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http://sfhelp.org/12/blnc1-me-you.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is the
fourth
in a
series
of
Web pages focusing on co-parents keeping balanced enough
- and enjoying doing all
other ongoing
family-building projects, within the dynamic kaleidoscope of warp-speed daily life
in America.
Typical
middle-class, family life is complex and hectic. Typical co-parents can
often feel overwhelmed with their many other roles and responsibilities.
Working at
the 11 concurrent safeguard projects often adds to co-parents and kids’ felt levels of conflict,
distraction, and stress. Co-parenting partners can improve their personal and marital
health when they pay frequent conscious attention to four levels of balance.
These three checklists offer partners a way of evaluating how balanced each is as a
co-parent, as a couple, and as nuclear family. Doing this periodically can raise partners' awareness about whether
they're surviving or enduring each day, or (usually) enjoying building
their complex, rewarding family. A core premise here is that partners can
intentionally choose to adjust their three balances – i.e. that they are in charge of
their lives, their relationships, and their homes, not other people.
For Best
Results ...
For
the best payback from investing time and energy in filling out these worksheets...
Read the
other Project-12 pages. Then print this checklist;
Find a comfortable, undistracted place, and
allow at least 30" to do this;
Change any words and add any items that make
this checklists more relevant and useful. Asterisk or hilight special items, and make
notes as you go.
"Fudging,"
avoiding, or distorting your truth is potentially harmful to all the people you care about
- starting with you.
You and your partner each fill out
this checklist alone, and then discuss the results together. Doing them together can skew
your results.
If you’re unsure about an item,
use "?" and return later. What would make you more sure? Ambivalence is a normal sign of different opinions or priorities among your
busy team of
Keep clear:
this is not about blaming you or your partner! It
is
about affirming and enjoying what’s good, and identifying what can be improved …
Pick a recent time-period as your frame of
reference in responding to these items, like "the last three months."
Fill out
this worksheet for yourself, and then guess how your partner would rate
each item using the second " _ ". Then discuss your results after you both
have done this.
Option: re-do this exercise
periodically - e.g. quarterly.
In each of these
balance checklists,
stay aware that the aim is to affirm the balances you’ve achieved and clarify places
you can improve them.
As I begin, I'm aware
of ...
From
this experience I want to learn ...
See how many of these you can honestly and firmly answer yes to, now. Listen to
what your
say (your self-talk) with
interest, as you mull these. First focus on yourself. Then redo the checklist, focusing on
your primary partner. This is not about blame or inadequacy!
I / You
_ _ 1) ...usually get
enough balanced (strength / aerobic) physical exercise now.
_ _ 2) ...sleep long enough and
soundly enough, most nights.
_ _ 3) ...eat a diet
that's well-balanced in nutrition, frequency, and quantity.
_ _ 4) ...relax often
enough, without significant guilt or anxiety.
_ _ 5) ... feel comfortable with my/your
recent balance between working, resting, and playing.
_ _ 6) ...feel clear on my/your
main current life
and usually live
life according to them.
_ _ 7) ...am/are usually aware of key
personal
tensions ("stresses"), and usually have prompt, effective action plans
to reduce and manage them.
_ _ 8) ...regularly choose to spend periods of
time
alone, meditating, praying, journaling, worshiping, and/or reflecting; and
I/you normally don’t feel guilty or anxious about doing this.
_ _ 9) ..._ know what my/your specific
personal gifts (talents) and limits are, and _ I’m/you're
clear on what my/your
life’s mission is - or _ I’m/you're
getting clearer on the main purpose, over time.
I / You
_ _ 10)
...have one or more hobbies that I/you enjoy regularly, alone or
with others.
_ _ 11) ...feel comfortable with my/your
recent balance of focusing time and energy on the
past,
the present, and the future.
_ _ 12) ...feel confidant I/you can
key
(broken
psychological/spiritual
healthily and completely now,
or I’m/you're
learning how to that effectively now.
_ _ 13) ...have an unwavering
in an accessible, nourishing (vs. shaming) Higher Power; and
regularly devote time to nurturing and being nurtured by that relationship.
_ _ 14) ...have several other
friends
that I/you trust and enjoy spending time with.
_ _ 15) ...belly-laugh often,
during an average week.
_ _ 16) ...seldom feel significantly
enraged, depressed,
panicked, or confused.
_ _ 17) ...can usually
name what I’m
feeling,
and frequently know why.
_ _ 18) ...clearly know the
difference
between my/your surface needs and
and I/you can usually
between them, to help
effectively.
I / You
_ _ 19)
...know when I/you need help, and can usually ask for it and accept it.
|
_ _ 20) ...have honestly
for
false-self
and
I am/you are steadily
self-motivated to work effectively toward
any injuries that I/you
found (co-parent
). |
_ _ 21) ...know clearly what
and
(relationship
are, and I am/you are confident I/you
don’t have either of these conditions now; or _ I'm/you're
working effectively to reduce them now.
_ _ 22) ...firmly feel that
I'm/you're a worthwhile, valuable person, and that my/your needs, feelings,
thoughts, and dreams are just as legitimate as every other
person’s.
_ _ 23) ...know how to
my/your
and ideas
clearly and confidently, and have an effective way of
handling other people’s reactions (e.g. disagreement) to that;
_ _ 24) ...know how to do
with other people, and steadily invite other
people to do
it with me/you.
_ _ 25) ...am/are comfortable with
the recent personal balancing of time and energy between me/you, us, and
all else.
_ _ 26) ...often feel calm, focused,
quiet, and clear, vs. chaotic, unfocused, loud, or babbling.
I / You
_ _ 27) ...don’t need to
rely on chemicals (including nicotine and excessive
fat, sugar, caffeine, and prescription drugs),
a compulsive activity,
and/or another person to maintain my daily tranquility and security.
_ _ 28)
...can quote the
(or
equivalent), and use it when appropriate.
_ _ 29) ...can
_ clearly identify the members of my/your
and _ feel they are generally harmonious
under the guidance of my/your
I/you can _ clearly tell when my/your
true
Self is guiding me/you.
_ _ 30) ...enjoy my/your
current life well enough: there is nothing major I/you wish to change now.
_ _ 31)
_ _ 32)
I _ took my time with this checklist, and
_ feel pleased, calm, and
satisfied enough as I finish it. _ There is nothing here that I’d feel
uncomfortable sharing with my partner or key others.
Awarenesses …
Continue
your
evaluation by assessing your primary-relationship
strengths and stressors.
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