The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/11/advice.htm
Continued from p. 1...
To
make these abstract ideas more real, consider these...
Examples of Impractical and Harmful Advice
Three main causes of impractical stepfamily advice are the advisor's
unawareness of...
-
their lack of knowledge of these
core topics,
-
focusing on
surface problems, not the
that cause them; and
-
people (i.e. most co-parents) being often controlled by a
that won't or can't follow the best-intentioned advice.
To see this in action, read this
true story.
Typical human needs are surface symptoms of underlying
By
definition, impractical advice is difficult or impossible to follow to
fill current primary needs - e.g. "You should appreciate what
you have, and be happy." Who can argue with this suggestion? Can you name
someone who is able to do it consistently?
Even impractical self-help advice
will help by increasing self-awareness, within limits. However,
most advisors and advisees don't know what they don't know about
stepfamilies - which puts co-parents and supporters at risk of wasted
efforts, false hopes, and increased stresses.
Typical self-help publications,
e-newsletters, Website articles and forums, and tapes are jammed with
well-meant, impractical advice like the examples below. Needy people
will feel "That's great advice!" and then find that "for some reason"
(a) they are unable to follow it, or (b) they try, and the idea doesn't work
(reduce their surface problems.) Have you ever been unable to keep sincere
New Years resolutions? Ever tried and failed to quit smoking, stop
overspending, or keep off 15 unwanted pounds? How do you explain that?
Why Some Advice is Impractical
Typical normal
(like yours) seem to be comprised of a group of devoted
I
have studied the traits and dynamics of typical groups of subselves
since 1988. A common dynamic is that distrustful
subselves ignore and overrule the desire of other subselves to change some
attitude or behavior, in order to soothe upset and
right now. The Guardians act with the best intentions - often based
on outdated information, skewed perceptions and logic, and not wanting to
give up their rank and "job."
For example: you feel an important person is displeased with you.
Your tireless
starts chanting what a bad friend / lover / sibling / child /
co-worker you are. Your reactive
subself moans and feels like groveling and over-apologizing, and your
ever-vigilant
generates vivid worst-case images of how this person will "tell
everyone how bad you are," they all will scorn and reject you, and you'll
end up alone, unloved, depressed, and in terminal despair. Your shrill
moans that the other person won't want to cooperate, and your
creatively justifies putting off trying to trying to talk. Your
zealous
makes that seem perfectly reasonable.
Your sensitive
and
inner children (Vulnerable subselves) activate, flooding you with
their "bad feelings" and "negative thoughts" on top of those from the
Guardian subselves. Your practical
and true Self read or hear
sound advice that you ought to (a)
on what you feel and need, (b) seek feedback from the other person about
their feelings and needs, and (c) ask her or him to problem-solve with
you as mutually-respectful partners.
Because some Guardian and Vulnerable subselves distrust your Self, and
that talented inner leader, you (a) behave like
this, (b) violate your integrity, (c)
ignore the wise advice, and (d) feel shamed, guilty,
self-distrustful, confused, and defensive. In other words,
your ruling subselves wouldn't
let you follow the practical counsel you read or heard, because
they imposed their own narrow agendas. All this is unconscious, until you start
to learn how to harmonize the subselves that comprise your personality
(i.e. progress on
Common Examples of
Impractical Advice
These are taken verbatim from a well-regarded self-help book for stepfamily
mates. Typical wounded co-parents will agree with these - and their false
selves will prevent them from acting on them:
|
use rough times to
enhance rather than destroy your relationship
be empathic and as
... supportive as possible
realize that there
are some gender differences
collaborate on a
(conflict) settlement
come up with (an
agreement) that you both consider fair |
air your angry
feelings
don't be afraid to
disagree
agree
to disagree, or postpone a decision
communicate personally and
creatively
base your talks on
facts
you must flush out
your immediate ... concerns |
This advice is taken verbatim from a well-known stepfamily Web site:
|
Recognize the hard
fact that the (step)children are not yours and they never will be.
Discipline styles
must be sorted out by the couple.
The norms and forms
of (child) discipline must be discussed and agreed to by the couple.
The conflict of
loyalties ...are normal and must be dealt with.
Approach issues
with the intention of partnering to a mutual agreement, not winning
the argument.
Don't take (step)kid's
negative behavior as a personal insult.
Over-disciplining
your stepchildren" Watch It! Under-disciplining your own children"
Watch It!
Go slow. Don't come
on too strong (as a stepparent). |
Establish clear job
descriptions between the parent, stepparent and respective children.
Begin to get
information on how to best handle the prior spouse.
Be patient with
your husband, the kids, and yourself.
Be a sounding board
for your partner as the two of you discuss the household setup.
Schedule time to go
out alone, to dine alone. Don't talk about step(family issues).
Know the dynamics
of step. Know when to attribute (blame) the step situation and know
when it is something that you as a couple must sort out.
Be prepared for
conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step
relationship. |
If one or both partners' false selves are running the show, partners will
find it hard or impossible to follow such well-meant advice. Over time,
that's apt to lower their self-esteem and confidence, raise their guilt, and
wither their hope for effective problem-solving.
Potentially
Harmful
Stepfamily Advice
In this context, advice or misinformation is harmful if it
significantly...
-
lowers the family's
and/or promotes or amplifies false-self
in kids and adults, and/or...
-
increases these core
and/or...
-
hinders filling
and/or kids' developmental or
family-adjustment needs; and/or...
-
promotes these common co-parent teamwork
and/or...
-
reduces family members'
in the eyes of a neutral, knowledgeable observer; and/or...
-
misleads other people considering or in
stepfamilies and/or their supporters.
"Significantly" is inevitably a subjective
judgment. Note two implications: (a) in order to judge whether advice is
harmful, the judge/s (e.g. typical co-parents and supporters) need to be
familiar with all these criteria - and few are; (b)
stepfamily and re/marital advice
that promotes the opposite of these criteria is probably
nurturing.
Common Examples
In my
research since 1979, I have identified over 60
common unrealistic, potentially harmful expectations about stepfamily
structure, realities, and dynamics. Here's a representative sample, which
are often found in well-meaning self-help publications, Web sites, and
professional counsel:
-
Remarried bioparents should put their kids'
needs
and stepparents should support and accept that.
-
Love and/or pious faith in a loving God will conquer all
(stepfamily problems).
-
The other divorced parent
(ex mate) is not a co-equal
of a new stepfamily.
-
Stepparents and stepkids, stepsiblings, and
co-grandparents should love each other
like biofamily members.
-
New stepfamilies will "settle down" within a
few months of re/wedding.
-
Bioparents shouldn't have to
choose between pleasing or supporting their new mate and their prior child/ren.
-
Divorced parents are wiser the second time
around, and won't make the same mistakes.
-
Stepfamily marriage is basically the same as
first marriage.
-
Stepfamily courtship and/or cohabiting is a
reliable indicator of life after re/marriage.
-
Having an "ours" child will definitely
reduce existing stepfamily conflicts and strengthen a fragile
re/marriage.
-
A stepparent legally adopting a stepchild
will surely increase the bonds and loyalty among household and
stepfamily members.
-
Stepfamily holidays and gatherings should
feel pretty much like intact-biofamily celebrations.
-
Typical co-parents and supporters know all
they need to know about bonding, losses, and healthy grief.
-
Any licensed, veteran human-service
professional with advanced degrees can be trusted to give practical,
useful stepfamily, re/marital, and co-parenting advice.
Every one of these is usually
wrong. There
are many other common examples of toxic or harmful advice, but you get the
idea...
|
The bottom line:
authorize yourself and your partner to (a) learn stepfamily
basics, and (b) critically
evaluate the credentials of anyone offering you stepfamily advice!
|
Recap
Two of many challenges that co-parents in typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies face are to (a) discern who is qualified to advise them, and
(b) how to
tell meaningful, accurate advice from misguided, impractical or harmful
counsel. Because typical co-parents don't know what they need to know, it's
difficult for them to discern whom to trust with what advice. This is
critical, for one of
most co-parents face is
Based on 29
years' research and experience, this article offers perspective and
guidelines about (a) whom to trust as a qualified stepfamily or re/marital advisor, and (b)
how to judge whether advice is relevant and useful, impractical, or potentially harmful.
The article
includes real examples of the latter.
Also see these related articles:
-
how to select a qualified stepfamily
counselor
-
how to select better re/marriage,
co-parenting, and stepfamily-related self-help
books
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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