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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Personality Traits of
Effective Co-parents
How Many of These Do Your
Adults Have?
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is one of a
series of articles on
forming an effective co-parenting
team.
Another article offers a checklist of proposed child-rearing
goals common to all parents.
Other articles overview reasons why stepfamily co-parenting usually feels very different from traditional biofamily parenting,
and definitions of an effective co-parent
and stepparent.
 Personality Traits Of Effective
Co-parents
Achieving most of these child-raising
goals and dozens of tasks takes caregiving adults up to two decades of loving, patient, creative work
with each unique child. For long-range success, the process calls for an amazing array
of parental skills and traits. Few parents have all of these all the time.
I don't claim this to be a definitive or authoritative compilation. I want
to provide a structured way you partners can get clearer on (a) what
traits you think are important in effective child-raising, (b)
which of them you and your partners have, and (c) which you want to develop. See if you see
your Self and/or your co-parenting partners here...
Ideal Personal Traits
of
Effective
Parents
|
_
- usually
by his or her
|
_ Unconditionally loving of
themselves and others |
_ Enjoys
raising children |
|
_ Committed; dependable |
_ Flexibly consistent |
_ Trustworthy and honest |
| _
Sensitive; comfortable with emotions;
empathic |
_ Discriminating |
_ Self
and Self caring |
|
_ Genuine; real (vs. phony or plastic) |
_
aware and growing |
_ Sexually healthy and
balanced |
| _ Genuinely tender, nurturing, and gentle |
_ Decisive;
tough when needed |
_ Courageous,
confident, and
|
|
_ Spontaneous and playful |
_ Imaginative and creative |
_ Patient; resilient |
| _ Empathic, genuine listener |
_ Realistically positive |
_ Humorous; fun |
|
_ Willing to seek
and learn new ways |
_ Cooperative within limits |
_ Accepting with limits; forgiving |
| _ Able to
naturally
and well |
_ Often clear on key values and goals |
_ Genuinely affirming
and validating |
|
_ Knows and accepts his/her own limits without
undue
|
_ Often comfortable saying and hearing "No" |
_ Willing and able to let go of control
along the way... |
| _ Avoids using kids to fill their personal adult
needs |
_ Balances their
parenting and other Life priorities well enough |
_ Comfortable setting and enforcing
with kids |
|
_ Responsible; Accountable |
_ Capable of
(attaching) to others |
_ Open to positive criticism and feedback |
| _ Kind; Friendly |
_ Knowledgeable and wise |
_
and talking: focused |
|
_ Respectful and respectable |
_ Self-sacrificing - at times |
_ Reasonably organized |
| _ Clear on their parenting objectives |
_ Well into true
, if
s/he is a significantly-injured
(GWC) |
Notice the similarities between these personal
qualities and the proposed set of effective- parenting goals? Think of someone you see as an effective
parent. Do they have many of these traits? What would the adults who
raised you say about these traits?
Does this group of (ideal) traits seem
realistic to you? Which would you change or omit? Add? How would you rank these in
importance? How would your parents react to the goals and traits proposed
here? Could someone achieve most of the child-raising goals (prior page) without
many of these personal qualities?
Few caregivers have all or
even most of these characteristics, or have individual traits consistently. Any parenting adult can
develop many of them, with time and dedication. Chances for a girl or boy to experience
and grow many of these traits rise when there are several
adult caregivers steadily in her/his life, including special
relatives, teachers, neighbors and stepparents. This can be a major benefit of being
in a stepfamily!
As you know,
parenting adults must learn
and perfect their role as they go - there's no way to practice. They can't really
judge their overall child-raising success until their kids are grown and
perhaps parents themselves, though there
are usually major clues along the way.
In this sense, first-born children are at some
disadvantage, through no fault of their parents.
This is one reason that having
effective grandparents and other veterans coaching (vs. directing) new parents along the
way can be an enormous help to all...
|
Premise: the more of these
traits that the adults in any home and family with minor children
have, the higher their
is apt to be. An equally important factor is how
knowledgeable the
adults are about (a) kids' developmental
and special needs and (b) how to help fill
them effectively toward healthy independence. |
Notice without judgment what
you're
now. Do you focus on someone's parenting strengths or
shortcomings? Whose? Take some time to really reflect now... What are
you learning?
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
 Continue with
co-parent
by learning of the dozens of environmental differences that make stepfamily co-parenting
specially complex, confusing, and challenging.
+ + +
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Updated
September 19, 2008
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