Worksheet: Discover your co-parents' child-discipline values

Project 10 of 12 for high-nurturance families and relationships

Worksheet: Discover Your Child-Discipline Values

Do You Have Major Values
Conflicts to Resolve? - p. 4 of 7

by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/10/discipline-values.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurturance family relationships, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        This is one of four articles focusing on effective child discipline in stepfamilies. The first propose (a) discipline basics, (b) criteria for effectiveness, (c) how discipline in typical stepfamilies differs from "traditional" (biofamily) discipline, and (d) suggestions for effective stepfamily discipline. The third article offers suggestions and options for resolving common "discipline problems" in multi-home stepfamilies. The fourth refines these ideas to fit stepparent-stepchild discipline issues.
       Effective child discipline (setting limits and consequences) is essential to (a) teach kids acceptable social behavior, and (b) provide order in kids' homes and family. Typical stepfamily co-parents have differing styles (values, priorities, and habits) in doing child discipline. Ideally, they'll discover key style-differences before re/marriage. These styles also govern setting and enforcing family roles, rules, and boundaries.
        This worksheet will help you learn about the child-discipline values of you and your co-parenting partners. For more awareness and options, see these articles on:

family roles and rules

effective stepfamily co-parenting

what typical stepkids need

memos from and about your (step)child

effective child discipline, and

resolving values and loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship triangles

To Use This Worksheet...

Print as many copies as you need. Decide if you want to focus on one custodial or visiting child (who?), several, or all.

Do a "Self check" - you'll get the best results if your true Self is guiding your other personality subselves. If not, you have larger problems than "child discipline."

Adopt the open mind of a student - i.e. be open to learning something useful for you all, vs. arming yourself for combat.

Mark each line below with your initial or a symbol ("x") or color, to show how you usually see yourself disciplining your (step)child/ren. The center word below each line tells what the line measures;

Option: re-do the worksheet for the same child/ren using a different initial or symbol, marking how you see your partner's discipline-style factors. This is about awareness, not competing or criticizing!

Have your co-parenting partner/s do the same on separate copies of this worksheet;

Compare and discuss your results as caregiving teammates vs. opponents; and...

Try to agree on (a) which items you need to compromise on together, and (b) how to do that.

Bottom line: would your stepfamily's nurturance level rise if one or more of your co-parents changed something about your child-discipline values and actions? Who? What? If something is in the way - what is it?

Worksheet Options

Have your old-enough kids fill out worksheet copies, and invite their constructive feedback - non-defensively, if you can!

Think of your childhood: Re-do your sheet, marking the lines for each of the adults who parented you. Compare the result with your and or your partner's present styles. What patterns do you see?

Fill out a worksheet (or use your own again) for your stepchild's other bioparent, if alive and involved - and/or your ex-mate. If kids in your family visit or live in two households, try to learn where the rules and consequences they experience are consistent - or aren't.

Do a worksheet on any one-parent homes that preceded your stepfamily. How did the disciplinary style there vary from this household's, and the other bioparent's home? How do the kids react to these discipline-style differences?

Keep these worksheets and review them, say, a year from now to see what changes or progress you've made. And ... try to see co-parents’ conflicting child-discipline values as different rather than right / wrong, or good / bad!
ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x democratic <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> authoritarian ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x consistent <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> inconsistent
ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x aim: learning <- - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - - -> aim: punish ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x very rigid <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> very flexible ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x few/simple <- - - - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> many/complex ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x clear/specific <- - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> vague/general ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x both co-parents give <- - - - RULES - - - - - -> 1 co-parent gives ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x co-parents agree on <- - - - RULES - - - -> co-parents disagree on ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x demands <- - - - - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - - - -> requests ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x specific/clear <- - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> vague/undefined ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x reasonable/"fair" <- - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - -> harsh/"unfair" ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x told in advance <- - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> told on the spot ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 SELDOM NEVER x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x enforced <- - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - -> enforced ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 SELDOM NEVER x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x prompt <- - - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - - -> prompt ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x "Natural" <- - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - -> co-parent-designed ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x Shaming <- - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - -> empowering KIDS ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN KIDS ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x resent/defy <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> agree/accept VERY FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY VERY x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x EFFECTIVE <------------ OVERALL DISCIPLINE ------------> INEFFECTIVE
Add any other style factors like these that affect the effectiveness of the child discipline in your home/s.

Awarenesses...

If you haven't recently, review...

this series of Project-10 pages on effective child discipline,

this summary of what typical stepkids need,

this Solutions article on resolving common stepparent-stepchild discipline problems, and/or...

these articles on resolving values and loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship triangles.

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Updated August 25, 2008