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Protect your family from
the [wounds + unawareness] cycle |
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Overview: 12 Vital Family Projects
p. 1 of 2
Enjoy the benefits of a healthy family!
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/12-overvw.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships and
preventing divorce, and breaking the toxic wounds + unawareness]
This introduction describes
the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic
of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
article summarizes
12 projects that aware family adults
can help each
other with to manage common hazards and evolve a stable, high-nurturance family over
many years. These 12 protective Projects are not directly related to the
well-known 12 addiction-management ("Anonymous")
steps.
These widespread, unremarked hazards
all are evidence of the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
inherited from prior generations. They are:
-
Two to six significant psychological
in one or more
family adults and
kids; plus...
-
Adult
of key life-skills and
family realities; and perhaps...
-
Incomplete
in one or more kids or adults, plus
for some...
-
Making up to three unwise
and...
-
Little or no
community or media
support for understanding and mastering these hazards.
My 29 years' research
and consultations with
over 1,000 Midwestern family adults and couples
suggests clearly that if typical mates
don't...
honestly for these wounds and other hazards, and...
seek and use
informed education (like this nonprofit site and
these
resources), and perhaps...
use
with these 12
Projects over
four or more years,
then...
many will
psychologically or legally
- some for the second or third time.
That (re)traumatizes themselves and all minor and grown kids. These
hazards are usually obscured by typical surface
stressors.
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The first five (or seven, for stepfamily couples) projects are best done before deciding to
marry, to raise the odds of committing to the right people
(plural), for the right reasons, at the right time. New mates
also need to progress on them as the basis for
Projects 8-12.
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Option - continue reading, or
view this equivalent slide presentation.
 Seven Sequential
Courtship Projects
-
Assess for
psychological wounds, and start needed recoveries;
-
Learn
communication basics, and build seven skills together;
-
Accept your
stepfamily identity, and agree on who belongs;
-
All adults and
kids learn what your stepfamily identity means; and co-parents...
-
Learn good-grief basics, assess for blocked
grief, and free any you find; and...
-
Draft
(a) a
stepfamily mission statement and (b) initial co-parent "job descriptions"; then...
-
Each co-parent
answer six vital questions in order to make three
wise re/marital decisions.
To
make wise, well-informed re/marriage choices,
courting partners should take
at least a year to get solid starts on the first six long-term, overlapping
tasks. Longer is better. Each project builds on the prior ones, so the order counts. Four
or five of the first six projects usually continue well after re/wedding,
and combine with five more (page 2). Each project is composed of
sub-projects. Links take you to more
detail on each project.
For a comprehensive overview of these seven projects see the
guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship
(xlibris.com, 2002). Partners can benefit from
Projects 1-6 after re/wedding, but
they can't offset unwise
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Before
continuing, (re)read this summary of the five widespread
hazards that justify co-parents'
dedication to these 12 divorce-prevention Projects. |
Here's an overview
of all 12 Projects and their main
steps. Clicking the first link in each will take you to an index of
articles and resources for that Project.
PROJECT
1)
- Each family adult (a) learn the traits
of
families, and then (b)
for
signs of false-self
dominance and related
If you find significant signs, (c) evolve a hi-priority
personal
plan to harmonize your
under the guidance of your
resident
(d) Commit to this long-term effort and begin. Then...
Thoroughly evaluate the odds that (e) your partner and (f) any
ex mate/s
are significantly controlled by a
If they are, and
if your courtship partner is not
clearly
in solid psychological-
recovery,
settle for friendship.
Until well into true personal recovery, significantly-wounded people are
isolated or mutually
attracted, and usually break up - . They also unintentionally promote false-self
wounds in their kids,
just
as their unaware ancestors did.
My clinical experience since 1981 is
that over 80% of typical American divorced and re/married co-parents are
significantly wounded and don't (want to) know it.
For an overview of
the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, see this slide presentation. The guidebook for this keystone
Project is
Who's Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2002; second edition). If you're puzzled or skeptical about these premises
about false-self wounds, please read
this and then try this interesting, safe
exercise.
PROJECT 2
- Learn to do effective
instead of these
common
(a) Accept that building a multi-home stepfamily will generate
many
and interpersonal conflicts for years. (b) Couples honestly assess how
well they resolve
and
resource
conflicts with each other and key others now. (c) Learn communication
basics
together, and then use them to (d)
develop and practice seven communication
Then
(e) teach these to your kids and interested others. To see what you need to know
about communication basics, take this quiz...
Adults
controlled by a
usually don’t know how to resolve
or
interpersonal conflicts
Typically they argue, attack (blame), manipulate, avoid, repress,
withdraw, postpone, threaten, collapse, and/or "numb out." Courtship
usually disguise major
adult
and
clashes
over parenting,
money, priorities, and home management. These will surface after re/wedding! Ask your nearest stepfamily veteran...
 Projects 1
and 2 apply to all families (i.e. yours). Significant progress
on both of them is essential to master all 10 safeguard Projects
below.
Option: view this
slide presentation for an
overview. |
PROJECT 3
- Co-parents accept (a) your (prospective)
as a normal multi-home
stepfamily (vs. "We’re
just a (bio)family"), and learn what that identity
Then (b) all
of your co-parents and all minor and
grown kids work to agree on
to your nuclear and
stepfamily - i.e.
agree on whose needs, feelings, opinions, and welfare you will be concerned about,
and whose support you'll expect. (c) Use
your Project-2 communication
to
spot and resolve
divisive stepfamily identity
and
conflicts, which are common. Ignoring this project during courtship
risks (1) unwise commitment
and (2) excluded members feeling
hurt, angry, and resentful.
PROJECT 4
- (a) Learn how your
stepfamily differs in over 60 ways from typical intact one-home biofamilies. Then
(b) learn and discuss ~60 common
stepfamily myths,
and (c) draft realistic
expectations for
each of your (up to 30!) key stepfamily
Reality-check your expectations
with veteran co-parents. (d) Learn together what comprises a
high-nurturance, nuclear-stepfamily
Then (e) compare your two or
more related co-parenting
homes against that model. (f) Accept that without your steady, high-priority
work on your version of these 12 Projects, you and your kids are at
significant risk of psychological or legal divorce.
Option: view this summary
slide presentation on stepfamily basics.
PROJECT 5 -
Forge a pro-grief home and stepfamily.
All
three or more related co-parents...
-
learn
(a) about
(broken
psychological bonds), (b) the
of healthy grieving
and the phases comprising each phase, and
(c) the
of
blocked
grief. Then...
-
(d) inventory yourselves, each
other co-parent, and each minor and grown child,
for their prior divorce and/or
death-related losses, and (e) assess each
person for possible frozen
mourning. If anyone
is seriously blocked in mourning...
-
(f) all
related co-parents agree on a plan to correct that, and (g) act together on
your plan over time. Consider specifically what each child and adult will
lose (or has lost) by your re/marriage
and cohabiting, vs. just focusing on the wonderful gains...
If you
do re/marry, (h) evolve a clear
and (i) use it to guide and support
you all through your inevitable stream of stepfamily and life losses. Co-parents
and kids dominated by a false self are
often
unaware they're
blocked in grieving major losses.
Blocked grief is
often mis-diagnosed as
laziness, depression,
and rage-aholism.
and obesity are
other common symptoms.
To see what you (need to) know about healthy
three-level grieving, try this quiz. Then study this summary
slide presentation
on good (healthy) grief basics.
PROJECT 6
-
(a) use the traits of a
family to help
draft a stepfamily
with your other co-parents and key relatives:
define what you all want to accomplish, long term.
Then (b) learn typical stepkids’
developmental and
special
needs, and (c) assess each child's status on
them.
Based on the results and the five prior projects, (d)
draft each
of your co-parents’
(caregiving responsibilities), and
(e) share them with key relatives and other supporters. If you re/marry,
(f) refine and use your mission statement and job descriptions as you do Projects 9
(merge your biofamilies) and
10 (build an effective co-parenting team over time).
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Whether you re/marry or not, include two vital goals in your vision
statement. Pledge to (g) protect your (and others' ?) living and
unborn kids from the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
and (h) encourage all your family members and others to become
informed, responsible stewards for our Earthly resources and future
generations' environment.
For motivation, read Jared
Diamond's sobering 1995 book "Collapse
- how societies choose to fail or succeed". |
Project 7) -
(a) Use
gained from
the six prior Projects to
answer six vital
courtship
honestly.
This guards you and your descendents against picking the wrong
(plural) to re/wed, at the wrong
for the
wrong
If both
partners are clear that they want to start or join a stepfamily after many months of research, then
(b) set the date,
and celebrate! When you return from your honeymoon (with or without
the kids), (c) continue the first six projects, and (d) add five more. Note that
cohabiting before re/marriage is often not a reliable
guide to how tour stepfamily will act and feel!
Option
- Review these common stepfamily-courtship
and then study this summary
slide presentation about making three
wise courtship choices.
Pause and recall why you're
reading this article - are you getting what you need? Take a break if you
need one, and then...
 Continue
with safeguard-Projects 8-12...
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Updated
May 07, 2008
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