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for high-nurturance families and relationships
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Co-parenting
Inventory: Which
Adult
Is Responsible For What?
A resource for negotiating
effective
family "job descriptions" -
p.1 of 4 by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/10/co-pinv1.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
These
four Web pages augment the Project-10 guidebook
Build a Co-parenting Team
after Divorce or Re/marriage (Xlibris.com, 2002).
 Why This Worksheet?
A typical
stepchild can have one or two living bioparents, and one or two stepparents (i.e. two to four
co-parents), and maybe others, telling them what to do, when, and
how.
In blended or complex stepfamilies (both mates have prior biokids)
children can have five or more
co-parents in three or more related homes. A day-care child has even more
adult
care-givers.
Premise:
stepfamily co-parenting works best for everybody over
time if all the active co-parents agree clearly on...
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specifically
what they're trying to do for each child,
and...
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who's responsible for
(a) what, (b) with whom, (c) how, and (d) when.
This
works best when
co-parents are willing to negotiate these together. Typical divorced bioparents often find this
very hard because of a range of
This stresses their kids, stepparents, relatives, and
school staffs.
The four-page length of this worksheet
implies the complexity of the
shared co-parenting responsibilities in an average two or
Average
step-adults and their minor kids have many extra personal tasks, compared to
counterparts in a
intact biofamily. Tasks in italics below are
usually not needed, or are significantly different, in typical intact biofamilies.
How
to Use This Worksheet
Prepare: to get the most from your effort here, each
of you three or more co-parents first review "What's
a Healthy Family?", and all
Project 10 Web pages. Then...
If you have a stepfamily
reread it. If you don't - draft one!
If there
are one or more legal
that shape your answers here,
provide current copies for all co-parents. If someone resists, investigate respectfully
what they're afraid of, and why. The seven
you began developing in
can be a great
help.
Print
a copy of the four parts of the worksheet for each
of your stepfamily kids. Because each is unique, your co-parenting team will
have different goals for each child. Use colored markers to hi-light key items. Make
notes or comments as you go.
Find an undistracted place and allot at least 30" or
more to reflect on these questions. Fill out copies of this worksheet
alone,
to avoid skewing your answers. Try seeing this time as a long-range
investment in
a priceless asset.
Adopt a long-range point of view
- e.g. the next 15 or 20 years: you're
planning a complex project that will take you all many years! Imagine clearly your
focus child as an independent young adult. Picture thoughtfully how you want them to be as
a person then.
Take
your time: each of your kids is relying on you to do so!
If you begin to feel overwhelmed, recall "Average stepfamily co-parents like us
take five or more years to organize and stabilize these many ongoing co-parenting
goals together..." You all are evolving a vital co-operative plan, not a
black/white legal decree.
Perspective: what you co-parents agree on (or don't)
here, and implement over time, will determine your team's long-term success
at breaking the (probable) ancestral
of unintended
dominance and
No one else on Earth can do this but you all.
Your results will greatly affect an expanding fan of future relatives...
-
Meditate and sense who
leads your team of subselves
now - your
or
"someone else"? If the latter, expect distorted results from this
exercise.
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Write co-parents' first names or initials over each column below:
"BP"
= bioparent, "SP" = stepparent, and "Other" = other
co-parents. Edit and change these items and pages to fit the uniquenesses of your
stepfamily situation. Make these pages work for you all!
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Consider journaling about your thoughts, emotions, and
images as you fill out the worksheets, or soon afterward. The process of doing
these sheets may be as valuable as the results...
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When all your co-parents have filled out copies for each child,
then come together and compare and discuss your results
as caregiving teammates, not competitors. You may not be buddies,
and
you're all aiming for the same goals!
-
Let your kids know what you're doing and why. Teach
them the main results. Show these worksheets to key relatives, teachers, and relevant
family-support professionals. Typically, non- steppeople greatly underestimate the
scope and complexity of your co-parenting
merger-adjustment tasks, and
responsibilities...
-
Use this worksheet as a guide in evolving
effective
co-parenting
for your
stepfamily, over time. Major topical sections are hilighted.
Thoughts
as I start this important project...
Our Co-parenting Goal / Activities |
Who should be responsible for making this goal with (child's
name) _________________________? |
Names / Initials  |
BP1 |
SP1 |
BP2 |
SP2 |
Child |
Other |
Co-parenting Basics |
| Learn specifically what
factors promote a
("functional")
family.
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| Accept that we're all in a normal, unique,
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| Accept that (a) each of our kids' living bioparents,
and (b) their present and future mates - are
in our
stepfamily. |
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| Learn (a) what's
normal
in average stepfamilies, and (b) how they differ from
typical intact bio-families. |
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| Get clear on the specific traits of healthy,
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| Learn clearly how stepparenting and traditional
bioparent-ing
differ (in
~40 ways!) |
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| Learn (a) the specific 30 - 50+ unique
adjustment needs of minor stepkids, and
(b) how they
apply to each of our kids |
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Our
Co-parenting Goals / Activities |
Who should
be responsible for making this goal with: (child's name)_________________________? |
Names /
Initials
|
BP1 |
SP1 |
BP2 |
SP2 |
Child |
Other |
Co-parenting Basics - (continued) |
| Evolve and use a meaningful co-parenting
together |
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| (a) Evolve, (b) negotiate, and
(c)
use clear, compatible co-parenting
for each of us |
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| (a) Design and (b) manage family
vacations and
outings |
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| Develop an effective
way to
and
our key co-parenting conflicts |
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| (a) Negotiate and (b) implement
a multi-home child-discipline policy |
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| Get
co-parenting
help promptly when needed |
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| Keep key others informed of what we're all trying to do
together |
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| Basic co-parenting responsibilities for this unique child:
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| Steadily _ feel and _ show
unconditional
love |
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| Steadily _ feel and _
show conditional
respect |
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learn this child's
fears, dreams, feelings, hopes, and needs |
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| Be a loyal _ companion, _ friend,
and _ playmate |
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| Give merited praise and recognition
often |
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| _ Feel and _ show honest affection |
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| Give healthy _ touching,
_ hugs, and _ kisses |
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| Encourage and guide this child, rather than criticize and
shame |
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| Protect this child from
dangers, and
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Guard
this child against re/divorce trauma |
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 Continue with page 2 of this
co-parenting-responsibilities worksheet...
page 3
| page 4
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Updated
June 24, 2008
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