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of
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Plan a Successful
Co-parent Wedding - p.3 of 4
Ways to
Optimize Your
Planning Process
by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
|
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 The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/wedding1.htm
 Celebration-planning
Questions (continued)
The planning questions that most first-time marriers don't face are...
Q1 - Shall we seek
a
clergyperson to coach us and officiate who is knowledgeable about
stepfamilies?
Q2 - Do we want our
vows to focus only on each other, or also on some or all of the
adults and kids who'll be profoundly affected by our re/marriage
for many years? Q3 -
Shall we acknowledge we're
in our wedding invitation
and other verbal and public notices?
A set of complex celebration-planning questions to negotiate is...
| Q4 -
Do either of us need to include
existing
kids in our ceremony and/or other gatherings? Does each child want
to participate? What if some of us disagree on this? |
Confronting these questions honestly requires each of you partners to
assess the core personal and social goals of your wedding celebration, and
your true
This is your
celebration, and - your re/marriage will significantly affect the
lives of each child, other co-parent, and co-grandparent. This is a rite of
passage for all of you.
Some children
may need to avoid participating physically or
emotionally. Other kids - specially
teens - may seem indifferent or
ambivalent. Reactions like these may signal major
pain or confusion,
and/or
Kids may decline
directly, hint their avoidance, or
enthusiasm or agreement they don't
really feel. They also may be delighted and excited!
If you're a divorced parent, consider that your re/wedding may destroy a
child's semi-conscious or vivid fantasy that "somehow" you parents will
reunite, and your biofamily will rise from the divorce ashes
magically renewed and healed. Many adult kids (i.e.
of their personalities) - still long for this.
Your kids can have powerful reactions when they learn of
your decision to re/wed. Minor and adult kids who are early or stuck in their multi-year grieving of a dead parent can be outraged, sullen, resentful,
sad, "indifferent," or several of these. Other kids will feel normal or exaggerated
relief that their lonely or floundering parent has a loving new partner.
Your
best option is usually to give each
child months of forewarning about your possible or
actual re/marriage. Reluctance to do that suggests a
false self is controlling one or both
of you sweethearts - red light!.
If
either of you partners demand, bribe, or manipulate your kids to participate in
your nuptial celebration (implied
"My needs are more important
to me than yours"), you'll probably
reap painful rewards long after the rice is swept up.
If a child "resists"
participating, put your needs aside temporarily, and
empathically to them. Then
your feelings and needs if they can hear
you. When
you and they each feel clear and heard enough, brainstorm win-win ways they can
help celebrate your commitments and new stepfamily dreams.
Adult kids offer unique re/wedding options and
dilemmas. For example, I was 25 when my normally-detached father remarried. To my
amazement, he asked me to be his best man in a private ceremony. That illustrated (painfully) to me how little we knew each other.
If
either of you
feels
about including your minor or grown
kids in your ceremony, you...
-
may be protectively
your new stepfamily
-
have important
to resolve between you and your kids or other relatives; and/or...
-
you're giving a lot of power to someone else in
designing your nuptial celebration.
Each of these strongly implies that one or both of you is
ruled by a
devoted
to guarding you against significant discomforts - a re/marital
red light! Have you each (a) put major
effort into
and (b) answered the
in
honestly? If
not, you risk wounding your kids and future psychological or legal re/divorce,
after years of
and suffering.
If your kids are to be part of a private or public ceremony, check the helpful ideas
and items at http://www.familymedallion.com.
Another set of re/wedding-plan questions that first-marriers
don't face is...
|
Q5 -
Do you
and/or I need to invite the kids' other bioparent/s to our ceremony?
To our reception?
Where should s/he
(and any new partner) sit? What if
s/he declines? What if s/he accepts? Should s/he
(or they) be acknowledged in the ceremony? Participate in it? Either way,
what do each of our kids and relatives need about these questions, and what will they feel? Who's needs come first
with us, here? |
Notice your thoughts and feelings right now. I urge you to discuss and
answer one question at a time, using a long-range view, your stepfamily
your
Bill of personal
Rights, and these wise
If
either of you have significant
with your kids'
other co-parent/s, then debating if and how to include them your nuptials
can foster major loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles among you all.
Option:
use these
sample pros and cons to help you planners move toward
balanced compromises and decisions...
We
Should Invite Your
and/or My (Co-parenting) Ex Mate Because...
It says
clearly that we respect her
or him (and any new
partners) as dignified adults who will affect our family life for many
years;
It affirms their
in our
stepfamily as worthy co-parenting partners;
It may lower
the odds one or more kids will be stressed by major
and relationship
It will signal
the kids' relatives that we respect the
other co-parent/s
as worthy contributors to our new
despite past and present conflicts;
It may help us resolve existing
relationship
that hinder the
and caregiving
we all need;
We'll probably
have very few chances to all gather together.
Inviting the
kids' other co-parents can help us build the stepfamily unity, bonding, pride, and
harmony that we want for all of us; and...
Inviting my / your
ex mate may positively affect how their and our other
relatives feel about supporting and celebrating with us; and...
It signifies publicly, in the ex mate/s' presence, that we
affirm and honor her / his / their relationships with their
children, and that we wish to support and nurture those relationships
despite past or current disagreements;
(add your own pro's...)
We
Should Not Invite Your
and/or My (Co-parenting) Ex Mate/s Because...
His / her / their
presence will probably cause significant stresses
that will diminish the success of our celebration
too much;
His / her / their presence
will be too upsetting to one or more kids;
Inviting him / her / them may send the
message that we condone some attitudes, values, or actions that we really
don't accept or condone;
Some other adults or
child(ren) feel too angry or hurt to treat the ex mate/s civilly, which would
increase existing barriers and mar our ceremony;
S/He and/or their new partner
don't belong to our new stepfamily. If
one or both of you partners believes this, read
If we invite
my/your ex mate, one or more relatives would be
outraged / critical / alarmed / not attend...;
Their other
bioparent's presence at our celebration would be too painful or confusing
for your / my child(ren), or it will raise or prolong their hope of a
biofamily reunion
that will never happen;
I don't want your / my ex-mate's
new partner / stepkids / steprelatives to participate. Do you know why?;
Inviting my/your ex mate
is too painful a reminder of past hurt, loss, and conflict (a probable symptom of incomplete grief);
S/He'll take our invitation to mean that
s/he's forgiven, when (I am) (you / we are) not ready to
do that yet;
(other cons)
The point: thoroughly explore the long
term pros and cons of inviting your kids' other co-parents to
part or all of your nuptial celebration.
and balance your respective
with those of each of your kids and their other co-parents. Note your
priorities in action, and help each other spot and resolve divisive
and
and
Because including your ex mate/s in your nuptials is probably an
emotionally-complex decision, help each other avoid acting on impulse
(i.e. from your false self), and doing black/white thinking - i.e.
seeing only two alternatives. You partners probably have many options here, like inviting your ex/es to your reception, but not your ceremony, or
vice versa.
A last set of planning questions unique to stepfamily weddings
is...
|
Q6 -
Which of my kids' relatives (e.g. your ex-mate's biofamily)
should we invite to the ceremony? To the reception? Which of your
children's relatives? What if they
don't come? What if they do come? Who's needs rank highest in
answering these questions? Are our
true
these questions? |
Your
kids' existence means you probably need to decide which relatives from your
multi-generational biofamilies you want to invite
to your commitment celebration.
Which relatives to invite is shaped by your two sets of
shoulds, oughts, and
musts (rules) about proper behavior, family responsibilities, and
wedding etiquette. Note that your and your ancestors' social rules were probably designed to
fit first-wedding norms and traditions, not stepfamily re/weddings.
Which relatives each of you partners want to attend your showers, dinners,
ceremony, and reception may be a different mix of people. Though
your respective customs, traditions, and values may be very different,
consider these
guidelines to help you decide these complex
planning questions: "Will inviting this
relative...
The
more confidently you can answer "yes" to each of these,
the more likely you'll feel good in the future that you invited this relative to your celebration. For each invitee you're
conflicted about, using pros and cons like
those above
can help you partners reach a comfortable compromise
together.
This
article began by defining a "successful" wedding, and then added nine
ways to prepare
to plan yours. Now we've explored six unique stepfamily
questions
you mates will need to answer in addition to
"traditional" (mutual first) wedding decisions. Pause, stretch, and
reflect - what are you learning? What do you want to do, if anything, with
your version of these six planning questions?
Another powerful way you can significantly increase your re/wedding joy
and success is to...
Optimize Your Nuptial Planning
Process
Your re/wedding process is everything that happens between your engagement
decision and
mailing the last thank-you card. We just explored ways to
plan your process well. Two
other factors will profoundly shape your re/wedding experience and
all your stepfamily relationships, over time: (a) how
you communicate together
and with your relatives during your wedding planning, and (b)
you
partners resolve
personal and mutual re/wedding conflicts.
Let's take a look at each of these...
Communication Themes
To prepare, try this
quiz on communication
basics and return. If you need to refresh your knowledge, study and discuss
this and
this. Then read and
discuss one
or both of these articles on improving communication between
partners and/or
ex mates.
Premise:
you two communicate with the kids and adults affected by your re/marriage
will shape your long-term wedding satisfaction. Most people aren't used to looking at their
so
what you're about to read may feel alien.
Each of you mates can choose to be
or unconscious of your internal and shared planning processes. If you choose awareness together,
here are three communication-process themes to discuss as you make
your planning decisions:
1) Do we want to (a)
tell
selected
kids and
adults our plans, (b) ask them to plan
with
us (ask their opinions and needs), (c) or
both?"
This last option opens the
door for people to discover and vent their questions ("Where are we
going to live?") and concerns ("Mom, will you take Jack's last
name? I want us to have the same last names!") Example:
you can tell your kids "We're getting married," or you can
ask
something like "How would you feel about Marla and me getting married
in three months?" Stay clear that you're not asking anyone's
permission!
Recognize that your wedding and
cohabiting will cause changes that will ripple through the
farthest corners of the three or more biofamilies you're
Expect it to take "a while" before
people realize the
of your stepfamily decisions and react to them.
Theme 2) "How
do you and I want to react to any implied or overt disapproval of
our commitment and/or wedding plans?" The odds are that some
people in your three or more
biofamilies will feel ambivalent about or critical of your decision to wed
and cohabit. This is likely because people grieve divorce
or death losses at different speeds, and usually have significantly different values
about divorce and re/marriage morality, timing, and logistics.
You
partners can respond to c/overt disapprovals in many ways:
indifference ("I don't care if you or they
approve or not."), or...
avoidance
("I don't want to talk about it"),
or...
apologetic
("I feel
really bad that our marriage upsets you / them..."), or...
respectful
and
("Let's brainstorm together..."), or...
aggressive confrontations and
("If you can't support or rejoice for us, you're not welcome at the service
or reception, OK?")
Are you each aware of your and your
partner's normal
style of reacting to disapproval? We'll explore this further below.
Another consideration is...
Theme
3) "Who should communicate with our
other planners, and how?" You, me, or both of us? In person,
by phone, email, or through third parties?" Why? The primary issue here is
if and how you two resolve any
conflicts over these questions - as win-win partners, or opponents.
Are these planning-process questions
familiar or new to one or both of you? What's your initial reaction -
to discuss and act on these questions together, postpone that, or ignore them?
Whatever your respective reactions, are your
making them, or
How do you
The former
promotes effective communication and problem-solving.
Let's refocus on resolving wedding-related conflicts. If you two have studied
and
thoroughly, what follows will be a
review. If you haven't studied your
and the
seven communication
that promote effective thinking and problem-solving, the
following may motivate you to study those vital projects.
Stretch and breathe - do you need a break?
 Continue
with page 4...
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Updated
November 30, 2008
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