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of
toward high-nurturance families and relationships
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Make Effective
Co-Parent
Job Descriptions
A Sample Stepfather / Biofather
Job description - p. 2 of 2
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council |
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/10/job1.htm
The
prior page described what co-parent job descriptions are, why they're vital
in most multi-home stepfamilies, and this stepfather/biofather's "1) Basic
Principles." This page continues his four-part co-parenting job description with...
Note that this
description defines two similar and different stepfamily co-parent roles. This
two-role co-parent tries to balance between being general enough to allow
flexibility, and being specific enough to provide clear guidance. Here,
Martha
is this man's wife, Ann's biomother. Rick is Martha's ex husband,
Ann's non-custodial biofather. Alex lives with his single biomother Nina.
Both kids visit their other bioparent periodically.
As you read this, note which parts you agree with and
feel good about, and why - and which you’d do differently. There is
no right way!
Sample Dual-role Co-parent Job Description
(continued)
2) My General Co-parenting
Goals
With Martha, co-provide
a safe and loving home,
with enough clothing, healthy food, spiritual and medical care, comfort, space, laughter,
and peace for us all;
Love Alex, Ann, my adult partners, and my Self
as human beings equally and unconditionally (where possible), and to
be gentle with my Self and them those times that I fail;
Set and enforce clear limits with other
stepfamily members that allow Martha and me our own spaces, privacies, friends, and
interests separate from theirs;
Help both our (and other) kids learn about
our loving
God
and their own
and encouraging them to form their own healthy
beliefs;
Help Alex and Ann discover what their special
personal
gifts are and how to grow and use them in a safe and balanced way;
Help Ann and Alex to grow unwavering Self love,
Self respect, and Self confidence in any life situation; and motivation and
ways to bring these out in others;
Set the best examples for the kids I can by
consistently practicing what I preach. I'm specially dedicated to
showing them with Martha what a healthy marriage looks and sounds like!
Work patiently towards acceptable compromises
when
our former biofamily customs clash with Martha, Ann, and Rick's former ways. This includes my really
to what the others feel and
need, and not forcing my solutions on them;
I want to
learn how to
well,
and help our kids and my co-parenting partners identify and mourn our
respective divorce and
remarriage
Let Martha, Nina, and Rick know clearly and promptly if
I have a co-parenting problem, and then ask their help, and/or resolve it with
them;
Thank Martha, Rick, and Nina for their co-parenting
efforts and support, periodically; and thank the kids when they cooperate, try, or go
above and beyond;
Ask Martha and Rick
periodically if they're feeling enough
co-parenting
from me. If they aren't, learn clearly what they
from me; rather than going through Martha, Nina, or Rick.
I'm responsible for keeping my other three co-parents
partners informed enough;
Merit my own and others’ respect
by
steadily acting on my co-parenting principles. This includes standing up firmly for
my own rights as a person and co-parent, and drawing
clear, consistent
on what behaviors I will tolerate;
Periodically spend fun time with each and both kids
without distractions;
Encourage each child to ask questions, and take
safe-enough risks without
excessive fear!
Take a genuine interest in who Alex and Ann care
about and what they hope for, where I can - and be honest when I can't without undue
guilt. With my partners and their schools, teach Ann and Alex safe practices around
drugs (including food), sex, and money, when that's timely;
Never use the kids to fill my
personal needs, other than
asking for reasonable help in our home;
Get clearer on what "effective
child discipline"
means in our three-home stepfamily, and strive for it cooperatively with my partners.
I want Ann and Alex to always know clearly what our main house rules
are, and what
will happen (consequences) if they choose to not follow them;
If any of us co-parents disagree on house rules,
my goal is to resolve this without catching the kids
Rick and Nina have the
right to choose different house rules than we do - even though
this is hard at times on Ann and
Alex;
Practice our Family Filharmonic Orchestra
regularly - we can be great!
Learn with Martha by February if there's a
stepfamily support group we could try out, and do so;
Don't take my
overlapping jobs as biofather and
stepfather too seriously!
Review this statement at least twice yearly with
Martha, Rick, Nina, Alex, and Ann to keep it current, known, and working.
+ + +
3) My Goals For My Stepdaughter
Ann
This Year
1) Remind myself regularly of the gifts,
joys, and opportunities she brings into my life, to balance the hassles!
2) Watch for chances to validate Ann's achievements, no matter how small.
Let her know clearly I think she's special when I'm feeling that;
3) With Martha, help Ann learn to channel her anger instead of exploding.
If no progress by summer, talk about
for her (all of us?) with Martha and
Rick;
4) Learn "what's normal" (!) from other parents of
12 year
old girls - specially from other step and biofathers, including Dad and Martha's
father;
5) Read at least two how-to stepfathering
books by August;
6) Reduce our hassles about TV limits soon!
7) Don't get hooked in when Martha and Rick disagree over Ann, unless they ask
me for input or support;
8) Stop expecting Martha to discipline the way
I do. Work patiently towards compromises and consistency together;
9) Remind myself when unsure that
I am the co-leader of this home, and as
such, I have equal rights with Martha to provide limits
and consequences for Ann here;
10) Try to accept that - though I do more fathering things than Rick can - Ann's
natural loyalty will be to him. This has little to do with my worth as a person
or in my role as stepfather;
11) Negotiate a compromise about Ann's church attendance
with Martha and her parents. Keep what's best for our marriage
long-range clearly in mind;
12) Rethink my objections to a step-rabbit ...
13) Don't get hooked when Ann accuses me of being
unfair - try to see
her side of this;
14) Split family taxi services with Martha without griping (too much);
15) When we have problems with Ann's
visitations, consider Ann's and
Rick's
with Martha's and mine;
16) Stay informed on Ann's school grades, projects, and activities,
and help where I can. Make an honest effort to go to all parent/teacher conferences with
Martha;
17) Build a "Phantom Five" clubhouse in the back yard with
Ann and her friends by May. See if Rick or Martha want to help;
18) Help Ann and be with her in Indian Princess activities;
19) By 4/31, get clear with my Self, then Martha on whether I’ll
contribute to Ann's college fund. If so, decide when and how much. Tell Rick
and Nina. I want both kids to have an excellent education!
20) By October: think through how I want to provide for Ann, discuss with
Martha, and revise my will. Tell Alex, Nina, and Rick.
21) Give my Self permission to flex on any of these, or add new
goals, as our year unfolds!
+ + +
4) My Goals For My Son
Alex
This Year
1) See or talk to him at least once a week
- and don't try "too hard" when we're together;
2) Remember to tell him often how much I love him and how special he
is, instead of assuming that he knows these;
3) Accept joint responsibility with Nina for working on
healing our
without involving Alex;
4) Work with Nina and Alex toward
of our conflicts on Alex's dental work, weight, allowance, learning to
drive, and smoking. Include Martha's suggestions on each of these;
5) With Nina,
make sure Alex knows clearly, within limits and without
blaming her or me, why we divorced, and why we'll never get back
together. Ask his feelings about these. If he gives them, try to listen non-defensively.
This is really scary!;
6) Enforce healthy limits for Alex along with Martha and Nina, in
spite of the
and sorrow I feel
about his
from our divorce and my remarriage;
7) With Nina, find out about the
Rainbows
program at school, and encourage Alex to participate if he's ready; (note:
"Rainbows" is a supervised peer-support program sponsored by some schools and
churches to help kids of divorce or parental death understand and mourn their
losses);
8) Accept that Alex and Martha don't
love each other the way I
wish they could, and that it's enough to grow mutual respect for now. This is hard!;
9) Remember that Martha's never been a stepmom before, that she's
learning how, and will make mistakes just like I do. Get clear by June on what we each
expect of her as Alex's stepmother. Learn Alex's, Ann's, and Nina’s feelings on this.
I hope Martha writes her own co-parenting job description by midyear;
10) Within limits, tell Alex my daily feelings, dreams, and problems -
informationally, not as a pal, whiner, or dependent. I want him to know what being an
adult man, husband, and father is like, and help him grow healthy images of them;
11) See that Alex, I, Jack, and Dad get some "guy" times
together this year - at least once a quarter. I take responsibility for initiating
this.
12) Stay out of
of Alex and Martha, Alex and Nina, Martha and
Nina, and Ann and Alex when I can. When I can't - and compromises don't work for everyone
- nurturing our marriage will come
before everything but my wholistic health and integrity with me, often enough for Martha;
13) Pay regular and special
financial support on time. Honor my half
of the
Nina and I worked out. Work with her peacefully for change if
it becomes outdated;
14) Help Alex feel truly welcome and a full member of our home when he
visits.
That includes both privileges and chores!
15) When we have problems with Alex's visitations, try to balance his, Nina’s,
and Ann's needs equally with ours;
16) Stay informed on Alex's school grades, projects, and activities.
Attend all parent / teacher conferences with Nina, and his ball games when I can. GO
VIKINGS!;
17) Support Alex's Outward Bound trip in June, and football camp in July.
Coordinate our August vacation plans with Nina with enough lead time.
I freely choose to work hard toward these
co-parenting targets, balanced with the other responsibilities and goals in my life.
I'm (usually) glad
for the chance to do them!
+ + +
Take time to notice your thoughts and feelings
now. Clearly, this man, husband, and co-parent didn't just dash this job
description off without a lot of reflection and soul searching!
What does this document say to you about this man's priorities?
-
How do you think his wife, ex
mate, and Ann and Alex would feel about his writing this?
-
Do you think a job description
like this would stress or strengthen their re/marriage and three-home nuclear
stepfamily?
-
What would help this man use
this declaration regularly? What might hinder him?
-
What if the other co-parents had
similar job descriptions - and used them?
-
How might your life be different
if your parent/s had written and used such a job description? Your
grandparents?
Note that this (long,
detailed) accountability declaration is meant as a guideline, not a legal
decree. Unless this stepfather is a rigid perfectionist, he can aim to meet as many of
these objectives as he can, not all of them, since Life always throws curve
balls. Note that many co-parents' job descriptions would be shorter
than this one, because they wouldn't have both bioparent and stepparent
roles.
 Recall:
This non-profit Break the Cycle! Web site and related
guidebooks propose that courting co-parents-to-be
do
before re/wedding. Drafting a
stepfamily
and
building on it to draft co-parent job descriptions
like this one, starts in Project six.
What's in the way (if anything) of
writing some kind of co-parenting job (role) description like
this four-part sample?
Related
Pages
See also the selected readings on
stepfamilies and co-parenting.
 Continue with pre-re/marriage
Project 7: each courting co-parent honestly answer a set of core
questions before committing
to stepfamily re/marriage.
If you're already re/married, continue with Project
10, or review these stepparent-stepchild
+ + +
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Updated
September 30, 2008
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