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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nur-turance
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways
to use its re-sources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
"Three grand essentials for happiness in this
life are some-
thing to do, something to love, and something to hope for.” - Joseph Addison
Despite initial
love and commitment, various
stressors eventually destroy the
committed relationship
of millions of
American couples who commit psychologically or legally. From
29 years' clinical research and experience, this article
offers perspective and options if...
you’re considering legal divorce (i.e. you
may already be psychologically divorced); or...
you're already separated and/or are
divorcing legally.
This complex topic
merits it’s own book, so
this article
focuses on
two vital questions:
“Have we
done everything possible to avoid legal divorce?”and…
“If so,
how
can we intentionally evolve a successful
divorce for all our sakes?”
these overviews of
Project 7 (make three wise courtship
decisions) and Project 8 (nurture your
primary relationship, and keep it second).
Perspective on Marriage and Divorce
In
every age and culture, men and women have chosen a partner to fill a mix
of primary
needs. In most cultures, the man has had the option of
divorcing his partner for various reasons. In Western cultures, women have
recently gained some independence socially and financially, including the right to divorce their husband. Other couples have chosen to remain
committed through tough times from neces-sity and/or moral conviction.
What is a "Primary
Relationship" (e.g. Marriage)?
Try saying your definition of "relationship" out loud. Compare it to this
premise: a relationship exists when the presence and behaviors of one
person "significantly affects" the thoughts, feelings, and wholis-tic health
of another person (in someone's opinion) - temporarily or over time.
Now try saying your definition of "marriage" or "primary relationship" out
loud. Then say your past or current partner's definition. How
would your childhood caregivers have defined these? What do you notice?
Divorce is meaningless
without understanding "marriage" or "committed primary
relationship." Let's say that modern
marriage is mutual semi-conscious
attraction and bonding between two mates who each seek to fill (satisfy) a
mosaic of special
needs. This occurs following voluntary "courtship," where a couple
discovers unique pleasure and satisfaction (need fulfillment) from being with each other.
This was often not true in older cultures that favored marriages arranged by
parents or clans.
The ancient institution of marriage
continues to evolve. Traditionally, marriage has been sanctioned by a
religious and social ceremony where each mate publically vows commitment to the other and per-haps to a Higher Power. A relatively recent variation
following the U.S. divorce epidemic is
re/marriage, where a new stepparent may include vows to nurture her or his
partner's existing children. The "/" notes that it may be the stepparent's
first union.
Eleven key variables that
affect the quality of
modern marriages are...
the degree of mutual
respect (low to high) and mutual bonding (pseudo to genuine, and weak to strong) between the mates;
the shared degrees of personal commitment to and
priority of the relationship (pseudo to genuine, and low to high); and...
the degree of each mate's dependence on the
other (low to high);
the compatibility of mates' basic values,
needs,
and interests (low to high);
the degrees of sensual and sexual desire,
sensitivity, empathy, and enjoyment (low to high);
and
the compound effects of all of these on...
each mate's courtship choices (needy and impulsive to aware, thoughtful, and wise).
These variables change as mates age and
their environment evolves. This guarantees that the quality and satisfaction
of every relationship is dynamic, over time. Think of your own primary relation-ship/s. Do these variables "fit"? Would you add any factor to
this list? How do you feel about not including "love" as a primary variable
here?
Marital bonding is an organic mix of affection, respect,
companionship, concern, and interest - usually including sexual desire. Many people call this mix love, which is a relatively new basis for
court-ship and marriage in the Western world.
Previous motivations for marriage were
political, economic, religious, and to socially legitimize sexual intercourse and child
conceptions.
Some
wounded
people are psychologically unable to bond and love, and become
expert at
deny-ing and disguising this (pseudo bonding).
Two such people can form a stable, shallow (independent)
relationship, while less-wounded partners may become
dissatisfied.
"Marital commitment" usually means that each mate consciously intends
to stay in the relation-ship regardless of serious dissatisfaction, stress,
or hardships. For some mates, commitment varies with age, familiarity, and
stress, despite their original vows. Often, commitment includes the intent
to choose
sexual fidelity despite periodic temptations.
The level and durability of marital
commitment depends on whether each partner's
true Self
or a dominant
false self
vowed not to quit. Divorce implies that at least one partner has lost
their original hope, bond, and commitment to their relationship. Do you
agree?
Every primary relationship can be placed somewhere between...
independent ("I don't
need much from you"), to...
interdependent ("I can
live well enough without you, and I want to live with you"),
to...
dependent
("I'm need a lot from you all the time.")
If you
have a mate now, where would you place your relationship in this range?
Where would s/he place it?
American couples with and without prior kids are increasingly choosing to
commit and cohabit without a formal church or civil ceremony. One
implication is that the traditional Christian belief that mar-riage includes a sacred,
binding pledge to God is waning in our society. Also, public and legal
recogni-tion of (or at least tolerance for) same-gender
marriages is growing, despite traditional moral and relig-ious disapproval.
For perspective, see this
recent study about the fragility of typical unmarried families.
This is a skeletal perspective on some aspects of contemporary Western
"marriage" and "primary committed relationships." Would
you add anything to it? Lets use this perspective
now to explore...
What Is "Divorce"?
Try saying your definition of divorce out loud, as though
explaining it to a typical highschool student. Compare your definition to this
proposal:
Divorce is a multi-year, three-phase personal, family, and social
process
of relationship disintegration and family restructuring - not an event.
This definition helps to understand and assess
"divorce recovery."
The full divorce process goes through three or four phases:
one or both partners make unwise
courtship-commitment
choices
because of
neediness, signific- ant false-self
wounds,
and
unawareness.
Then over time, one or both partners...
break their denials, admit growing personal
dissatisfactions, and try to adjust the relationship to "acceptable."
These efforts may include professional counseling and/or mediation. Next
comes...
voluntary or forced separation, with or without legal counsel and court
action. This phase ends in a legal divorce settlement
and decree, and can range from amicable to bitter and conflictual -
specially if kids are involved. Practicing Catholics also have to
negotiate an arduous "tribunal" examination to validate formal church
annulment of their marital pledges and status.
Most discussions of "divorce" focus mainly on the legal process and
judicial order ending the civil marriage contract and spousal
responsibilities. This is
misleading, because it's just a fraction of the
full divorce process
which can last well over 10 years.
This is why it's usually more
accurate to say "We are
divorcing"
(even after any settlement and decree) rather than "I am divorced."
This third divorce phase is usually followed by...
several to many years of personal and
family-system
"adjustment" in lifestyle, finances, daily routines, friendships,
alliances, and personal priorities, property ownership, and identity.
This complex adjustment requires all affected family members and friends
to simultaneously...
grieve a web of
tangible and
invisible losses (broken
bonds), and...
stabilize many interrelated
personal and lifestyle changes for
each mate, child, and psychologically-bonded relative and supporter.
This adjustment phase can start during
either of the prior two phases and usually continue well after
they're each "done." For more perspective, see this
slide presentation and this
"divorce-adjustment" worksheet.
For dependent kids, parental divorce means they're powerless to prevent their family and home from
reorganizing, causing a web of painful
changes and
losses
(broken bonds); their daily lives changing
in scary, unpredictable ways; and their emotional security dropping.
The multi-year divorce process causes minor and adult kids
an often-unrecognized set of concurrent family-adjustment needs on top of their
vital developmental needs.
For average
grandparents, an adult child's divorce is
a complex time of guilt, sadness, anger, shame, regret, love, confusion, and
pain. Redivorce usually amplifies these, moderated by grandparents'
old-age awareness, wisdom, and acceptances.
When Does a Divorce
Start and End?
Many people say "It begins when one mate
calls a lawyer." I propose that psychological divorce starts years
earlier, when one partner admits significant marital discomfort - i.e. anxiety,
hurt, anger, frustration, distrust, irritation, and disrespect. A purist may say that divorce really starts when a needy adult makes impulsive,
uninformed commitment
choices.
The
proposed divorce phases above suggests that the divorce processends only when the adult or child who is slowest at adjusting
to personal and family changes regains their personal balance,
finishes grieving, and
fully resumes stable focus on their present and future life.
Implication - because many psychologically-
wounded couples divorce
and their families are unable to grieve well, their divorce-adjustment phase
may not truly end until the adults
hit bottom and admit and start to
reduce ("recover from") their wounds. This delayed adjustment may manifest
as clinical or chronic
"depression," addictions,
promiscuity, obesity, significant
health and/or parenting problems, and impul-sive remarriage and/or
cohabiting.
If
you're considering ending your primary relationship, it can help to identify
your primary reasons. Consider these...
Four Roots of
Divorce
A superficial explanation of divorce is "Mates just can't get along well enough." That
really means
mates can't find an effective way to problem-solve and fill their
relationship needs well enough, often enough.
Premise - every
modern divorce is a symptom of four related primary problems:
one or both mates
are significantly
wounded
(psychologically) from childhood deprivations, and
they don't (want to ) know this or what it
means. Sometimes this means they haven't completed
grieving important
prior
losses (broken bonds).
And...
many needy, unaware courting couples to
commit to wounded, unaware
person/s, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time
- which usually can't be undone; and
overall...
our society (the public) allows
this dynamic to continue without meaningful regulation
- e.g. coup-les don't have to demonstrate to any informed
authority that they're (a) healing their wound and (b) committed to learning
effective communication, grieving, and parenting before cohabiting and con-ceiving
and/or raising kids.
This ensures that the inherited, toxic [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
silently
passes on to the next generation, and spreads and weakens our society.
If this four-factor premise is true, then
most divorce can be
prevented!This
nonprofit Web site offers practical perspective, options, and
resources to (a) break the unseen [wounds + ignorance]
cycle, (b) evolve
high-nurturance families, and (c) prevent psychological
and legal divorce.
Premises - All animal behavior occurs to reduce current and
anticipated needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts, like hunger, cold, fear, pain, frustration, shame, and confusion. Most
adults and all kids are used to responding to surface symptoms rather
than identifying and reducing the
primary needs
that cause their discomforts. For perspective on this universal dynamic, scan this
article.
Applied to typical divorces, this premise becomes:
most dissatisfied mates fruitlessly
focus on trying to "fix" surface symptoms like these, rather than
on identifying and avoiding or reducing the first two primary causes above:
This mis-focusing is compounded if typical mates
don't know
effective-communication basics and
skills, and (b) aren't motivated to learn
them. This seems to be our national norm..
Is Re/divorce Different Than First Divorce?
No
and yes.No, because it's
the same (a) emotional, legal, financial, psycho-spiritual process causing
(b) major losses and lifestyle changes;
which (c) upset and hurt adults, kids, and society, and (d) take years to
adjust to. The "/" in re/divorce notes that it may be one partner's first.
Yes re/divorce is
significantly different, because the second (or third)
time someone says “I quit"…
it's far harder to
dodge personal responsibility for this ending; and…
admitting the personal
identity of “I’m twice (or thrice) divorced” can invoke greater
shame, guilt, embarrassment, and self-doubt; and…
the intense guilt, grief, remorse, and shame typical
parents feel at subjecting their kids to another family trauma is often
beyond description; and…
divorce-initiators “know the
legal and social ropes,” and may feel less confusion, hesitation, and doubt than the first
time; and…
re/divorce occurs later in personal and family
life cycles, so
mates' assets, priorities, wisdom, and other things are
significantly different. For instance...
Typical re/divorcers are in early to late middle age
(35 - 55). Careers may have peaked or be in full bloom. Retirement and death
are often no longer remote concepts. Supportive bioparents may be retired, infirm, or
dead. Kids are older and more independent, and may have their own kids. Health
and related expenses have probably become a bigger personal concern.
Spirituality
may be deeper, and
personal
recovery
from
false-self
control may
have begun or progressed. Finances may or may not be "comfortable." Assets are
(usually) greater than first divorce, and dividing ownership may be more
conflictual.
Some women are more financially independent. Covering kids'
college education ex-penses and bequests to grandkids can become significant
conflicts. Rejoining the "dating scene" seems far more unappealing.
Typically, living "the golden years" alone is an awful prospect.
These combined differences justify using
re/divorce
to differentiate the process from a first legal breakup. It's estimated that about 90% of recent
U.S. re/marriages follow one or both mates' prior divorces, vs. spouse
death. Around 1900 the ratio was
just the reverse.
+++
I hope these ideas expand your awareness
and help you wisely evaluate whether to dis-integrate your family
relationships or not. Your decisions about if, why, when, and how to divorce
are among the most impactful in your and your descendents’ lives.
Pause and notice your thoughts and feelings. Recall why you
began reading this - are you getting what you need so far?
Continue
this 4-page article by reviewing xx alternatives to divorce...
The
Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/08/redivorce1.htm
Perspective on Marriage and Divorce
Why can't typical conflicted
couples problem-solve?