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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
article is for family adults and kids who have been - or may be -
affected by two courting partners combining households before, after, or
instead of legal marriage. Their cohabiting will cause
and changes throughout two or more multi-generational biofamilies -
specially if one or both partners have kids and ex mates from prior unions.
For interesting perspective, first scan this brief
research summary on unmarried
(cohabiting) families.
The article presents:
Perspective
Some courting or newly-re/wedded partners move in to live in their mate's
existing home.. Either or both partners may have custodial or visiting (or
adult) kids from former unions, and one or more living or dead ex mates. Other
couples and any custodial kids
move into a dwelling that's new to them all - an "ours" home. The first option usually causes more problems for
members of their
related
biofamilies.
After a move-in, each co-parent (including ex mates), and child has a mix of different
adjustment needs to fill as
everyone strives to
evolve and stabilize their routines, roles, relationships, and spaces.
Combining lifestyles, belongings, and dwellings is inevitably
Unless both partners have
formed a new stepfamily before, even diligent
move-together planning can't avoid significant cohabiting
conflicts.
Household and family merger-stress is proportional to...
how ready each affected adult and
child was for the dwelling and life-routine
and changes,
who's needs controlled the decision
to cohabit and the timing,
how effective all affected adults are
at
and managing change; and...
how
the
bioparents and stepparents are about what they and their kids are
Cohabiting after the death of a former spouse (vs. divorce) may
cause fewer problems, but their intensity and complexity can still
be daunting for everyone.
Courting co-parents can significantly reduce everyone's adjustment
stresses by taking the time to
some key things first, surveying everyone's needs honestly, and then
evolving a thoughtful cohabiting
plan together. Get the most from this article by first reading...
-
the basic premises
underlying the this non-profit Web site;
-
the
key ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
the
most
family and stepfamily relationships are extra stressful,
-
the common
causes of most stepfamily
and
relationship
problems,
-
co-parents can
evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily,
-
these overviews of
factors, and 16 groups of
things cohabiters must merge.
This Web site proposes that (a) needs are physical, psychological,
or spiritual discomforts; (b) problems are unfilled needs;
(c) most problems have _ surface symptoms, and _ underlying primary needs.
It also proposes that most people (like you?) are unaware of these
realities, and often focus on trying to satisfy the surface needs
(symptoms) rather than the primary needs that cause them. This often results
in the problems "coming back," and mounting frustration among people
affected by the problem/s. Does this ever happen to your family members?
With these ideas in mind, pause, reflect, and say out loud your version of
common problems (needs) that typical couples and their relatives encounter
when the couple cohabits. Then compare your answer to this:
Common
Surface Cohabiting
Stressors
For perspective, recall the last time you changed dwellings. You probably had to...
-
decide who was
responsible for what task, pick a date to move, and notify key people.
-
_
clean and _ reorganize the space you're moving into, and _ arrange for
vehicle parking, as needed;
-
_ sort belongings
and _ dispose of some; _ get containers and _ pack the rest, _ arrange
transport, and _ unpack,
-
cope with any
moving problems, like breaking an appliance or heirloom, lifting heavy
things up stairs, or finding that something large wouldn't fit through a
doorway.
-
_ adjust
furnishings and decor in the new dwelling, and _ arrange for water, gas,
electricity, telephone, banking, prescriptions, and other services as
needed;
-
let key people
and creditors know your _ new address, _ phone number/s, and _ other relevant
details,
-
learn the current boundaries, rituals, preferences, and routines of the
people living in your new space, if any; and...
-
_ familiarize yourself with the new neighborhood
and community, and _ settle on a new commuting routine to work or school.
This is daunting enough without kids and perhaps pets in one or both
dwellings. Add one or more ex mates and three or more sets of
who are affected by
the dwelling change, and a big new
category of "moving-in problems" appears: "stepfamily conflicts about
changing dwellings, roles, finances, and locales."
The surface problems in this category
can include things like these: one or more people disagree over...
moving at all, and/or moving at this
time;
the morality of
couples living
together before marriage - specially if minor kids are involved;
which people get which bedrooms and
closets, and who rooms or sleeps with whom;
who gives up their duplicate
furnishings, like beds, appliances, couches, desks, plates, utensils, and
picture, and what they do with them;
who pays for what in the new
dwelling, and when;
vehicle usage, parking, insurance,
and maintenance;
decisions about buying food,
cooking, eating, and cleaning up afterwards;
decoration preferences and tasks -
painting, wall-papering, drapes, shades, rugs, lighting, furnishings,
comfort clashes over temperature,
noise levels, allergies, mattresses, privacies, bathroom and TV
priorities, sexuality and nudity, etc;
chores and household
responsibilities, curfews (if any), pet care, baby sitting and/or day care
scheduling, school transport,
names and titles - who calls who what?
child-raising values (manners,
grooming, appearance, hygiene, drugs), styles (permissive vs. strict),
and...
who makes the major living decisions - who's in charge of the combined dwelling?
Every courting or re/married couple and their kids and relatives
will have a unique mix of "standard" and "stepfamily" surface
problems like these. When the conflicts that arise from these are
"significant" and/or "don't go away," There are usually
up to...
Six
Primary Cohabiting
Problems
Most (all?) common cohabiting surface problems have one or more of these six
underlying causes. Option: use this as a move-planning checklist with your other co-parents and
child/ren:
1) One or both partners don't fully
accept their
or what it
- so they have
unrealistic expectations about
and relationships
in their new stepfamily home and with ex mates and relatives.
Implication:
often, partners will not believe these problems apply to them and their kids
until they experience them so any cohabiting (merger
plans) are superficial.
2)
One
or more adults or kids hasn't
prior
family-adjustment
well enough,
and isn't ready to cohabit and
form new stepfamily relationships. Being forced to move too soon causes
secondary problems like hostility, "sabotage," withdrawals, and "a
bad attitude." The core problems here are that average co-parents don't
know...
-
good-grief
basics,
-
how and why to
incomplete
morning,
-
how to "free up" blocked mourning,
and...
-
how to
(a) evolve a healthy family
together, and
(b) how to
use it effectively;
3) One
partner
is ambivalent or
"uneasy" about
living together, but agrees to do so to avoid conflict. A companion problem may be
one partner intensely longing to live together, and pushing the cohabiting process despite c/overt resistance from other
people. A common variation is
both partners are ready to live together, but one or more ex mates, kids, and/or
relatives are strongly opposed.
Significant adult
usually cause all of these.
Another common primary cohabiting (and re/marital) problem is...
4) Co-parents don't
know
effective-communication basics and
how and when to use these
In addition,
before moving in together, typical co-parents need to learn...
-
how to
surface needs from underlying
and...
-
what each
co-parent's core
are, how
compatible they are, and how to resolve significant incompatibilities
effectively;
and...
-
the difference
between
and other
popular options like arguing, demanding, threatening, avoiding,
explaining, hinting,
defocusing, manipulating, lecturing, and blaming; and co-parents need to
know...
-
how to spot and
effectively resolve
family conflicts
over...
-
(e.g.
about money; child
discipline,
visitations, and
custody; cleanliness, leisure, chores,
worship,
health, education, etc.);
-
stepfamily
(inclusion/exclusion),
(priorities),
roles, and
titles (are you Alicia, John's daughter, or
my stepdaughter?); and conflicting...
-
communication _
and _
(e.g.
arguing, defending, explaining, demanding, or avoiding vs.
problem-solving)
And before co-parents move in together,
they and related ex mates and active co-grandparents should learn...
5) What
typical minor kids need
to (a) develop toward healthy independence, and
to (b)
adjust successfully to major family changes like
parental separation, early-stepfamily
and cohabiting. Once they know
these two sets of needs, co-parents can assess each
child's status on them, and then discuss how moving in
together will help or hinder each child's progress with them.
Co-parents guided by their
(capital "S") are then also able to draft co-parent
-
i.e. outlines
of which co-parent is responsible for filling which need of whose child?
Two important focal areas to discuss before cohabiting are
child discipline and child-related
expenses, including insurances. These
discussions must include kids' "other parent/s" (ex mates') needs,
motivations, and resources. Family
and this
practical
guidebook
focus on evolving an effective co-parenting team over time.
Finally,
before committing to cohabit, partners should...
6)
Learn
healthy-grieving
basics, and draft a healthy
family
as a base
for
helping each adult and child mourn the losses (broken bonds) they (you) all will experience from cohabiting
and merging
Partners who
a
childhood
risk not knowing they habitually mute or repress their emotions
- which will inhibit healthy grief. They also are likely to have
unconsciously learned
family policies (values and practices) which will inhibit their children from mourning
their
(broken
bonds) well.
Family
offers
good-grief basics, and articles on
detecting and releasing
Option: take
this good-grief quiz to learn what you
(need to) know about effective three-level grieving.
These are not trivial topics, so partners do
well to spend many weeks or months assessing how these primary issues affect
their situation before they draft
a move-together plan and start the complex biofamily merger process. When they (you) do,...
Expect Two Stepfamily-unique Challenges
True story: after 16 years' marriage and conceiving three children together,
Nancy chose to divorce Mark (not their real names). A year and a half after
the legal process ended, Mark remarried a long-time family friend who had
also divorced the prior year. Mark's kids knew Sharon and her ex and two
kids well, and had mixed reactions to the re/marriage. The couple decided
that Sharon would move into Mark's home with her mid-teen daughter. They
(and Nancy) knew little about stepfamilies and the primary problems above.
Some weeks after Sharon and her daughter had moved in, Mark's oldest
daughter Stephanie shocked them all, one evening by raging at Sharon
"Get out of my mother's kitchen! You don't belong here!" They
learned later that Stephanie's outburst was partially motivated by her
mother's (Nancy's) simmering resentments at Mark and her former friend for
her moving into "her"
house.
It took months for everyone to
(a) "calm down" from this unexpected
incident, (b) relax "us vs. them" polarities, and (c) resume shifting their former
friendships into new stepfamily roles. This incident probably stemmed from
Mark and Sharon's being lulled by their long friendship, not seeing
themselves as a stepfamily, and therefore not learning how important
each of the issues above were to all of them - including Nancy.
Mark's daughter had dramatically illuminated the second of
two common cohabiting challenges:
1) people moving into one partner's
existing home feeling guilty like aliens
and invaders, and...
2) one or more of the resident kids or visiting kids
feeling resentful at being "invaded" - specially if they hadn't been consulted
or listened to (respected) about the proposed cohabiting.
I'm not sure whether Sharon and her daughter felt like aliens in Mark's
home, or if so, how stressful that was. They may or may not have known
themselves.
partners who choose to cohabit with the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
often
underrate or don't expect
these two special stressors. They're apt to deny, avoid,
repress, joke (or fight) about, or minimize related problems as they occur.
Options
|
If you and your marvelous partner are likely to combine your dwellings and
lifestyles in the foreseeable future, here are some stress-prevention
options based on the above. My
core advice is this: commit to
helping each other with co-parent safeguard
over at
least 18 months (more is better) after you "turn serious,"
before
you consider cohabiting. The guidebook for these vital family Projects is
Stepfamily Courtship
(Xlibris.com, 2002) |
Make
a point of talking with stepfamily couples who are re/married (vs.
dating) five or more years. Option: try out several of the many stepfamily
"chat rooms" or "forums"
on the Web. Your goal is to learn the pros and cons of cohabiting
with kids from people who have done it. Don't expect to find stepfamilies that
are
like yours - and
know that typical stepfamilies face common basic
problems like those
above despite their uniquenesses.
Note that significantly-
stepfamily
partners are likely to unconsciously minimize or exag-gerate (distort) their
cohabiting problems and/or not know their kids' problems. See
this for a quick behavioral way to
estimate significant false-self wounds.
Patiently discuss and strengthen your awareness of
stepfamily
and
conflicts, and
relationship
and evolve a
trial-and-error way to effectively handle each one. Be assured you
will experience them over and over again - even if you haven't yet.
Resolving them will depend on your co-parents'
knowledge + your communication
+ your
true Selves usually
your
(personalities).
Consider using the three sets of Project- 7self-evaluation
worksheets.
They're designed to help courting couples make three right (complex)
re/marital choices - and can also help you make three right cohabiting choices
before formal re/commitments.
Ponder this British research summary which found that
unmarried families were more apt
to break up than married families. Human nature transcends political and
geographic boundaries...
Recap
Stepfamily partners and kids combining dwellings and life-styles
(cohabiting) often creates a mosaic of
unexpected and alien confusions and conflicts. This article summarizes common
surface (secondary) cohabiting problems, and hilights six primary factors that cause them.
If partners each
genuinely
and what it
they'll be
more apt to believe these six problems are worth resolving before
they start calling movers and buying change-of-address cards.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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