Continued from
page 1...
Options If You're Accused
In case you're feeling your victimized and without options, consider
these choices:
Listening to your own voice saying your thoughts, feelings, and needs out
loud can help you clarify your feelings and needs. Try
getting quiet, reflect, and say out loud (a) how you
feel about being accused and legally constrained,
and (b) how you're reacting to
the implied and legal accusations about you and the legal constraints forced
on you.
That might sound like "I feel resentful, hurt, and angry; and I'm
(a) obsessing about how unfair this is, (b) blaming
my accuser for all of this trouble, and (c) avoiding conversation and
contact with my accuser as much as possible. Your feelings are reliable
indicators of what your ruling subselves need in this situation.
Are your attitudes and reactions to
the court order/s increasing or decreasing the stresses you and any affected
kids and relatives feel? If you say "increasing," who do you believe
is causing that?
Option: Learn Who's
Running Your Life
The biggest single cause of your
half of your current relationship (and legal) problems may be that you
are controlled by a false self without knowing it. Read
this example with an open mind. Then...
-
learn about your "inner family" of personality
subselves,
-
study
with an
open mind, and
then...
-
yourself honestly for significant false-self
wounds.
If you find any, commit to
these wounds over time, with informed
support.
If your
protective subselves minimize, postpone, or ignore this keystone option,
(a) this article will probably be of little help to you and any kids you
care about, and (b) your conflicts, weariness, and despair will
escalate.
Try saying out loud (a) what you
now in this difficult situation, specifically.
There are probably several things - e.g. "I'd feel better if _____, _____,
and ____ ." Then say honestly (b) what and/or who you feel is in the way of your
filling these needs now. If you didn't identify
yourself as a major
block to filling your needs, you're probably unaware (a) that a well-meaning
is skewing your perceptions and causing your reactions,
and (b) of your options for
your
true Self to take charge and make
win-win decisions.
Option: Assess Your
Attitude/s
Try saying out loud the key adjectives you that feel describe your
accuser. If you hear things like "S/He is dishonest, disrespectful,
self-centered, irrational, stupid, controlling, illogical, childish,
immature, immoral, unfair, irresponsible, abusive, aggressive,..."
that suggests you (a) are wounded and (b) unaware, just like the other
person. It also suggests that without your knowing it, these
disparaging attitudes have caused your past and recent behavior toward your accuser
to send
inflammatory "I'm
(superior)" messages to her or him - which are
surely promoting your
conflict.
As long as your ruling subselves insist on blaming your accuser for your
problems (vs. saying "I'm half the problem"), s/he will feel...
-
unfairly
blamed, attacked, discounted (disrespected), and misunderstood;
-
hurt, frustrated,
defensive, and angry; and s/he will then...
-
blame you for your current conflict -
specially if s/he's often dominated by a reactive, defensive,
false self.
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Until you both decide
to change it, this interactive behavior-cycle will create a self-stoking circular process of
attack, defend, and counterattack that can last for decades and
significantly distract all of you from enjoying your lives and fulfilling
your missions on Earth.
|
If you are consistently
by your
and
you're more apt to describe your accuser compassionately as
needy,
wounded, and ignorant (lacking information, not stupid). Can you
imagine adopting those attitudes? If you did, what would change between you
and him or her? What if s/he became more aware and adopted the same
attitudes about you?
Option: Notice Your
Time-focus
Assess honestly "Am I
mostly focused on the past, the present, or the long-term future?" If
you're often focused on the past, (a) that's more
evidence you're ruled by a false self, and (b) those subselves are probably
focused on short-term
relief rather than working to preventing recurring family or relationship stress
in future years. Be
alert for your subselves over-focusing on short-term goals
like...
-
punishing your accuser, and/or getting
even (revenge),
-
proving (to someone) the accusations are
unfounded. malicious, or stupid; and...
-
needing important others to see how
wrong your accuser was/is and how you've been unfairly
and...
-
using legal force (e.g. an aggressive
attorney) to defend yourself and attack or inflict pain on your
accuser.
Both weary, pessimistic, stressed co-parents mentioned at the
beginning of this article were unaware of being chronically ruled by
subselves which vehemently opposed (a) admitting
"I am half of our problems," and (b) refocusing from endlessly
rehashing the past and blaming the
ex mate and her or his judgmental family, to courageously accepting
self-responsibility for personal growth and change in the present.
Option: See Your
Situation as a Family Problem
Narrow-visioned false selves and biased supporters will insist that your
stress is a personal problem.
That belief relentlessly
promotes a harmful win/lose attitude in all of you - e.g. seeing
yourself as the "1-down"
and your accuser and any supporters as the 1-up enemy. The
immutable reality is "Our combat stresses all our family
members." Option: read this two-page summary of a
family system (like yours) for
perspective, and return here.
Suggestions
-
Try
to capture the spirit of these premises and options, rather than
seeing them as a rigid cookbook of things you and your accuser must do. The main themes are:
-
you both are wounded and
unaware, and share joint responsibility for causing and reducing your
current stresses; and...
-
using legal force will I always add
long-term stress to your subselves and family.
The moral is -
do everything you can before
invoking the court to force resolution to that which
you wounded, unaware people are unable to do for yourselves so far.
-
Choose self-responsibility for the relevant premises and options in
this article without saying "Ok, if my accuser will
too." That's a seductive way that protective false-selves try to
avoid self-responsibility and (unjustified) painful
Lose-lose.
-
Review your accuser's
options, and decide
honestly whether each of them applies equally to you;
-
Avoid the urge to file
countercharges against or otherwise punish our accuser. Doing so
prolongs your conflict. Put energy into these options and
suggestions instead.
-
View your situation as an
opportunity to learn about yourself, your accuser, and unseen
options, rather than as an unfair attack on you.
-
Consider asking your accuser to study
and discuss this article with you as teammates, vs. opponents -
specially if you have minor children depending on you both.
-
If you feel you must hire an attorney,
avoid hiring one who has a
win/lose attitude and wants to disparage and counterattack your accuser
- even if your accuser hires an
aggressive uninformed lawyer intent on winning (so you
"lose"). If kids are involved, seek an attorney who views your
family is her or his client, not just you. If you're in a
stepfamily, use these
as a guide to selecting an aware attorney. Approaching legal combat from a win/lose perspective
guarantees that all your family member suffer persistent stress and
pain long run. The best long-term shared attitude is
"How can we both get
enough of what we need here?"
Pause,
stretch and notice with interest what your subselves are thinking and
feeling. Are you
by your Self now, or other subselves? After deciding, recall why
you're reading this article. Have your perceptions and goals shifted?
Kids, new partners, and some relatives are usually affected by a legal
battle between ex mates. This usually causes a complex web of
interactive values, membership, role, and loyalty conflicts, and
associated relationship triangles in and between your co-parenting
homes. If your partner is involved in legal combat, there are a number of things you can do to minimize these
stressors,
keep your needs and boundaries clear, and preserve your serenity and primary
relationship/s.
If You're the Partner of the Accuser or Defendant...
Though many variables make your situation unique, some generalities
probably apply: you seek...
-
short and long-term harmony in
and between your co-parenting homes;
-
to preserve and strengthen your
primary relationship;
-
to protect any dependent kids
from significant stress;
-
to end the current conflict/s in and
between your homes permanently;
-
Your instinct is to support your partner
against his or her ex; And you...
-
want the chance to contribute,
rather than be a passive bystander;
-
have your own view of what causes
the conflict/s, which may or may not agree with your partner's
perception;
-
may often feel torn about various
family role and relationship issues, and be unclear on what you
should do about them - specially if you have minor kids of your own;
and...
-
you and your partner may agree or not on
whether you should be an active participant in resolving the current
conflict/s or a passive observer.
Options
The bad news is that your home and family is burdened with a web of
major conflicts. The good news is that you and the combatants have many
options to help all of you reduce them. For example, you can...
Clarify and validate your
personal rights as a unique, dignified,
worthy person. Then use this powerful
technique to identify your
relative to the ex-mates' combat and its effects on all of you. Then use
empathic-
and
skills to fill your and others' needs.
Adopt
a long-range attitude (e.g. the next 20 years), and respectfully
suggest your partner and her or his ex mate do the same. Rationale:
focusing only on short-term relief will probably cause the underlying
unmet needs to keep recurring and stressing you all, over time.
Clarify your current life
If you have trouble doing so, and/or you don't rank your
integrity and wholistic health first and your primary relationship
second, you're probably dominated by a well-meaning
If so, that will contribute to many personal, marital, and family
stresses. Using the concepts, options, and resources in
assess yourself for false-self
and commit to
any you find.
Empathically
your partner and her or his ex mate for significant false-self wounds.
If you conclude one or both are often ruled by a false self,
urge your partner (and the ex mate, if practical) to read and apply the
options here.
Learn about
and
conflicts, and associated relationship
Then assess how these are contributing to the conflicts between
your partner and her or his ex (and others in your family?). If either
person is unaware of - or minimizes - these three stressors and their impacts,
urge him or her to (a) learn about them, and (b) work together to reduce
them for everyone's short and long-term sakes. This will be hard or
impossible if either person (a) is controlled by a protective false
self, and (b) doesn't know or want to use the seven communication
that
provides for all of you.
If
there are minor kids involved in the ex-mate's combat,
(a) study and
apply this to each minor child, and (b) urge
your partner and his or her ex to do the same. Steadily encourage each
of them to see the current conflict as a family stressor, rather
than a personal dispute. Use
to help clarify your family "job" (co-parenting responsibilities).
Read
these ideas about intra-family legal
battles with an open mind., If they make sense to you, apply them
to your situation, and urge the combatants to do the same.
If
you believe that someone's past or current
is fueling the combat, learn more about addiction, its family causes and
effects, and what your options are. Follow the link for perspective and
resources. True addictions are a symptom of the real problems:
low-nurturance environments +
+ personal and family unawareness. Yes, addictions cause (secondary) problems
of their own, too.
Become more aware of the communication process among your
involved adults. Often
conflicted people assert their opinions, perceptions, and needs
becomes the problem. Develop the communication skills of
and
and encourage the combatants to do the same. Option: see
this article to promote more
among you all - and ask the conflicted adults to do the same.
Avoid scorning or
criticizing your partner's ex mate, regardless of her or his hostile
actions. Such "1-up"
are sure to add to everyone's stress, including kids'. A better
alternative is to see him or her as highly
and
while enforcing your
firmly, with dignity (self respect).
If
your partner is prone to impulsive angry outbursts, threats,
name-calling, swearing, insulting, and phone hang-ups with her or his
ex, see that as a symptom of half the problem: a
Filing for legal restraint and protection indicates that the filer (a)
feels s/he and/or a child is unsafe, and/or (b) s/he is
the accused person's intents and/or actions. Both are
signs of major false-self wounds and a
environment.
+ + +
These are representative options for stepparents and other relatives
affected by legal orders of restraint and protection - there are other
choices too.
Pause and reflect - why did you read this? How are you feeling about
your options now?
Recap
A significant minority of American divorced-families and stepfamilies
are stressed by a co-parent filing for legal protection or restraint against an ex
mate or other intrusive adult. Filing, granting, and enforcing such
legal orders always (a) leaves the primary problems unsolved, and
(b) adds new sources of hostility, disrespect, and distrust to prior
(unresolved) disputes). Occasionally, such orders are truly justified to
preserve an adult's or child's safety short term. Often there are much
more effective options available to all involved adults than invoking
legal force and intervention.
A major premise here is that filing for legal restraint and protection
is a symptom of a family-wide problem, not just one person being
dangerously out of control. Focusing only on the accused-person's
behavior and the threatened person's well-being and safety will usually
miss the underlying primary family problems that are
causing the conflicts: false-self wounds, ineffective communication, and
unawareness of effective ways to identify and fill each person's
personal and relationship needs.
Based on 27 years'
clinical experience with combative ex mates using the (Illinois)
judicial system to resolve their problems, this two-page article (a)
offers perspective on this, (b) outlines practical alternatives to legal
force for the person who files, (c) options for the accused person, and
(d) options for other affected adults, like stepparents or close
relatives. This supplements articles on avoiding and resolving
disputes over legal parenting agreements,
and options for family-court attorneys
and judges.
Related articles:
-
11 common causes
of most divorced-family and stepfamily surface problems
-
Avoiding and resolving disputes over
legal parenting agreements
-
Why using
legal force to resolve family disputes is usually
lose-lose-lose, long term
-
An overview of
Project 10 - build an effective co-parenting team together
-
Typical co-parent
barriers, and links to
solution-options
-
Suggestions for choosing an effective
stepfamily counselor
-
Perspective on how to evaluate
stepfamily advice and
books
-
Common questions
co-parents should ask - and links to answers and resources
-
Guidebooks
for co-parents, based on the ideas in this nonprofit
divorce-prevention Web site
The Web address of
this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/10/protection.htm.