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Project
of
-
help each other evolve and use a support
network |
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What Is
"Co-parent Support",
and
Why Don't Typical Co-parents Seek It?
There's Lots of Help Available!
by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/11/support1.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is one
of a series of Web articles on co-parent
building
and using an effective support network to help with the many
adjustment tasks and challenges required to
build and stabilize a high-nurturance multi-home stepfamily together over
many years.
 Why These
Articles?
Since 1981, I’ve taken over 3,000 phone calls on the Stepfamily
inFormation "warm line." Most callers have been Chicago-area stepmoms and re/wedded
biomoms, or clinicians or clergy representing a prospective or troubled stepfamily. Most
calls started with something like "Please tell me how to contact the stepfamily
support group nearest to my community."
Such callers confidently assumed
there were many such groups, as there are for (say) divorcing and single bioparents. With
few exceptions, there have been no co-parent support groups to refer them to.
Hearing this, most callers expressed surprise, dismay, and frustration. Many, including
men, say "I’ve called everywhere. I just can’t believe there
aren’t any groups!" As they sketch their situation, I’ve learned to ask
"Do you and your partner know any other stepfamily co-parents socially?" Well
over 90% answer "uh…no."
This says something about our society, because
almost 20% of our U.S. families with minor and grown kids are multi-home stepfamilies.
Co-parents need support, but they’re not talking to each other.
So many of them feel
isolated and alone in grappling with all the challenges your reading about here.
I’ve had similar experiences in over 100 seminars and classes I’ve given for
prospective and re/married co-parents. The theme is a participant saying
to me or the group "It feels so good to hear that I’m not the only
one struggling with (stepfamily confusions and conflicts). I thought I was crazy (or bad,
incompetent, or weird)!" Most heads nod vigorously. I’ve heard
many versions of the same intense relief in the ~15 co-parent support groups I’ve
participated in since 1981.
Until all members (including relatives) get the hang of it,
stepfamily life is often
disorienting, conflictual, and frustrating for kids and adults alike. In
non-crisis situations, our normal human response is first to vent, if we can find
an interested or tolerant listener. As emotions calm down, most women and some men will
ask others for ideas on how to resolve their confusion and conflicts.
Re/married
co-parents quickly find that if they vent to non-steppeople, they may get sympathy,
but not much experience-based empathy.
Non-stepfamily listeners’ suggestions
are often inappropriate biofamily-based ideas ("Jen, your husband should demand
that his daughter respect you!") Is this ringing any bells?
This eleventh co-parent project fills the deep need that kids and adults have for support
when faced with a trying situation - like belonging to an evolving new
multi-home
stepfamily!
Three Steps in Forming An Effective Network
If your
co-parents are well-enough into
- building an effective caregiving team for your kids - this support
network project has three steps …
-
Acknowledge without guilt or shame that you, your kids, and your kin
(including the kids’ other co-parents) are in alien relationship territory.
Then…
-
Agree together that you normal people each need varying amounts of credible
empathy, encouragement, information, and informed advice, as you build your complex
stepfamily together. Finally …
-
Hold hands, remember "In eight (years) It’ll be great,"
and
go get appropriate support for you and your kids from four specific sources, until
all your members get their bearings well enough.
|
If
your bioparents and stepparents aren’t yet becoming a co-parenting
team,
continuing (or starting) to reduce teamwork
precedes or overlaps these Project-11 steps.
|
Before looking at (a) why many co-parents don’t take these three steps,
(b) how they
(you) can build an effective support network, and (c) some special support issues,
let’s take a closer look at…
What Is Support?
When people get clearer on what the generic term support means, they often become
more creative about - and effective at – filling their and others’ periodic
needs for it. Interpersonal and innerpersonal support can mean many
things:
It’s easy to read these words without really appreciating what they mean.
At first, you might not see some of these as "supportive." Try this: image
yourself and (separately) someone you dislike, resent, or distrust – like an ex
spouse, a "rebellious" child, or an over-critical mate, parent, or sibling. Now
recall a stressful situation for each or both of you. Ask yourself "In this
situation, would they and I each need …
Empathy - feeling mentally and
emotionally understood – nonjudgmentally - by a respected other person. Many
of us underestimate the priceless help we can give to a troubled child or adult by freely
giving time to just
empathically and objectively. One reason people
hire counselors is because they have no one in their lives they trust to give
them this kind of support.
We
also need…
Validation
– getting
believable responses from another person that say "I respect you and your
current feelings, needs, and perceptions. I believe these are legitimate (vs. unrealistic
or unjustified), and important (vs. trivial)" – specially if others say
they aren’t.
The genuine
questions "What do you need now?," "What are you feeling?," and
"What does this (situation or event) mean to you?" convey our respect, concern,
and affirmation of the other’s human worth. An under-appreciated form of affirmation
is "warm" eye contact (vs. staring, glaring, or avoiding). Another is choosing
not to interrupt or question someone who’s venting passionately.
And you and the other/s you’re picturing probably need…
Encouragement, vs.
indifference, "Yes, buts,"
discounts, catastrophizing, pessimism, cynicism, and/or blame; and…
Help in clarifying – breaking complex,
emotionally and mentally confusing situations into understandable, manageable parts.
Typical extended stepfamilies are riddled with such complex situations, for years!
Clarification may happen if a partner reframes (mirrors and redefines) what we think,
feel, or perceive – like "John, it seems to me that instead of being a
‘wimp’ here, you’re understandably confused and uncertain about how to
handle your stepson’s disrespect to your wife and you."
And I’d bet that you and your "other" need…
Appropriate touching. A non-sexual,
respectful (vs. invasive, threatening, or shaming) caress, hug, or embrace can provide
enormous reassurance, and sometimes return awareness of our bodies and our reality again,
if we’re "spaced out" (dissociated). Another kind of support we
all need is …
Accurate, relevant information about
the aspects of our situation ("You didn’t know that Miriam’s father
threatened to…"), and about possible resources, options, and solutions;
and…
Acceptance - think of someone in your life who
genuinely appreciates you just as you are - as a person, and/or as you
react in your unique way to a situation. Does that feel supportive?
Forgiveness - recall the
relief you've felt on
releasing yourself from blame and remorse over some "mistake" - or having
an important other say - "It's OK" (I won't hang on to anger, resentment,
or hurt because of what you did)...
Patience - Think of what you feel in the presence of
someone who is
with you or a shared situation. Impatience
breeds anxieties; patience avoids and reduces them.
Help
brainstorming an identified conflict or
("Something that worked for our stepfamily is…").
Long-range
support
for you and your other/s can also include someone…
Respectfully (vs. scornfully)
declining to enable you or them. Here, enabling means "hurting
a troubled person or couple by taking on too much responsibility for their problem,
blocking them from the natural consequences (i.e. learnings) of their choices, and thus
hindering them from developing their own solutions, self confidence, and self
respect."
Most of us
co-parents learned early to "earn" friendship or love by pleasing other people,
while sacrificing our own serenity and integrity. Until we’re in
(Project 1), our
to solve others’ problems for them is lose-lose, long
range.
Sages advise
"It's better to teach a starving (stepfamily) person to fish
than to give her a fish." There are, of course, times when we really do need
others’ interventions. Clearly seeing the line between helping now
("here’s a fish"), vs. helping long-range by not helping now,
takes discernment, awareness, courage, faith, and personal wholeness.
More supports that would probably comfort you and your imaginary partner:
An
attitude of realistic optimism.
Sincere statements like "We’ll find a way to get through this,"
"You’re not alone here," and "God is with us now," nurture hope
and perseverance. And…
Privacy and
solitudes
("space") – non-resentfully assuming someone's duties and
encouraging them to take undistracted time alone to meditate, journal, or pray, can be a
great support. Until in true recovery, some
can’t tolerate such healing
solitudes, because their fears, guilts, shame, and rage come out of hiding to overwhelm
("depress") them.
Guilt-free self care is a major support.
Example: if kids of divorcing parents see each of their adults consistently getting enough
rest, sleep, medical and spiritual care, leisure, and social support (i.e. enough self
care), the kids can feel relieved of worry and free to focus on their own needs.
Typical psychologically-wounded adults
and kids habitually
by believing "I can’t dump my
troubles on (someone) – they have big problems of their own!" Self-care
sounds like "I really need to vent (again!) I’ll give Jerry responsibility for
honoring his own limits, and ask him to tell me if he’s feeling overloaded
(vs. "…I’m overloading him."). I’ll trust him to take care of
himself, so I can vent up to his limit. If he says ‘I can’t listen any
more,’ I’ll not feel offended."
The reverse is
also mutually-supportive: "Jerry, I really care about your situation - and
(not
"but"!) I’m feeling really distracted and overloaded now. Let me check in
with you later, OK?"
Mutually-respectful
confrontations
can be uncomfortable short-term, and promote long-term relief and healing. Example:
"Nora, I really understand your avoiding another roaring, pointless argument with
Jacques over child-support – and (not "but") I’m scared that your kids
and your marriage are getting hurt because you aren’t stepping up to that. Are you
open to getting some professional help to resolve this?"
Yet another kind of support you and the person/s you’re picturing can benefit
from is…
Respectful, clear
feedback on how your
actions are affecting a supporter: "Morgan, you keep saying ‘yes,
but…’ each time I suggest a solution to your conflict with your stepson.
I’m starting to feel frustrated and resentful, and those feelings are distracting me
from really listening to you."
When
assertive
feedback like that is decoded to
mean "I respect you and me equally, here," it will probably feel supportive vs.
critical. The
of
adults and kids will often mis-read such constructive feedback as an attack, despite earnest
assurances to the contrary. Arguing and protesting this will probably do little good.
+ + +
How
did it feel to acknowledge
and the needs of a person you dislike
and/or distrust, for these kinds of support? The need for these
comforting human responses is universal – do you agree?
Compassionately validating
your own support needs and the similar needs of each of your extended stepfamily’s
members, can promote effective problem-solving, trust, and bonding, over time.
Most
households and families have a powerful, unspoken policy about who gives what kind
of support to whom, when, and whether it’s freely given, or has a price tag
("conditional love"). Can you describe the "support policy" that
governs you and the people you live with?
So the term "support" can mean many things to each of
us, depending on our
current situation, perceptions, needs, and personality. We’re more apt to
get our current needs met by clearly asserting "I need affirmation, clarification,
and respectful brainstorming from you right now," rather than hinting, or demanding
"Hey! Gimme some support, here, OK?"
My experience is that most co-parents,
minor and grown kids, and relatives need most of these kinds of support in a wide range
of stepfamily situations, for many years after re/wedding and
cohabiting. Often
co-parents seek a "support group" and/or "counseling" because
they and their kids can’t get enough of these normal needs met with friends
and family members. Your working together on the
can grow the exchange of effective support within and between all your stepfamily
members!
Co-parents who do some version of the three steps above find that mastering their many
concurrent adjustment tasks and the 10
related Projects is easier - even fun at
times (what a concept!) Most of the hundreds of co-parents I’ve met don’t
take these steps. Why?
Common
Barriers To Getting Stepfamily Support
In typical multi-home stepfamilies there’s often a set of invisible factors that
combine to block stressed co-parents from getting needed help:
Most co-parents, and people wanting to support them, don’t know
what they don’t know about stepfamily norms, dynamics, and adjustment tasks. They
don’t realize how different these are from typical biofamily life. This causes
stressful beliefs like "Well, we partners are mature, intelligent adults, so I/we
should be able to handle (stepfamily confusions and conflicts) on our own."
Wrong! Co-parents who
work hard at
and
– specially
before
re/wedding – will accept their need for support with these complex projects
without guilt and anxiety. That grows
inner and shared permissions to seek and accept help along the way.
Another unawareness that blocks co-parents from getting needed stepfamily information
and support is about…
Unrecognized
block anxious co-parents
from admitting to themselves that they’re significantly confused, anxious, and
conflicted ("Naw, we don’t have any major problems. These squabbles
will all
blow over. Don’t worry – be happy!") The underlying toxic distortion is "We
are not a stepfamily!"
The false-self wounds of
excessive
prevent unrecovering co-parents from going public with their confusions and anxieties ["I’ve
already blown one (or more) relationships. Now this one’s in trouble! What’s
wrong with me?"] Your ever- vigilant
answers scathingly
"You don’t deserve help, you worthless piece of garbage. Besides, you know
these problems all your fault, you moron."
These combine with
semi-conscious,
(or accurate intuition) like
"If we go to a co-parent support group (or counselor), we’ll learn that we
shouldn’t have gotten re/married – and that my/your/our
kids are at risk of (another) traumatic breakup."
seems common among divorced and stepfamily adults. It prevents the clear vision and wisdom of co-parents’
from prevailing. Co-parents’ self-motivated, steady attention to
wound-
and
significantly shrinks this major barrier to getting needed supports.
A
related stepfamily-support block is…
Ancestral
prohibitions. Many unrecovering co-parents grew up with a stern unspoken (or
bellowed) rule: "We (you) do not tell other people what goes on in
our homes! What happens among us is no one’s else's business!" Sound familiar?
Minor and grown kids who violate this "family pride" (read shame
and
rule often endure withering rejection, scorn, disapprovals, and anger from parents,
siblings, and/or key relatives.
In her helpful
book "It Will Never Happen To Me,"
recovery pioneer Claudia Black
describes this as part of the powerful set of common
family rules
"Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Feel."
When recovering co-dependents recognize this unconscious "Our family keeps
policy, and replace it with more truth-telling, they authorize themselves to
get needed stepfamily support in spite of insecure, unaware relatives’ anxieties and
disapprovals.
Two more factors that commonly inhibits stepfamily adults from getting appropriate help
are…
Unfinished
Many co-parents vent frustrations
like "My daughter Annie seems really depressed. I want to get her professional help,
but my ex absolutely forbids that. S/He insists that (I and my new mate) are
causing the problems, and that we should see a shrink, not Annie!" Another
version is "My ex agrees Annie needs counseling – but refuses to help pay for
it."
Another version of
this block comes from a resentful stepparent: "I won’t spend my
paycheck for my stepkid’s counseling, when my ex is suing me for more child
support!" There are lots of colorful variations. The surface problem appears to be
that one or both divorced partners, and/or their child or a relative, aren’t
yet at peace with their prior conflicts, hurts, and family-separation. The real
problems are often unacknowledged
+
+
in several kids and/or adults.
Not
People with low self and mutual awareness (low empathy) often
don’t decode the inner and outer signals that they or other family members need
support. This is specially true with many super-busy co-parents and their struggling minor
kids: the distracted adults may "listen," but they don’t hear
(empathize).
Typical kids and
psychologically-wounded adults lack the experience, vocabulary, and/or inner
permission to (a) clearly express their current feelings and (b)
specific needs - like "I need help now!" Co-parents' healing their
wounds and learning and teaching
the seven
communication
helps to dissolve this support-block over time.
These and
other factors combine in and between typical stepfamily homes to prevent co-parents from
getting the support they and their kids need. Are your stepfamily members
getting the supports they need?
 Continue
by considering four
sources of co-parental support.
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Updated
June 24, 2008
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