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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
wounds,
building
high-nurturance
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
These five Project-9 pages focus on one of three inter-related
human-relationship stressors - loyalty
(priority)
conflicts. The other two universal stressors are
values conflicts
and relationship
triangles.
All three of these are usually much more prevalent, complex, and impactful
in typical
multi-home
stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies - specially during the first
several years of merging co-parents' biofamilies. Typical co-parents and lay and
professional supporters have little awareness of how
to avoid and resolve them effectively. For wider perspective,
read
this overview and this real-life
example before continuing here.
These pages and related articles cover...
What co-parents and supporters
should know about these common stressors (this page);
How co-parents can dig down below surface issues
and use other
Project-2
communication
skills to permanently
resolve
most loyalty (and other) conflicts.
A self-discovery worksheet to help
you learn how you handle loyalty conflicts now.
The
guidebookBuild a High-nurturance Stepfamily(xlibris.com,
2002). integrates all these articles, and others describing co-parent
Projects 8-12
in this non-profit
site. Based on 29
years' clinical research with over 1,000 Midwestern-US co-parents, this
and five related volumes
include resource sections, full indexes, and link-addresses to many other
site and Web resources.
What
are Stepfamily
Loyalty Conflicts?
Bill, 14, finishes dinner before his mom and stepdad Sam do.
As the boy starts to leave, Sam asks him to stay until the adults finish. Frowning, Bill
asks "Do I have to, Mom?"
Fred's new wife complains again that he pays far too much
child support, and that he hasn't confronted his former wife on the issue. "Looks
like her needs count more with you than mine do!" she says sarcastically...
Seven year old Phyllis' school class is to make Mother's Day
gifts. She lives with her father and stepmother, and sees her birth mother every other
weekend. She feels anxious and confused about what to make for whom. Her teacher isn't
sure either...
Tim's grandmother Anna begins her Christmas shopping. Seven
months ago, her daughter -Tim's mother - remarried a Jewish man who has joint custody of
his two biochildren. Anna wonders "what should I buy ... for whom?"
In the last three years, 17 year-old Cathy has developed a
strong affection and respect for her dad's new wife. When this has shown in her talks with
her biomother Nan, however, it clearly hurts Nan and awkward silences occur. Cathy feels
guilty and torn, and wishes she could tell her father about her feelings, but hesitates
...
Four years after Alan's wife died, their son Jerry is about to
marry. Recently Alan remarried a divorcee with a son and daughter in college. Jerry's
wedding invitation arrives addressed only to Alan. His new spouse, Myra, is hurt and
confused. She asks "Am I invited?"
Phil, his daughter Tracy, and his new wife arrive at his
parents' house for their first stepfamily Thanksgiving. They're stunned to find Phil's
ex-wife sitting in the living room. After awkward greetings, he asks his mother in the
kitchen "How could you do this?" She looks surprised. "Why, I've always
loved Marcia, Phil - and she is Tracy's mother ... Thanksgiving just wouldn't seem the same without her - don't you see?"
Have you
experienced situations like these? These are real examples of loyalty
(or priority, or inclusion) conflicts faced often by
most stepfamily adults and kids for many years, starting in courtship. The basic dynamic is
one person feeling
hopelessly caught in the middle of
two or more valued people who each demand
or "deserve" being
attended "first" now.
These conflicts almost always bring out the
deepest personal insecurities,
needs, and
guilts in typical co-parents, minor and
grown kids, and kin. Strong bonds, unrealistic stepfamily
expectations, intense emotions, and
ineffective communication make them specially hard to resolve.
There is
a way
co-parent teammates can manage them effectively,
once they understand the core
problems that cause them.
When workable compromises
aren't found and stepfamily mates don't consistently rank their
primary relationship
second
(after wholistic health and personal integrity),
loyalty conflicts, triangles, and
other factors inexorably undermine
their relationships and stepfamily
harmony and bonding over time. This promotes a low
family-nurturance level
and psychological and
legal re/divorce trauma.
Typically, this is because stepparents
weary of
feeling second-place or lower to their stepkids and/or their spouse's ex
mate. Conversely, bioparents tire of feeling endlessly in the middle of lose-lose stepfamily
impasses. Without
an effective strategy to prevent and resolve loyalty conflicts and
triangles, mates lose hope of positive change,
and begin to protectively pull in and apart.
Let's review some
realities about typical stepfamily loyalty
or priority clashes before you learn how to avoid and resolve them in
and between your related homes.
What
Family Adults Need to Know About Loyalty Conflicts
Though details
vary in different stepfamilies
and situations, the
basic theme of loyalty conflicts is constant:one adult or child wants to, or
is asked to, please two or more other family members at the same time, and feels caught between
them.
One of the people may be "myself" (I want to
please me and my Mom.) If the person in the middle chooses
one of the "contenders," they risk the other person/s feeling
rejected (disrespected), discounted, hurt, and resentful. If the middle
person pleases none of the "contenders,"they all may
feel hurt and resentful.
The
examples above are real-life stepfamily loyalty
conflicts. To the person in the middle, these usually feel like frustrating
lose-lose
situations. If loyalty conflicts go unresolved and repeat over time (which they will,
without an effective strategy to prevent this),
the middle-people usually feel increasinglyconfused, frustrated, and torn.
Repeated and escalating frustration, hurt, and guilt corrodes
re/marriages.
Loyalty conflicts are
built in to the structure of
typical multi-home stepfamilies. When they happen, is
"wrong" or "bad"!
Similarpriority
conflicts happen in
biofamilies ("I'm more loyal to my Mom than to my Dad") - but are
far less
intense, frequent, confusing, and stressful.
Stepfamily loyalty conflicts feel
different, because they often focus on "your child" or "your ex
spouse", rather than "our child."
Courtship experiences are usually
a reliable guideto the frequency, nature, and outcomes of
typical loyalty conflicts and associated triangles.
The conflicts usually start to bloom around the re/marriage announcement and ceremony.
Or they may first start to appear when a courting couple takes their first
vacation or has their first group holiday celebration with their minor
and/or grown stepkids.
People notin a stepfamily, including most
mental-health professionals, usually won't be able to empathize or effectively advise
on resolving these complex, emotional dilemmas. Because of pride and/or
unawareness, they often can't acknowledge that;
Stepparents have a
right to
ask their bioparent-mates to choose between "siding with" (supporting) them
vs. their biochild, ex mate, or ex-mate's kin. Insecure
stepparents who are confused in their family role can feel painfully guilty ("it's my
fault - I am being selfish in forcing my mate to choose...") if their mate
accuses them of being "selfish" or "childish" in complaining about
feeling "second place."
Wounded
stepparents from
low-nurturance
childhoods are specially at risk of this misplaced guilt,
or
of overreacting with anger and outrage.
Starting in courtship,
stepfamily
bioparents must choose often who's needs are more important to them at the
moment. "Choosing not to choose" is not an option, for it leaves
all
people feeling unclear and undervalued. Because this is often an agonizing reality to
accept, bioparents are creative in finding ways to avoid it. One exasperated biodad
earnestly and defensively assured his new wife and biokids "You are
all first
with me!" (implication: "Wife, you're not getting my reality, so your 'feeling
second-place' is your fault / problem"). His wife didn't feel
first, and wasn't feeling heard, respected, or reassured.
Everyonein a stepfamily will feel
"caught in the middle" from time to time, including kids, relatives, ex
mates, stepparents, and bioparents. The most frequent example is a bioparent torn in two
by wanting to (or feeling expected to) please his or her new mate and a biochild,
and feeling able to please or support only one or the other. For example ...
"I
want to support my child"
bioparent
"I
ought to nurture my stepchild"
"I
should support my child’s
other parent"
bioparent
"I
want to side with my new
partner"
"I
want to please my real Mom
first"
child
"I
should be nice to my stepmom"
"I
shouldn't be so selfish. I should
be more patient and understanding."
stepparent
"I'm frustrated, hurt, and angry, and I
have a right to express my feelings and marital needs!"
"I want to please
my child’s step-
grandmother"
bioparent
"I want to please
my (biological)
parent/s, too"
"I want my (custodial bioparent) to
love and approve of me"
child
"I want my (noncustodial
bioparent) to love and approve of me"
"I
shouldn't badmouth my kids'
(other parent) in front of the kids"
ex spouse
"I'm so
hurt, resentful, and
angry - sometimes I just can't help it!"
"I should honor
my own parenting
values and beliefs"
co-parent
"I
should respect _ my new
mate’s and _ my ex mate's parenting values too"
"Side with
my brother"
child
"back my
stepsister"
"I really
love our biochild/ren -
and (I'm trying to) like your child/ren"
dual co-parent (step
and bioparent with an "ours" child)
"I
should love our child and your
child equally"
"I've grown to love
my former
daughter-in-law"
grandparent
"I
should love my son's new wife
just as much - but I don't..."
"Obey my
stepfather, or he'll get
mad"
child
"Don’t let
my friend down - or
he'll get mad"
Usually
there are more than two people pulling on the person in the middle. If you were the
biomom below, how would you feel? What would you do? To anyone in
the middle of such a tangle, any choice seems sure to displease someone important to them.
This typically promotes guilt, frustration, self-doubt, ambivalence, indecision, and
perhaps anger - specially if it's the "500th time" they've felt n
this impossible position.
A Typical Eight-way Stepfamily Loyalty Conflict
There is
a best way for stepfamily co-parents to cope with these inevitable
dilemmas,
but many co-parents find it's hard to do!
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/09/lc-intro.htm
What
are Stepfamily
