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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/11/booklist.htm

I believe typical readers (you) can gain valuable awareness from reading any of these books. However, none of these stepfamily, re/marriage, communication, or grieving books alert readers to...

• the prevalence and common impacts of false-self wounds,  

• the vital difference between surface needs and underlying primary needs,

• how to spot and free up blocked grief,

• communication basics and skills we all need to avoid and resolve major personal and relationship problems,

• the vital ingredients of high-nurturance families,

• how courting co-parents can make three wise re/marital decisions for themselves and their present and future kids to help avoid likely psychological or legal re/divorce,  

• what it means to be in a stepfamily,

• how to identify and resolve common child-raising barriers between divorced and stepfamily co-parents, and...

• what typical stepkids need.

        Unawareness of these factors will usually block the best educated, most determined readers from applying the well-meant advice in the books below. For this reason, I have written six unique guidebooks  for co-parents, supporters, trauma-recoverers, and lay and clinical students. The series integrates (a) the key Web articles and worksheets in this site, and (b) the essential topics above.

        For suggestions on how to choose useful stepfamily-related self-help books, read this.

Note - links below will take you directly to the book at Amazon.com. Some are out of print, and Amazon, Alibris.com, abooksearch.com, and other online booksellers can often help you mail-order used copies. Titles in bold below are specially recommended.

Communication Skills

Brain Sex - The Real Difference Between Men and Women, by Anne Moir, Ph.D., and David Jessel; Dell Publishing division of Bantam Doubleday, New York, New NY; 1993. An enlightening, well-researched, non-technical look at why "male brains" and "female brains" experience the world - and communicate - very differently. Adds valuable perspective to Tannen's book (below).

The Dance of Anger - A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.; Harper and Rowe, Publishers, Inc., New York, NY; 1985. A 239 pp. paperback. Though slanted toward women, this is an excellent book for anyone wishing to express and use anger constructively.

Couple Communication I - Talking Together, by S. Miller, E. Nunnally, and D. Wackman; Interpersonal Communications, Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1979. A 174 pp. paperback. Also available: a 1982 4-session workshop guide with 2 audio tapes, based on the book.

If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say - Learning to Communicate With the Ones You Love, by Dr. Nathaniel Branden; Bantam Books, New York, NY; 1983. A classic 293 pp. paperback text and workbook. Well worth searching for.

People Skills - How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts, by, Robert Bolton, Ph.D.; Prentiss Hall, Inc. Spectrum Books; Englewood Cliffs, NJ;1986. A clear, practical 300 pp. paperback, selected by the American Management Association. Totally applicable to couples and families.

You Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation; by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., Ballentine Books, New York, NY; 1991. A highly readable, practical 330 pp. paperback on the differing communication styles of men and women, by an empathic, perceptive linguistics professor.

  Effective Grieving

The Courage To Grieve - Creative Living, Recovery, & Growth Through Grief; by Judy Tatelbaum; Perennial Library, Harper & Row, Publishers, New York, NY; 1980. A realistic and positive approach to moving through loss, by a professional grief counselor.

Good Grief Rituals - Tools for Healing, by Elaine Childs-Gowell, A.R.N.P; Ph.D.; Station Hill Press, Barrytown, NY; 1992. Brief, clear, relevant, and helpful.

The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses; by John W. James and Russell Friedman (Paperback - June 1998). Recommended by Sierra Tucson Recovery Program.

Necessary Losses - The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have To Give Up in Order to Grow; by Judith Viorst; Fireside Books paperback, reprinted 1998. Though a little heavy on the Freudian, this was a New York Times best-seller because it is compassionately insightful for us each.

No Time For Goodbyes - Coping With Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death; by Janice Harris Lord; Pathfinder Publishing; Ventura, CA, 1990. A paperback specially helpful for those who have suffered the violent or unexpected death of a loved one.

Rebuilding - When Your Relationship Ends; by Bruce Fisher, Ed. D.; Impact Publishers paperback, San Louis Obispo, CA; 1995 (2nd ed.). A warm, practical guide for adults healing from broken primary-relationship bonds.

Transitions - Strategies for Coping With the Difficult, Painful, and Confusing Times in Your Life, by William Bridges, Ph.D.; Addison-Wesley Publishing Co., New York, NY; 1980. A wonderfully clear, compassionate, practical way of understanding and managing the endings, chaos, and new beginnings we all experience throughout our lives. Related workbook available.

Adult Relationships and Re/marriage

Addictive Relationships - Reclaiming Your Boundaries, by Joy Erlichman Miller; Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield beach, FL; 1989. A good introduction to the subject.

codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melodie Beattie; Harper & Row, Inc. New York, NY; 1996 (2nd ed.) A classic look at the often-confusing subject of "codependence" (compulsive loss of Self), and what to do about it.

Embracing Our Selves - the Voice Dialog Manual; by Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Winkelman, Ph.D.; New World Library, San Rafael, CA; 1992. An interesting 257 pp. paperback that introduces and validates the many selves that clamor and compete within us. This is specially helpful for validating and healing the false-self wounds common to most Grown Wounded Children (GWCs).

Embracing Each Other - Relationship as Teacher, Healer, & Guide; by Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Winkelman, Ph.D.; 1992. New World Library, San Rafael, CA. A 235 pp. extension of their first book, examining how the many selves within several people interact. This is what Hendrix (below) leaves out.

Getting The Love You Want - a Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.; Harper Collins (Perennial Library); 1992. Related workbooks and audio tapes available. 

Is It Love, or Is It Addiction?; by Brenda Schaeffer; Hazeldon Educational Materials, Healthy Relationship Series; Center City, MN; 1997 (2nd ed.); A well-exampled 157-page paperback by a psychologist, introducing the reality of addictive relationships masquerading as "true love". Specially helpful for recovering Grown Wounded Children considering stepfamily re/marriage. Cassette available.

Keeping The Love You Find - a Guide for Singles; by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.; Pocket Books, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.; New York, NY; 1993. A thought-provoking 329 pp. paperback which says that without awareness, most marriage decisions are made by our unconscious minds. Hendrix posits that the real aim of marriage is to heal one’s Self by intentionally supporting the healing of your partner. "Healing" relates to a cascading series of emotional/spiritual wounds  many of us receive unintentionally in our first 6-8 years. Helpful related workbook and tapes also available.

Making Your Second Marriage a First-class Success, by Doug and Naomi Mosely; Prima Publishing, Rockland, CA, 1998. By remarried veteran therapists in a stepfamily. Helpful: clear, direct, and realistic. Themes: self-awareness and clear expression of feelings and needs, and growing individual true selves. No focus on grieving, stepfamily norms, or healing personal inner wounds.

The Good Marriage - How and Why Love Lasts, by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra, Blakeslee; Warner Books, 1996. Readable, well organized and informative conclusions, from interviewing 50 happy couples.

The New Peoplemaking; by Virginia Satir: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., Palo Alto, CA; 1988. A 400 pp. paperback update of the classic text on healthy personal and family relations, by a self-actualized, master therapist.

Stepcoupling - Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family, by Susan Wisdom, LPC; and Jennifer Green; Three Rivers Press, New York (2002). This is a readable, clear introduction to healthy stepfamily remarriage. Like most others, it stops well short of identifying and offering solutions for the underlying real reasons most re/marriages collapse. It's still helpful and illustrative.

The Struggle for Intimacy, by Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D.; Health Communications, Inc.; Deerfield Beach, FL;1985. A brief, bullseye writing from a seasoned, veteran, recovering therapist and teacher.

Women Who Love Too Much - When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change, by Robin Norwood; Pocket Books, New York, NY; 1991. Helpful for women and men in codependent (addictive) relationships.

  Stepfamilies, Co-parenting, and Stepkids

        In 1999, I found over 80 titles on stepfamilies and "stepparenting" published in the prior 15 years. More have appeared since then. Many are out of print, which indicates no reader demand for them. These are representative:

Adult Children Raising Children: Sparing Your Child from Co-Dependency - Without Being Perfect Yourself; by Randy Colton Rolfe (Paperback, February 1990). Recommended by Sierra Tucson recovery center. This is about healthy parenting by wounded parents, not stepfamilies.

The ACoA's Guide to Raising Healthy Children - A parenting handbook for Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Dr. Jim Mastrich and Bill Birnes; Macmillan Publishing Co., New York, NY; 1988. The subtitle should read "a parenting handbook for Grown Wounded Children (GWCs)." This is about healthy parenting, not stepfamilies - and is totally applicable.

Breaking the Cycle of Addiction - a Parent's Guide to Raising Healthy Kids, by Patricia O'Gorman and Philip Oliver-Diaz; Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.; 1987. This is specially helpful for GWC co-parents in recovery. Not about stepfamilies per se.

The Good Stepmother - a Practical Guide, by Karen Savage and Patricia Adams; Crown Publishers, Inc., New York, NY; 1988.

Growing Up Divorced - Helping Your Child Through The Stages…; by Linda Bird Franke; Linden Press, Simon & Schuster, Inc.; New York, NY; 1983.

Healthy Parenting - an Empowering Guide for Adult Children, by Janet G. Woititz, Ed. D.; A Fireside / Parkside Recovery Book; Simon & Schuster, New York, NY;1992. A wise, clear text for co-parents striving to break the Grown Wounded Child emotional bequest. (Not about stepfamilies.)

How To Win as a Stepfamily, by Drs. John and Emily Visher; 2nd ed.; Brunner/Mazel 205 pp. paperback, 1991. A classic, from the dedicated co-founders of the Stepfamily Association of America. Does not focus on personal healing.

How to Plan an Elegant Second Wedding: Achieving the Wedding You Want With Grace and Style; by Julie Weingarden Dubin; Prima Publishing, 2002 (320 pp.)

Living In A Stepfamily Without Getting Stepped On - Helping Your Children Survive the Birth-order Blender; by Dr. Kevin Leman; Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, TN; 1994. Helpful perspective on how kids' and adults' birth-orders can make stepfamily-mergers more challenging.

Making It as a Stepparent - New Roles, New Rules, by Claire Berman; Harper & Row, New York, NY. A classic, updated in 1986. Berman is a former president of the Stepfamily Association of America.

Making Peace in Your Stepfamily - Surviving and Thriving as Parents and Stepparents; by Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., with Robert B. Kory; Hyperion Books, New York, NY; 1993. Provides many clear, practical suggestions, from a veteran stepfather and clinician.

Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage - Handling Delicate Financial Issues With Love and Understanding; by Patricia Schiff Estess. Betterway Publications paperback, 2nd ed.; 1996. By the remarried founding editor of Sylvia Porter's Personal Finance Magazine.

Second Chances - Men, Women, & Children a Decade After Divorce; Who Wins, Who Loses, and Why; by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee; Houghton Mifflin Co.; 1996 revision (follow-on to "Surviving the Breakup" below). This book was controversial because it painted a gloomy picture, from imperfect research. I think it's worth reading, though the authors make little mention of the family trauma that always precedes separation and divorce,  or it's early roots.

Self-Esteem: a Family Affair, by Jean Illsley Clarke (Paperback, October 1998). Ms. Clarke's work is highly regarded by family-health professionals. Applies to all  families.

Stepfamily Realities - How to Overcome Difficulties and Have a Happy Family; by Margaret Newman; New Harbinger 257-pp. paperback, 1994. By a veteran Australian stepmother, therapist, and educator, this is one of two best stepfamily books I have read in 29 years of research. The other is "Becoming a Stepfamily," by Patricia Papernow. Also see Margaret's new book: "Stepfamily Life - why it is different, and how to make it work" (Finch Publishers, Lane Cove, Australia; 2004).

Stepfather (2nd Ed.), by Tony Gorman; Gentle Touch Publishers, Inc.; Boulder, CO. 1985. One of the few books for inquiring stepdads.

Stepkids: A Survival Guide for Teenagers in Stepfamilies, by Ann Getzoff and Carolyn McClenahan; Walker & Co., New York, NY. 1984. A classic - worth searching for.

Stepparent Adoption, a Resource Book, by Tim O'Hanlon, PhD; Adoption Shop; 2004

Surviving the Breakup - How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce, by Judith S. Wallerstein and Joan B. Kelly; Basic Books, Inc., New York, NY; 1982. Useful perspective for understanding and healing prior divorce wounds.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families - Building a Beautiful Family Culture in a Turbulent World, by Steven Covey and Sandra Merrill Covey; Golden Books Co.; 1998. Recommended on the clarity and practicality of Covey's best-selling "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

The Truth About Stepfamilies - Real American Stepfamilies Speak Out About What Works and What Doesn't When it Comes to Creating a Family Together, by stepmother and journalist Anne O'Connor. Marlowe & Co., New York, NY, 2003. A readable synthesis of the self reports of eight typical US stepfamilies, garnished with advice from various experts. This illustrates many stepfamily realities, and omits some key topics because the interviewees, author, and quoted experts aren't aware of them.    

The Stepfamily: Living, Loving, and Learning, by Elizabeth Einstein; Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., New York, NY; 1982. A classic, by a devoted stepfamily educator. Includes nothing on healing inner wounds, as the "Adult Child" movement was just starting at this time.

Weddings, A Family Affair: The New Etiquette for Second Marriages and Couples with Divorced Parents, by Margorie Engel, Ph.D; Wilshire Publications, 1998. Margorie is a stepmom, and the dedicated president of the Stepfamily Association of America.

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An Associate  /  Updated November 18, 2008