"We
want (a) our co-parents and kids to each feel
aware,
accepted and valued unconditionally, harmonious, and hopeful; and to feel (b) united and motivated on a common,
worthy long-term project."
If you adults choose to ignore
getting clear on this question together, my experience is that you risk
hindering or weakening your stepfamily bonds, and stressing your kids
in doing any Project 10 work. How and when you co-parents approach
Project 10 is just as important as what it yields and what you do with the
results! Incidentally, keep in mind that most of the
overlap, rather than stand alone...
First Steps
To begin, your co-parents will
need to evolve clear, consensual answers to...
When should we do this child
needs-assessment?
Who will participate in doing it, and who
will lead?"
Which kids, specifically,
are we going to research?
What training and preparation do we need
to do our needs-assessment well enough?
What specific questions are
we trying to answer?
Who will be responsible for doing
something with our results?
How will we resolve (inevitable)
disputes during this family childcare project?; and...
How can we all optimize our efforts
together, over time?
Suggestions on these...
When
Should We Do Our Child-needs Assessment?
Whether you're courting, newly re/wedded, or veteran stepfamily
co-parents, your young and grown kids need you
adults to begin this needs-assessment now! Every day that passes without you adults (including co-grandparents)
learning your kids' status on their daunting four sets of concurrent
needs increases their risk of developing a
and related
Who Will Participate, and Who Will Lead?
Ideally, your
co-parents, and any concerned blood and legal relatives of the kids in your
divorcing or remarried family will take part. Many
factors can prevent this ideal. Your option is to accept that, and say
"Starting with bioparents and stepparents,
how many of our
adults are genuinely interested in helping with this important needs-assessment?
If some adults are blocked
from supporting your kids by various
your options include
(a) ignore them; (b) appeal for their help, for the
kids' sakes; (c) scorn, ridicule, and reject them; or (d) keep them
respectfully informed of what you're trying to do, why, and what's happening
as you progress.
Someone has to take
responsibility for doing this project, or it won't get done. Do you have a
leader yet? If not, what are your kids depending on you co-parents to do
for them? If so, what do you know of this leader's primary needs and
motives?
How does the style of
this family leader (authoritarian, democratic, decisive, inconsistent,
empathic,...) affect the motivation and cooperation of your other
caregiving adults? Does s/he acknowledge being the leader? Is s/he
comfortable with that role? What help does s/he need from the rest
of you? From knowledgeable outsiders? The alternatives are leadership by
committee, or no effective leadership.
Which Kids Will We
Research?
I suggest
"each minor and
grown living child of each of our three or more related co-parents."
Beware assuming that an apparently-happy,
"well-adjusted" child has mastered all four sets of needs! This
is because
are adept at
protectively camouflaging
and unmet needs from the host person
and other people.
of needs and
inner pain; emotional
with substances,
relationships, or activities; hyper-busyness, and repression
are common ways we pretend all is well,
when it really isn't. Adults and kids of divorce and remarriage have a lot
of
to mourn, questions to clarify, and
up to six
psychological
to heal!
What
Training and Preparation Do We Adults Need?
three or more
biofamilies to form a stable,
stepfamily is a every
multi-year task! It eventually overwhelms millions of
U.S. couples who try it. To get an overview of this complex Project and understand what
follows, I suggest that all your
co-parents first study...
-
The basic ingredients of a
high-nurturance
family and healthy relationships;
-
The
of human needs that govern us all, and this
introduction to surface
vs. underlying primary needs;
-
This perspective on human
developmental needs as proposed by
psychologist Erik Erikson;
-
This introduction to your
inner family. Do you know the
that make up
your
and who
them?
-
These summaries of
stepfamily
basics*, and what your stepfamily identity
-
The
promoting psychological and legal re/divorce, and the
co-parents can
work at together to overcome them;
-
These overviews of inevitable
stepfamily
and
conflicts and
and what to do about them;
-
These overviews of stepfamily
and
related co-parent
-
This
introduction* to healthy three-level grieving and spotting blocked
grief;
-
This
memo from your child/ren;
-
This perspective on stepparent-stepchild
relationship basics, and...
-
This index of all
the articles in this site about building a co-parenting-team (Project 10).
*
These are slide presentations. If you have trouble viewing them, see
All your co-parents and supporters
will need this knowledge to decide (a) what questions to asks
about each child (below), and (b) what to do with the answers. Recall the
premise here that "Typical
co-parents (and relatives) don't know what they don't know..."
This is a lot
of work, huh? You each are busy enough as it is? One of the
60 widespread
myths about stepfamilies is that they're "pretty much like"
typical biofamilies. Paradoxically, that's both
and
false.
If any of you assume that because you're a
child-care veteran and/or a mature adult, you
don't need all this foundation reading,
think
again.
Typical stepfamilies differ
from the intact ("traditional") biofamilies you're used to in
over 60 ways! Can you
name them, and describe what they mean? Tibet and America are both countries. If you assume "I
know how to live in a country, so I don't need to study before I move to
Tibet with
my kids," you'd be in for some major culture shocks and
confusions. Ask a veteran stepfamily co-parent if they underestimated how
alien and complex their new "family country" was...
I
urge you: if any of your co-parents are
and/or assume "I/we don't need to
read all that stuff," then wonder why millions of re/married adults
just
like you eventually call their lawyers or therapists. None of them expected to.
Further, mull
how growing up in a
environment is likely to
effect each
of your kids and grandkids. You partners' doing your
homework early will save you and your descendents much conflict,
heartache, and expenses!
This is pretty dry stuff. Do you need a stretchy break before continuing to
study how to assess your kid' status on their daunting mix of concurrent
needs? Picture your kids as you read...
What Are We
Assessing For?
Have all participating co-parents and supporters review these checklists of
developmental and typical
family-adjustment needs. Discuss and edit the checklists to fit your values
and situation, and evolve a set of specific child-needs that you all believe
are relevant. Try to avoid black/white (only two options) thinking,
and be alert for significant conflicts over stepfamily
and
(priorities), and associated relationship
Your
kids unknowingly depend on all their family adults to help them and each
other evolve consensual strategies to avoid or resolve these unavoidable
stressors. Are you doing that?
Who Will Be
Responsible For Acting on Our Results?
Your co-parenting team will probably judge that each of
your kids is "OK enough" with some needs (in your judgments, not the kids'),
and "Maybe OK enough," or "Not OK enough" with other needs.
Once you all assess these, (a) who will act on your results, (b) how, (c) when,
and (d) what
will you
and your kids need?
Ideally, your research focus on the short and long-term
wholistic health and success of your kids will help you adults
strengthen your caregiving team. Or - it may have highlighted
what (vs. who) blocks such team building. You
adults will have differing priorities (values) on which kids you want to support, how
often, and to what extent. That's normal in typical stepfamilies!
I suggest that you co-parents patiently negotiate who's responsible for
helping which child fill what needs via a series of discussions.
Then for your kids' sakes if not your own, help each other evolve meaningful
to clarify and document your chosen
responsibilities and targets. If
you've never seen parents in an intact (or widowed or divorced) biofamily
use child-care job descriptions, it's because there are...
-
only one or two
primary caregivers, not three or more;
-
probably fewer kids than you all
have; and...
-
the kids only have one set of (developmental) needs to master,
not three to five overlapping sets!
How
to help your kids fill selected needs is beyond the scope of this
article. See these Solution articles and the selected
reading list
for ideas. Also read about picking a
and periodically discuss where professional help is warranted. Members of
typical divorcing families and stepfamilies need more outside help than
peers in intact biofamilies. Seeking and using such help is a sign if wisdom and strength,
not weakness! People ruled by false selves often have a different opinion.
How Will We
Resolve Disputes in Assessing Our Kids?
Your child need-status research will be hindered by (a) co-parent
(b)
and mutual
and
conflicts, and (c)
stressful relationship
in and among your adults.
If
you did your initial homework, you'll have effective
ways of spotting and resolving those together. When any of these happen, acknowledge them, and switch your team's focus to
resolving them one at a time, rather than ignoring, minimizing, or
postponing them.
If you don't, you're at risk of splintering, and your kids
will lose the benefits of your combined informed nurturance.
Use the seven communication
in
to help you resolve these
team-building and research barriers. Keep copies of these
communication-block and
communication-tips
worksheets handy to help you all stay focused and effective
together.
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/10/kid-dx.htm
Continue
Project 10 by reviewing "