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http://sfhelp.org/11/project11.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article outlines the eleventh of
co-parents can work at to
strengthen their stepfamily and re/marriage to protect against five common
PROJECT
11: Co-parents build a
family support network, and use it
together.
Why?
Because for most
co-parents, doing the 10 ongoing stepfamily-
building Projects
amidst other life responsibilities and activities is confusing, alien, stressful, and sometimes
overwhelming.
They and their kids need empathic, informed help along the way! While building careers,
friendships, and doing daily life chores, most new co-parents must...
-
Replace up to 60 stepfamily
myths with
realistic expectations; and...
-
Agree on and stabilize up to 30
stepfamily
with 60 to 100+ members of three or more merging
biofamilies; and...
-
Co-ordinate everyone
16 groups of
tangible and invisible things with little social guidance; and...
-
Learn how to form an effective co-parenting
of
different
caregivers, to help each stepchild with normal developmental tasks, plus over 30 concurrent
adjustment needs; while they work to...
-
Adapt to up to 43
environmental differences between stepfamily co-parenting and traditional bioparenting;
and...
-
Resolve scores of alien
and interpersonal conflicts over stepfamily
and
assets,
names, goals, and household and stepfamily responsibilities; while they...
-
Resolving unfinished
and
legal
business from prior marriages; and...
-
Healing false-self
keeping their personal health,
wealth, (and sense
of humor), building a healthy re/marriage,
developing careers, and finding enough vital times to relax,
refresh, play, and rest.
- all at once!
Project 11
Goals: All
related co-parents...
-
Acknowledge early that they and
their minor and grown kids will need effective support with all these complex concurrent
challenges, as they build and stabilize their complex multi-home stepfamily;
-
Help each other get clear on when they
need support, and with what;
-
Learn to discern
effective vs. counterproductive
stepfamily support;
-
Overcome any excessive pride, distrust, and anxiety; and....
-
Ask for - and accept - informed help from their Higher Powers,
each other and other family members, friends, other co-parents, selected professionals,
and relevant media experts.
Questions...
Why is this a specific project? Don't stressed stepfamily
adults naturally ask for help? Some do, most don't -
and most re/divorce. Because of stepfamily
and the rarity of
informed social, professional, and media stepfamily help, the
co-parents that do seek help either use misguided advice, or can't
find effective
help (e.g. a well-run co-parent
support group, an informed
or an educational
Many co-parents seek help only in a stepfamily
when the accumulated
results and momen-tum of the five related
may be too
advanced to correct.
My
experience is also that most single and re/married co-parents come
from
child-hoods, and are unaware of
resulting
This means that most are ...
-
used to coping without help,
and...
-
reluctant to accept
help (specially men), and/or...
-
are over-dependent on others' help, and/or
...
-
are so disorganized and distracted that they don't
know they or their kids
need help.
Effective work on
can improve this, over
time.
A
third reason for this vital 11th project is that the most helpful stepfamily support is
often
and emotional,
and we males aren't famous for
self-awareness or seeking these. We're used to grudgingly relying on
nurturing
females to persuade, cajole, and invite us to get needed help, unless we're in a major
crisis. There are certainly exceptions to this.
What is a "support
network"? A dynamic group of
stepfamily-aware co-parents,
relatives, friends, and professionals who are willing and able to
listen
objectively; empathize and
encourage respectfully;
give time,
energy, and spirit to overburdened, bewildered co-parents and kids;
guide
and teach, when they know more; and lovingly
confront; when needed.
Ideally, the first line of support in a multi-home stepfamily is the three or more related co-parents, and their key relatives and friends. In real life, such people are
often stepfamily-ignorant, adversarial, overburdened,
and/or indifferent, rather than consistently centered and
supportive.
The second line is clergy, family-law professionals,
school personnel, and counselors. Unfortunately, few such helpers now receive meaningful
training on stepfamily basics, and how to help co-parents and kids with
them.
What's the biggest success
factor in co-parents forming an effective support network? The core
ones are courting partners...
-
Accept that they're forming a complex, alien,
high-risk stepfamily
-
Learn clearly what that
(
and
...
-
Work hard on psychological-wound assessment and healing
Together, these lay the foundation for realizing
together they and their kids will need help along the way, dissolving excessive pride,
ambivalence, and anxiety about that; and learning what kinds of help they need, and where
to get it.
When should typical co-parents start
looking for informed help? Well before their re/marriage! The most
relevant early support is informed
authors and counselors who can teach courting
co-parents realistically why they should be motivated to research picking the
right stepfamily
to commit to, for the right
at the
right
- i.e. to do
How can re/married
couples achieve their support-building goals? Together, partners
select from
these...
Project 11
Options
Each
stepfamily will need its own unique set of options like these, across
many years. Like the other co-parent Projects, this one is an ongoing process
which gets easier with time and accumulated experience and wisdoms.
Note
this link index for all Project-11 pages.
1) Each co-parent grow your
awareness of the support options available. Discuss this together and see what you learn.
2)
Identify and discuss each of your
co-parents'
attitudes (beliefs) and
values (good/bad, right/wrong)
about (a) seeking "support" and (b) accepting it, as you
build your complex web of stepfamily relationships, roles, and rituals. Toxic
attitudes to watch for are "Being confused and asking for help show
weakness."
No, they (usually) show awareness and strength.
Another common toxic belief:
"We're veteran adults, mates, and parents, so we shouldn't need support in building a
stepfamily." Review the 60 differences and
myths about typical multi-home stepfamilies, the
for the ~60%
(?) U.S. re/divorce statistic, and rethink
that!
3)
Each co-parent get clear on, then help
each minor and grown child to learn how to
below surface
needs (e.g. "I need you to listen") to discern the
underlying
("I
need to feel respected and valued by you and feel I'm not alone.").
Effective support helps kids and adult fill current
primary
needs!
4)
Each of you invest time in
building a credible personal
Bill of Rights. Then help
each minor and grown child and other interested stepfamily members build and
use
their own. If your
is
your
these beliefs empower
you to
your need for supports
without
crippling ambivalence,
and anxiety!
Review and discuss your Bills on anniversaries and in times of personal,
home, or stepfamily crisis. Unrecovering,
survivors of low-nurturance childhoods
will probably have trouble drafting or using their Bill.
|
Option 5) As
all three or more related co-parents help each other
progress on safeguard Projects
while keeping
everyone balanced
If you haven't made much progress yet,
overview this eleventh project anyway, and use it together as you do the other projects.
|
Next
- overview