• home > site overview > site map, directory, or search > Q&A, Project-10 index, Solutions article, or other page > here

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/10/discipline1.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

  What's The Problem? 

        A stepfamily initially includes at least one minor or grown living child, one of their biological parents, and a full-time or part-time stepparent. Sometimes, each co-parent brings one or more kids to the new family. With time, a re/married couple may have kids of their own. After divorcing, both bioparents may remarry, and their existing child/ren may then have four or more adults in two homes telling them what to do, when, and how.

       In any of these cases, stepkids experience one or two "new" adults who gradually or suddenly begin to "discipline" them. For various reasons, this promotes three common stressors: significant values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. If the co-parents aren't able to problem-solve these effectively, they and other role and relationship problems can lead to psychological or legal re/divorce trauma for everyone.


  This Series...

       ...provides a seven-page framework to help avoid and resolve significant problems over child-discipline in typical stepfamilies. The framework includes:

• A summary of child-discipline basics, including a definition of effective child discipline;

• 21 reasons child-discipline in stepfamilies is different than in typical intact biofamilies;

• Perspective on why "child-discipline conflicts" can seriously stress re/marriages;

• General and stepfamily-unique child-discipline guidelines;

• A worksheet to help co-parents identify and compare their child-discipline values and styles; and...

• Options for solving common problems with stepfamily child discipline.

        Note that this article on effective child-discipline and others are integrated in the guidebook for co-parent Projects 8-12, Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily. It's one of a series. 

        Pause and reflect: try saying out loud why you're reading this article: what do you need? Option: use the following sections as checklists to note your adults' child-discipline strengths, and areas that you want to improve. 

        Let's start at the beginning. See how the following compares with what your co-parents believe...


  Five Elements

        "Discipline" comes from disciple, which meant learner to ancient Latin-speakers. In a family context, child discipline is a process which generally aims to (a) promote household and family order and harmony, and (b) teach young people how to conduct themselves in society when they live on their own.

        In any family, co-parents, kids, and observers can judge the process from "very ineffective" to "consistently effective," depending on whose needs are well-filled or not. In most (all?) families, the role of "active co-parent" usually includes the responsibility to provide "effective child discipline."

        Your child-discipline process is composed of...

• A set of (a) adult values and (b) related behavioral rules (shoulds, ought to's, have to's, and musts), and...

• stated or implied consequences for minor children; 

• which may be enforced or not;

• respectfully or not; by one or more adults. 

       Each of these factors can promote harmony or serious problems in a nuclear stepfamily and re/marriage. To understand effective discipline, let's review... 

  Six Long-term Child-discipline Goals

       I've met many (harried) co-parents who couldn't clearly describe why they "did" child discipline. Before reading further, review your answer to "Why do parents discipline their kids?" Then compare that to these reasons...

to teach each minor child that their actions have consequences which they're responsible for and can control;

to help maintain order, harmony, and security in the home and family;

to enhance the self and mutual respect of children and parents;

to protect the inexperienced child (and property and other people) from harm;

to model how parents lovingly guide, protect, and care for minor children, and... 

to show the child (vs. tell) that healthy people have limits to what they'll tolerate (boundaries), and what happens when these limits are exceeded.

       Would you change this list of goals? Can the discipline process be effective if it lowers someone's respect? How would each co-parent and co-grandparent in your family rank these in importance? Would your child/ren be surprised at any of these ideas? Notice that the bold-italics words above have a positive flavor, vs. possible child discipline goals like "... to punish my child..." or  "...to make my child..."  


  What Is Effective Child Discipline?

       Often, busy or distracted parents don't clarify their own values and goals for setting behavioral limits and consequences with their kids - specially if their parents weren't clear on those. So many co-parents settle for just "Maintain order in our home."

        They may get this objective, but at the high cost of their kids' self- esteem, mutual respect, and/or family harmony. The wry title of David Campbell's book paraphrases your child-discipline possibilities: "If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else."

       How do you know if the child discipline in your family is "working well?" The answer varies by national, local, and biofamily cultures and adults' personalities. Your answer depends on your definition of the aims of discipline. If you accept the six goals above, then effective child discipline is "When we meet these goals enough of the time." Another definition: "When each affected family member consistently feels their main primary needs are filled well enough."

Option: reflect, and say your definition of "effective child discipline" out loud now. Then keep it in mind as you read...

        Do you think limit-and-consequence setting with kids is the same in all families? See what you think after exploring these...

  Stepfamily Child-discipline Is Different 

        Because typical multi-home stepfamilies (a) are far more complex than intact one-home biofamilies, and have many alien new (b) roles and (c) merger -adjustment tasks to negotiate, effective child discipline is often harder to maintain. Consider these individual differences and their collective implications... 

        1)  Disciplining stepkids involves your child or my child or grandchild, rather than our child. This inevitably breeds stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Healthy intact biofamilies have these too, but they're less complex and less frequent.

        2)  Bioparents (usually) discipline their children without fear of being lastingly rejected by them. Their relationship bond is not at stake. Most stepmoms and stepdads are often anxious about rejection by their custodial or visiting stepkids, which is a realistic possibility. This anxiety is specially likely for insecure stepparents often controlled by a false self.  

        3)  Remarrying co-parents choose each other, primarily - specially if a bioparent is non-custodial. Normally, stepkids' opinions about bringing a new adult into their home/s and family aren't given equal weight - which often feels unfair and disrespectful. Residual hurt and resentment can taint their response to the most respectful stepparental discipline.

4) A stepparent may not like or respect a stepchild, and/or vice versa. Where so, this makes effective child discipline hard - specially if the stepparent and/or stepchild believes s/he must love the person in the other role! Few intact biofamilies experience this.

        5)  Co-parents' co-habiting often forces an "instant" merger of child-discipline rules, values, and priorities from each adult's prior families - including absent-parent families. This is far more stressful than the gradual evolution of shared discipline rules and values in typical intact biofamilies.

        This sudden merger can be specially stressful to everyone if (a) one of the co-parents has never parented (at all / a boy /a girl / a teen) before, and (b) the partners have blissfully assumed they don't have to discuss and problem-solve this vital topic before cohabiting. This is specially likely with courting couples who minimize or ignore their stepfamily identity and what it means.  

        6)  A re/wedding (commitment) ceremony often causes significant changes in co-parents' and kids' expectations about child guidance and limit-setting. For example: "Yesterday, I was your Mom's boyfriend. Today I'm your stepfather. Now I have the responsibility, the authority, and the right to discipline you, but I didn't yesterday." Thus child discipline may not have been a significant problem to anyone during courtship, and may become one literally overnight. This is specially likely if a stepparent tries to force major limit-setting or consequence changes quickly, disrespectfully, angrily, anxiously, and/or rigidly.

        Recall: we're reviewing 21 ways stepfamily child discipline differs from average intact-biofamily discipline... 

        7)  If regular and/or special child visitations are involved, kids and co-parents may experience three conflicting sets of child-guidance rules: (a) the kids' biofamily, and the (b) the custodial and (c) non-custodial stepfamily homes. This may get more complex, considering the added child-discipline rules in active bio- and step- relatives' homes. And...

        8) Unless a bioparent died, child-discipline (and other child-related) arguments often fuel ex-mate hostilities. If the stepparent tries to intervene on their mate's or a stepchild's behalf, s/he may be regarded as "interfering" by any or all, and tensions can escalate. This is specially hard on typical kids, who can feel caught in triangles and lose-lose loyalty conflicts they can't understand or resolve. Typical intact biofamilies have no equivalent of this dynamic. And...

        9)  Bioparents may "under-discipline" (be "too lax") by a stepparent's or others' standards - a values conflict. This can happen because (a) an over-busy custodial bioparent wasn't able to provide balanced discipline before co-ha\biting; (b) they may have significant guilt over the pain and disruption of their biofamily separation, and instinctively not want to add to their child/ren's burdens; and (c) because typical bioparents are often more tolerant of their own kids' behavior than a new stepparent - specially if the latter has never parented before. And another difference is... 

        10) When stepparents feel the bioparent's child-guidance is "lax," the new adult can feel they "must" become the major rule-maker and/or enforcer. This guarantees recurring relationship triangles and loyalty conflicts. These often conflict with a stepparent needing to be liked and accepted by their stepkids, and often promotes increasing resentment and frustration at "always being the bad guy." Stepparents can also come to resent that they "must" do one or both bioparents' job, though no one asked them to. A high-risk version of this occurs when a stepmom is left at home with her stepkid/s while her husband works elsewhere.

        11) Stepparents can feel left out, unimportant, and hurt if not invited to participate in, or not supported by their partner in, child-care efforts. Conversely, stepkids can resent their bioparent's authorizing their stepparent to set limits and enforce consequences for them. This is specially likely where (a) one or more stepfamily members hasn't grieved their major family-adjustment losses (broken bonds) well enough, and/or (b) a stepchild hasn't finished "testing" well enough.

      We're half done reviewing 21 ways typical stepfamily child-discipline is environmentally different than in intact biofamilies. How are you doing with all these? Were you aware of all these factors? Here are 10 more... 

        12) Bioparents trying to please their kids and new mate can send confusing, stressful double messages like "I want you to share in disciplining my kids" and "I don't like what you're doing, or how you're doing it." This is usually a sign of significant false-self wounds. See Projects 1 and 2.  

        13) Stepkids over three or four are likely to resent and/or resist discipline by new adults at first, regardless of how "fair" or justified. This can be specially tough in homes where (a) a stepparent is caring full time for their partner's child/ren, and/or (b) where the stepparent is insecure and gets hooked into lose-lose power struggles with a stepchild. It's normal for minor kids in any new environment to test prevailing rules: "Will they be enforced? By whom? How? How much power do I have here?"

        14) Because new-stepfamily adults' child-discipline values, rules, and styles usually differ, significant values conflicts are almost inevitable - e.g. "You're unrealistic and overstrict about Nicole's homework!" "No way! You're too soft - look at her grades." Typical kids are quick to sense this and use such conflicts to their own advantage, adding to the uproar. And...

        15) Even if co-parents feel OK about the balance of stepfamily child-discipline responsibility, stepkids and stepsibs will often bitterly claim that one or more co-parents "aren't fair." This is true in any family, but it often feels more confusing and stressful in typical stepfamilies. That's often because co-parents (specially stepparents) aren't yet clear enough on what their jobs (roles) are and/or how to do them "right."  And also...

        16) In some re/marriages, older stepchildren can be close to the age of their stepparent. This can cause awkwardness and role confusion about parental guidance and household rule-making and enforcing. Reducing these and requires adults' true Selves in charge + realistic stepfamily expectations + effective communications + clear, realistic stepparent job-descriptions. 

        The last five differences between stepfamily and intact-biofamily child discipline are... 

        17) Even if remarrying adults and their step/children reach acceptable compromises on child discipline, bio-grandparents can misunderstand / resent / disagree with / be fearful of the way the new adult "is raising our grandchild." This is likely to be communicated no matter how sincerely the grandparents wish to let their child run her/his own life.

        When true, this puts their adult son or daughter in the middle of a complex loyalty conflict. This can be specially difficult if the grandparents are close with their former son or daughter-in-law, who will always be their grandkids' "other parent." Similar values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles can arise with aunts, uncles, and cousins, too. 

        18) If stepfamily child-discipline harmony is achieved over time and then the other bioparent (or a grandparent) remarries, discipline rules and consequences may have to be renegotiated again. This is in the context of your adults and kids merging 16 catagories of things among all your extended biofamilies, over many years.

        19) When one bioparent is dead, children can frustrate a new stepparent by making comparisons like "My real Mom/Dad was never so mean about... (homework, curfew, eating habits, language, church, etc.)" The stepparent can feel frustrated and victimized, being up against a "saint" or "ghost" with whom s/he can never "compete." 

        20) Counselors, therapists, and friends who don't know stepfamily realities may advise re/marrying co-parents to discipline children as in an intact biofamily. Such well-meant advice can increase re/marital and family stress.

        21) Because of the common half-truth  that "stepfamilies are pretty much like biofamilies," the 20 differences summarized above can initially take all members of a new stepfamily by surprise - causing household confusion, doubt, frustration, and tensions. 

Notice how you feel now. Feeling startled and boggled is normal! The point is: child discipline in average multi-home stepfamilies is different in many environmental ways, though the goals and basics of effective child guidance (above) are just the same. Do you agree?

        Pause and reflect: can you summarize what you've learned from reading this? How do these general ideas pertain to your stepfamily situation?

Take a break if you need one. Then continue this Project-10 article with (a) why child-discipline conflicts can cause serious re/marital problems, and (b) general child-discipline guidelines. The last page offers guidelines for stepfamily limit-setting and enforcing.

+ + +

This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful  

<<  Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this articles address  >>

 home  /  site overview  /  directory  /  site map  /  Q&A  /  quizzes  /  solutions  /  site search  /  glossary

  research  /  free course  /  guidebooks  /  NEW  forums  /  resources  /  feedback  and/or  subscribe  /  * copyright info

Updated July 12, 2008