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  The Web address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/10/discipline2.htm

         This is the sixth of seven Web pages focusing on effective child discipline in multi-home nuclear stepfamilies.

  Child-discipline Conflicts Stress Re/marriages 

       A main reason that stepfamily child discipline disputes can weaken a primary relationships is that the bioparent feels trapped in a lose/lose loyalty conflict: Bioparents feel forced to choose repeatedly between supporting their new spouse, and supporting their visiting and/or live-in child/ren. Typically, the stepparent feels guilty about "forcing" this choice, the kids feel anxious and uncertain (or powerful), and each feels resentful if the bioparent in the middle chooses or "sides with" the other.

       If a stepparent accuses their stepchild of "having no manners" or "eating like a cave woman," the bioparent can feel personally attacked ("Oh, so I didn't raise my kid right, eh?") A natural response is to defend their child and/or themselves (and even their ex-spouse), polarizing their home into relationship triangles. These conflicts and triangles hinder stepfamily bonding and stress the new re/marriage each time they happen.

        Another child-discipline dynamic that can strain re/marriages is inclusion. A stepparent may push for his/her new stepfamily members to adopt new discipline values, priorities, and practices. The proposed changes aren't necessarily as important as what they represent: "Respect my (child-discipline) ideas, and include them (i.e. me) in our new family's functioning. If you do, I feel important, valued, and accepted. If you don't, I feel rejected and hurt."

Often, specially with resentful, anxious, and/or curious stepkids "resisting" (i.e. testing), it's easy for everyone to focus on the child-discipline rule being debated, rather than what the rule represents. This is why seemingly "trivial" child-discipline differences between co-parents can cause highly emotional - and increasing - re/marital conflict.

        With this in mind, see how you feel about these...

 General Child-discipline Guidelines 

        I propose that the following points apply in any kind of a family with children. Use this checklist to get clearer on what you and your other co-parents believe... 

        1) Caregivers often guided by their true Selves are most likely to provide consistently-effective child discipline. Co-parents unaware of significant false-self wounds risk providing ineffective or harmful child guidance. See Project 1.

        2) Caregivers who are clear and consistent on...

• Their hi-priority commitment to their responsibilities as a parent,

• What their specific long-range parenting goals are, and...

• How they want to achieve these goals...

...are more likely to provide effective discipline for kids in their care. These three factors promote parenting by objective, rather than by goal-less daily "fire-fighting." 

        3) Caregivers who use these seven communication skills to set limits and consequences with their child/ren are more likely to be effective, short and long term. One key is each adult  consistently believing each child to be a person worthy of equal respect and dignity to themselves - i.e. holding an "=/=" (mutual respect) attitude. Do your co-parents have this attitude?

        4) Co-parents who usually discipline to punish (i.e. to inflict pain and fear), risk seriously shaming their child (core belief: "I'm a bad person") and growing habitual guilt ("I always do bad things.") Also, punishment-based discipline usually increases a child's anxiety ("I'm not really safe here"). That fosters false-self formation, over time - including a People-Pleaser subself which can later promote the stressful adult condition of codependence.

       Disciplining to teach, guide, and protect instills positive self-worth and security, over time. The child perceives "You care enough to endure my protests respectfully, and you - who knows more than I do - will guard me against my hurting myself. Someone wise and caring is in charge of my home/s, and I am safe."

        5) Avoid the perfectionist trap of trying to be totally fair. It's inevitable that (a) you will favor one child a little or a lot, (b) you'll sometimes be inconsistent (even with your wonderchild), and that (c) your judgment will not always mimic Solomon's. It's also inevitable that your standards will vary from your spouse's (and ex-spouse's). Shoot for...

• being as consistent as you can,...

• giving yourself permission to be "perfectly imperfect," and...

• acknowledging your child's complaints honestly - when you don't match his/her standard of perfection - without launching a guilt trip.

If you're unsure about the degree of favoritism or inconsistency you show in your discipline, ask for feedback from adults you trust to be honest and unbiased.

        6) Work to distinguish between requests that you make of your children ("no," "maybe," or "later" are OK responses), and demands (they are not OK responses). You can reduce misunderstandings and squabbling if you firmly assert a limit like "This is not negotiable," when appropriate.

        More general guidelines for effective child discipline...

        7) With "significant" rules and consequences, ask your child to demonstrate that they understand (a) specifically what you expect of them, and (b) the specific consequence you'll provide if they choose to do otherwise. For example, specific feedback sounds like: "So I have to be home by 10:30, or I'll get grounded for next weekend - or I should call you if I'm going to be late because of an emergency." Non-specific feedback sounds like: "OK, OK, I gotta be home on time, or else..." It's hard on parents and kids if the rules or the consequences are fuzzy, ambivalent, or assumed.

        8) Consequences clearly defined in advance are more effective (i.e. they promote the least resentment, resistance, and defiance) than those created on the spot. Do you agree? What did you experience as a child?

        9) If you define a consequence to a child for breaking a household or family rule, make sure the consequence happens, if earned. Kids can get frightened of their own power, and lose respect for their caregiver/s, if they feel they can often con the adult into withholding a justified consequence. A relevant motto is "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." 

        10) Note the two types of discipline consequences: natural ("When you leave your bike outside, I worry that it may get stolen."), and parental ("I sure hope that doesn't happen. If it does, don't expect me to buy you another one.") Which do you feel is more effective, short and long-term? Do you know what's best for the child parents disagree on which type to use?

        11) Try to fit the consequence to the situation. "You forgot to take out the trash again, and I had to do it. You're grounded for the rest of the summer." may win the battle, but lose the war. 

        12) In defining limits and consequences, explain factually how your child's behavior affects you. For instance: "When you leave the back door unlocked or standing wide open, I get scared that someone may come into our house and take something" is more "hearable" than "I don't like it when you're a total jerk and leave the whole house wide open - so don't, you moron!" Build the habit of using respectful "I"-messages.

        More general guidelines for setting effective limits and consequences...

        13) Consider discussing rules and consequences literally on the child's (eye) level. A kid's ability to hear you may shrink if you tower over them, with an angry voice and face (remember?). With younger kids, squat, sit, or kneel to reduce the chance they'll feel intimidated.

        14) If you're really frustrated, weary, or distracted, let intense emotions, abate before confronting a child ("We'll talk more about this after I take a walk.") Kids' (and adult's) ears often stop working when they're significantly scared, guilty, and/or shamed.

        15) Minimize the chance that a disobeying child feels shamed by a (parental, vs. natural) consequence by telling them "I love you, and (not "but"!) I really don't like what you did, just now. I'm feeling frustrated and angry!" In other words, teach kids to distinguish between their self-hood and their actions.

        16) When disciplining, avoid blaming words ("You're so thoughtless / wimpy / yellow / stupid / lazy / dumb / weird / inconsiderate..." etc.) and labels ("you're a nerd / bitch / whore / tramp / liar / sorry excuse / joke / mistake / creep / jackass / jerk / idiot /..."). Using such disrespectful words breeds anxiety, defiance, distrust, and life-crippling false-self wounds. You can protect kids' self-image and still get your point across by (a) getting good eye contact, and (b) firmly saying some version of this... 

• "When you (factually describe their specific behavior, like a news reporter)... 

• "I feel... (describe your emotions without exaggerating and/or guilt-tripping),... 
  

• "because... (factually describe the specific effect of the child's behavior on your life). An optional ending is...
  

• "...and I need you to (take some specific action). If you choose not to, then (describe a specific consequence you intend to enforce.)"

Communication coaches call this kind of assertion an "I" message, because you focus on yourself, not the other person. (a) Expect resistance to your assertion ("You're so mean!  /  "You're never fair!"), (b) demonstrate that you hear the child by respectful empathic listening, and then (c) respectfully re-assert.

        Do you need a stretch break? We're almost done with these general guidelines...

        17) As with all personal conflicts, confront behavioral disputes as soon as you can. Enforcing a consequence two weeks after an incident is far less effective than doing it right away. Among other things, it maximizes the chance that the circumstances blur, letting your child try the "You never said that!" defense. Difficulty doing this usually implies a false self controls the adult.

        18) Expect kids who have broken a rule or agreement to be defensive! When anyone feels criticized, embarrassed, or "wrong," a normal reaction is to explain, divert, rationalize, counterattack, whine pitifully, deny, and so on. Ridiculing or criticizing your child for attempting to protect themselves will promote their being sneaky, guilty, confused, withdrawn, rebellious (or depressed), and ashamed, over time. Respecting their feelings consistently and sticking firmly to the current consequence will help them (a) feel safe and accepted, (b) and be more open to learning the results of their actions, and (c) wanting to change their behavior. Do you agree?

        19) If you feel it's important that a child should learn when and how to apologize, do so yourself. If you never take responsibility for your mistakes and say (and mean) "I'm sorry" - yet you insist that the child do this - you may get what you want, along with confusion, sullenness, disrespect, and resistance. Did your parents apologize sincerely for their blunders and shortcomings? 

        20) Practice preventive discipline by praising compliance and cooperation, if you genuinely feel like doing so. A false compliment is a double message, and is worse than none. Over-praising, too, will dull the effect. Since most shame-based people are embarrassed by praise, it can help to be as specific as possible to reduce the chance they'll discount or minimize your appreciation. For example...

"Jackie, when you cleaned up the kitchen tonight after your friends were over, it saved me from doing it. You were really thoughtful and considerate. Thanks a lot!" 

is much harder to discount (blow off) than...

"Well, your mess in the kitchen was smaller than usual, last night. Maybe there's 
hope for you after all." (an insulting or "negative" compliment). 

+ + +

        Notice how you feel after reviewing these 20 general child-discipline guidelines. Have you ever seen a set of ideas about effective child discipline like this? Did you realize how many factors affect the outcome of setting rules and consequences? If you had listed your own guidelines, would they look like these? How would your parent/s' list have compared to this? Your present and/or former partner/s' list? 

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Updated August 04, 2008