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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
"If you always do what you've always done...
You'll always get what you've always got."
- Therapists Steve and Carol Lankton
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Many U.S. adults file for legal orders for restraint or protection in
domestic court against a spouse, an ex mate, or other relative. These orders
limit or prohibit certain behaviors of the target person, under penalty of
jail, monetary fines, and/or other sanctions.
No matter what
the justification or short-term impact of such legal orders, they may
provide temporary security - and
amplify the core relationship problems that cause them.
From
27 years' clinical work
with well over 500 average troubled couples and families, this article...
-
offers perspective on legal orders of
protection and restraint in domestic situations, and suggests three things that cause
them;
-
looks solution-options if
you are ..
-
considering whether to file for legal protection,
or...
-
accused of aggression and named in a
restraining order, or you...
-
are the
partner of an accuser or defendant
- e.g. a stepparent.
If part of your conflict involves a legal
parenting agreement, read this after you finish
this article.
What's the Problem?
A family-court judge ordered a divorced mom and dad to consult with me (a veteran therapist)
to help them resolve various property-division and parenting disputes. The thirty-something mom said she felt forced to get the
court's protection from her angry, aggressive ex husband because "he has
repeatedly threatened, stalked, and harassed me, and I'm scared he could lose control
and be violent in front of our five-year old daughter. He carries a gun..." Her ex husband,
a veteran police officer, bitterly disputed her accusations. He declared he never
threatened or harassed his ex wife alone or in front of their child, and
would never harm her. He blamed his ex wife for inciting his resentment,
frustration, and anger by lying, manipulating, and denying a (long) list of
her disrespectful,
dishonest behaviors toward him.
The exasperated father told me of his intense humiliation and resentment at
being
unexpectedly served in public with an unjustified legal order of protection
as he and his daughter got off an airplane from a vacation. He scoffed at
his ex's claim that she was afraid of him - i.e. he ignored that his verbal
and nonverbal rigid behaviors were provoking her disrespectful (defensive)
behavior. They had been snarled in an expensive,
draining post-divorce legal battle for over a year when I met them. Court-ordered mediation
had not helped, and they were both skeptical anything would change.
A large minority of my hundreds of typical divorced-family and stepfamily
therapy clients have described
related to legal orders
of restraint and protection. I assume these clients represent
typical conflicted American co-parents. Though details varied, the
legal orders were caused by one or more of these:
-
one adult - usually a mate or ex mate -
felt s/he was in significant danger because of the aggressive behavior of another family member; and/or...
-
a parent claimed that one or more dependent
children were at significant risk of physical or psychological harm from
another family adult's impulsive, aggressive behaviors; and/or...
-
someone accused parents of
or
one or more animals or young or elderly dependents.
In many cases, the accuser claimed chemical
influenced the aggressive person's behavior.
Premise: petitions for
legal orders for restraint or protection always indicate...
-
one or both adults involved are psychologically-
of a
childhood;
-
both adults are
burdened by up to nine
concurrent relationship
the can't identify or reduce; and...
-
the adults had been chronically unable
to (a) discern
and (b) communicate and resolve family conflicts
In
addition, the act of filing for a legal order of
restraint or protection is inherently shaming, antagonistic, aggressive, and inflammatory. It is a humiliating public
accusation that the
restrained person is unstable, irresponsible, "sick," and by
implication, an inadequate parent. The
hurt, embarrassment, and guilt of such
charges and legal restraints can be as shaming and stressful as those coming from a public
accusation of parental
child abuse or neglect.
The
emotional reaction to being publicly accused of aggression against a family
adult or child can be amplified if the accuser's attorney seems to willfully exaggerate or distort the respondent's
alleged behaviors in justifying the petition. The accused person then has two
or three adversaries -
the accuser, their attorney/s, and the domestic-court judge that rules on
the accusation.
Sometimes demonstrable evidence of violence or aggression justifies legal protection ("My
sister saw him come after me with a kitchen knife!"). More difficult cases occur when the
accuser alleges behaviors which were not witnessed by others, and which the defendant claims never happened ("I
was not drunk, and I did not threaten to
break her arms!") Either case causes serious emotional trauma and
long-lasting family stress.
When police
respond to domestic-violence incidents, they
often get reciprocal accusations from the antagonists about what happened
and who was at fault. Neighbors or other witnesses may corroborate
one story or the other from direct or indirect experience. Minor children's testimony
about domestic violence is often biased toward one parent or the
other, and of limited use in a judge's determining "the truth."
Bottom line: whether justified or not, and granted or not, one adult filing for temporary or
permanent legal protection from another
person (a) is sure evidence
of several core major relationship problems which a order won't affect,
and (b) will surely amplify the couple's or family's existing problems.
Legal orders of protection
and restraint may provide the accuser with short-term security, but will usually
make the underlying relationship and family problems worse, long-term,
without all involved adults wanting to admit and reduce the three
underlying problems above.
Implication: if a judge hears a petition for an order of restraint or protection
without (a) educating the litigants and
their attorneys on the three underlying problems above, and (b) ordering
both adults to get informed professional
to reduce those problems, the judge
and judicial system are contributing to the couple's
and family's long-term stress. Similarly, attorneys who agree to represent
an adult without educating them on
their underlying problems are equally responsible for increasing the
client-family's long-term problems. The same is true of any
mediators,
educators,
case workers, or
counselors working with the
conflicted persons'
family.
Pause
and reflect - does what you just read make sense to you? If you're in a
situation involving legal restraint, do you feel what you just read applies
to the people involved?
The rest of this article focuses on cases where there is no compelling
evidence of child abuse or
neglect justifying a petition for legal
protection. See the linked articles for more perspective on those special
cases. Using the perspective above, let's look at your options if you (a)
are considering filing for protection, (b) are accused of aggression and
named in a legal order of restraint, and (c)
are the partner of an accuser or a defendant.
If You're Considering Filing for Protection
Try saying out loud why you're considering involving legal professionals in
your situation now - what do you need, specifically? Then read these
three examples of "digging down" to discern
your
(vs. surface) needs, and reconsider what needs are causing you to thinking of filing for
protection. Then breathe well, reduce any current distractions, and see how you feel about
these premises...
-
You are causing half the
problem/s. The person you seek protection from is causing the other half.
Both of you must want
to change some fundamental things about yourselves (vs. blaming
the other person) to achieve peaceful cooperation and
protect any dependent kids from psychological
Their wounding
inexorably increases every day that each of you co-parents
avoids accepting your responsibility to reduce your half of your
current conflicts.
-
You and the accused person/s
probably have been - and are - ruled by a
This has and will continue to...
False-self dominance can
cause you to misperceive and/or over-react to the other person's behaviors,
and to deny or justify your part in the conflict.
See
for perspective and effective ways to
understand,
and
your false-self
Also study
this article about options
for relating to a wounded person (like an ex mate).
And if you're
considering filing for legal protection, confront the reality that...
-
you and the other conflicted adult/s don't
know how to...
-
your respective current
-
help each other fill your needs effectively
as
partners (vs. opponents),
and how to...
-
your communication process
for
blocks, and reduce them. Follow the
links and see what you learn. And...
-
Because none of you know what you don't know about
effective communication, you're not motivated to learn
how to improve your outcomes together. This probably means that the
you've been trying to resolve your problems is a major part of your
problem.
here and its related
guidebook provide what you adults (and your kids) need to know.
Read these
tips, these examples of lose-lose
and win-win communication, and this checklist for perspective and practical
options. And...
-
No matter how justified,
admit that your using a combative attorney
and the win/lose legislative process to gain local security for you and/or a
vulnerable child will make relations worse among you all.
It may take years to reduce the impact of calling in "legal muscle" to
force the accused person to comply with your needs.
And yes,
doing so may be genuinely appropriate at this time. Options: (a)
read
this
article for more perspective, (b)
yourself for false-self
wounds, and (c) get an
unbiased third-party opinion before you file. for court intervention.
Notice your
reaction to these six blunt proposals. If your thinking nets out to (a) "These
factors don't apply to me!", (b) "They may apply, but our conflict is (the
other person's fault), and s/he must change first"; or (c) this is too
complicated! I cant deal with it (change myself) now;" - know that a
protective false self is causing these reactions and doesn't want to
admit your responsibility to reduce your half of your current problems.
Key implications of these Premises
your respective
attitudes, unawarenesses, and behaviors are
combining to causing an escalating spiral of frustration,
hurt, and anger - which drains and discourages you all, wounds any
dependent kids, and blocks effective problem-solving; and...
any
dependent kids in your home/s are probably not learning how to discern
their primary needs and communicate effectively, promoting major stress for
them now and after they leave home. Is this what you want for them?
If these premises are true in your situation, the unaware, insecure personality
who control you (your
will probably act impulsively or aggressively (a) without evaluating all your options, and (b)
dismissing the
major long-term family impacts of filing for legal protection. What
options?\
Options
Do yor dominant subselves feel victimized and helpless in your situation, or
are they aware that you have many impactful choices in addition to filing
for legal intervention? What choices?
Assess Yourself and the Other
Person for Wounds
For the best long-term
outcomes for your family members, (a) read this real-life
example of subselves in action, (b) adopt an
open mind, and learn about
personality subselves and related
psychological wounds and their
(c) compassionately
yourself for significant wounds, and (d) commit to patiently
any wounds you find.
|
in this nonprofit Web site and its related
guidebook give you many resources and options for doing this
vital work. If a well-intentioned false self rules you, your
short-sighted subselves will persuade you to postpone, discount,
or ignore this option. If they do, your (surface) problems will
probably continue or increase regardless of any legal
intervention.
|
The second half of this keystone option is to compassionately (vs. scornfully)
assess the person you feel
threatened by for major unseen false-self wounds. If s/he is unaware
of being dominated by a false self...
-
s/he cannot willfully admit or
control her threatening behavior (with or without a court order);
-
you
and others cannot make him or her acknowledge or reduce any wounds;
and...
-
any attorneys, counselors, and judges you hire will probably not
know about the wounds, their impacts, and what to do about them for all your
sakes.
Option:
When you're done reading this
article, study this for more
perspective and practical options.
Change Some Key Attitudes
Your (dominant subselves') attitudes, values, and (often distorted)
perceptions cause your behaviors! When your true Self
your
s/he is apt to adopt and keep
several new helpful attitudes.
-
"I am
co-causing our problems. If I genuinely accept my half without
shame or guilt, stop blaming the other person/s, and act to reduce it
(change myself), our chances for more cooperation and peace will
go up." Restated: "I must
change, to reduce our stress!."
-
"As long as I (my subselves) focus on
justifying and proving "I am right!" (and the accused
person is wrong) our family or relationship stress will
increase." Restated: "I have been acting on the provocative assumption that
my needs and feelings are more legitimate and valid than those of the
person I'm accusing." A better attitude is
"No one is wrong
here - we both
are needy, wounded, ignorant, and unaware; and are acting in
self-justifying, combative ways!"
-
"I should coach myself to focus on the present, not the past." Constantly rehashing (and
relishing?) past aggravations and hurts is like continually ripping the
scab off a major wound. Rehashing the past can help you grieve
key losses, but overdoing it (a) changes nothing else, and (b) keeps
your resentments and combativeness fresh. That (c) reduces your ability
to problem-solve effectively now. If a false self rules you,
those subselves will persuasively urge you to disregard this change of
focus.
-
"I
should give equal weight to our current and
long-term needs (e.g. over the next 20 years) in making current
decisions." If
your subselves focus only on immediate gratification, you risk (a) prolonged stress with the other person/s, and (b)
harming any dependent kids. If your thoughts now start with "Yes,
but..." you'/re probably dominated by an unwise, reactive, rigid, protective
false self. If you feel you must file for restraint
or protection
now because you're in a
follow
the link and see what you learn. Option: try consulting with your
Future Self, and ask that wise
person's counsel about your best choices for you and any descendents
now...
-
"I
should respectfully acknowledge and ignore my protective
narrow-minded
subself whose
special talent is vividly predicting future doom and gloom if I don't
file for protection and/or choose legal and other combat."
The legally-accused father who
consulted me wasn't aware he was strongly influenced by such a subself
who insisted that if he didn't hire a lawyer and file legal motions to
prove his ex wife "was deceitful and wrong," then "she
will get away free without taking responsibilities for (her half) of our
problems." This was intolerable to another subself who rigidly insisted
that the universe must be fair!" Unseen toxic false-self control
at work.
-
"Acting on these options patiently will reduce our disputes and
stress, and raise my hope for future peace and cooperation." The
debilitating alternative is to accept the sales pitch of a well-meaning
subself: "This is hopeless - s/he (the other person)
will never change!" Both parents who consulted me believed this - which
stunted their chances to reduce their stress.
The underlying primary problem
is unawareness or discounting the impact of a
true Self.
Upgrade Your Communication
Skills
Your second most potent alternative to filing for legal protection is to
commit to studying
effective-communication basics, and
learning to use these seven
with the person who threatens you (and all others.) If your inner
voices (subselves) say something like "We don't need to do this., or
"This is way too complicated!") " get
undistracted, take this quiz honestly, and
see what you discover. Note that if a false-self rules you, your quiz
results and/or your evaluation of them are apt to be significantly
distorted.
Gain a major benefit quickly by learning to see the three
we all decode from every verbal or nonverbal communication. The subselves
controlling you and the threatening person have probably been perceiving "1-up" or "1-down" R-messages from each other, which inevitably
block effective communication and problem-solving. Once aware of this, you
can change your half of the process - if your true Self
your
personality!
Learn to Discern Primary
Needs
A third powerful option you have is to
learn the difference between
surface needs ("problems") and the underlying
that cause them. Doing this will help you avoid focusing fruitlessly
on surface problems, which will keep recurring until you address the primary
needs that cause them. When you accept this vital difference, you'll be
able to
what you and the accused person really need from each other if
your
your personality. You'll also be better able to empathize with the
"threatening" person's primary needs, rather than judging and accusing them.
For example, each of the wounded, conflicted parents at the top of this
article were unable to see that three primary needs relentlessly causing
their conflict spiral were to feel respected, trusted, and heard
empathically by the other person. Their subselves continued to battle
over child-visitation and custody and physical property-ownership issues
which were symptoms of their primary problems.
For more perspective on discerning primary needs, study these
three
examples and this comparison after you finish
this article. Then try digging down to discern what you and the
person you accuse really need - and know that
the legal system can not help
you fill these needs.
Choose Unbiased Advisors
Another way to help make the best short and long-term legal decisions
is to honestly assess key people who are significantly influence your
decisions here. Are their attitudes and advice increasing your combat
stress or decreasing it? The divorced parents who consulted me each had
close contact with very biased parents, in laws, and siblings who loudly took
sides and promoted the couple's mutual attacks and resentments. None
of these well-meaning "loyal" relatives knew what you're reading here, and
most or all of them were probably ruled by false selves.
Option: intentionally choose supporters who can listen to you empathically
without taking sides, vs. choosing (well-meaning) biased people
who also blame and criticize the accused person. By
preference and legal responsibility, typical attorneys are always
biased, which always promotes lose-lose competition and combat. In contrast, clergy and many
counselors who are genuinely guided by their Selves will be more impartial and balanced in
supporting all of you.
Try this simple test: focus on each person who supports you now and ask
yourself "Who does s/he feel is
responsible for our conflict here - me, the accused person, or both of us.?"
Blaming either of you is sure to increase and prolong your combat and
stress, and burden your dependent kids. Choose unbiased supporters for
all your sakes! Option: give
a copy of this article to each of your main supporters, and discuss how it
applies to all of you.
Whether you act on these five potent options before or after deciding
whether to file for legal protection, investing time and energy in them will
bring you and any descendents major long-term benefits. Do you believe
this?
Which of your active
is answering?
Reflect - how do you feel now about filing for legal protection? Do
you need a stretch/refreshment break before continuing?
Now lets explore practical options if you are (a)
the accused person, and/or (b) the partner of
an accuser or defending person.
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