This three-page article is one
of a
written to anyone who seeks - or has chosen - a primary life-partner.
It offers perspective and options for living with a
significantly-wounded mate.
here offers ways to avoid choosing such a mate. Related articles
focus on options for adapting to wounded ex mates,
kids, and
relatives. This article covers...
-
requisite readings
-
perspective on six common psychological wounds and four typical
effects
-
common
ineffective strategies for adapting to these wounds, and...
-
Seven sequential
options for assessing and adapting
to your and/or your mate's wounds
Premises - typical kids raised in a low-nurturance environment
by evolving a personality composed of many specialized
or parts. This usually results in two to six
psychological
which hinder healthy development and social functioning. The
of these wounds range from minor to severe. Divorce is a sign of significant
[wounding + unawareness] - and over 50% (i.e. millions) of typical U.S. couples divorce
legally or psychologically.
If you're curious or skeptical about your subselves, get undistracted and read
this letter to you. Then do this safe,
interesting exercise. If you're still
you may be dominated by a well-meaning
To get the most from this article, first read...
*
If you have trouble viewing the
slides, see
Perspective
My experience as a
therapist since 1981 suggests that up
to five interactive
stress most American
families and promote epidemic
psychological and legal
The least known and
probably most harmful hazard is one or both committed partners not knowing they
have sig-nificant psychological wounds from
childhood neglect (too little
The first sign that one or both of you mates may have significant wounds
occurs when you admit chronic hurt, frustration, resentment, disappointment,
and/or anger with your partner. The causes may be a mix of "marital
problems" - arguing, lying, raging, mood swings, addiction, sexual
dissatisfaction, boredom, indifference, distrust, disrespect, anxiety,
affairs, and/or loneliness.
These are all symptoms
of two core problems: (a) unseen psychological wounds and (b) shared
unawareness of these key
Once they are admitted, both can be greatly reduced over time.
Six Wounds
These common stressors include:
-
having a fragmented ("split")
controlled by a protective
This promotes one or more of these:
-
excessive
("low self esteem") and
excessive
-
excessive
-
of the unknown, abandonment, failure, overwhelm, pain, and success;
-
excessive
-
like denying, repressing, idealizing, exaggerating, minimizing, catastrophizing,
rationalizing, intellectualizing, projecting, discounting, and numbing;
-
trusting other people too easily and
getting repeatedly betrayed; or chronically
yourself, reliable other people, and a benign
People with all five wounds may also...
-
be unable to
with (care about) some or all living things, and be unable to feel,
give, and receive love. The
clinical label for this tragic condition is
Reactive
Attachment Disorder (RAD). Common symptoms of
this are living alone, being "emotionally unavailable," an inability to tolerate true intimacy,
and superficial relationships, and one
or more divorces.
See this real-life illustration of how these combined wounds can affect family
relationships. Among other things, this example shows how
wounded parents unintentionally pass these psycholog-ical traits on to
their descendents. This process is called
the [wounds + unawareness]
in this non-profit Web site.
For an initial sense of whether you and/or your partner
are "significantly wounded," review this
comparison and these
behavioral traits.
|
Once adults like
you (a) are aware of the cycle, and (b) have
they can (c) admit and choose to
their wounds.
This can improve their
family's nurturance level over time, and protect their descendents and
other people from
acquiring or amplifying these wounds.
|
Typical Wound Effects
If one or both of
you mates are
and often controlled by a protective
-
you probably have chronic trouble (a)
filling your
(b)
and (c)
effectively;
-
you may have made up to three unwise
-
you two may have some mix of these
and...
-
any
dependent kids and/or grandkids are probably developing their own protective false selves
and wounds, and...
-
your family may be unconsciously using an
to manage your inevitable life
(broken
bonds).
Pause,
breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings
now.
Is it possible that your part-ner suffers from a mix of
these psychological wounds? If
he or she is ruled by a false self, you
have powerful options to
improve your personal and household serenities and your kids' chances
for a healthier life. Before surveying your options, take this...
#
Status Check: see how you feel about the ideas
you just read. T = true, F = false, and “?” means “I don’t know” or "I'm not
sure."
-
I can clearly describe the
concepts of
(a) personality subselves, (b) true Self and
false selves, and (c)
psychological wounds to another adult now.
(T F ?)
-
I accept that all our family adults
and kids have teams of normal personality
without
being "crazy," "defective," "psycho," or "mental." (T F ?)
-
I know how to
(a) identify my
subselves
and (b) how to
them
- or I'm motivated to learn these now. (T F ?)
-
I (a) agree that any family (like ours) can be
rated “very low nurturance” to “very high nurturance,” and (b) I have studied
the traits that determine the
in our home/s. (T F ?)
-
My partner would answer
True to each of these
questions. (T F ?)
-
My
(capital "S") is answering these questions. (T F ?)
You’ll find
more information on these
items in
these Project-1 Web articles and worksheets
and the related
guidebook
Who's Really
Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2002; 2nd ed.)
I assume you’re reading this because you
have "significant problems" in your primary relationship and home, and seek
to reduce them.
Ineffective Strategies
See if you’ve been using
any of these
responses to your relationship problems (unmet needs) so far…
Numb, ignore, or rationalize your discomforts;
hope “it’ll get better somehow;” and/or put
concerns” ahead of
filling your partnership needs;
Choose
the (1-down) Victim role in a series of relationship
with your partner, play “ain’t it awful” and “poor me,”
and rationalize or deny that (your false self) is doing this.
Assume a
relationship stance, and
pity, scorn, or revile your mate for not admitting her or his problem behaviors
and wanting to correct them.
Seek pain-relief via an
or
other medication,
and deny that (a) you are, and that (b) this implies that you are often
controlled by a false
self.
Over time,
some
relationship and family hopes and dreams that probably won't happen,
accept the situation, and make the best of it.
Feel responsible
for fixing your partner's "problems" (wounds) and persistently try to help him or her
despite resistance. If overdone, this strategy suggests a
protective false self is causing you the wound-symptom of
Or
you may...
Withdraw sadly or
angrily from your mate, and
(your false self) seeks to satisfy your unfilled
with another
person. Or you may...
Persuade or
a relative, co-worker, clergyperson, older child, or close friend, to
make your
mate change some attitudes and/or behaviors.
Are you using
any
strategies like these? Whatever you're doing, how well does your strategy fill
your personal and
recently?
Options for Adapting
An initial challenge to overcome is accepting
that one or both of you may be ruled by a "false self" (i.e. wounded). Normal
reactions are "No way!" or "Maybe my partner is, but not ME!"
You must become dissatisfied enough
to want to honestly test for significant wounds - and your false self
will diligently resist doing so. This is like finding the courage to
test for high blood pressure, diabetes, or cancer.
Six Options
1) Prepare to
assess -
learn about personality subselves, false-self wounds, their origins and
effects,
and ways to reduce them ("wound recovery"). Then...
2)
for significant wounds, and start to reduce them as needed.
Do this...
-
because wounded people usually pick
wounded partners repeatedly, until in true recovery;
-
to optimize your odds
for successful intervention with your partner, if needed, and...
-
to protect any dependent kids and
grandkids from unintended wounding.
If you
defer or skip this step
and focus only on your mate, your odds for success drop sharply.
3) Assess your
partner - use what you've learned (above) and the
resources in Project 1 to
evaluate your mate for false-self wounds. Your goals are to decide (a)
how wounded is he or she (minor to major), and (b) which wounds
s/he has. Then either...
4) Accept - use
wise guidelines like
and accept your wounded mate
without direct interventions; or...
5) Intervene -
decide what specific
you need in your mate, and respectfully
assert
your needs, limits, and consequences. If s/he can't or won't change, accept that
for
now; or...
6) Leave and grieve
- If you lose hope of getting your needs met, leave the relationship,
nurture any kids, and help each other
your losses
(broken bonds).
Your choice among these will
depend on (a) your own wound-healing status, (b) how dissatisfied you are in your relationship, (c) your age
and personality, and (d) various family, social, and financial factors.
Let's look at each of these options...
1) Prepare to Assess
The first step is
to accept that you have "significant relationship
(unfilled
If a false self controls you, you're apt to deny, minimize, ignore,
or rationalize your dissatisfactions, and try ineffective strategies
like those above.
When you're able to admit significant
problems, study these
recommended readings to gain a knowledge-base for
further decisions. For deeper understanding, read some
of these books. Options -
describe and/or show these resources to...
-
your mate if s/he's open to that, perhaps
explaining that you're preparing to assess yourself for wounds;
and/or to...
-
trusted supporters, and invite their
honest feedback. Expect normal skepticism
about personality subselves.
2) Assess Yourself
for Wounds
If your mate is controlled by a
well-meaning false self, you probably are too. That's because until
significant healing, we
GWCs) unconsciously choose each other - repeatedly - despite painful
outcomes. Most of us GWCs learned very early how to "appear normal" and
disguise our wounds behind a charming facade. To assess your partner for wounds, you'll need your wise
true Self and other
guiding your decisions and actions.
After you've learned the concepts (above), use this
framework and these
12 worksheets to decide if you
have significant false-self wounds. Guard against subjectivity
by asking a trusted, knowledgeable, objective person to verify your assessment. Describing this evaluation and your reasons
for doing it to your partner can help set the stage for later options. It also may scare some
of her or his
that
you're "going to turn into someone else and leave me."
The challenge to self-assessment is overcoming normal false-self resistance
to admitting any wounds and changing your lifestyle. Most GWCs are used to
self-neglect and protective denials from childhood, so it often takes
a major trauma and middle age to change
those crippling attitudes and genuinely seek personal
This is roughly like wanting to give up all that is familiar, and
moving to an alien foreign country to live.
When you feel your
usually
your personality, then...
3) Assess Your
Partner for Wounds
Even if it seems unlikely that your mate is significantly wounded, use the knowledge you've gained from the options above and the
resources in Project 1 to estimate (a) how wounded s/he
may be (minor to major),
and (b) which specific wounds s/he
may (eventually) want to reduce. Be
alert to assessing for the primary six wounds, and not common wound-symptoms like these:
Restated - learn how to distinguish false-self and true Self
behaviors, and estimate...
-
how often your partner is governed by a
false self (rarely > sometimes > often >
constantly), and...
-
in what situations (like conflict, stress,
intimacy, and/or confusion)...
Ideally you'll be able to discuss this evaluation with your mate unless her or his ruling subselves are
too
by what it may
Be cautious about revealing and
acting on your findings. Your mate's false self may defensively
and resent your aims and conclusions, and fear you now think s/he's "crazy,"
"defective," "a psycho," or "a mental case." His or her true Self would
calmly accept what you're doing and why, and offer genuine cooperation.
This assessment is a win-win effort - you'll conclude your mate is not
significantly wounded, or s/he is. Both findings can help you fill
your current relationship needs better. One way is to...
4) Accept Your Mate's
Woundedness
If s/he is significantly wounded,
you may choose to avoid confronting
your mate directly about this for now. So
accept means “(a) live with tolerable discomfort, and (b) enjoy the
good things about our relationship and family (c) while I work patiently at
reducing my own wounds.” Some acceptance options include…
thoughtfully concluding that the benefits of
not
intervening with your partner outweigh the probable costs for you and your kids at this time.
praying for guidance, and
the
outcome of your relationship to your
