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Project
of
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help each other evolve and use a support
network |
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Co-parent Support Group
Problem Solving,
Making a Phone
Tree,
and Group Resources
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
page is http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-thriv3.htm
This
is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family
relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each
article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs.
replace,
other
professional help. The
"/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents"
means both bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a
multi-home nuclear stepfamily. Clicking links below will open an
informational pop-up
or a full window, so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is the ninth of 10
Web
pages focusing
on building an effective support group for stepfamily bioparents and stepparents.
Option: download a free booklet (#15)
containing all these pages.
 Helping Your
Group Thrive - concluded
After the first
general session, what will keep co-parents coming back? What will attract new people?
Both questions hinge on "what do typical stepfamily adults need"? A key factor
is how the group generally reacts to members' stepfamily "problems."
4)
Group
Problem-Solving
When people leave a
co-parent support-group meeting with some practical new ideas on how to manage a difficult
situation at home - everyone feels good! Some suggestions on how to promote that:
After someone has vented for a while, ask
something like: "do you need to be heard more now, or do you want us to help
If they choose the former
- honor that. If the speaker/s
want to problem-solve (vs. venting),
ask them to honestly discuss three questions:
"Specifically, what do you (each)
want in this situation?";
"What,
specifically, have you tried, and what did you get?";
and …
"What’s
in the way (of you each getting most of what you want)?" This
works best if the speaker/s report factually, vs. blame!
Avoid judging
or discounting the speaker/s, or telling them what they want. They’re
the experts on their own needs, feelings, and limits!
Be alert for the speakers
unconsciously using biofamily expectations rather than appropriate stepfamily realities in forming their goals. If you feel they may
have unrealistic expectations, ask if they're willing to do some
open minded reality-checking with other veteran co-parents or authorities.
empathically: Paraphrase back to the speaker/s concisely and specifically what
you hear their wants are (including any guesstimated stepkids’ and other
co-parents' wants!), until you get agreement. This nonjudgmental feedback process
usually generates more clarity on what people really want. It can sound like
"So you want your stepson to acknowledge you more when you sit across from him at
dinner - and you want your mate to support you in this.";
Usually, stepfamily conflicts and dilemmas
come in layered clusters, rather than neatly packaged one at a time. Help the speaker
distill down and separate their layers and clusters.
Pick
specific problem at a time to work on, and stay focused on it. Spot
and avoid bringing up related and separate problems. Be alert for generalities:
"I want us to feel more like a regular family" is too big and too general.
Refine
generalities down to small targets. "I want to get clear on how much money
to contribute to my stepdaughter’s college fund" is specific and manageable.
Commonly, after co-parenting
the next most "popular" group of
stepfamily stressors usually involves unfinished conflicts with co-parenting
ex mates.
Note your inevitable decision about whether such ex-mate co-parents are
of each of your multi-home stepfamilies or not.
Your kids certainly include them!
If you exclude them, and don’t try to consider
their needs
with your kids’ and your own, I
believe you have little chance to
effectively.
You also guarantee putting your kids painfully "in the middle" - which
promotes their shame, frustration, insecurity, acting out, and rejecting their stepparent/s.
Consider asking a volunteer member of your
group to role-play each of the speaker/s’ missing stepfamily
members who are involved in this problem-solving situation - including
ex
mates, kids, and absent stepparents! Ask them to "speak for" the missing adult
or child in as realistic a way as possible, and say honestly what they feel and
want.
Stay aware: this is not an acting competition or a blame festival, it's an
exercise! Even if the stand-ins aren't on target, the process can
help focus on and clarify what everyone feels and
Once agreed on
who wants what, brainstorm as a group on options that exist to get
everyone’s
needs met, not just the speaker/s’. Don’t shoot down ideas as they
emerge, just collect possibilities. Be free to be as nutty and creative as possible.
Focus
steadily on what might work, vs. what won’t. Avoid this turning into a
contest over "Who can think of the best idea." This is a team effort
in
which often everybody can win, for the group brainstorming process usually
generates helpful ideas for each member on their own stepfamily issues...
Stay focused on stepfamily members’
needs, not
their personalities or actions. Also, stay focused on your shared
problem-solving process, and don’t get sidetracked on other members’
issues or stories. Stay with this process until (a) the speakers say
"Thanks - that’s enough" or (b) you run out of group time. Stay clear on who
owns
the stated problem: the speaker does, not your whole group or another group member.
You each retain the responsibility for attending your own needs.
If a member who
requested group brain-storming doesn’t offer feedback on the outcome over time - ask
them respectfully "What happened?" You’re all unique students
and
teachers here. Everyone can learn from each other’s individual co-parenting and
re/marital experiments and actions.
Leader/s:
stay focused on your group’s problem-solving
If at any time it turns into a competition, a lecture, or a blaming carnival, rather
than a team effort - stop and refocus the group on it’s own process. Ask how
the current process feels, and whether it feels productive - or "is this (process)
why you came here?" Stay aware that some people need to vent more than to
problem-solve at times - but that can be done to excess. Venting doesn't
solve (change)
anything. Incidentally, you can use this same problem-solving framework on
your group-process conflicts, just like members' stepfamily conflicts
...
You can see that
this multi-step
process takes
time, dedication, and concentration to harvest it’s full benefits. If you use a
group session for problem-solving, allot at least 30" or more for one problem. If you
have too much other business - including too many people who need to vent - postpone this
process, or encourage the problem owner/s to do it at home and share the outcome.
|
Notice that this mutual-respect
group
problem-solving process invites your members to operate like a
("functional") family.
What would happen if each member took this conflict-resolution process
home and practiced it consistently in and between their stepfamily homes? |
Another way to help
your group thrive is to...
5)
Develop and Use a "Phone-tree"
As a way of
extending your group’s support, consider asking members to set up a phone or calling
tree. That produces a continually-updated list of names and phone numbers, and OK times to
call. If any group member falls into a stepfamily
they’ll have some
support people to contact right away, rather than waiting a
week or more for the next meeting.
Option: when anyone gets such a call for support, they can use the same set of group needs to guide their response. Does the caller need
to vent and be validated, and/or learn ideas,
resources, and solution-options? When in doubt of the caller’s need/s,
ask - then
If the caller wants to do more than just vent, consider using some version of the
problem-solving steps above. Beware trying to "fix" the person unless s/he
has clearly asked for feedback!
A phone tree can also help effectively
broadcast group news (e.g. "meeting canceled, rescheduled, or moved
because..."). This helps protect the group’s leader/s from telephone
burnout.
Support Group "Nutrition" Recap
We've just reviewed
several key ideas on how to keep your new co-parent support group running successfully. They are ...
Stay steadily
focused on the group's aims and goals. One way to do that is to evolve and read a group
mission statement (and maybe a
policy statement) at the start of each
meeting. The meeting leader is responsible for keeping everyone on track;
Screen prospective new
members by phone before they come, or during (or after) the first meeting. If you
honestly feel that therapy or another community program would be more helpful (and protect
your group from disruption), tell the newcomer/s that, promptly, clearly, and
compassionately. Develop an experience-tested professional referral list, and
use
it.
Review the wide range of
agenda possibilities, and
periodically ask the members vote on focal topics of interest to most. Consider inviting
informed guest speakers in on selected topics to add their expertise.
Develop and
use an effective win-win way of
group problem-solving. This applies to both members'
co-parenting
and re/marital problems, and group-process conflicts too.
Develop and use a phone tree as a way of extending the
group's between-meeting support, and broadcasting meeting news.
Support-group
Recap
Average
American multi-home stepfamilies are far more
and
than typical
intact (one-home) biofamilies. Average stepfamilies are at
risk of
eventual psychological or legal re/divorce. Typical re/wedded co-parents and their kids
need a lot of education, patience, and knowledgeable
support
for years after their nuptials.
A well-designed, well-led stepfamily
co-parent (vs. "stepparent")
support group can be a Godsend! Starting and maintaining such groups
is hard work - and they can be very useful, satisfying and gratifying. The real beneficiaries of such group efforts
are all the co-parents’ minor stepkids.
From
experience with over 15 Midwestern co-parent support groups since 1981, this
series of ten
Web pages
suggests what human needs support groups fill, and some ways to fill them effectively
as a team of empathic co-parenting "students" and peers.
This series
offers specific suggestions for organizing a group, and then keeping it running
successfully. These pages are part of the larger set that describe co-parent
Project 11 -
co-parents build a stepfamily support
network, and use it!
Each
co-parent support group is unique, with it’s own mosaic of personal needs,
backgrounds, resources, personalities, and dynamics. And all groups are also the
same, in aiming to help empower their members to be the best people, mates, and co-parents
they can be.
Co-parenting-class
Kits, and Other Support-Group
Resources
Before
choosing resources for your group, consider this perspective on evaluating stepfamily information and advice.
Build and Maintain an Effective
Co-parents' Support Group - a 30-page printed version of this series
of Web pages. Download
free (in Microsoft WORD format).
Effective
Stepparenting is a 158-page softcover workshop guide covering
developing roles and creating a new
divided loyalties, the "instant
love" myth, competition, discipline, and family rules. Questionnaires, checklists,
exercises, and a bibliography are included. Available from the
Alliance for
Children and Families) ~$20;
New Beginnings: Skills for Single Parents and
Stepparents, by Drs. Don Dinkmeyer, Gary McKay, and Joyce McKay. An 8-session
audio-visual package of materials covering parenting issues, self-esteem,
relationships and behavior, personality and emotional development, communication skills,
decision making, child discipline, and common family conflicts. From Research Press,
P.O. Box 3177, Dept. 97, Champaign, IL, 61826; (217) 352-3273.
Smart Steps
for Adults and Children in Stepfamilies -
developed by Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder and colleagues. This 12-hour research-based,
educational program curriculum is for remarried or partnering couples and
their children, and focuses on building couple and family strength. The
program uses informational presentations, hands-on exercises, group
discussions, and media.
The 250+ page Curriculum includes: leader lesson
guides for adult and child programs, background readings, hand-out masters,
resource list pre/post evaluation questionnaires, two videos (the movie,
"Stepmom" and "Smart Steps Video Vignettes"), and CD with power point slides,
hand-out files, and evaluation forms). Order from the
National Stepfamily resource Center
(NSRC).
$150.00
Starting
and Operating Support Groups: a Guide for Parents; (1992); 22 pages, published
by The
Family Resource Coalition of America:
(now "Family Support America") 200 S.
Michigan Ave., 16th floor; Chicago, IL, 60604: Item # CO13, about $5.00. (312)-341-0900;
FAX: 312-314-9361.
"...This manual defines support groups,
gives (parents) tips for planning the first and subsequent meetings, and offers
thoughts on
maintaining a healthy group...."
This is written for parents in general, not
stepfamily co-parents. It’s a wealth of practical ideas from those who have done
it before. Other references are included.
Strengthening Stepfamilies, by Linda
Albert and Elizabeth Einstein (1986), is a
set of three audio tapes, participant workbooks, exercises, and leader materials. It's
flexible and modular, and can be done on a weekend or (better) in five sessions.
Main topics include "The Stepfamily
is Born of Loss"; "Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations"; "Effective
Stepparents"; "Stages of Stepfamily Living", and "Building Family
Unity". Tapes include vignettes on other step topics: money, conflicting needs,
ghosts from the past, "instant" love, having a new child, adoption, sexuality,
recognition, step-sib rivalry, grandparents, and others.
Designed for study groups of up to 15
people, the kit is available from American
Guidance Service, Publishers' Building, P.O. Box 99, Circle Pines, MN
55014-1796. The kit is approximately $150, and participant packets are $23-$25 each. Order
online (select "Parenting") or call AGS at 1-800-328-2560.
See also this
selected
booklist, and other online stepfamily
resources.
+ + +
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Updated
October 05, 2008
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