Project 11 of 12 - help each other evolve and use a support network
	Worksheet: A Profile of Our Support Network Part 1 - Where You Stand With 59 Innerpersonal Supports (!) By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-part article is http://sfhelp.org/11/support-wks1.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        Typical multi-home stepfamilies are complex, confusing, and often feel alien to both young and adult members, for many years. As you would if you were taking everyone in your three-generational stepfamily on a multi-year sailboat cruise around the world, all  three or more of your related co-parents (stepparents and bioparents) need help in preparing everyone to navigate the stepfamily currents and weathers safely. 

One significant reason that most co-parents re/divorce is that they didn’t intentionally build an effective support network together, early on.

        This Project 11  worksheet aims to help co-parenting partners (a) assess the extent and effectiveness of their support network, and (b) decide if they to strengthen it, and how to do so.

Preparation

                To get the most from investing your time and energy here, 

Choose to believe that you partners’ acting on the results of this worksheet will significantly help you co-parents, kids, and relatives to build strong, healthy stepfamily relationships, over time;

Help each other stay clear that this worksheet is not about "rating" or blaming anyone. It is about _ affirming the stepfamily supports you do have now, and _ becoming clear and motivated to get other needed supports, if you partners decide to do so.

Print this two-part worksheet. Block out at least 30" of undistracted time, and answer the items below thoughtfully and honestly – alone. Doing the worksheet together risks biasing your answers. Avoiding truthful answers jeopardizes your long-range success.

Notice how you feel, as you fill this out, and where your thoughts go. Jot a few notes to yourself as you go about these, to increase your learnings. There is no right or wrong!

Check to see who's leading your personality. If it's not your true Self, expect skewed results from this exercise.

        To validate your need for support, read at least the overview pages of each of the 12 co-parent projects in this site. Remind yourselves that "support" can mean many things:

        The items below relate to four levels of stepfamily support. If you feel sure (vs. ambivalent) that all parts of the item apply, check the item. Together, the checks form a profile of your current supports. Each non-checked item is an opportunity to grow more support for you co-parents and kids on your challenging family enterprise. If you think of other supports, write them in!

As I begin, I’m aware of...

1) Stepfamily Supports Within Me

        There are four areas of internal support you and each co-parenting partner can develop and tap, over time: your wholistic health, your knowledge, your key attitudes, and your personal traits and relationship skills. See how you stand with each of these:

Innerpersonal Support A) - My Wholistic Health

"Where Ever You Go – There You Are!"

__  1) I _ clearly acknowledge the spiritual aspect of myself now, and _ feel sure that I’m evolving in a way that often uses my growing spiritual strength, intuition, and inspiration. I
_ regularly draw meaningful help from my Higher Power, when times get tough.

__  2) I’m self-motivated to _ meditate and/or pray in stressful times, and _ often feel refreshed, empowered, and enlightened when I do; or _ I’m currently learning how to do this.

__  3) I’m usually _ aware of my current emotions; and can _ name and _ express them clearly and safely _ without undue guilt, shame, or anxiety. I often _ use strong emotions as indicators of what I need to do for myself.

__  4) I _ regularly pay attention to my day and night dreams, hunches, intuitions, and "senses," and _ balance their apparent meanings with my rational thoughts enough, in forming my daily decisions.

__  5) My own experience and others’ feedback promotes my believing that my thinking process is usually focused, clear, "rational," and significantly productive.

__  6) I _ consistently accord high priority to my bodily health, and feel consistently serene now about _ the quality of my nutrition and diet, _ the amounts and kinds of exercise and rest I give myself, _ my ways of coping with "stress," and _ my prompt, responsible use of appropriate medical professionals and medicines when I need them.

__  7) I have _ thoroughly assessed whether I have any of the six false-self wounds. If I do, I’m _ steadily working at a meaningful form of true (vs. pseudo) recovery _ because of real integrity and self respect, vs. fear, shame, or "duty."

__  8) I _ often feel well-balanced in attending my daily flux of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical needs; and _ others who know me describe me as "well-balanced" and often "centered." I _ usually balance work, rest, and play well enough.

__  9) I’m _ clear enough about what I’m on Earth to do with my unique talents, motivations, and limitations; and _ I feel satisfied that I’m developing meaningful ways of fulfilling my unique life’s purpose/s.

__  10)

__  11)

Innerpersonal Support B) - My Basic Knowledge

__  12)  I can describe what a "family" is, and specifically what families can do that no other human group can do.

__  13) I can name 10 or more of the 30 traits of a high-nurturance family.

__  14)  I can describe _ what a Grown Wounded Child is, _ name the six GWC inner wounds, and can _ clearly describe what pseudo recovery and true recovery from these wounds are.

__  15)  I can name at least three of the tools I can use to help me assess whether an adult has one or more of these wounds, and needs to recover.

__  16)  I can accurately and clearly describe what a "stepfamily" is.

__  17)  I can name 15 or more of the 60+ common stepfamily myths, and their corresponding average realities.

__  18)  I can clearly name _ the essential elements of a wholistically-healthy marriage, and _ five interactive reasons for widespread stepfamily re/divorce.

__  19)  I have _ read the overviews of all 12 co-parent Projects in this Break the Cycle! Web site carefully, and _ I understand the purpose and value of each project clearly, and how they all fit together, now.

__  20)  I am clear now on who belongs to our prospective or actual multi-generational stepfamily.

__  21)  I _ can describe the main goals of effective co-parenting, and _ can describe at least 10 of the ~40 environmental differences between traditional bioparenting and typical stepparenting.

__  22) I feel I know enough about _ the ~35 special adjustment needs of typical stepkids, and _ how to meaningfully assess the status of each of my/our kids with their versions of these needs.

__  23)  I can name _ the six needs that all people try to fill by communicating with others, _ each of the seven verbal communication skills, and _ I can describe when and how to use each skill.

__  24) I can name and describe the three types of interpersonal conflict, and can describe how to apply the seven communication skills to each of them.

__  25)  I can clearly describe _ a values conflict and a stepfamily loyalty conflict, and _ how to resolve each of them, long-term.

__  26)  I can _ name the three levels and main phases of healthy grief, _ at least five symptoms of blocked grief; and I _ can describe some basic elements of a healthy family "Good-grief" policy.

__  27)  I can describe clearly _ what an effective "family mission statement" is, and _ specifically what I want our multi-home stepfamily to achieve, over time.

__  28)  I know where to find the key characteristics of a qualified stepfamily counselor.

__  29)

__  30)

Innerpersonal Support C) - My Key Attitudes

__  31)  I see stepfamilies as a normal type of human group with just as much potential for security, warmth, companionship, and fulfillment as a traditional intact biofamily.

__  32) I believe that when confused or conflicted, usually putting my personal integrity first, my primary relationship (e.g. my re/marriage) second, and all else third will greatly increase our odds of long range re/marital and stepfamily success.

__  33)  _ Building a healthy, successful stepfamily over time is among my top five personal priorities now, and _ my actions steadily demonstrate this to myself and others who know me.

__  34)  I believe effective co-parenting in our stepfamily is a long-term team effort that involves each of our kids’ bioparents and stepparents, not just my mate and me.

__  35)  I firmly believe that – despite inevitable personality clashes, values differences, and dislikes - each of our stepfamily adults and kids has equal human dignity, worth, and value.

__  36)  I accept that interpersonal conflict in any relationship and group is normal, not bad or wrong.

__  37)  Generally, I see our ongoing stepfamily confusions, conflicts, and projects as chances to learn, heal, and grow (glass half full), rather than as a set of burdens to be endured (half empty).

__  38) If I get frustrated and impatient, I remind myself and other members that building our multi-home stepfamily is a five or more-year process, and try to focus patiently on "progress, not perfection."

__  39)  I _ encourage other stepfamily members to talk openly about their current needs, feelings, and perceptions, and _ try to model the same.

__  40)  When confused, conflicted, or upset about stepfamily matters, I routinely refer to these wise guidelines for grounding and guidance.

__  41)  I intentionally try to see and affirm the advantages and benefits of being in our stepfamily, rather than only focusing on the problems, frustrations, or disappointments. This doesn't mean that I deny our real problems.

__  42)

__  43)

Continue this Project-11 profile of your current (or possible) stepfamily supports by exploring the fourth innerpersonal support, and three external types of support.
 

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Updated August 25, 2008