Resolve
Inner Conflicts First
Inner-conflict resolution begins by your getting quiet and
undistracted, and noticing your thoughts and feelings
without judgment.
If you listen carefully, you'll discern two or more inner "voices"
(subselves) arguing. This might sound like...
Voice 1:
"Overall, my sons would feel better if we invite their mother to our
(stepfamily) wedding. I think we should."
Voice 2:
"Get real! If she comes, Sharon will cast a pall of
gloom and anger that will fill the church. It's not the boys' wedding, so
leave her out!"
Voice 3:
"But if we don't at least invite her, she'll
get even angrier. You know how she is - she might take us back to
court to get even for being excluded and humiliated. We better not risk
that."
Voice 4: "Hey, this is too complicated. Let's get a beer and see if
the Vikings' game is on the tube yet. We can worry about this stuff later."
If you
haven't identified your dominant subselves yet,
scan
to sense who is arguing over your
wedding decisions. You want your
(capital "S") to lead the debate and choose the best option. That might sound like...
Self: "This is
complicated. I think we should get more information before deciding - like
asking (new partner) Marian and each of the boys what they feel and need
here. And my friend Dave has been through this - his experience could help.
Depending on what they say, we might be smart to ask (therapist) Charlotte
for an objective outside opinion."
This illustrates your primary challenge: the tragic U.S.
divorce epidemic
implies that partners'
are choosing
the wrong
to (re)wed, for the wrong
at the wrong
To avoid that
happening to you and your kids, do
together before you start planning your commitment celebration!
Keystone
focuses on
your Self to lead
your other subselves and resolve your internal disputes.
Once
you mates resolve significant internal battles about your wedding,
you're far more likely to resolve your mutual disputes.
Have you ever tried this (inner - inner - mutual) resolution strategy? Do you
know anyone who has? How did you see your parents resolve family
disagreements?
Resolve
Your Mutual Conflicts
What
if your Self says "All things considered, we should invite Sharon." and
your partner's Self says "No, I don't think that's a good idea."? If
you two have (a) freed your Selves to lead, and (b) studied
together thoroughly, you'll have seven
to help you
resolve your disputes effectively by doing something like this...
-
agree on your stepfamily
and what it
-
review these common stepfamily
together;
-
check for
attitudes;
-
each of your Selves
your respective
and
personal rights in this situation;
-
your needs and opinions to each other, and use
to confirm that you empathically understand (vs. agree with) each other;
-
be alert for
and
conflicts; divisive relationship
and communication
If you
find any, use these tips
to resolve them first, one at a time.
Then...
-
focus on
identifying and filling your
respective primary (wedding-related) needs well enough. Help each
other to (a) stay
of your resolution process, (b)
focus on one problem at a time, and (c) brainstorm all options you can think of - as
teammates; then...
-
pick the best fit, and
enjoy the feeling of solving a complex conflict together!
Is this the way you each
resolve interpersonal conflicts? In teaching and counseling over 1,000
co-parents
since 1981, I've rarely met any who practiced these problem-solving steps.
Option: to learn how you two resolve problems
now, use this worksheet.
Can
you imagine the impact on your kids' lives if you mates explain and model this
(inner + inner + mutual) conflict-resolution process for them?
What if the other co-parents in your
were willing to learn and use this
win-win strategy? What's in the way
of your suggesting it to them? Using it with them?
Reality Check
These communication options are useless if you two don't want to try them
together. If you aren't willing to try them with any wedding disputes, what does
that imply about how you'll fare with years of complex stepfamily conflicts
after your celebration? See how you stand: "T" = true; "F" = false; and "?"
= "I'm torn (internal conflict) or unclear now."
I acknowledge my partner
and I have some significant disagreements about our wedding and honeymoon
now. (T F ?)
We each (a) accept that we
have multi-subself
and (b)
we each are guided now by our
or are
working toward that. (T F ?)
We're both learning to
help each other resolve our internal conflicts first (T F
?)
We each (a) know
effective-communication
basics now, and can clearly describe (b) the seven Project-2
and (c) when to use
each of them. (T F ?)
We each know (a) the
difference between surface needs and
now, and (b) how
to
our primary needs.
(T F ?)
We're
intentionally
evolving effective strategies to spot and resolve (a) conflicts over _
stepfamily
_
and
_
(priorities), and (b) relationship
(T F
?)
We
(a) have made
significant progress together on
so far, and
(b)
we're sure these re/wedding
do not apply
to any of us. (T F ?)
We've just reviewed ways to optimize your
wedding-planning process. Pause and recall why you began reading this article.
What are you aware of now that you weren't when you began? Before finishing
this last page, do you need a break?
A final key topic here is...
Planning Your Honeymoon
An ideal honeymoon allows a new couple to rest after their hectic wedding activities, relish their
commitment-celebration experience, and enjoy intimacy without
distraction. "The honeymoon's over" implies an inevitable return to the complex
responsibilities and conflicts of "regular life."
From 1 (a satisfying honeymoon is nice, but not vital)
to 10 (it is essential
to us), how strongly do each of you
partners feel about planning a successful honeymoon? Do you agree on
what honeymoon "success" is? Are your honeymoon ideas and goals based
biofamily traditions or stepfamily
realities?
Ask other stepfamily couples about their
honeymoon experience. Their stories usually differ from typical first-marriers
because of their existing kids and ex mates. Depending on how many kids there are, how old
they are, money, legal parenting and custody agreements, and other factors,
typical re/marrying couples choose between...
Five Options
Accept that current
money, parenting, and work responsibilities make any kind of honeymoon
impractical for now, and agree "We don't need one;" or new
spouses can...
make complex arrangements to
ensure minor kids are safe, and enjoy a token (e.g. a local motel) or
a classic honeymoon alone together. If that's not feasible, re/wedded
co-parents...
bring one or more kids along
on a honeymoon trip - perhaps vowing a lovers-only trip in the
future; or couples...
plan a two-part trip, first
with dependent children, then alone - or vice versa; or new spouses may...
defer a honeymoon until money,
kids, work, and other factors allow it.
Because so many people are involved, choosing among these can be complex and
conflictual. For instance, if one or both
of you had a "real" (child-free, romantic) honeymoon the first time
you married, you may resent being unable to do that now. Another possibility is that a divorced
mom has never been separated from her young kids before.
Your honeymoon discussions will illustrate
with each of you - your Self, your relationship, your kids, or someone else? This may
be one of the
first times dependent kids really experience being
"second place" to their new stepparent.
Whatever honeymoon option you pick, you can expect some
friends or
family members to
criticize your decision. ("You newlyweds are taking Allen and Jackie
with you to Key West? Aren't your priorities a little wacko?") Such
people probably discount your stepfamily
and what it
.
In negotiating your honeymoon decision, choose a
long-range view, and sort out which honeymoon options are
best for (1) you integrities, (2) your relationship, long-term;
and then for (3) everyone else, including your kids, other
co-parents, and relatives? Then use steps like those above to resolve any internal
and mutual conflicts about your honeymoon options. For perspective,
review these widespread re/marital
and discuss whether they apply to you and any
kids in your life...
Recap
|
This
article
assumes that you partners have worked long and hard at co-parent
in order to
choose the right
to commit to, for
the right
at the right
If you
haven't, it's likely (a) your needy false selves are making your choices,
(b) you and your kids are at risk of years of
and eventual re/divorce
trauma, and (c) this article is irrelevant. |
In all eras and cultures, typical courting couples participate in a
social/religious ceremony to declare their mutual commitments and new
responsibilities. For many reasons, stepfamily re/wedding
celebrations are far more complex and conflictual than
traditional first-marriage weddings. This justifies significant pre-planning!
This four-page article (a) identifies key challenges unique to stepfamily weddings,
and (b) suggests ways to optimize your
nuptial and honeymoon planning process together. A basic premise
is that your main goal is to
and fill the
primary (vs. surface) short-term and long-term
needs of as many of
your key stepfamily members and friends as possible - starting with each of
you partners.
One factor stands above all others in determining the degree of pleasure or
pain each of your adults and kids feel about
your celebration in the future: whether or not your
oversaw your
decision to re/marry,
and how you designed your engagement, invitations, showers, meals, ceremony,
reception, and honeymoon.
Most needy, excited American re/marrying couples aren't aware of their
five re/marital
and the 12
they can work
on together to earn old-age contentments. If
you two can't describe and accept these 17 factors now, I urge you to
defer your wedding plans and do your homework! Your fan of
descendants mutely depend on you to do this!
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The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/08/wedding4.htm