Options for (re)building respect for your partner
- continued
from page 1
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Option 11) List
specific traits
you genuinely like and appreciate about your partner, (e.g. honesty, humor,
persistence, creativity...). Then identify other traits that reduce your
respect for him or her, like indeci-siveness, inconsistency, lying, avoiding,
timidity, name-calling, etc.
Note that this is about their perceived behaviors
and choices and how those affect you; not about whether your partner is a good or bad
person! As you do this, stay clear on what a
is.
It’s more likely that you’ll
gain serenity if you agree to disagree, vs.
trying to persuading your partner to want to adopt your values.
12) If you're recovering from
your own wounds and s/he
doesn’t know that, tell your mate informa-tionally, vs. persuasively.
Two
recovering partners can often forge exceptionally deep, fulfilling
relation-ships as they heal! Whether you do this or not, consider using well-crafted
to
assert...
the specific behaviors that diminish your respect for your
partner,
how each of them effects you directly and indirectly (e.g.
via kids, ex mates, or others); and…
what specific changes you need her or him to
want to
make, to re/build your respect.
And
avoid...
-
labels ("I
disrespect you because you're inconsiderate and insensitive!"),
-
generalizing ("You
only think of yourself!");
-
name-calling ("...Jerk!");
and...
- using (a) always and never,
(b) hand-grenade (emotionally-explosive) words, and (c) personal attacks ("You're just a sniveling
coward.")
You're
offering information and an invitation to improve your mutual
relationship satisfaction. If your partner mistakes that for an attack, that's a sign of
a
false self and
These are not
your responsibility!
Before asserting,
-
ensure your
Self is
your other subselves, and...
-
try to guess your mate's response to each of your assertions.
Role-play (practice) how you'll handle any
"resistances:"
-
use
mutually-respectful (=/=)
("So you feel I'm being
oversensitive and unfair."); then...
-
stay focused, and...
-
re-assert your
respect-building needs, without defense, explanation, or counterattack.
If you’re anxious or unsure here, ask a trusted objective
person's help in evaluating your respect needs, and preparing to
assert them to your partner.
Pick an undistracted time and
place, and assert your perceptions and needs. Allot plenty of time for
interaction. Because communication is cause-and-effect,
ask if there's something you do that promotes the
behaviors that cause your disrespect. Then listen, and be open to =/=
win-win
Option: as co-explorers,
your shared interactions that lead up to
such a behavior.
Example: "Sometimes I shade the truth with you because if
I tell my truth, you usually wind up putting me down." Another: "I
agree with some demands you make just to get you off my back. Then you get all
steamed when I 'don't follow through, and you tell me you lose respect for me.
I'd follow through better if we could find a way to
problem-solve instead of
you nagging and harping so much. I don't like conflict!”
13) If you're in a stepfamily, review your expectations.
You have over 60 common myths to pick from, some of which may be wrongfully
corroding your respect for your mate. For example, it’s unrealistic to expect
a stepparent to “be an adult” and ignore the pain of being disrespected or
used by a stepchild, and/or repeatedly feeling
in
their mate’s priorities. See and discuss these stepfamily
norms,
this bio-step
structural comparison, and
these unique
stepfamily adjustment tasks.
Option
14) Review
several
disrespect-breeders common to many stepfamilies: "I
am losing respect for you because...
"...your child ignores you, talks back to you, and sneers
at you, and you do nothing about it!" And...
"...you allow your ex mate to walk all over you (that
is, us) when it comes to (some conflict over support payments,
visitations, or other child-related issue)."
Theme: the partner loses respect
because their mate doesn't seem to respect themselves.
Note the relationship-nurturing
power of simple, direct statements like "I really respect you because...";
and "My respect for you grows when you..." You can use those with
yourself, too! So if you’re losing respect for your mate as a person, mate,
and/or co-parent, you may...
get clear on why, and discuss and problem-solve
this respectfully; or you may...
ignore, repress, defer, hint, stew and fume, endure,
whine, blame, bellow, fantasize, etc...
Your choice will depend on which subselves
usually lead your
personality.
We’ve explored
(a) perspective about respect, (b) confronting
your mate if s/he has little self respect, and/or if (c) you’ve
lost respect for him or her. What if your partner’s respect for you has
dwindled?
Rebuilding Your Mate's Respect for You
# Status check: Mull and answer
these honestly:
"I know my mate respects
me enough as (a) a person, (b) a
partner, and (c) a co-parent because s/he..." Option: think back to your
courtship, and answer the same three questions. Has anything changed?
What did you learn? If you feel disrespected
too much,
too often by your partner, what can you do? Consider these choices...
Recall that respect must be
earned. It can’t be requested, demanded,
or expected just because you’re spouses. Do you agree?
Identify the real source of your discomfort. Use
and
skills (Project 2) to
discern if you need more love,
trust, dependence, time, empathy,
intimacy, honesty, and/or
respect from your partner. Depending on what you find, see the other
to improve these individually. If you need more
respect, consider choices like these:
Ask
your partner directly
whether s/he respects (vs. loves or trusts) you as (a) a person, (b) a mate, and
(c)
a co-parent - and then listen. Decide who’s conversing: your two
Selves (capital "S"),
or other subselves.
If your Selves are
ask what changes would increase
your mate’s respect for you. Depend-ing on the answer, decide whether such
changes are possible and consistent with your integrity. Use your Project-2
as teammates to explore your needs and best options.
If s/he disrespects you as a mate and/or a co-parent,
be
alert for unrealistic expectations as the real problem. If your beloved
(a)
committed to you for the
(needs), and/or s/he
(b) expects you to take responsibility for her needs, disrespect is
not the real
(or only) problem. Option - consider these ageless
in negotiating your needs together...
Honestly
assess your self respect. Not valuing yourself enough may invite your
mate's disrespect. One symptom is your tolerating shaming, discounts, and
put-downs from her or him too often. Another is frequently being unclear on,
and/or not confidently asserting, your primary needs. If you’re dominated by a
false self,
you’re responsible for empowering your Self,
growing your self esteem, and respectfully asserting what you need, think, and
believe.
Next,
empathically assess your
mate's level of self respect. If s/he’s a shame-based person in
protective denial, his or her false self may need to disdain or shame you to
feel better. If so, the implacable truth is that to stop treating you
disrespectfully, your partner will have to
hit bottom, break her or his denials, and want to recover. You're not responsible for that, and can encourage but not
control it. See the options in this article.
Until s/he
wants to change (for her own benefit),
your challenge becomes earning and
keeping your own self-respect by learning how to…
keep your Self (capital "S")
of your personality (other subselves);
affirm your
rights as a unique, dignified, worthy person;
confront your mate’s
disrespectful behaviors
honestly, and promptly;
assert clear
boundaries and consequences; and…
consistently enforce (act on) them without excessive
guilt, shame or anxiety. This is
choosing not to
harmful attitudes and
behaviors in your partner by avoiding confron-tations and uncomfortable
consequences.
A
final option is to ask your partner’s (or a therapist’s) help in assessing
whether
(e.g. of abandonment
or a child’s discomfort) and/or unresolved (divorce-related)
may be indirectly promoting disrespect in either of you. Using
skill, and
can help here –
if your Selves
are consistently guiding each of you.
Again, use these options as guidelines, not absolutes.
You have many choices!
# Status Check See where you
stand on the ideas in this article now: T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm not
sure / I don't care).
I
have
honestly for false-self dominance, and
I am
steadily working at any
I need. (T F ?)
I believe my self
respect is currently high enough, as (a) a person, (b) a mate, and (c) a co-parent;
or I’m proactively working to raise my self respect now. (T F ?)
I
have honestly assessed my
partner for significant false-self dominance and
(T F ?)
I
perceive my partner’s
self respect is high enough, often enough; or I can (a) describe how his
or her self disrespect affects me and other family members, and (b) I can
clearly name my options for reacting to her or his low self respect and these
effects now. (T F ?)
I
respect my mate
as
(a) a
person, (b) a partner, and (c) a co-parent enough now; or I can name
(d) how
disrespect for her or him is affecting me and other family members now, and
(e)
my options for reacting to these effects. (T F ?)
I
(a) feel respected enough by my
mate in those three areas now, or I can clearly name (a) the affects of
my mate’s disrespect on me and our stepfamily relationships, and (b) my options
for changing my partner’s disrespect. (T F ?)
If I’m having trouble (a)
identifying my needs with any of these, and/or with (b) asserting them to
my mate, (c) I know why, and (d) what to do about that now. (T F ?)
I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my true Self is probably answering these
questions now. (T F ?)
Recap
This article offers perspective and options for improving marital respect in
up to four ways: either of you partners respecting (a) yourself more, and/or
(b) your mate more. All four are needed for effective family
which mates must be fluent in to grow
stable, mutually-satisfying relationships. You each can ignore or discount these four
opportunities or choose to give them regular
as teammates.
In my clinical experience,
the most common cause of respect
"problems" between mates is lack of self respect in one or both. This
usually indicates a shame-based
is controlling one or
both partners, which promotes feeling unlovable, undeserving, guilty, insecure,
distrustful, critical, and confused. Working together on
family
can
significantly improve this over time.
The second most powerful thing you can do to increase self
and mutual respect over time is to help each other learn and use the seven
communication skills in
These seven skills work just as well between
your Self and your team of subselves. This article offers
more perspective and options.
A third source of
respect problems between
troubled mates (and ex mates) is unawareness of
unrealistic
role and relationship expectations of yourselves
and/or each other.
Raising and keeping self and mutual respect is a
vital long-term effort. It affects all other marital components like trust, intimacy, boundaries, teamwork (balancing power), and
negotiating priorities.
For other ideas on self and mutual respect, see
these articles by Annie Gottlieb and
Nathaniel Branden, and these books:
Nathaniel Branden’s
“The Six Pillars of Self Esteem;” John Bradshaw’s
“Healing The Shame That Binds You;” and Hal and Sidra Stone’s “Embracing
Your Inner Critic.” There are many others.
This article is a skeletal outline of options
within a larger subject: filling your needs for
and
mutual love.
A factor we haven’t explored here is whether each of you
respects a
and feels worthy of respect and love
from that Being. Your subselves’
beliefs about sin, atonement, amends,
confession,
and
forgiveness can powerfully affect self and mutual respect. Is this
impacting your primary relationship?
Take a moment to breathe well, and notice your
now. What’s going on
among your busy
Recall why you read
this article. Did you get what you needed?
Note the
guidebook for Project 8:
The Remarriage Book
- master common stress-ors together." It integrates many articles and
resources in this mates' series and non-profit Web site.
Much of the content applies to
improving any primary relationship.
+ + +
