Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

Improve Relations Among
Your Family Members

Practical guidelines that work!

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/10/improve.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles aug-ment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        This article offers practical options for reducing "bad relations" among average family members - specially in low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") families. Options for improving marital relationships are pro-posed here.

Contents

        This article assumes you're familiar with these concepts:

an introduction to normal personality subselves - slides or text;

a summary of six widespread psychological wounds;

an overview of the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle - slides or text;

an example of the cycle stressing a real stepfamily;

options for analyzing and resolving typical relationship problems; and...

options for improving communication outcomes with adults and kids.

Definitions

        If a preteen asked you "What is a relationship'? what would you say? Let's say that a relationship exists between two people when the existence, attitudes, and/or behaviors of one or both affects the other "significantly" in someone's opinion. So "a relationship" is the dynamic process of behavioral in-teraction between two people. The process may be chosen or forced; situational, occasional, or ongo-ing; and range from "very satisfying" to "extremely stressful."  

        Healthy adults, kids, and infants form relationships to satisfy some primal needs for belonging, identity, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, companionship, stimulation, worthiness, and sharing experiences ("love"). When these needs aren't met well enough, we have discomforts - i.e. problems. Our ancestors and current society haven't prepared most adults (like you?) to analyze and resolve relationship and role problems effectively.

        What if the preteen asked you "what is a family?" Here, we'll say "it is two or more people bound together by history, common goals and interests, key interdependencies, and perhaps bonds. Biological families are also bound by shared genes, ancestries, and social roles (e.g. "Mother"), traditions, and laws. 

        Families have existed in all eras, cultures, and animal species because they fill personal and so-cietal needs better than other social groups. That means that family relationship problems are specially disturbing to adults and kids. Do you agree?

        Pause, reflect, and identify who comprises your family now, and the several most important rela-tionship "problems" you all have. Then ponder who's responsible - specifically - to resolve each problem, and what (if anything) hinders effective resolution? Option - if you have kids, wonder what family relation-ship problems they each would describe now...

Three Causes

        From 70 years' life experience and 30 years' professional observation and study, I propose that every family (and other) relationship problem (unfilled need) is caused by:

  • significant psychological ("false self") wounds from low-nurturance childhoods, and...

  • personal and social unawareness and ignorance of...

    • kids' developmental and special needs, and effective co-parenting;

    • effective thinking, communicating, and problem solving basics and skills;  

    • healthy three-level grieving;

    • healthy-relationship and family-system basics; and...

  • social apathy and denial of (a) these factors, (b) how they pass down the generations, and (c) their profound personal and social effects.

To check your knowledge of these topics, try these quizzes and see what you learn. Then see if you agree with this: "Most people (like you) don't know what they don't know, and what that means.":

Surface vs. Primary Needs

        Think of any significant "problems" you have with adults and kids in your family. "Problems" are unmet needs (discomforts). Needs often come in layers, ranging from surface (secondary) to primary. Most people are unaware of this, so they try to resolve their surface problems. These are apt to return over and over again, until people focus on identifying and satisfying their underlying primary needs. 

       Review this illustration of three levels of common personal and family problems. Then use your awareness and this dig-down technique to identify the primary discomforts you feel from your family-relationship problems.

Common Relationship Barries

Are they each symptoms of one or more of these primary human problems?

        Once aware of these interactive primary  stressors, any adult and couple can choose to reduce them and protect their descendents from the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle causing them. 

        Implication: If you have a "problem" with another family member, you're probably stressed by up to seven concurrent surface problems caused by [wounds + unawareness]. This article outlines an effective way to do that. Are you inter-ested?

        Click any barrier for perspective and reduc-tion suggestions.

 

Problem: Personality Traits

        Some relationship problems are caused by personality traits. Think of a family member who "bothers you" and see if any of these apply:

  • addiction

  • aggression

  • arrogance

  • boredom

  • competition

  • defensiveness

  • dishonesty

  • disinterest

  • dislike

  • disrespect

  • distrust

  • guilts

  • hostility

  • immaturity

  • insensitivity

  • indecision

  • inferiority

  • insincerity

  • jealousy

  • "laziness"

  • selfishness

  • sexuality

  • unavailability

  • unreliability

The more of these traits a family adult or child has, the greater the relationship "problem." Since you can't change anyone's personality, your options are limited to choosing how to adapt to stressful traits like these.

        Usually, each of these traits stems from significant false-self dominance and wounds + ignor-ance of effective thinking and communication basics and skills. These merit compassion, not scorn - specially if they apply to you also!. See these strategies for responses to common personality traits.

        Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Could this web of barriers be affecting your family members and putting your descendents at risk? If so, what can your adults do?

Continued....

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Updated September 30, 2008