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|
"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others,
and Responsibility for all your actions."
- the Dalai Lama |
This article
is one of a series on improving primary
relationships. It offers...
Get the most from reading this
article by first studying...
What’s the Problem?
Premise - All
human relationships are shaped by the universal need to feel
worthy, valued, proud, important, and good –
i.e.
respectable. Try saying
your definition of "respect" out loud now, as though explaining it to an
average pre-teen. For our purposes, let's say that respect is a
spontaneous earned (vs. dutiful) attitude of approval and admiration
of some aspect/s of yourself or another person. It is a vital component of
love.
The opposite of respect is indifference, scorn, shame, revulsion, and/or
disgust. Paradoxically, we can dislike a person and still respect
(some qualities about) them - or like and disrespect them at the same time.
Have you ever felt that?
Self
respect begins in early childhood if caregiver nurturance is high
enough. The more common alternative in America is
a crippling
childhood
belief that “I am not worthy, good or lovable.” Without
and skilled help,
childhood shame migrates intact into adulthood. Shame ranges from local
(“I’m a bad parent”) to global (“I’m a worthless person.”), and
normal to excessive.
Most kids in
childhoods
develop a powerful
personality
To adapt, we also develop several fierce
who protect
and comfort our intense Shamed Child. Typical Guardians are the
(reality distorter),
Saint, Bully, Star,
Pretender,
and others.
These normal personality parts can also guard
a
and
If the Shamed Child
and related Guardians often control the person’s
(capital "S"), the child or adult may be called
My clinical experience
since 1981 suggests that many (most?)
average adults are shame-based (wounded) people who don’t (want to) know it.
Until they choose to grow self-respect, non-egotistical
and
they usually raise shame-based kids as their wounded
ancestors did. Does that seem likely to you?
Once aware of low self respect, you and/or your
mate can intentionally improve it over time. Doing so is learning to
value and act from your
which is part of
When courtship fantasies and tolerances inevitably fade,
relationship realities often cause mates to lose respect for themselves and/or
each other as (a) a person, (b) a mate, and/or (c) a co-parent. Lost respect
in these roles cripples effective communication, raises household anxieties
and resentments, and promotes most
How do you feel about these premises? Could they apply to
you mates?
|
This three-page article proposes practical options
if you and/or your mate (a) are significantly shame-based, and/or (b) don’t feel
respected enough by your partner. Respect problems with an
ex mate or
stepchild are explored in other
Solutions articles. |
# Status check:
To see if this
article pertains to you, thoughtfully rank each of these items from 1 (“very
low”) to 10 (“very high”). Notice your thoughts and feelings
as
you do this. “You” is your partner, and “co-parent” means a part-time or
full-time bioparent or stepparent.
My recent respect for myself as
a person: ___
My recent respect for you as a
person: ___
My recent respect for myself as
a spouse: ___
My recent respect for you as a
spouse: ___
My recent respect for myself as
a co-parent: ___
My recent respect for you as a
co-parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
respect for myself has grown (True False ?)
In the last
six months, my
respect for you has grown (True False ?)
Estimate how your mate would
answer each of the above.
I feel some mix of
calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so my
is probably
my
now. (True False ?)
Pause and reflect
- what are you aware of now? Do you see
anything above that you want to change?
Perspective
Recall - respect for a
person is a genuine attitude of significant approval, admiration, and
appreciation. Respect can vary from...
global ("I respect
everything about Tanya") to...
situational ("Manuel did an outstanding job
handling the crisis."), to respecting one or more...
traits, abilities, or
roles ("Pat is such a gifted musician.")
Think of a past or present adult or child you respect
highly. Now think of another person you don't respect much or at all.
What's different about (a) these two people and (b) your relationship with each of
them?
Over time, we grow criteria for awarding respect,
first
based on standards we learn from our early caregivers and hero/ines. We (our
ruling personality subselves) ceaselessly measure ourselves and other people against these
criteria. Is that your experience? Do you know your criteria?
Mine are
courage, strength, resilience, determination, responsibility, realistic
optimism, reliability, integrity, open-mindedness, dignity, empathy, pride,
awareness, compassion, spirituality, humor, creativity, resourcefulness,
forgiveness, honesty, humility, wisdom, simplicity, and living on
purpose. My shame-based father would have substituted hard worker,
superior, disciplined, persistent, competitive, and stoic for
several of these.
After ~40 years' study, I conclude that people communicate
with themselves and others to fill a dynamic mix of
Perhaps the most
powerful is the quenchless need to feel respected enough now and over
time by (a) yourself and (b) important others. Our subselves constantly
judge a partner’s esteem for us by decoding
from
his or her behavior. Communications may (vs. will) be
only when
each partner gets a credible mutual-respect R-message from the
other. Do you agree?
Recall the last time you felt disrespected
and shamed: scorned, distrusted, discounted, rejected, ignored,
humiliated, belittled, invaded, abused, accused, blamed, criticized,
interrupted, dismissed... Remember how that felt? How old were
you when you first experienced these from another person? If you have kids,
when did they first experience these?
| Premise:
If you and
your partner
don't feel respected enough by
yourselves and each other, (a) your relationship will decay and (b) the
of your home will drop, which (c) will promote shame-based
(wounded) children. Do you agree, or believe something else? |
To intentionally convert shame
and scorn to true
self-respect and love, it helps to understand…
The Roots of Low Self Esteem
The
foundations of core shame or self-respect are laid in a
child's first four to six years, starting before language develops.
Whether shame or healthy pride develops is directly proportional to who leads
the caregivers’ inner team of subselves. Co-parents usually led by their
usually rear kids who think well of themselves and other people. Excessive
(vs. normal) shame has wryly been called “the gift that goes on giving.”
Behavioral
symptoms
of a shame-based inner family
are unmistakable:
e.g. avoiding appropriate eye contact; compulsive
defensiveness; excessive fear of failure; chronic
neglecting personal
hygiene, safety, and health (self-
including
self-mutilation; living below potentials; and over-apologizing. See
this for other symptoms.
Anyone come to mind as you read these symptoms?
Inner Critic
and Shamed Child/ren
The personality of shame-based adults and
kids is significantly shaped by a tireless
(also called the Shamer) and one or more Shamed Child/ren.
When ever the Critic activates, this intense young subself
the person with
agonizing semi-conscious thoughts, feelings, and images which imply "I am
a worthless, unlovable, flawed, bad person / male
/ female."
For (illogical) reasons, your Inner Critic feels s/he
must acidly emphasize your endless shameful failings, mistakes,
stupidities, blunders, and ineptnesses "for your own good!" S/He does
this through relentless thoughts and images. Meditation often discloses
that your Critic's "voice" (thought streams) sounds like
an early caregiver... Can you here "the voice"?
If a subself or other person dares to challenge
our obvious worthlessness and unlovability ("You're such a neat person!"), the Critic
relentlessly refreshes the old “truth” ("Nah - remember when you totally screwed up
by...”).
Other Subselves
A typical Inner Critic has several powerful
teammates. Your tireless
subself
insists...
"Perfect behavior is the lowest acceptable standard.
It deserves no praise whatsoever. Anything less, I'm gonna go get the Critic.
And s/he has a l-o-o-n-g memory..."
Your
and/or
constantly
guards your
against re-experi-encing the
agony of dashed hopes by ceaselessly insisting "You
won't (or can’t) succeed / get loved / please others / get healthier / stay
safe..."
And perhaps you have a
whose life mission is to generate shrill uncertainties and second guesses
about every decision and action you make. The well-intentioned goal is to
guard you against all possible failures, according to
Inner Critic, Perfectionist, God, and various humans. Your Critic,
Perfec-tionist, Cynic, and Doubter are probably supported by
an outspoken
or
His or her job is to constantly and
forcefully provide rigid, right-wrong pronouncements to guide other
subselves (and most other people) on how they should and
must behave.
Finally, you may be blessed and cursed with an energetic
Her or his mission is to protect your Abandoned Child and/or
Lonely Child (subselves) from agonizing rejection (shaming) by having
you constantly focus on filling other people's needs to earn their
fragile approval. Pleaser's anxious mantra is something like "You
can take care of your needs later. They're not as important to us as
__________'s are!" This often promotes the toxic conditions of
and
Before significant
from childhood
these well-meaning Guardian subselves (a
distrust the competence of your
subselves.
Their thoughts, images, and feelings "take you over," specially in new,
public, or risky situations. The inevitable result is ongoing inner-family
anxiety and conflict, and frequent feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, and
vague or sharp "worry." Does any of this sound familiar?
Women and men who were blessed with
childhood
caregivers can be called Grown Nurtured Children
(GNCs).
They have Inner Critics and the other Guardian subselves too.
However, they're more reasonable and moderate, and are balanced by other
subselves who are sincerely affirming, loving, and encouraging.
GNC’s subselves usually trust their true Self to hear and respect
their needs and opinions, and then to act safely and effectively in every
situation. A GNC's Shamed Child is present, but s/he
usually feels noticed, accepted, and loved enough by other subselves
and people. Other inner kids are usually more active and impactful.
Because self-scorn and neglect are socially labeled
"negative," we can feel ashamed of our shame. Other Guardian subselves like
the (your) Denier, Intellectualizer, Repressor, Numb-er,
Deflector, and
work hard to camouflage these traits
from inner and outer detection and shaming criticism via
This often promotes daily guilts and anxieties, which feel normal.
Bottom Line:
the roots of low self esteem begin in early childhood if
caregivers can't provide healthy nurturance. Various personality subselves
learn early to be rigidly perfectionistic, self-critical, self-shaming, and
self-neglectful, and to discount achievements and successes. When this
dynamic becomes excessive, such a wounded adult can be called "shame-based."
My
experience with over 1,000 typical adult therapy clients since 1981 is that
we shame-based (wounded) people inevitably
choose others like us for partners. That suggests that despite outward appearances,
many
and re/married couples share low self
esteem (shame) as persons, or in some key roles like wo/man, parent,
grown child, friend, wage-earner, and/or neighbor.
A key implication: if one partner (like you) starts
to significantly improve their self respect, her or his shame-based mate may
feel increasingly uneasy and try to discourage or hinder the healing...
Notice your
thoughts and emotions now. Anything like "This sure doesn't apply to me!"; or “Oh NO -
it does! I'm (probably or surely) ruled by shame-based subselves!
What can I do?" Or maybe you're thinking of one or more others in your
life, like your past or present mate, a parent, or sibling, who seem dominated
by shame-promoting false selves.
A word about
words here:
respect is an
attitude caused by semi-consciously evaluating a set of criteria. It can be
consciously discussed and changed, once you’re motivated to do so. Respect and
esteem mean the same thing.
Love is a rich mix of attitudes
and emotions that is not subject to logical discussion and intentional
change. Shame and
are core self-judgments [“I am worthy
(or worthless) and (un)lovable”] and related emotions.
Humility is wanting to
appreciate the talents and accomplishments of other people as much as your
own.
is an
Inner-Critic judgment [“I do bad things – break (someone’s) rules.”] and
related feelings, which mimic shame. You can intentionally assess and reduce
guilt in yourself, but not your partner.
Status check: See how you
feel about each of these ideas so far. “A” = agree, “D” = disagree, and “?” = ”I’m
not sure, or don’t care.”
Respect, pride, and forgiveness are some of the components
of love. Intentionally improving these components may or may
not grow love. (A D ?)
I and my mate can intentionally assess, discuss,
and change self and mutual respect.
(A D ?)
We each can choose to replace shame with
non-egotistical pride in our own values, abili-ties, and actions, over time.
(A D ?)
I am responsible for my
self-respect, attitudes, and actions; but not for my partner’s self-respect,
self-love, guilt, and shame or pride; and vice versa. (A D ?)
We each can choose to reduce and avoid
guilt (A D ?)
We can earn, but not consciously create
or force,
self-love and/or love of or from each other. (A D ?)
Acceptance of each other is not being nonjudgmental,
it’s being truly at peace with the judgments we make of ourselves and each
other. (A D ?)
This article focuses on improving respect in your
primary relationship. Note that you can grow respect
for (a) a person, (b) a role (“I respect myself as a co-parent”), (c)
selected traits (“I respect your courage.”) or (d) behaviors (“I
respect your ability to speak confidently in public.”) Being clear on these
distinctions can help you form meaningful goals for marital change.
If disrespect for yourself or your mate is eroding your
relationship, you can certainly improve your self-respect (next
page). You may or
may not be able to regain respect for or from your partner (page 3). I propose that you can
encourage but not control your mate’s self respect.
Stretch, breathe, and decide if you need a break before
continuing. When
you're ready, let’s review your options for (a) raising your self respect, and
(b) rebalancing respect between you mates.
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