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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
This article outlines one of 12 vital co-parental
safeguards
against five major re/marital
hazards. The
guidebook for this
vital project is Build a
Co-parenting Team After Divorce and/or Re/marriage (Xlibris.com,
2002).
Project
10: Co-parents (a)
learn their kids' normal developmental and special family-adjustment needs, and (b)
overcome any
barriers to effective caregiving teamwork.
Why?
One reason most families exist is to nurture youngsters to become healthy,
independent young adults and competent new parents. By definition, a
stepfamily includes at least one stepchild. Usually there are several,
living in two homes, often dependent on a custodial bioparent, a
non-custodial bioparent, and one or two stepparents, for guidance and
protection.
Minor
stepsons and stepdaughters have three to five sets of concurrent
adjustment needs they must fill over time, to attain stable adult independence and a
satisfying life of their own:
Over a dozen
family adjustments to their from their parents
separating, plus...
up to another dozen adjustments to complex,
alien multi-home stepfamily life.
The complexity of these
~60 concurrent (!)
needs calls for
high awareness and parenting competence and cooperation among a
stepchild's
three or more co-parents
and
other relatives.
There is growing
evidence that
many American kids of parental divorce and remarriage have less social and
scholastic success, and more health problems, than peers in high-nurturance,
intact biofam-ilies. This implies that typical bioparents and stepparents are having a hard time
helping their minor kids with these overlapping sets of complex tasks.
This vital tenth co-parent Project focuses squarely on the ongoing challenge to
divorcing and remarried co-parents to...
learn how to be
competent, cooperative co-parents together.
Co-parent
Project 11 describes getting effective
support to do this formidable meta-task.
Safeguard-Project 12 offers ideas on how co-parents can help each other stay balanced
while they juggle all these concurrent goals.
Project 10 is specially challenging because ~90% of U.S. stepfamilies are founded on one or
more prior bioparent
divorces. These often leave major residual co-parenting
barriers between stepkids' moms and dads.
Ex mates are often (a)
wounded
and (b) have
ineffective communication
to cope with all these. This is
specially true in stepfamilies coping with ongoing legal actions between bitter divorced
bioparents about kids and money.
Project 10 Goals: As
they work patiently to
merge
three or more biofamilies over many years
(Project 9),
all three
or more related co-parents...
Overcome their unique set of major
barriers to
wanting to...
Work cooperatively together to guide, protect, celebrate, and nurture each dependent
child and young adult in their stepfamily homes, so s/he becomes a
wholistically-healthy, stable, independent young adult able to effectively
co-parent
their own children; while the adults...
Each enjoy this complex, challenging process
enough
as it unfolds, and treasure their experience and accomplishment together
in old age.
Questions ...
Most re/married
bioparents are veteran childcare givers.
Why shouldn't stepfamily co-parenting
be easier
because of their experience and
maturity?
There are many combined
reasons, like...
The normal complexity and up to
40
environmental differences of stepfamily (vs. traditional biofamily caregiving)
life can confuse and distract them from focusing their skill and wisdom on their dependent
kids,
Re/married biomoms and
biodads have no training or experience in filling at least two of their
stepfamily kids' four sets of special needs - adjusting to
(a) biofamily breakup
and (b) complex, alien stepfamily
roles
and life;
They've never experienced
the age-related problems that each unique child presents as they grow;
e.g. veteran bioparents may never have nurtured a post- divorce teenaged
girl, before;
Their beloved new partner may have no
parenting experience at all, or no relevant experience; e.g. they've never
parented a girl, a boy, a teen, and/or twins before) and...
Despite life wisdom, stepkids'
grandparents and most professional helpers usually have no prior experience with three of their
stepgrandkids' four sets of needs.
Do typical new stepfamily
co-parents really understand their caregiving
roles and
long-term goals?
In my respectful
view, probably not. They learn it on the job together, often with little
informed social
help. Through no fault of theirs, this inexperience puts their kids at risk of
developmental slow-down, and (a) premature independence or
(b) prolonged dependence. All are
stressful for everyone.
What is an effective co-parenting team? In a divorcing-family
or stepfamily context, it is several co-parents and adult relatives and
supporters who...
respect
and trust each other as co-equal
family-building teammates, vs. opponents or non-participants; and...
agree on
(a) what a
high-nurturance family is, and
(b) accept the
five hazards that can hinder their
achieving that together, and...
agree on
(a) what their unique
long-term
family mission is, and
(b)
generally how they're going to
achieve
their mission over time; and these adults...
agree on
(a) what each minor
child in the family currently
needs, and (b)
who is responsible for filling those needs;
and...
are proactively helping each
other (a) learn to
communicate and
problem-solve
effectively, and (b) to help each other teach their kids how to do the same;
and effective co-parent
teammates...
feel
(a) a steady sense of
common purpose and (b) shared pride in their progress and achievements; and
they...
help each other develop and
progress on a knowledgeable stepfamily
merger plan; and they...
work to
(a) find and use
effective
support and
(b) keep their
personal, re/marital, and household
balances
as they patiently
merge their
several
multi-generational biofamilies over
many years; and effective co-parent teammates...
enjoy the whole complex,
challenging, stressful, rewarding process of stepfamily-building.
If you think this seems too complex or idealistic, reflect on the U.S.
re/divorce epidemic...
Is it really possible
for
three or more
co-parents in typical
nuclear stepfamilies
to form an effective caregiving team?My research and experience with over 1,000 middle-class co-parents since 1979 nets out:
it's possible, but very
hard.
Despite genuine love and concern for their younger family members, most typical
divorcing and stepfamily co-parents
are hindered in teaming up effectively by mixes of barriers like
these. That
risks providing a low-nurturance multi-home environment and
unintentionally
passing on some or all of
these
effects
to their kids.
Do typical clergy, counselors,
therapists, school staffs, and family-law
professionals really understand how to guide and support typical
stepfamily co-parents and kids? My
29 years' experience nets out
- rarely. This is largely because many in the human service professions
(a) seem
to be significantly wounded themselves, and (b) rarely get
adequate training in, or supervision with, resolving complex stepfamily problems. This seems to
be gradually improving.
So is "effective
stepfamily co-parenting" a hopeless cause? No!
I believe that co-parents' love, and patient, steady efforts at stepfamily
safeguard projects like
these 12, over time, can significantly raise their individual and combined effectiveness,
nurturance level, and
long-term satisfaction.
The key is each co-parent taking
responsibility for the long-term health and outcome of their own and their kids'
lives seriously, rather than living a day at a time with no mission or plan. True
(vs. pseudo) personal
recovery can significantly help most of us
Grown Wounded Children heal old
shame and
self-neglect attitudes, and learn to
fill our and our kids' needs more effectively than our
unaware, wounded parents could.
How can re/married
couples achieve the three Project-10 goals?Together,
you partners take some
version of these...
Project 10
Options
This
is a buffet of skeleton ideas. Each unique stepfamily will need its own set and
ranking of steps like these, across many years.
Project 10 is an ongoing process
which has no end, if you include nurturing step-grandkids...
1) Prerequisites: all
three or more co-parents make significant headway with safeguard Projects 1-7.If some or all of you haven't done that, the following steps will yield
stunted benefits at best. What follows assumes that you all ...
Haveassessed (a) each adult for
wounds, and
(b) all your kids and adults for
blocked grief, and are implementing effective plans to heal these;
Have made significant progress learning to
use seven
skills for effective
conflict resolution in and between your homes;
Have solidly
(a) agreed that you all are a normal
multi-home
stepfamily, and you all
(b) clearly
know what that
means;
If re/married, you each thoroughly
researched and chose the right
people to commit to, for
the right
reasons, at the right
time - i.e. you each did a version of
Project 7
together;
and ...
Each of you
now has (a) "the (open, curious) mind of a
student," (b) a long-term (e.g. 20-30 year) outlook, and (c) are truly
motivated to learn
what your minor and grown kids need, and how to become
effective (high-nurturance)
divorced or re/married co-parents for them.
2) Foundation: Help each other keep working patiently at refining and
strengthening all these
(Projects 1-9,) as
you evolve your co-parent team and nurture each other.
Build a shared long-term vision:
you'll not really know how well you've all done here until your youngest child is a
parent themselves! You'll have plenty of interim feedback to work with...
3) Foundation: get and stay clear on
your and each other's co-parenting
attitudes and expectations: do you each believe you
can do an effective-enough job, long term, nurturing your minor and grown kids, over time?
A realistic glass-half-full attitude based on accurate stepfamily
information
strengthens you all for your shared, long-haul challenge!
4) Foundation: despite your
differences, you co-parents and kin agree on your common goal: to give the best nurturing you all can to
(a) yourselves and (b) the kids who depend on you for it.
Toward that goal, work to see each other as unique teammates, each with something of real
value to give to your kids. Frequently affirm your own and each other's parenting
strengths, and help each other improve undeveloped skills and traits. If one or more of you can't do this (yet),
accept that
and do the best you can. Time is an ally here.
5) Foundation: learn your own and
each other's parenting values. Work toward celebrating
where you agree, and agreeing to disagree where you don't.
The destructive alternative is
silent or overt criticism, power struggles, shaming and blaming, and 1-upping - while your
kids' many needs fall between the cracks.
6) Foundation: work for shared
clarity on the similarity and differences between your stepparenting and
bioparenting
roles. Your caregiving goals are usually
similar. Your adult-child
bonds (loyalties); tolerances; and home, stepfamily, and social caregiving environments;
are very different!
7) Prepare: all of you read
and thoroughly discuss all the articles
or guidebook
chapters
in this co-parent- teaming project. There's a lot here, so take your time and do
it thoroughly! Note where you all agree and where you have significant
values conflicts. Use
your
Project-2 skills to reduce these,
or accept them
as child-care teammates ...
8) Learn
and discuss typical minor
stepkids' four sets of needs until you all
feel clear on them. Then prepare together to...
9) (a)Assess the status
of each of your dependent and grown children with each individual need in each of
the four groups, and (b) agree on what specific nurturances each child needs, over time; Then
help each other to...
10) Evolve
and implement a compatible
enough co-parenting
job descriptions (definitions of
caregiving responsibilities), targeted to each child's unique profile of
normal-development, and family-adjustment needs. As you help each other implement your
plans, ...
11) Stay alert
for situations where you and
you kid/s can benefit from stepfamily-awareprofessional help,
and use it. Do that as you ...
12) Help
each other develop an effective
stepfamily support network and use it(Project 11) to help center, inspire, and guide you in this difficult co-nurturing process.
13) After you co-parents feel
well-grounded on (a) what your existing kids each need, and (b) how each of your co-parents and others
will help fill those needs, then make informed, responsible
child-con-ception and
adoptiondecisions, based on a sober assessment of everyone's complex web of
personal and stepfamily
needs, assets, and limitations. Finally...
14) As you all do all these many
stepfamily-building projects, help each other to keep your daily and long-range
balances as you go
(Project 12) - and encourage each
other to enjoy the very real accomplishments and satisfactions as you and
your kids and kin build your stepfamily together!
+ + +
Notice how you feel now. Pause and
reflect on what you just read, and what it means in your lives -
and your kids' lives - short and long range. If helpful, refresh your
wide-angle perspective by reviewing the
summaries of your five
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/10/project10.htm
Project
10: 
Most re/married
bioparents are veteran childcare givers.