The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/08/money.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This article is one of a series that focuses on resolving common
between mates. The article
suggests that most marital “money problems”
are surface symptoms of three underlying primary problems. It
offers practical resolution options for these, based on
27 years' clinical
experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern adults.
Get the most from this
article by first reading ...
Also note the related
articles about "money conflicts" between ex mates,
and among relatives.
I assume you're reading this because you or someone else you care about is
significantly stressed by marital conflicts about finances. I also assume
that you mates or the other people are having trouble resolving the
conflicts effectively. Before continuing, try saying a description of the
"financial problem" out loud.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Details vary widely, but the themes are common. See if you recognize any of
these issues (a) for any couple, and (b) for typical stepfamily couples:
In Any Marriage
Prenuptial contracts: one of you
wants to legally protect assets for your kids against the possibility of
losing them via divorce, and your partner resents that.
Access: one of you feels the other
won't allow enough access to financial assets and/or to financial records.
Ownership: partners fight over my
money or your money vs. our money. Variations are...
-
who
manages the family checkbook/s,
-
whose name is on legal asset-ownership
titles, and...
-
who's responsible for key debts.
Management
responsibility: One of
you wants to follow a budget, and the other doesn't. Variations are
fighting over who does the taxes, chooses insurance, and manages
invest-ments. “You should hire a stockbroker, instead of risking our
security by playing the market with our PC!”
Parenting disputes over minor and
grown kids' values about, and behaviors with, money.
Bill-paying and debt management,
including pre-marital debts: you have clashing values and/or tolerances
for specific or general debts, and different values about repayment
promptness, responsibility, and cooperation.
Incomes and earnings: one of you
resents that the other isn’t earning enough (or anything), and should ask
for a raise, change jobs, or get a job. A variation is one of you
feeling chronically inferior (ashamed) and/or guilty because you're
earning or contributing less than your mate. Men and
women are specially
vulnerable to this.
Another
surface problem is disagreeing on who’s earnings should be spent on what. "You
want a sauna, and I think we should build the kids' college fund."
Priorities: one of you is more
conservative about spending, debt limits, and/or saving. A
variation of this surface problem is partners disagreeing over how to
rank-order the problems above. Another variation is fighting over the
importance of confronting an ex mate or relatives over money issues.
.
Money Problems In Typical Stepfamily Marriages
Conflicts over money are among the most commonly stated (surface) reasons
for re/divorce. (The "/" notes it may be a stepparent's first divorce). In addition to the "money problems" above," typical
stepfamily couples can be stressed by versions of these:
Child
support: you argue over who
(including ex mates) should pay for what, for which child, and when. This
includes wrangles over insurance, education and vacation costs, and anger
at ex mates for using child-support money "wrong."
Wills and estate plans:
one of you resents that your partner's will seems to show favoritism
toward her or his biokids vs. your kids. You may also fight over
grandparents’ wills excluding or discounting
step-grandkids.
Prior divorce (financial)
settlements: one or both of you may have unresolved bitterness and/or
guilt about these and/or their effects on
your financial situation.
Legal expenses: one or both of you
are upset at yourself and/or each other over the cost of
legal battles between ex mates.
Indirectly related problems: your
marriage may be stressed because someone’s relatives are blaming,
disparaging, scorning, or intruding one of you about any of the above,
and/or influencing someone’s kids: “Your stepdad may be a nice guy, but
he’s a real cheapskate, Jackie.”
Individually and combined, these are common
sources of marital stress. Every one of them is a surface
problem. Until you mates agree on this, you’ll probably grow frustrated
and weary from endless discussions or fights that yield frustration,
distrust, disrespect, and avoidances rather than permanent
win-win solutions.
Before exploring your
real stressors and how you can resolve them, take a brief…
# Status check: T =
"true, F = false, and "?" = "I'm not sure," or "it depends on ___"
My mate and I have one or more
serious “money problems” now (T F ?)
If so, we have an effective
way of resolving them now; or if not, I know why. (T F ?)
My partner and I (a) are clear on our own and each other's
long-term
and (b) our priorities agree well enough now. (T F ?)
When I have a significant money-related
concern, I feel my partner
well enough, most of the time. (T F ?)
My mate and I (a) are very clear on
the difference between fighting or arguing and win-win
and (b) we
usually are able to do the latter when money (or other) conflicts occur.
(T F ?)
I solidly
respect
and
trust my mate’s financial values and
judgment now. (T F ?)
I feel safe enough in
discussing
money issues with my partner now, vs. fear of blow-ups,
screaming matches, icy silences, “old garbage,” or the like. (T F ?)
I believe my mate feels safe enough
in bringing up financial topics and concerns with me now. (T F ?)
I feel my mate respects and trusts
my values and judgment over finances and asset and debt management now. (T F ?)
My partner and I know how to spot and effectively resolve
and
conflicts and associated relationship
now. (T F ?)
We’re consistently able to (a)
separate financial conflicts from other disputes, and (b)
on them until we’re
both satisfied. (T F ?)
We can each (a) name and clearly
describe each of the
seven
in
now, and (b)
we use the skills effectively
enough of the time. (T F ?)
Now I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused,
resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert,
aware, serene, purposeful, and clear, so
my
is probably
directing my
(If not, your false
self may have skewed your answers above.)
Before continuing,
recall: what do you hope to get from reading this article - specifically?
We
just reviewed some common marital "money-related problems. Are any familiar?
Premise - none of these is the real problem, so if you
try to resolve them, they'll probably come back - or leave someone
significantly frustrated. To really resolve problems like these,
mates need to know how to spot and solve...
Three Primary Problems
A conflict, fight,
argument, or dispute means someone’s
aren’t getting
filled well enough. An
occurs when neither of you (i.e. your
governing subselves) is willing to flex or compromise in your values or demands.
I propose that your
version of any of the problems above results from some mix of these:
-
significant false-self
(a disabled true Self), and...
-
ignorance of
vital topics, and...
-
shared
and
unawareness - e.g. focusing on surface problems
1)
Psychological Wounds -
one or both of you have
a
childhood, and a well-meaning
controls you - in general, or when “money” conflicts arise. This
guarantees
communication, and
raises the odds you’ll have other
- starting with making up to three unwise courtship-commitment
.
2) Ignorance
(lack of information, not stupidity): you two don’t yet know enough about...
-
false-self wounding and wound-recovery
-
effective communication skills
and...
-
healthy grieving
basics, and
of incomplete mourning
and...
-
relationship
requisites and conflict-resolution
premises
-
how false-self wounds hinder effective
and mutual
and maybe...
-
stepfamily
basics and realistic expectations;
and...
-
how you can learn about these, as
mutually-respectful teammates.
Self-motivated
and discussion solves this over time, and
empowers you to reduce…
3)
Shared
unawareness: you and your mate aren’t aware of (a) false-self
(b) your lack of information,
(c) the
beneath your surface “money“ disputes, and
(d) the
you’re using to try
to fill your needs. That means you two can’t yet distinguish between:
(ambivalence and “self-doubts”) vs. mutual conflicts.
Often you’ll need to
resolve conflicts among your subselves before you can resolve
disputes with your mate.
you’re communicating (your process), vs. what
you’re communicating about (your money topics).
lose-lose fighting vs.
win-win
Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer relationship
And you probably can’t yet distinguish between…
communication-
and
other conflicts over
(priorities),
and tangible things.
And you may be unaware of...
Competent lay and professional
“money” advice vs. misleading or inaccurate
advice. One or both of you may be relying on advisors who aren’t aware of
these three core problems and - if relevant - stepfamily realities. If you mates seek financial, pastoral, legal and/or
clinical counseling for money-related (surface) problems, you probably won’t find
someone who can help you resolve these three primary problems.
Licensed tax, insurance,
real-estate, security trading, and estate-planning profession-als can
provide accurate information, options, and useful services, but are unable
to
offer you insight or suggestions on the above. If you’re using a
debt-management consultant, I’d be astonished if s/he said something like
“You’re excessive debt and inability to balance income and expenses is
a symptom of false-self dominance, ignorance, and unawareness. We can help
you with these after you stabilize your finances.”
A painful corollary
of these three underlying problems is that your “money” (and other
relationship) problems may signal that one or both of you re/wedded the
(partner
and relatives),
for the wrong
at the wrong
If true, the suggestions below can only
offer limited marital relief. If a false self rules you, those protective
subselves will deny or ignore this and what it means.
So:
I propose that to permanently resolve any surface re/marital “money”
problems like those above, you mates need to...
-
accept that
“money”
is not your problem;
-
want to
(a) change some core
attitudes,
and (b) learn about Projects 1 and 2 over time;
-
want to harmonize
your subselves under the guidance of your true Selves (Project 1), and...
-
want to help each other learn and apply the effective communication
skills in Project 2.
These are multi-year tasks!
Pause... breathe... and notice how you feel, and what you're thinking. Is this what you expected when you
began reading this article? If the above is true in your unique marriage
and family, what can you mates do?
Continue
with options to resolve these
primary problems...
+ + +
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites
/
Print page
/
Email this article's address
>>
