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Useful Family-meeting Topics
There are many subjects you adults can include in a family-member
meeting or discussion. Your agendas can focus on...
-
resolving a specific
role, relationship, or other family problem,
-
education
- i.e. growing
family-member
knowledge; and...
-
having fun together and growing your
"us-ness" (bonds).
Here are some representative educational topics
that can promote family cooperation and high-nurturance relationships. These topics spring from the
9-12 safeguard
that can guard you
all from these common
as your family moves through its multi-year generational
cycle.
Option: review this list of topics without following any links. Then go back and
asterisk or prioritize which topics you feel are most useful in
your unique family situation, and follow those links. Note that some topics probably justify
several discussions or meetings.
These topics build on each other - understanding later topics depends on awareness
of earlier ones. Any of these subjects can come up in a family meal or
car-trip, and/or may be the topic of a formal family meeting. Meetings are
harder to schedule than impromptu discussions, and provide the advantage of having everyone learn and
contribute at the same time.
Topics
_ 1) Discuss and
illustrate...
-
the concept of personal and
group needs, and
-
that personal and family
"problems" are unfilled needs. Then...
-
introduce and illustrate
the vital concept of surface needs (symptoms), and multi-level
to primary needs.
Pick someone's current surface need ("Jamie
wants her own room."), and practice
digging down to the primary need/s causing it ("She wants a place where
she can do exactly what she wants, without others reacting or interfering."). Then discuss who is
responsible for filling the primary needs.
_ 2) Discuss (a)
why families exist (to fill special needs of their members), and (b) the difference between
high and
low-nurturance families. Explore opinions on what
your family's
is, using this
worksheet or equivalent. Perspective:
dependent kids won't know enough to judge your nurturance level
well, but the experience of discussing this topic together
breeds long-term benefits for you all.
_ 3)
Discuss
what a
is, and
ask each person to describe theirs. Propose that personalities develop over
early-childhood years, and are normally composed of talented "parts" or
subselves like members of an orchestra or sports team. Discuss the
concepts of
review their
common traits, and these common "
questions and answers.
Options: add the
concepts of "
(GWCs)," false-self
"
,"
and wound
Use these
Project-1 pages, the guidebook
Who's
Really Running Your Life?, and any of these
books as resources.
_ 4)
Discuss (a) what a family is, and (b) your
family
and (c) what it
If anyone
disputes or rejects that you are a family, see how that affects
everyone. Explain that accepting your identity is necessary to form
realistic expectations and avoid or
minimize relationship problems.
Options: use and discuss this
"family identity" worksheet,
and/or discuss alternatives to the prefix "step," like "blended"
(family)
or "co-" (family / parent / child).
_ 5)
Discuss what
it means to belong
to a family. Then...
-
explain, draw, and
discuss
your full-stepfamily
(map) together,
and...
-
discern whether you have any significant
conflicts over who
belongs to (is included in) your present stepfamily.
Note the difference
between being rejected from membership ("You're
here") and not
wanting membership ("I'm 1-up here"). Both are forms of exclusion,
which usually create stepfamily hurt, frustration, distrusts, and
conflicts.
_ 6) Discuss...
-
_ what
teamwork is, and _ the alternatives to teamwork,
-
what's needed to create teamwork
between two or more people, and...
-
who's responsible for creating teamwork in
your stepfamily. Then discuss...
-
the level (low to high) of teamwork
between or in your _
, _ homes, and _
stepfamily, and...
-
any needed improvements.
_ 7)
Discuss
and illustrate the idea of a
statement.
Then discuss (a) whether you all have such a statement, and (b) if not,
whether you all should evolve one together. Option: use this
two-page series as a resource. Doing this is
family
_ 8)
Identify
and affirm your family's
strengths. Options: use this
series of worksheets to discern and
appreciate your strengths as persons, mates, and co-parents.
_ 9)
Review how your
stepfamily is like a typical intact
biofamily in some ways, and very
different in others. Then help everyone see that you all need to
(a) know
and (b) accept your version of these differences to form realistic
expectations of yourselves and each other as your stepfamily merges and
evolves.
_ 10)
Conduct
a "myth hunt."
Review and discuss this set of
stepfamily
myths and
realities one at a
time, and tailor them to fit your unique stepfamily. Practice
together as you go. This exercise is part of building
realistic stepfamily expectations - co-parent
.
_ 10)
Discuss the learned skill of
(identifying
and asking clearly for what you need, or stating what you believe - in a
respectful way). Then discuss the alternatives:
-
repression (ignoring
your own needs),
-
submission (putting others' needs before yours); and
-
aggression (putting your needs ahead of other people's needs).
Illustrate
each of these with people you all know. Option: help everyone discern the
difference between a
and when each is
appropriate.
More useful family-discussion or meeting topics...
_ 11)
Discuss
what
communication
is (any
behavior that causes a change in another person). Then discuss and
illustrate...
-
the
you all try to
fill by communicating, and...
-
what happens when two or more people's
Then...
-
evolve a
family definition of "
(vs. 'good,' or 'open and honest')
communication," and illustrate it with recent (or current) discussions in
your stepfamily.
Option: invite your adults and kids to become aware of your
communication effectiveness in important and conflictual situations, and to
affirm you all when that happens.
_ 12)
Review
and illustrate
each of the seven
one at a time (seven meetings?). Then pick some of these
communication blocks, and discuss them.
Avoid getting into a blaming festival ("Randy always interrupts me!"
"Oh yeah? Well then stop repeating yourself and lecturing me all the time!"),
and watch for chances to resolve significant communication problems
using the skills. Options:
-
use the several practice exercises
here to help everyone learn these skills
over time;
-
discuss the
difference between win-win
and
.
-
Each of you can fill out this
communication inventory separately, then share your results - as teammates!
_ 13)
Discuss
and illustrate
(a) the idea of communication "
Then (b) evolve a family language
for discussing your bubbles in important and conflictual conversations (e.g.
"I feel excluded from your bubble right now." / "I'm aware our bubbles
are focusing on the future, rather than the present moment.").
_ 14)
Clarify the
rules
in your
home and stepfamily about praise, appreciation, and validation
- e.g. "We (should) ignore
what pleases us about other members or ourselves, and only focus on
gripes, hurts, and complaints;" and "We (should accept) being uncomfortable giving and/or receiving praise - and we
(shouldn't) talk about this
together." As you know, low self esteem, defensiveness, and disrespect bloom when
kids and adults don't feel genuinely appreciated by others (among other reasons).
And/or you all can...
_ 15)
Read
and discuss
these guidelines for exchanging constructive
feedback
together. Then use them to conduct a "respect safari." Try taking turns at making good eye contact with each person in the
meeting, one at a time, and saying honestly "I
really respect you when _____________." Variation: "I lose
respect for you when ___________ ." Notice what your subselves are
now
_ 16)
Discuss
(a) the difference between
and (b) how faith in a
nurturing (vs. toxic) Higher Power affects family
relationships and nurturance levels. Options: discuss...
-
your ancestors'
beliefs and practices, and...
-
what prejudice,
bias, and bigotry are, and...
-
effective ways of handling strong family (or social)
conflicts over religious
and beliefs. If you
have any such conflicts in your stepfamily, how are you adults handling
them, so far?
_ 17)
Forge strategies to identify and
resolve your stepfamily
values and
conflicts
and relation-ship
together.
Evolve a family language (terminology) to discuss and resolve these
("Hey guys, I'm stuck in the middle of a loyalty conflict!").
Option: ask
someone to volunteer as the family "scout" to spot and alert members to
these stressors in and between your kids' homes.
_
18) Discuss
and illustrate...
-
what household and family
are, and...
-
how
they affect your family's nurturance level. Then discuss...
-
the differences
and similarities of bioparent and stepparent roles,
(and bio-grandparent and step-grandparent roles?), and...
-
traits of an
effective co-parent and/or co-grandparent. Remind your minor kids that
they'll probably take on one or both roles as adults.
_ 19)
Clarify
everyone's (a) needs and (b) expectations about (a)
your roles (responsibilities) as a
bioparent and/or stepparent, and (b) each child's role as stepson,
stepdaughter, and/or stepsibling. Discuss whether a stepparent and
stepchild or stepsiblings have to - or may come to -
love each other.
Note the
difference between a family role and the person who has the role:
"Jeannie's a neat stepmom" really means "I think Jeannie does her
role
of 'stepmother' really well, according to my standards." A wo/man can be
a very worthy person, and not specially skilled as a stepparent.
Options: discuss and rough-draft
simple family
Brainstorm stepparent and stepchild "hero/ines"
and
models: who do you
know that you respect in each of these difficult roles? Why? in
family meetings, you can also...
_ 20)
Discuss
how to
build and keep stepparent - stepchild respect.
Option: print and discuss copies of
this
article. Avoid using such a
meeting as a complaint orgy, and collect useful insights, suggestions,
and encouragements.
Try to describe specific
behaviors you could record ("I gain respect for you when you listen to me without
interrupting"), vs. generalities like "...when you're nice."
Be clear: this is feedback (respectful information), not criticism! Notice your reaction (inner voices + emotions) to this family-meeting option now. What do you
learn?
_ 21)
Summarize
and illustrate
the
you all are
working to merge and stabilize as you form or expand your stepfamily.
Discuss what problems (e.g. identity, membership, values, loyalty, and role
conflicts) this merger is causing, to whom, and how you all are reacting to
the problems. This builds on many of the topics above.
_ 22)
Review and edit this set of
typical stepchild family-adjustment
needs together,
and clarify (a) what help each of your stepchild/ren need with each them,
(b) from whom.
Options: (a) overview these adult merger-adjustment
tasks; (b) discuss your progress on them so far, and anything that
slows your progress.
_ 23)
Discuss...
-
what attachments
and
(broken bonds)
are, and
-
the levels and phases of
healthy grief. Then discuss...
-
what "blocked grief" is, its effects, and common
of it; and...
-
your
family's (unspoken?)
Doing all this over time is part of co-parent
_ 24)
Discuss
what "child
discipline" means, and how it affects the
of your
.
Seek a common definition of
effective child
discipline, and ask your kids to suggest any way the discipline in
and between their two homes could be improved.
If relevant, discuss how and
when your stepparents should provide discipline and consequences, to whom,
and when. Option: include your non-custodial co-parents in this discussion!
If that's not "practical," see
and these "co-parenting"
articles and
questions for options on reducing co-parent-teamwork
_ 25)
If you
have one or more "ours"
children in your stepfamily, discuss...
-
the similarities and differences
of a biochild and a stepchild,
-
what a "half-brother (sister)" is, and...
-
how it would feel to be one.
-
Option: explore the special
needs of half-siblings (e.g. "why don't I have a stepdad too?") - in
general, or the needs of each half-sibling in your stepfamily.
_ 26)
Discuss
(a) which of
your family members benefit from child
visitations, and (b) how. Then evolve a family definition of an
effective visitation.
Option: start by discussing each affected family-member's
relative to
planning, doing, and stabilizing after typical visitations.
If you don't automatically include
the needs of the adults and kids in each child's "other home," you probably
have significant stepfamily and
(inclusion/exclusion)
conflicts that need resolution.
_ 27)
Create
a "
festival" together.
Start by confirming that everyone understands the difference
between
and anxiety ("worry"). Then
adopt some group-safety rules, like
"We won't criticize ourselves or each other for feeling guilty about
something."
Then ask (vs. demand) each person to identify a current guilt:
"I feel guilty when ____." Try to identify nonjudgmentally what rule
(should, ought, must) s/he feels s/he's breaking.
Discuss how your homes and stepfamily react to guilt (e.g. with secrecy,
defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, ...). How would you like your family to
react? A reason to do this is because guilt can lower self respect,
and stifle wound-healing and true bonding.
_ 28)
Try out the
"Ungame" or
"LifeStories"
together. They're interesting, non-competitive board games which help
people like stepparents, stepkids, and step-relatives get to know
each other in a fun, safe way.These are useful basic topics you could tailor in a series of
family discussions or meetings.
There are dozens of additional topics that might be relevant
to your kids and adults.
For example, each article
here - or question
here - represents one or more topics that might fit your stepfamily
situation. Option: after you've experimented with some of these, ask your
members for suggestions they'd like to focus on. To prime the pump, review
the topics above and these representative stepfamily support-group
topics with them.
_ 29) Discuss the
concepts of family
and
crisis-management policies. Then invite
family members to describe your current policies for each of these, and
whether anyone feels they could be improved. Option - discuss where
your existing policies came from (ancestors, "society," a Holy Book, or
your-selves), and how well they have worked (met everyone's needs), so far.
Status Check
Clarify your stance on having family meetings by reflecting on how you feel
about these statements: T(rue), F(alse), or ? (I'm not sure, or it depends
on ____ ):
All our
family adults are clear enough now on the criteria for an
effective family meeting
(T F ?)
My
partner and I agree well enough now on when a family meeting would be more
productive than individual discussions with our family members (T F
?)
My
partner and I agree on who should lead typical meetings in our home and
, or we know how to
any significant
conflicts on this (T F ?)
All our
co-parents and kids agree that well-led family meetings are helpful to us all (T F ?)
All our
adults are well-prepared to plan and lead effective family meetings now,
or we all are motivated to follow
these suggestions to prepare ourselves
(T F ?)
Our
adults can (a) name the
three types
of family
meetings now, and (b) generally know when to use each type (T F
?)
Our
co-parents are all clear now on (a) how to tell if their
is
their
, and (b)
if a
false self is leading (T F
?)
All our
co-parents are (a) aware of the seven
communication
, and (b) how to use
them to spot and solve typical
and
conflicts, and
relationship
(T F ?)
Pause and reflect on why you
read this article - did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need
now?
Recap
Family-life educators, "common sense," and many well-intentioned
authors urge
separated, divorcing, and stepfamily co-parents to hold "family meetings" to
prevent or resolve "problems" and "build unity."
Because of their mix of these five
widespread
most well-meaning
co-parents don't know how to hold effective family meetings.
This two-page article...
-
defines an
effective family meeting,
-
proposes why
such meetings are hard to do well in typical
stepfamilies,
-
outlines how
co-parents can prepare to conduct effective meetings,
-
offers
suggestions for successful meeting outcomes, and...
-
provides a menu of basic family-strengthening topics
based on the
Choosing to (a) learn how and when to call family meetings, and (b) how to
lead them effectively (fill each participant's primary needs well enough),
is part of co-parent
and
