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Common Long-term
Caregiving
Goals of
Effective Co-parents
What co-parents strive
to accomplish
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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http://sfhelp.org/10/co-p-goals.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to
use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic
of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
 Why
This Co-parenting (Project 10) Series?
There are four reasons. First, my clinical experience since 1981
suggests
~80%+ of typical U.S. stepfamily co-parents come from unintentionally
childhoods. Their own caregivers were often
uninformed, psychologically-
women and men who
did the best they could, with limited information and training in effective parenting.
Average co-parents
don't know what they don't know about the astonishingly
complex job of raising minor children in divorcing families or stepfamilies "well."
Second,
average minor stepkids often have
~35
concurrent, special family-adjustment needs to fill, on
top of their daunting challenge of growing up
in the warp-speed
new millennium. Co-parents need to intentionally hone their awareness of these tasks, and
their caregiving skills and goals, to help guide their kids successfully into stable,
serene independence in the new century.
Third, the alien
roles of stepmother
and stepfather have well over two dozen environmental
differences
from traditional biomother / biofather
roles. Among many implications, this
means that child discipline is significantly
different in typical multi-home stepfamilies. Because there are few informed
stepparenting "schools" yet, and no widely-accepted stepparenting norms,
adults trying to excel at these "jobs" - and their partners - need clear
information, steady encouragement, and informed
Fourth,
typical stepfamilies have from
co-parents in two or three related
homes, trying to
differing
child-rearing styles, priorities, and values over time into a steadily
nurturing environment for their dependent kids. This is typically a far more
complex a challenge than faced by average biofamily parents!
This series of co-parent
articles
provides...
-
A
self-assessment quiz about
effective parenting
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A summary of
four concurrent sets of needs that typical minor kids of parental divorce or death
and re/marriage need informed help to fill;
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A checklist of basic parenting goals
(this page);
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Proposed ideal personality traits of effective parents.
How many do you have?
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An overview of the major environmental
differences between traditional bioparenting and stepfamily co-parenting;
-
A co-parenting values-clarification
worksheet;
-
A "job" checklist to help you sort out which co-parent is
"supposed" to do what, for each of your dependent kids;
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Useful
affirmations for uncertain and
overwhelmed co-parents; and....
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A set of ideas and tools to promote
effective discipline with stepfamily kids.
These are all integrated in the Project-10
guidebook
Build an Effective Co-parenting Team After Divorce and/or Remarriage
(Xlibris.com, 2002).
Basic Parenting Goals
A biological parent is a
person who
co-conceives a new human being. For our purposes,
a co-parent is any adult who
chooses to take on the role-responsibility for protecting, guiding, and nurturing
a genetic-ally-related or unrelated dependent child, over time.
In this sense,
"co-parent"
or "stepparent" is a role (a set of
goals, responsibilities, and rules), not a
person. Ideally, men and women who choose the
role of co-parent find ongoing
satisfaction in trying to fill the basic needs of each child in their care. Before
looking at effective stepfamily co-parenting, let's explore key
goals,
and personal adult traits, related to successful parenting in general.
Since the early 1980's, fresh perspectives on
"effective parenting" have emerged from the U.S. "Inner child
/ Adult Child / Dysfunctional Family" movement. The ideas below reflect this. They're offered as
thought- provokers, rather than claiming to be comprehensive, or right.
Note which
of these goals you agree with, which you'd redefine, and which don't fit for you.
Also: which of these did you get? Give? Which evoke the strongest feelings
in you? Why? Discussions of these with your co-parenting partner/s
can be very helpful...
Premise: An
effective
co-parent consistently guides each of their dependent
children toward eventually...
-
developing a well-functioning
led by an unhindered
and...
-
Leaving their home with tolerable anxiety, and becoming...
-
A balanced, healthy, self-responsible, self-nurturing, "happy,"
productive adult neighbor and citizen, who may choose to...
-
Become a successful mate and an effective co-parent themselves.
This two-decade process involves filling a mosaic of
changing physical, emotional,
and mental
needs in each growing child
("nurturing"), and helping them develop up to 21 things like
these:
1)
A clear, healthy
sense of personal identity and
"This is who I am; what I like,
need, believe, and hope for; and how and where I differ from you." This
parenting goal includes developing the child's abilities to clearly say "No,"
"Yes," "Stop," and "I want and need..."
(a) without great
anxiety, guilt, or shame, and (b) with respect for other peoples' equal
rights and boundaries;
2) The unshakable
belief "I am lovable, valuable, unique, and important in the world, simply because I'm
Me. I
matter!" - i.e. effective co-parents help kids to value their own worth, dignity, wants, needs,
ideas, dreams, and feelings as being
as (not more important than)
any other person's.
This implies patiently helping each small child, who first feels weak,
"dumb," clumsy, and dependent, to eventually replace their normal feelings of
shame, inadequacy, and self-doubt with healthy self respect and realistic
self confidence;
3) Healthy core
values
that the child grows to believe, can name, and uses as guides for
safe, satisfying daily living and growth. These may include honesty, diligence; courage; creativity;
Self care is good; respect my Self and others equally; sensitivity; balance work, play,
and rest daily; honor; try new things; nurture others and our Earth; and many more...
And (I further propose) effective parents help their dependent kids...
4) Build stable
trusts...
in the reliability and validity of their own perceptions
and competencies;
that caregivers, most authorities, and true friends will
consistently support (vs. attack, use, abuse, or ignore) them;
and...
that the world is generally a safe place, where there's
usually enough. This parenting goal also includes developing a
child’s independent abilities to...
-
decide "Who merits my trust?," and to...
-
act on that, without undue
fear, anxiety, or shame.
5) Develop each child’s
(a) awareness and appreciation of their own unique
talents and gifts; and (b) motivation and ability to keep developing these
gifts on their
own and to (c) use them productively in the world;
More proposed goals of
effective co-parents: help minor kids to...
6) Grow
(a) positive
self esteem, (b) a healthy, realistic self-image, and (c) realistic self confidence, based on their
growing skills, achievements, and limitations;
7) Accept
their inevitable limitations and failures without undue frustration, guilt, or shame,
and learning to see most "mistakes" as chances to learn;
8) Grow
steady
faith that (a) their life has real meaning, definable purposes, and attainable objectives,
and (b) there is a benign (vs. conditionally-loving or punitive)
in the
universe providing reliable guidance and support in times of trouble and peace;
9)
Grow
skills in
learning,
and
effectively. These
include: (a) the art of comfortably giving and receiving merited praise, and
(b) having a
reasonable tolerance for normal
and interpersonal
conflicts; and help your minor kids to...
10) Grow
humility and
non-arrogant pride in their personal uniqueness and achievements, and equally
valuing and accepting of these in others. This implies that an effective parent
doesn't require their child to be a clone or god/ess;
And over time, effective
parents strive to grow in each child...
11) Inner
permission to clearly express current thoughts, feelings, and needs
- with discretion, and without undue anxiety,
This implies
teaching a child how to...
12) feel, manage,
and safely express emotions like
fear,
confusion, lust, embarrassment and shame, frustration, guilt, sorrow, and hurt;
and to grow...
13) The
ability to
their
inevitable life losses (broken bonds) well, on all
three levels; and effective
parents help their kids grow...
14) (a)
Interest in, and (b) reverence for, our biosphere (vs. abuse or indifference); and the motivations and
abilities to (c) learn how the world works, and to (d) apply their learnings
constructively, within their limits;
15) Appreciation
and healthy self-care of their mind, spirit, and body, no matter what it's
form. This includes learning and Self-motivated practice of healthy personal hygiene,
nutrition, and balanced rest, work, and exercise;
16) The abilities
to socialize and cooperate willingly and harmoniously with selected others, without
their own
And an effective parent tries to help each of their children learn to...
17) Seek and
accept help when needed, without resentment or feeling like an imposer, wimp,
or weakling; and learn how to...
18) Build healthy
(vs. toxic) relationships with nurturing others, based on mutual love, trust, respect,
and support rather than neediness, fear, control, or power. This includes nurturing each
child's ability to exchange true
intimacy, which depends partly on
courage to risk rejection and
abandonment...
19) Accept
and appreciate themselves as
and sexual beings, and consistently
practice
behaviors and limits in each;
20) Be clear on what masculinity
and femininity are in themselves and others in their culture, and to be comfortable with their own
and gender preference. This
implies helping each child learning "What do (healthy) grown women and men do (in
many situations), and how do I get to be like that safely?";
21) (a)
Be aware of and
clear on the process, responsibilities, stages, realities, and joys
of conceiving
and/or parenting children; and (b) grow a high integrity and commitment to raising their
own kids (if any) toward many of these basic parenting goals.
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22) The overarching
goals of effective co-parents are to patiently guide each child's
to (a) trust the
child's developing
(capital
"S") to
make effective life decisions, and to (b) let go of depending on others'
ruling subselves to make their decisions for them. This is the core of
developing genuine adult self-responsibility, and the
essence of what it means to "grow up." Restated:
effective co-parents guard their
children against developing false-self
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+ + +
I propose that these are
typical goals that effective parenting adults may have for each minor child in
their care. Have you ever seen such specific targets in one place before? How do
you feel? Would you edit or delete any of them?
If you rewrote this list and made it yours,
you'd have the draft of a valuable parenting
to guide you, and to tell others clearly what you're trying to do.
Because stepfamilies usually feel alien and confusing, evolving such a statement of aims
can help everybody, short and long term!
The goals above apply to any adult in the role of child-caretaker. Consider
these...
Additional Stepfamily
Co-parenting Goals
In typical divorcing families and stepfamilies, co-parents have a complex set of extra goals,
based on the unique mix of special needs of
each dependent child. In typical divorcing families and step families, the definition of "effective
co-parent" expands to "An adult who chooses to share
responsibility for guiding custodial and visiting minor kids to
successfully fill their developmental
+
+ one to four sets of
family-adjustment needs, over many years."
Adult stepchildren and co-parents
have different mosaics of needs.
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The (long) list of caregiving
goals above suggests why family-life
experts believe effective par-enting is among the toughest, most important, and
ultimately most
rewarding of all human endeavors. This importance is socially magnified, because every
grown child impacts a great fan of hundreds of people in their own and later generations. |
How do you think each child in your life is doing
with each of these factors? What were the key goals of the
adults who raised you, and how have they affected you across your years? What do you suppose
to
children who don’t get consistent, loving adult help (nurturance) developing many of these
abilities and traits? Do you know anyone who didn't?
Meditate on
these wise observations about kids. Then...
 Continue
by reviewing a set of personality
traits of effective parents. Do they describe you?
Your other co-parents and key relatives?
+ + +
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Updated
August 25, 2008
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