4) blocked in
some
major
(broken bonds). This
can hinder healthy new bonding, and may dilute or
numb feeling or expressing your love. And/or one or both of you...
5) really
needs more
(specialness), acceptance, respect,
trust,
honesty, sensual/sexual satisfaction, intimacy, excitement/adventure,
and/or
companionship,
not more "love;"
and
or something else
has been blocking your satisfying these needs well enough.
And/or one or both of you may…
6)
prize
something consistently
than your relationship, and may or may not acknowledge that to
yourself or your mate. A major symptom of this is your not wanting to
make enough undistracted couple-time. A possible
symptom of this is one of you working a night shift and the other tolerating and
justifying (or preferring) that.
And if you're a
stepfamily, perhaps either or both of you…
7)
hasn’t resolved prior divorce-related
or other guilts, and your
ruling subselves put a child
your mate and marriage too often. The flip side of this is one of you (a
stepparent) is too needy,
and
and your subselves
are oversensitive to or distorting your partner’s
need to nurture his or her dependent children.
Notice what’s not included as a
proposed underlying “love” problem above: a child’s behavior or welfare, a
stepparent-stepchild relationship, another co-parent, a legal
suit, money, sex, or an intrusive, needy, or domineering relative. Those can be
major surface problems, but don’t cause re/marital love deficits!
So if you two have one or more of these
primary problems (unmet needs), what
can you do? By yourself and as a
couple, you have many…
Choices
Option:
print this two-page article. Then as you read, asterisk or hilight
any of these choices that you have a strong reaction to.
Options: No matter what
surface and primary “love problems” you have, invest time
and patient effort in co-parent
and
Progress on each of
these is essential for any other option here to be effective. Give special
attention to the possibility that one or both of you are a
or
Often, we GWCs pick each other
without knowing it.
If you may be, focus on (a) converting your
core shame ("low self esteem") to spontaneous
over time, and/or (b) building your inner
kids’ security.
is an effective way of doing this, with
skilled help. See the Project-1 guidebook “Who’s Really Running Your Life?”
(Xlibris.com, 2002 - 2nd ed.)
Option:
check your attitude: if
you don’t honestly feel mutually respectful with your partner (“Your needs,
opinions, dignity, and worth are just as important to me as mine now.”),
your true Self is probably
. If your mate’s actions suggest that s/he
feels
with you, a false self is probably at work. See this
for options.
Option:
if you have unfilled
love needs, identify them specifically.
Assume your initial answers are
surface needs. Because this is a complex, emotional topic, thoughtfully
read these articles on
clear
thinking
and
digging down.
If you avoid doing this and/or don’t
honestly feel “I am responsible for identifying and filling my primary needs,”
your Self is probably
Then help each other get clearer on what
your
are. Examples:
"You don't really love me" may stand
for "I don't feel lovable (worthy) internally, and I'm (unrealistically)
expecting you to (a) want to fix that, and (b) be able to do so."
"You say you love me, but your actions
don't match" can be a version of the above and/or "You're often ruled
by a false self, and your inner-family chaos blocks you from consistently
showing the love I know parts of you feel for me." Solution: do
together.
"You never want to spend time with me any
more (and I feel hurt, rejected, unloved, and insecure)" may point
toward unacknowledged problems with
anger,
and unrealistic relationship
and/or stepfamily
expectations. It may also indicate your romance plumage
and masks are coming off, and reality is (painfully) emerging for you both.
Option: (re)read these relationship premises
and basics.
Try reading them out loud and discussing them with your partner when you’re not distracted,
as fellow seekers. This will reground you both, unless a false
self is ruling one or both of you. Option: then read this article out loud
and discuss it together. Work to identify “If either of us feels too
unloved, what do you or I really need? Which of the real
problems above seem true now?”
Option: if you haven’t recently,
fill out the
self-assessment
worksheets.
Consider using an objective counselor’s input in evaluating your results, to
minimize subjective bias (reality distortions).
If one or both of you
have made a wrong
none of these options will correct
that.
on what you and any dependent
kids really need, survey
your options, and identify the next best thing to do. If you reject or
postpone this option, suspect that a false self is
running your life.
Option:
check for unrealistic
relationship or
stepfamily expectations
It may be
that love is fading or being crowded out by hurt, resentment, and
frustration because one or both of you needs something that is unattainable
in your present situation. Mull and discuss questions like these:
Can love be demanded? Can
respect? Trust and honesty? Intimacy? (“Yes” is unrealistic!)
Are love, respect, and
trust deserved and owed as re/marital musts (duties), or are they earned over
time?
Do you expect me to make you feel safe in this relationship? Do I expect that of you?
For us, what's the relation between (a) feeling partner-love and
(b) expressing it? Maybe one of us expects
the other to show their love in a way they're uncomfortable with or unable
to.
How can we recognize when our romantic
love has shifted into mature love? Is either of us expecting that romantic
love can come again, and may be making our partner responsible for making
that happen?
Are we each clear on how to (a)
recognize and (b) resolve stepfamily
(sur-face
symptom: "You value your child (or ex mate, or...) more than me.";
and
?
Do our individual needs for emotional
and physical closeness mesh or conflict (a
Which of
these relationship styles do you and I each prefer:
-
independent (both
comfortable with a lot of emotional distance),
-
interdependent (comfortable with
distance if necessary, but prefer flexible closeness), or...
-
(desperate for emotional closeness)?
Does being committed (e.g. married) mean
we each must want to change ourselves to fill our partner's
Are we creating
(expecting, requesting, or
things from each other that can only be given freely and
spontaneously - like love, trust, caring, interest, forgiveness, and respect). Note the difference
between "I want to feel you love me." and "I want you to want
to love me!"
What if our respective needs for
feeling and expressing love are significantly different? What if they change
with experience and aging?
More options....
Review each of
these
about mates to see if your love problem is really one or several common
relationship problems (unfilled primary needs).
If one or both of you feels too
disrespected, distrustful, unsafe, or angry, invest energy and time on
resolving those first. Then reappraise your “love” problem. Pay special
attention to "Loving a Wounded Partner."
Try a shared "fear safari."
Help each other discover half-buried excessive
(worries,
anxieties) that may be choking one or both of you from feeling, expressing,
and receiving Self and mutual love. Unrecovering
(GWCs) are often unaware of being fear-based, from life-long habit. Getting
free of that begins with awareness of it. Evolve a supportive
Fear Policy
in your _ relationship, _ home, and _ family ["Here’s how we want to deal
with fear in our lives"], and model and teach it to your kids.
Take a non-judgmental look at
your respective recent
as judged by your actions and
where you each invest your waking time and energy. If one or both of you is
consistently putting "too much" time into parenting, work, home maintenance,
health, or something else, and too little time together (as judged by either of you), what does that mean about your
respective needs for "love" and intimacy? Use and discuss this
worksheet to grow your awareness.
Note that the subselves that control your respective
determine your current real priorities.
Trying to force
or demand a basic priority change in one or both of you suggests
someone’s true Self (capital "S") is disabled. .
Read and discuss some of the many helpful
current books
about mutually-satisfying primary rela-tionships together. (Option - read out
loud to each other). Become very familiar with your version of
If you
"don't have time," it means you value some things more highly than your
relationship.
Note the
guidebook for Project 8:
The Remarriage Book
- master common stressors together." (Xlibris.com, 2002).
It integrates many articles and
resources in this Solutions series and non-profit divorce-prevention
Web site. Most of the content applies to any primary relationship.
Remind each other of the
difference between first-order (surface behavior) and second order (core
attitude)
Keep that difference in mind as you try out any of these
options. Second-order (lasting) changes require your true Selves to be steadily
your
There are many other possibilities and
options! Sense the themes of these choices, and brainstorm for
others that fit for you two. Close your eyes, take several good
belly-breaths, and reflect on (a) why you’re reading this, and (b) what you’re
thinking and feeling now. Has anything shifted since you began reading?
Recap
This
article offers perspectives and options
if one or both of you mates have unfilled needs for love for or from your
primary partner.
A key premise here is that
your “love” problems are probably
surface
symptoms of deeper unfilled needs. The implication is that to
solve your “love problems” you need to
them.
Another premise is that
spousal love is
proportional to self love. If one or both of you are a shame-based
(false-self controlled)
of a
childhood, then doing
can help grow self respect and love, and (perhaps) strengthen your marriage,
over time. It can also explore whether one or both of you
has difficulty forming genuine emotional-spiritual
and is
pretending intimacy and love.
A third premise is that
love
is a catch-all word describing a group of primal needs:
acceptance + respect + trust + companionship + spiritual communion +
validation + interest + mirroring (honest feedback) + caring + comfort +
play + sensual and sexual stimulation and satisfaction.
An
implication is that helping each other fill selected deficits
among these may help fill your need for “love.” The other "mates" articles in this
offer perspective, options, and resources to help you do this
together.
| A final core premise is that your current
“love” (and other relationship) problems may be painful evidence that
inheriting the toxic effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
caused one or both of you to
commit to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
If
so, none of these options can undo that. |
This article
summarizes typical surface and
primary
“love” problems, and closes with a summary of action options.
Key among them is
you mates committing to Projects 1 and 2 now as
teammates. They're vital preparation for
nurturing your
relationship and balancing many other things in your daily lives.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident
or
