Project 10 of 12 toward high-nurturance families and relationship
	Typical Minor Stepkids' ~60 Growth,  Healing, and Adjustment Needs - p. 2 of 2 What your kids need informed adult help with By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member, NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/10/kid-needs.htm

Continued from page 1...

        Picture each child in your life now, and appreciate their concurrent needs to (a) develop and (b) heal, while they slowly...

 3) Adjust to Parental Divorce or Death

        Many American kids are under 20 when their birthfamily slowly adjusts to the death, divorce, or desertion (absence) of a parent. The legal part of the multi-year divorce process doesn't directly stress most kids unless it involves major battles over custody, visitations, and/or child-support and demands that they choose sides.

        They are stressed by the complex web of physical and psychological changes and losses that preceded and result from their family-system reorganizing. Often, wounded kids' protective denial of family trouble breaks and personal stress soars, when one parent physically leaves their home for good.

        Many factors determine each child's reactions to family restructuring from parental death or separ-ation - e.g. age + gender + birth-order + extended-family presence and coherence + ethnicity + finances + education +... Generally, the lower the child's psychological and spiritual nurturance before parental separation or death, the more trouble s/he will have in filling developmental and psychological-healing needs (page 1), and the additional set/s of family-adjustment needs below.

        Stay aware that these needs are concurrent with the ~35 normal-development and inner-healing needs. Depending on many factors, it may take an average minor child many years to stabilize, vs. fill, their set of the needs below. Kids whose stepfamily breaks up must fill these needs a second time - often before filling the first group of them. Numbering continues from page 1. Numbers in parentheses again refer to relevant developmental needs.

        Typical minor girls and boys in divorcing families and stepfamilies need to...

_  37)  Make sense out of (a) why one parent left them and (b) why their biofamily came apart;

_  38)  Accept that they didn't cause their biofamily reorganization;

_ 39)  Change their views of one or both parents from hero/ine to “flawed and still lovable” special adults. This need may include forgiving one or both parents for change-related pain and loss;

_ 40)   Grieve many concrete and invisible losses (broken psychological bonds), over years. Parental dwelling changes and visitations may cause waves of losses for adults and children (8, 28, 32, 33);

_ 41)  Heal unwarranted guilts ("I did bad things that made them divorce") and new shame ["I’m too bad of a person, so Dad (Mom) left me / us"] (5, 27) ;

_ 42)  Draw and enforce firm new personal boundaries: the child needs to separate themselves from their parents' and relatives anxiety, needs, and conflicts, without undue guilt, anxiety, and shame (4, 5, 30);

_ 43)  Re/build trust that adult caregivers and authorities will not reject or abandon them, despite the child’s major problems and (self-perceived) "flaws" (5, 22, 31);

_ 44)  Build new trust that living bioparents and key sibs and relatives are safe, healthy, and happy enough after the separation and divorce/s (5, 22, 31). And typical kids also need to...

_ 45)  Adjust to many new roles, rules, rituals, and living conditions, including (eventual) parental dating, and new post-separation responsibilities - like taking more care of their home, themselves, younger sibs, and/or an overwhelmed bioparent (2, 3, 6, 9, 18, 34). This need often is compounded by (a) learning new and sometimes clashing roles and rules in two bioparental homes, plus (b) evolving inter-home visitation rituals. If a child came from a significantly low-nurturance childhood, s/he will probably shuttle between two low-nurturance homes after parents separate. There are exceptions! And many kids need to... 

_ 46)  Cope with one or both bioparents using them as a weapon, spy, lure, confidant, or courier in ongoing relations with their other bioparent and/or key relatives. This is specially likely when (a) parents battle in court over child support, custody, and/or visitations; and when (b) one or both bioparents verbally attack or revile the other parent in front of the child (4, 5, 30). Kids also must...

_  47)  Adjust their personal and family identities over time to "OK divorced (or bereaved) [ boy / son / brother / relative ] or [ girl / daughter / sister / relative ]" (4, 24, 26, 29);

_ 48)  Find and use other nurturance if their bioparents are too wounded and/or distracted. This is specially vital if their custodial bioparent is significantly wounded and overwhelmed (10, 21, 22, 26). And over time, typical minor kids of divorce or parent-death need to...

_ 49)  Re/build authentic feelings of personal security + confidence + optimism + hope for (a) their future as a whole, and (b) becoming a competent adult, spouse, wage-earner, and (potential) parent (18, 19, 20, 36). "Rebellious" and "defiant" kids of divorce are often really grieving their losses (40), and/or testing for security and status in their reorganized family. They may also be controlled by one or more angry and/or rebellious subselves. Unaware, wounded adults can shame such kids for these unconscious behaviors.

        How long do you think the average child of parental divorce or death would take to fill their mix of these 13 adjustment needs, while progressing on their 25 developmental needs, burdened by up to six unseen false-self wounds? If their Mom or Dad re/marries too soon after family reorganization, average minor kids are further burdened by...
 

 4) Typical Stepfamily Adjustment Needs

        The nature, mix, and complexity of stepfamily-adjustment needs for a given child again depends on their age + gender + relations with each bioparent + understanding of parental divorce + progress on other needs (above) + many other factors. Key factors are the nurturance-levels of their pre and post-divorce homes, schools, churches, activities, and neighborhoods.

        Because these adjustment needs are usually concurrent with the child's developmental and other family-change needs, numbering continues from the above.

_ 50)  Accept less (custodial) bioparental attention and accessibility. For teens, this coincides with the growing need to socialize with friends and develop appropriate independence;

_ 51)  Redefine (a) personal and (b) family identity, and (c) decide clearly " who is my family now?" (4, 24, 25, 30, 47). And typical stepkids also need to...

_ 52)  Evolve and stabilize several to many unchosen stepfamily relationships; and...

_ 53)  Learn, stabilize, and rank many new family roles (e.g. stepchild, stepsib, step-grandchild, etc.) Three-generational biofamilies can have 15 common roles (mother, father, brother, uncle...). Multi-home stepfamilies can have over 30...

_ 54)  Learn and adjust to new privacy and sexual conditions in their home/s; and they also need to...

_ 55)  Continue grieving old losses (40), and start mourning a complex set of new tangible and invisible losses from (a) the ending of their prior living situation and (b) merging several multi-generational biofamilies over several years. Recall: a child's "acting out" may be the anger phase of healthy grief and/or appropriate testing of key stepfamily leadership, boundaries, and power.

_ 56)  Detach from any key relatives' or friends' disapproval of (a) their bioparent's re/marriage and/or cohabiting, and/or (b) the stepchild's acceptance of her or his new step-kin. And new stepchildren also need to...

_ 57)  Learn clearly and accept (2, 3, 6, 9, 18, 33):

What are the rules, boundaries, and consequences in my two homes and complex stepfamily?

Who's really in charge of each of my co-parenting homes?

How much power and status do I have now in each home, and what roles am I expected to play (e.g. peacemaker, entertainer, black sheep, star, ...) - by whom?

How do I handle the differences in the rules, roles, and consequences between my two co-parenting homes? Restated: how do I react to webs of values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles?

_ 58)  Build trust that this home and family are safe to belong to and bond with, because they won't break up like my ALL my other ones did" (8, 31, 35, 43, 45). Achieving this trust usually requires creative, persistent reality testing over months or years. And new stepkids also need to...

_ 59)  Reduce feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and "weirdness" because most of her or his relatives, teachers, and some friends don't really understand what it's like to live in a stepfamily. And minor stepkids need to…

_ 60)  Adjust their identity, roles, loyalties, and "rank" in their (a) home and (b) stepfamily each time their co-parents have a new child (i.e. a half-sibling), or a bio or stepsib moves in or out of their  home, or a key person dies, moves away, re/marries, or re/divorces. And also...

_ 61)  Re-fill most of these needs (with more experience and knowledge) if their other bioparent re/marries. Then stepkids may have four co-parents, eight co-grandparents, and dozens of co-relatives.

_ 62)  Many (most?) American stepfamilies re/divorce psychologically or legally within 10 years of cohabiting. This suggests that a significant percentage of the (usually teenaged) kids in them must re-do many of needs 37- 49 above over time. Re/divorce strongly suggests wounded, unaware co-parents, which raises the odds each stepchild must eventually fill their own personal healing needs.

Stepfamily literature suggests that it commonly takes co-parents and kids four or more years to stabilize (vs. fill) all these stepfamily-adjustment needs well enough. In researching stepfamily realities since 1979, I've never seen any acknowledgement of these concurrent sets of ~ 60 kids' developmental + healing + family-adjustment needs. Have you?

        Note what you’re thinking and feeling. How many of these needs could you have named before you read this? Think of the minor kids in your life: do you know which of these needs they’ve filled and which they need help with now? What kind of help do they need? From whom? What kind of help do you need to help them?

Status Check

        Take an undistracted moment to learn how your active subselves feel about what you just read. A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"

I care significantly about one or more minor or grown kids of parental divorce or death, and  possible parental re/marriage now. (A  D  ?)

I can name at least 10 of that child's normal developmental needs now. (A  D  ?)

I can name at least 10 of the traits of a typical high-nurturance family now  (A  D  ?)

I can clearly describe (a) what personality subselves are, and (b) why typical minor kids in low-nurturance families develop false selves to survive. (A  D  ?)

I can describe (a) the six psychological wounds that such kids may have to (eventually) heal, and (b) what these wounds often mean. (A  D  ?) 

I can name and describe at least eight of this child's unique adjustment needs to family separation or parental death (A  D  ?)

I can name at least six things that belonging to a stepfamily usually means.  (A  D  ?)

I can name at least eight family-adjustment needs typical new stepkids need help with.
(A  D  ?)

I accept that if divorcing or widowed co-parents commit to a new partner too soon, their residential and visiting kids can feel overwhelmed by up to 60 concurrent developmental + family-adjustment needs. (A  D  ?)

I can describe the five hazards that typical stepfamily co-parents need to know and guard against, and (b) what they can do about the hazards. (A  D  ?)

I can clearly describe the traits of an effective divorcing-family or stepfamily co-parent.
(A  D  ?)

My true Self is providing my responses here.  (A  D  ?)

        What did you just learn from this status check? How would each of your other co-parents and key family adults respond to it? Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need to do with this information? If not, what do you need now? Is there someone you want to discuss this two-page article with?

Continue co-parent Project 10 by studying...

• this slide presentation about the unseen [wounds + unawareness] cycle stressing many families;

• options for assessing a child's status with these many needs

• these summaries of research on children's welfare and U.S. marriage

• key traits of effective co-parents

• 40 ways stepparenting differs from "traditional" bioparenting

• your co-parenting values and/or co-parental responsibilities,

• this memo from your (step)child/ren,

• these ideas on effective stepchild discipline;

• this sampler of co-parent affirmations; and/or...

• these Q&A articles and Solutions articles about stepparent-stepchild and stepsibling relationships.

+ + +

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Updated August 29, 2008