The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-topics.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is the last of a series
of
Web articles focusing
on building an effective support group for stepfamily co-parents (bioparents
and stepparents). See
the index for other topics. Option: download
this series as
a free booklet.
Possible Meeting Topics
Though stepfamilies vary widely in structure and
merger-adjustment tasks, there
are many useful support-group discussion topics you can choose
from that most group participants will find useful. Here’s a representative sample,
and source material to guide your discussion. You can also use these
topics to guide invited speakers. Links lead to relevant pages in this
site, and letters in brackets [ ] refer to relevant Break the
Cycle! guidebooks:
[A] =
Who's Really Running Your Life? - co-parent
[B] =
Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know -
[C] =
Stepfamily
Courtship - co-parent
[D] =
Build a
High-nurturance Stepfamily -
[E] =
The Re/marriage Book - overcome common stressors together
-
[F] =
Build a Co-parenting Team after divorce or re/marriage -
Some of these topics are explained
in Web slide-presentations. Note - the current FireFox browser
and Internet Explorer and Netscape browsers older than version 4 will not display these properly.
Option: copy the Web
articles, or parts of them, to
use as meeting handouts:
1) Why do families exist, and
what’s a
family? [A]
2) How do stepfamilies
differ from typical intact biofamilies, and
what do those differences
[C]
3) What do typical co-parents and supporters
need to know about typical stepfamilies?
4) What are the
that put typical stepfamily
co-parents at risk, and what can they
[C]
5) What is false-self
and why
should I
[A],
Options: (a) use one meeting on each of the six false-self wounds:
describe what they are, and key symptoms and healing ideas. (b) use one or several
meetings to discuss
from these wounds [A]. This is a good place to have an
consult, attend, or
present as a guest speaker.
6) What is a family
and
why are they important in
average multi-home stepfamilies? [C]
7) What is
and what
can
This
can be up to eight topics - an overview/introduction, and one meeting on
each of the seven
in
[B]
8) What’s
important about accepting your
as a stepfamily,
and what does that identity
[C]
9)
to your stepfamily? Do you co-parents and each child
agree? Options: (a) practice drawing and discussing your family "maps"
and (b) include focused discussion on
recognizing and resolving stepfamily membership
(inclusion/exclusion) conflicts. Another meaty topic is “What gets in
the way of including your (co-parenting) ex mate as a full member of
your
and what are your options?” [C]
10) How realistic are your
stepfamily expectations? How can you tell?
Covering this can easily extend over several meetings. [C]
11) What is
and why should you care?
There are many options for
subtopics here, like (a) each of the
three grief levels, (b) what’s a family grieving policy?, (c) what’s a
home or family,
(d) common
of blocked
grief, and how to unblock it. [C]
12) What do typical
stepkids need? This can be three or four
meetings, one on kids’ developmental needs, and a meeting each on
adjustment needs from parental death or divorce, and from stepfamily
formation. [C and D]
More possible support-group topics...
13) Three or more possible meeting
topics: (a) What is an
effective co-parent? Are you one? (b) What’s
different about being a stepparent?
[D] (c)
What’s a
and why
are they vital in typical stepfamilies? [C] This should follow a meeting
on stepfamily mission statements - #5 above.
14) Three
or more possible
meetings for courting
co-parents [C]:
Who are the right
to re/marry?
What are the right
to re/marry? And…
What is the right
to
re/marry?
Note this free, downloadable
eight-module
for courting
co-parents. It includes a Leader Guide and visual-aid masters, based on
a course I’ve taught to dozens of groups of courting co-parents. [C]
15) A series of meetings on “building a high-nurturance re/marriage.”
Possible topics:
-
What is
marriage? What’s an effective marriage? [E]
-
What are your
rights, as a unique person of
inherent dignity and worth? [B]
-
What are your real life
these days: how high does your
relationship rank? [E]
-
(a) What are
and
(b) how can
they corrode your relationship, and (c) what are your options for
mastering each of them? [D]
-
What is
and what
are the common
This should follow sessions on the seven
Project 2 communication skills - topic 6 above.
I recommend special emphasis on...
Option:
have group members take and discuss this communication quiz,
and these articles on communicating effectively with
adults and kids. [B]
-
What has
got to do with your
re/marital problem-solving effectiveness? [B]
-
What is “intimacy,” and are you getting
enough recently? Option: review the
and discuss
they can block true
intimacy.
-
What’s the difference between
and how can each of these strengthen your re/marriage?
-
Re/marital mission statements: are you using
your re/wedding vows in your daily life?
-
Does the book “The Good Marriage - How and
Why Love Lasts” (by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee) apply to
stepfamily re/marriage?
-
What makes stepfamily re/marriage hard, and
what are your options? Option: review the five re/marital
from
topic 3 above, and the 12 co-parent safeguard
-
Are ex mates re/marital helps or
hindrances? Caution: guard against this turning into a blame and
bitch festival, and focus on problem-solving and team building
See the “ex mates” articles
[F]
-
Is your
really over
for you and your ex (separately)? How do you know? Option: review the
- topic 10 above.
-
Is
dominance affecting your
re/marriage? See this foundation,
guidebook [A], and “Embracing Each Other,”
by Hal Stone and Sidra Winkleman (New World Library, 1989).
For background and some handouts on all these
Project-8 topics, see: [E] and
“mates” Web
articles.
16) What is effective
child
discipline, and what’s different about
discipline in a typical
stepfamily? Option: review the topics in 12 above, and the one on
(a)
and
(b)
in topic
14 above. [D]
17) How can you reduce
co-parenting conflicts with your stepkids’ “other parent/s,” and
increase your co-parenting teamwork? See [F] or
Web articles.
18) The pros and cons of
child-related legal action between co-parenting ex mates. In my experience, the long-term
cons far outweigh the short-term pros. [F]
19) There is a wide range of
useful group topics about (a) stepkids’ changing homes,
(b) stepchild
adoption, (c) conceiving an
“ours” child, (d) stepparents and stepkids
, (e)
stepsibling problems, (f) optimizing
child visitations, (g) holidays,
and (h) vacations. Your choice among these will be determined by the
specific situations and needs of your support group members. Show group
members this menu and decide which are useful to most people.
20) What do
your co-grandparents and other
step-kin need? See the “Relatives” articles here.
21)
Optimizing co-parent decisions
and resolving conflicts over
money, titles, assets, and debts. This can
be a multi-topic series tailored to fit the interests of most of your
group members. Common interest areas:
-
Co-managing your money - pros and cons of
common vs. separate checking and savings accounts.
-
Making insurance decisions that nourish your
re/marriage.
-
Making estate-planning decisions that
nourish your re/marriage.
-
Optimizing child-support decisions, and
resolving conflicts over them.
For background and suggestions, see these articles on
money and
mates,
ex-mates,
and relatives. Money issues are usually
fertile grounds for
and
conflicts and PVR
relationship
The real issues are usually interactive
false-self
and
co-parents try to resolve uncertainties and conflicts over
money.
helps with the first
[A], and
offers seven
to do the
second effectively. [B]
22) What kinds of
do you
(co-parents) need, and how can you get it? [D]
23) How to use the Internet as a
stepfamily resource: what’s out there, and how can you find it? See
http://sfhelp.org/resources.htm for a partial answer to the first
question, and ask your most computer “literate” group member or a guest
speaker to answer the second. [A]
24)
(a) When should you use a
therapist, (b) what’s a
, and
(c) how can you
find one? See these Q&A and ask
group members for experience-based suggestions and local referrals.
Option: review and discuss how to discern practical stepfamily
advice and qualified
authors. [D]
25) How can you co-build a
high-nurturance stepfamily without losing your personal, re/marital, and
family
[D]
26) Special topics. Your unique
members and their situations may generate stepfamily topics of current
interest to most participants. Because there are over
of normal nuclear stepfamily, some of your members may have special
interests that aren‘t important for most others. It can still be a major
help if such members can vent to others about these, and be empathically
heard. Common special topics:
As you see, there are many topics you can focus on in your
co-parent support group. If you meet once a month, there’s enough here
for several years! The menu above is in roughly sequential order, and is
representative, not exhaustive. The theme of the topics above is
exploring each of the
Note also the support-group materials
and kits here.
Other useful resources for meeting topics:
Recall why you read these support-group articles. Did you get what you
needed? If so - what do you want to do with these ideas? If not, what
you need?
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