Break trhe [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Seek Daily Balance on Four Levels - p. 1 of 2 How Can Co-parents Tell if They're Balanced Enough? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/12/balance1-intro.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

_{+ + +}

        If you haven't recently, read this overview of Project 12, and scan this proposal of three levels of stepfamily problems. Then return here. This page is the first of three to offer perspective on four types of balance you co-parent partners can help each other maintain together: personal + marital + domestic + nuclear-stepfamily. The fourth page focuses on ideas toward enjoying your unfolding stepfamily experience, a day at a time.

        As you read, keep a sobering reality in mind: despite their love, hope, dedication, and life experience, probably over half of U.S. stepfamily couples eventually re/divorce legally or psychologically. This perpetuates and spreads the epidemic U.S. cycle of [wounds + ignorance > low-nurturance childhoods > more wounded kids...] . The personal, social, and global effects of this are beyond estimation.

        This article expands the overview of Project 12 by...

• defining balance,

• proposing how to discern if you're balanced enough,

• hilighting four levels of balance you co-parents can strive for, and...

• offering ways to attain and keep your balances.

Let's begin by examining a basic concept...

What is Balance, and How Can You Tell If You Have Enough?

        Balance is a noun and a verb. The noun means "A state of stability resulting from the cancellation of all forces by equal opposing forces." The verb means to "Bring into a state of stability." Stable, in turn, means "Resistant to change of position or condition; steadfast; maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring; immutable; permanent; enduring." 

        Our physical, mental, psychological, spiritual, and environmental worlds are in ceaseless motion, from atoms to galaxies. Given this stupefying endless dynamic shifting, each day can be seen as our making a constant series of unconscious and conscious adjustments to offset many inner and outer forces, trying to "keep our balance." What does that mean?

        Think of someone who’s life (in your view) is unstable, or off-center. Now think of a "household" – a group of people who currently live together. Can you think of such a group who seems balanced to you? How do you judge that? How about a full multi-generational family: do you know one that often seems "well balanced"? What criteria do you use to answer these questions?

        Premise: your co-parents can increase daily enjoyment and wholistic health by attending four levels of balance: personal, re/marital, household, and related family homes. Let's look at each, starting with four facets of personal balance...

 1)  Inner-family (Personal) Balance

        Project 1 here proposes that the personality of each person in your home and family is comprised of three groups of semi-independent subselves: Regulars, Vulnerables, and Guardians. These subselves or "parts" act like members of a sports team or orchestra, and range between “harmonious” and “chaotic.”

        Project 1 focuses on your (a) identifying the members of your inner family, and (b) assessing whe-ther they’re harmoniously led by your true Self or other conflicted The latter can be described as the person being internally unbalance, troubled, stressed, or “not at peace.”

        Because your inner and outer worlds ceaselessly change, the leadership and degree of harmony among your subselves – i.e. your (mental + emotional + spiritual + physical) well-being or wholistic health, changes moment to moment, and over time. Do you agree? Would your mate?

      How do you judge when the personality (subselves) of child or adult is significant-ly unbalanced? I propose that one way is to evaluate whether they currently have “too many” of these behavioral traits. The Project-1 guidebook “Who’s Really Running Your Life?” (Xlibris.com) is devoted to identifying and harmonizing (balancing) your inner family under the wise leadership of your Self (capital "S").

       Your respective personal balances will fluctuate moment by moment, affecting...

  2) Your Relationship (Re/marital) Balance

        What’s a balanced relationship? I suggest that it’s one where each partner...

• solidly feels their main current and long-term relationship needs are met well enough,...

• in ways that leave them feeling good enough about themselves, their partner, and the processes in and between them.

What do you think? Note the similarity of this to the definition of effective communication.

       The quality of your primary relationship changes every day and over the seasons. Each partner has their own view of this quality, and (may) be aware of their mate’s view ("I think Pat feels pretty good about our relationship, these days.").

        Because we all protectively distort reality in small and major ways - like repressing feelings and memories, denying, forming illusions, and misperceiving - a partner may consciously believe they and their mate are balanced enough, when an objective observer or their mate would disagree.

        See how you feel about these key premises:

Each mate’s primary relationship needs (e.g. for intimacy, trust, safety, comfort, respect, companionship, stimulation, validation…) shift all the time, some more than others;

Either partner can consciously choose to rebalance their relationship at any time;

It usually takes both partners’ cooperative decisions – and therefore effective communi-cation - to find and keep mutually-satisfying relationship balance.

Your and your partners’ relationship needs compete for time and attention with a dynamic brew of other daily needs: Finish the project by Thursday! Call Dad! Meet with Norah’s teacher! Take Willy to the vet! Have Lunch with Marion! Get to the Health Club! Call the plumber! Relax!

        Think of a couple who’s relationship is or was significantly "out of balance" in your opinion. See if they have any of the symptoms in this checklist, and return.

        Are there other signs of re/marital imbalance you would add? The more symptoms like these a couple has, and the more often, the more likely it is that their relationship is significantly balanced. Does this seem realistic to you?

        Is sustained re/marital balance possible if one or both partners are significantly unbalanced personally? Most of the 1000+ divorced-family and stepfamily co-parents and ex mates I've met since 1981 seem to be significantly-wounded survivors of low-nurturance childhoods.

        Until in true personal recovery, their psychological wounds usually hinder daily personal balances. Two wounded mates are highly unlikely to maintain a balanced- enough stepfamily re/marriage, unless they acknowledge that, and commit to change it together.

        Let’s look at two more levels of stepfamily balance before focusing on things you partners can choose to do toward raising the daily stability and contentment in your skins and stepfamily homes…

  3) Household and 4) Nuclear-Stepfamily Balances

        Is it possible to have two personally-balanced partners in a balanced-enough relationship, living in an adult-child household that's out of balance? How about three or more stepfamily co-parents and assorted kids living in two or more homes: could the adults be personally and re/maritally balanced enough, but the complex overall web of relationships in and among their several homes be too unbalanced? Review these typical behaviors of members of a high-nurturance group (e.g. a co-parental home and nuclear stepfamily).

        Some reflection reveals the real stepfamily prize: two personally-balanced, wholistically-healthy co-parents intentionally promoting personal health and balance in each other adult and child in their two or more related homes. Have you ever experienced what it feels like to be part of such a serene, focused, stable group? 

        Do you feel that a group that's clear and in agreement on (a) who belongs (Project 3), and (b) where the group is going and who's supposed to do what to get everyone there (Project 6), could achieve and keep this group-wide balance? Do you think you all can? What would it take?

        Recap: typical multi-home divorcing families and stepfamilies like yours risk stressful, interactive personal. re/marital, intra-home, and inter-home imbalances – specially in the years after separation and re/wedding. Some co-parents may have achieved enough current balance, but are white-knuckled and enduring, rather than enjoying the challenging process.

        Our inner and outer lives change ceaselessly. Our daily challenge is to stay "well adjusted" on four levels at once: personal (four domains), (re)marital, home, and nuclear or extended stepfamily homes. What can co-parents like you do to promote enough balance for you and your kids each day? Here are some ideas...

Toward Maintaining Four Levels of Balance

        What follows are general ideas, rather than a cookbook menu. Though every family is unique, some Project-12 generalities apply to families of all types. As individuals and a unique couple, you’ll evolve your own set of factors. See which of these appeal to each of you. Maintaining balance in typical stepfamilies biofamilies 

All co-parents verbally agree: "We need to consciously work together at keeping our daily personal, marital, household, and nuclear-stepfamily balances, for long-term success." Promote this belief in your custodial and visiting kids, and extended-stepfamily members.

        If mates and/or all three or more co-parents don’t really believe this and act on it, none of what follows matters. A sign that co-parents really do believe balancing is important is that they want to take regular private and group times to meditate, discuss, plan, and problem-solve family conflicts together.

Each co-parent take responsibility for keeping their own personal balance, vs. depending on someone else for "happiness." True inner-wound recovery (Project 1) increases daily personal balance over time by freeing your true Self to harmonize your other subselves (personality).

Partners work proactively to develop effective ways of (a) defining and (b) assessing each of these four levels of balance together. Then...

Help each other to use your assessment tools regularly to spot problems and affirm local successes. The (popular) alternative is to wait until imbalances become local crises, and risk impulsive reactions by your false selves.

Co-parents help each other accept that being temporarily unbalanced on any of the four levels is normal, not bad. Secondly, believe that with effective communications (Project 2) and clear stepfamily goals and roles ( Projects 6 and 10), you co-parents can regain lost balances and help your other stepfamily members do the same.

        More options toward keeping your balances…

Help each other to balance work (being focused and productive), play (being spontaneous, silly, and shamelessly "unproductive"), and rest (being productively unproductive by refreshing and recharging in all four personal domains).

        Accept that as normal people, your respective needs for these three things will often be out of harmony – e.g. kids usually have more frequent needs to play than adults, and one marital partner may be more "fun loving" than their mate. Trying to harmonize these differing cycles and needs requires you all to…

Talk often about your balance levels. Develop and use balance-related terms and phrases in your daily thinking and interactions, and encourage kids and other stepfamily members to do the same ("1 to 10, I sense your personal balance is about a seven this evening.").

Become "stress experts" together. Feeling significant stress (mental + emotional + phys-ical discomforts, or needs) is a clear sign that one or more of you is out of balance in some domains. Moderate discomforts motivate us to get things done ("be productive.") Too many unfilled needs ("stress") signals (a) a false self is in charge, (b) one or more significant im-balances, and (c) reduces wholistic health and family nurturance levels.

        Tensions (needs)  signal that something needs action. One option is to spend a few moments before getting out of bed or sleeping to discern "Specifically, what is causing me tension (worry, concern, stress, anxiety) now?" Once identified, the next focus is "What can I do today or tomorrow that will reduce my main tensions?" Sometimes the answer is "no-thing."

Display these wise guidelines where you can see them, help each other use them often, and teach your kids how to do that. Trying to control things that you can't affect is a sure way to unbalance you. For these inspirations to be effective, your Selves must be solidly in charge, and your stepfamily members must share some basic spiritual values and beliefs.

Each co-parent adopt a long range view, and stay clear on...

• your personal life purpose/s (Project 1),

• your key long-term re/marital needs, goals, and priorities (Project 8), and ...

• your stepfamily’s long-term mission, and your related stepfamily roles (Projects 6 and 10).

        The clearer you co-parents all are on what each is responsible for, to whom, in your two or more related homes, the higher your odds of current personal, intra-home, and inter-home balance.

Continue with more balancing suggestions....

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Updated  August 25, 2008